10/01/2008

Bail Me Out!


My friends, I don't need to tell you that America is in a financial crisis. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse...and no where is that more apparent than right here at Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide, home of The Mighty Blog. That's because in addition to producing the fastest-growing blog on the innerwebs, Dyckerson Enterprises also happens to own Semen Brothers, the 47th largest sperm bank on the entire eastern seaboard.

The trouble began about a month ago when I, Mighty Dyckerson, lost function of my right hand in an horrific automobile accident. Because of this injury, my ability to produce splooge was greatly compromised, preventing me from making my daily deposits at the sperm bank. When news of this got out, investors on Wad Street panicked and released their loads of Semen. Stock prices immediately squirted downward.

As if things weren't bad enough, last night the giant freezer that contained all of the Semen deposits suddenly failed, causing hundreds of gallons of spunk to thaw. Experts estimate over 700 billion little swimmers were lost in the disaster.

Now there are people out there who claim to have predicted this. They said it was only a matter of time before the cum bubble would burst, and perhaps they were right. But now is not the time to point fingers (or anything else). The liquified jizm is leaking from the freezer and pouring out all over the floors. Semen Brothers needs to be bailed out - literally! So bring your mops, buckets, sponges, squeegees, and Shop-Vacs down to our headquarters and help clean up this Godawful mess. And hurry the fuck up - thousands of infertile Myrtles and lezbo couples are counting on you!!!


16 comments:

Aza said...

The freezer failing somehow seems like divine intervention averting an army of little Dyckerson antichrists from taking over.

don henley said...

when it all comes down we will still come through...

somebody's gonna come undone...

Johnny come lately...they will never forget you till someboday new comes along...

Oh, and it's a hollow feelin' when
It comes down to dealin' friends..

yellowdog granny said...

I'd give you a hand, but I broke my arm falling off that barstool..remember...?
besides, how can I be sure those little bastards wouldn't vote republican if they made it..Goddess know's we don't need more of them suckers..

Ryan said...

I've always found gym socks to be best in handling this kind of mess.

I'll send you a pack.

sageweb said...

My first though was ewwww...then I realized the loss will hurt my sister lesbians....I am on my way over with a case of turkey basters. Prepackaging is the key.

Sling said...

Is your sperm bank FDIC insured?
I think the boys in Washington should step up,and lend a hand!..as it were.

Anne Johnson said...

This is very suspicious to me. Your freezer "just happened" to break down? Could it be that out of lusty greed you overloaded it with bad batches of jizz?

ecp said...

Worst blog ever.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Aza - Divine intervention my ass. I just forgot to pay the damn electric bill.

Mr. Henley - Johnny can't read, summer is over and he's gone to seed.

Granny - My swimmers wouldn't vote republican. Besides, they're too small to reach the lever.

Ryan - Are they tube socks??

Sage - Don't forget the stuffing and cranberry sauce.

Sling - No, but all my sperm is safely stored in Mae's fanny.

Anne's Johnson - Could be. Oh well - easy cum, easy go.

ECP - Dumbest comment ever.

UBERMOUTH said...

How much of the 700 million were yours?

don henley said...

Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?

Sassy Blondie said...

How sad! But not really surprising...perhaps it's a good thing you hurt your other arm. It needed the rest....

Effortlessly Average said...

Please. You don't need all that help. All you require is Paris Hilton and a box of straws.

Beth said...

there is NO WAY your penis is 13 inches long.....

catscratch said...

Just the thought of all the squgglies makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Sorry, but I can't help with the clean up. I can't look at that nasty shit.

I'll be happy to send a donation for Pine-Sol or something though.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Your freezer is full of semen too?