12/17/2008

I Have Returned.

Christmas cums early this year, ladies and germs...for I, the Mightiest of Dyckersons, have returned to The Mighty Blog!!! Let us rejoice and give thanks!!!

I know I've been gone for a while. I missed Thanksgiving. I missed Halloween (the Haunted Poon post was a rerun from last year, in case you idiots didn't notice). Fuck, I even missed the election of America's first Afro-American president, Balack Osama!

The Internets have been buzzing about rumors concerning my absence. Some of you thought I had passed away. Others assumed I was incarcerated. A few of you even thought I had actually gotten a social life and perhaps acquired poon. Well you are all wrong! More wrong, in fact, than Ms. Babble smoking crack during her latest pregnancy, which resulted in her giving birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome.

The truth is, I was the victim of a cruel prank played upon me by a deranged journalist. About two months ago, I scheduled a press conference to announce the release of my new fragrance, Simply Dyck (makes a great stocking stuffer). Anyway, I was standing at the podium addressing a sea of eager reporters, when out of nowhere I was hit upside the head by a fresh turd. It seems old Dyckerson isn't too popular in the Middle East (something to do with a joke I made about a camel and lonely Shiite)...so apparently a reporter from that region somehow sneaked past security and assaulted me with the only weapon he had available - his own feces. I was lucky to escape with my life, but the attack left me so traumatized, that it has taken me weeks to gather up the courage to write about it.

Now before I officially return to blogging, there are a few housekeeping matters that need attention. First, I have removed The Chat Hole from the sidebar. My blog has been plagued with pop-ups for quite some time. I suspect it may have been coming from the third-party chat box code. So if any of you fuckers still get pop-ups, notify Dyckerson post haste.

Second, I removed several deadbeat bloggers from The Mighty Blog Network. This leaves several openings for new top-quality blogs that meet my lofty standards of excellence. So if you wish to nominate such a blog, please feel free to do so. But remember, Dyckerson reserves the right to reject or remove any blog from The Mighty Blog Network without notice.

And finally, it's the holidays!! That means I have replaced the seizure-inducing flashing white lights in the background with puke-inducing colored lights! Now go make a joyful noise...and spread the word: DYCKERSON IS BACK!


15 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...my new fragrance, Simply Dyck (makes a great stocking stuffer)."

Mr. Dyckerson,

Back and brilliant as ever, I see. ...Bestest Christmas present ever!

puerileuwaite said...

I haven't been this touched* (*inappropriately as usual here at The Mighty Blog) since Scrooge paid that underage boy to get the biggest goose he could find!

The Middle Lifer said...

Let me try again, you are back? You actually left? So where are the poon pictures that took your time away from us all?

Booya said...

I knew when I woke up this morning that there was something special about this day. The air seemed a bit smogier, my pits smelled a bit stankier and my crabs were a bit itchier! All is right in the world now.

Oh and I would love to be on the mighty blog network. Do I get one of those really cool sport coats with the logo on it?

catscratch said...

I hope Simply Dyck is scented with the Pre-Poo smell.

It's bout friggin time you surfaced. Blogville ain't the same without a little Dyckish Sarcasm.

sageweb said...

What an incredible informative post. I believe the Lord has done us right by making you better so you can blog.
Simply Dyck won't do me anygood..do you have any future scents for beaver hunters?

The Grand Wave said...

That is worse than a cruel prank. It is never acceptable to have dump thrown on you. (Unless of course you're into that.)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Flattery will get you everywhere! Care to taste my yule log?

P - Scrooge was a closet pedophile, no doubt.

Lifer - Get your own damn poon pics. I don't share.

Booya - Thank you for your interest in The Mighty Blog Network. My staff will review your blog and determine if it meets our stringent requirements.

PussyItch - Pre-poo? Nah, you're thinking of Obsession.

Sage - You can try dabbing some beaver urine behind each ear.

Wave - I think it depends on the dumper. I personally would eat a bowl full of Rachel McAdams' squeezins.

yellowdog granny said...

I know I left a comment here..but it disapeart'...feck!

I thought you had been busted whilst stealing underwear from little old ladies dresser drawers.

karla said...

You were gone?

karla said...

I see I haven't been removed from the affiliates list. Who do I have to insult to get kicked out of this shithole?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Granny - I don't steal underwear. I borrow it...for a long time...and don't give it back.

Ms. Babble - You pregnant babbler!!! I know you love me, baby. You don't have to hide it anymore. Now show me your teets!

Sassy Blondie said...

It's like a trainwreck...you can't look away...

~ Stacy ~ said...

Mr. Dyckerson,

I appreciate the offer, but I'm afraid yule poke my eye out.

By the by, it’s too damn cold out for forklift fornicating, my dear.

How ’bout we jump in the backseat of the Gremlin? I’ve put in leopard print seat covers and pasted a bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars to the roof lining. ...It's mooderific!

Christie said...

I'm so glad I still remain on your blogroll. My holiday season would have been ruined had that happened.