10/23/2008

The Legend of the Haunted Poon

In celebration of All Hallow's Eve, I shall present to you a tale so creepy, so eerie, so unspeakably terrifying, it's guaranteed to send chills up and down your sphinctor. And the spookiest part of all: It's loosely based on a true story. I strongly urge those of you with heart conditions to skip this post for your own protection.

Our story begins in the late 20th century in the heart of Texas, where lived a fair maiden named Sassilla Blondowski who was coming of age. Young Sassilla was horny and eager to be deflowered. She searched far and wide for a suitable mate with no success. Then fate stepped in and along came a strapping, well endowed lad named Dwight E. Mickerson. Sassilla was in love. A brief courtship ensued, and on a bright and sunny October day, Sassilla decided to take Dwight E. into her daddy's barn and show him her pumpkins. Dwight E. became instantly engorged, and soon the two of them were rolling around in the hayloft. Twenty seconds later, Mickerson was on the verge of climaxing when in walked Sassilla's father. In a fit of rage, the elder Blondowski grabbed a machette from a nearby hook and sliced off Mickerson's member at the base, leaving the remainder of his ample shaft lodged deep inside Sassilla's nether regions. Sassilla screamed in horror as the mortally wounded Mickerson bled to death before her very eyes.

Now here's where the really frightening part comes in. According to the legend, every month on the anniversary of Mickerson's death, Sassilla gets really cranky and bleeds uncontrollably from her poon for several days. Some say it's just PMS, and perhaps they're right. But maybe, just maybe, it's the ghost of Mickerson returning from the grave to haunt his one true love...forever staining her underpants with the memory of unfulfilled love.

Whatever the case may be, it's wise to avoid Ms. Blondowski and her poon this time of the month.






10/09/2008

The Straight Talk Express Stops Here

Snubbed once again.


The second presidential debate was held Tuesday night, and was I invited to participate? NOOOO!!! Mighty Dyckerson, unofficial turd-party candidate for the highest office in the land, demands equal time!!! And since the mainstream media won't give it to me, I shall utilize the power of The Mighty Blog to get my message to the people. I'm going to answer the very same questions posed by that fucking fossil Tom Brokewind right now, and we'll just see who the best candidate is!


Q: With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?

A: The geezers who can't support themselves need to either (A) get a job, or (B) commit suicide. I know that sounds harsh, my friends, but these are desperate times we live in. And as the saying goes, desparate times call for killing old people.

Q: Obviously the powers of the treasury secretary have been greatly expanded. The most powerful officer in the cabinet now, Hank Paulson, says he won't stay on. Who do you have in mind to appoint to that very important post?

A: I'm going to go with Lakeesha Watkins, the cashier at my nearby Taco Bell drive-thru. Let me tell you why. Last night I had a hankerin' for a Big Beefy Burrito Supreme, so I hopped in my beautiful golden parachute-colored Jeep Wrangler DyckMobile and made a run for the border. Lakeesha was on duty and promptly filled my order. I reached for my wallet to pay for my purchase, but it was dark out, so I couldn't see well. Turns out I accidentally handed her a one dollar bill instead of a five dollar bill. She counted the money, then looked at me and said, "Mister, you owe me four bucks." I already had my burrito, so I just sped off into the night. But friends, I think you'll agree that this is the kind of honesty, integrity, and counting skill that we need in Washington.

Q: Through this economic crisis, most of the people that I know have had a difficult time. And through this bailout package, I was wondering what it is that's going to actually help those people out.

A: First of all, we shouldn't be calling it a "bailout" package. It's more of an investment package...only we won't be getting the money back. I should also remind everyone that I canceled my appearance on Regis last week so I could rush to Washington to help clean up this mess. Unfortunately, I missed my flight and ended up having unprotected intercourse with a filthy whore in the back seat of a Ford Maverick. And that's just what this country needs: A Maverick.

Q: Are you saying that the American economy is going to get much worse before it gets better and they ought to be prepared for that?

A: Well, the Boy Scout motto is "Be Prepared," so I'm certainly not going to argue with that. I don't know what the Girl Scout motto is, but godammit, they sure make some tasty cookies. Am I right people??!

Q: Health policies, energy policies, and entitlement reform, what are going to be your priorities in what order? Which of those will be your highest priority your first year in office and which will follow in sequence?

A: Well I don't know what the hell entitlement reform is. I think you made it up. So I'm scratching that one off the list. That leaves energy as my top priority, andI believe solar power is the answer...but we as a nation must put an end to our dependency on faraway stars to provide it. Our sun is a mean, angry bitch, and she could turn on us at any time. We must start looking for solar energy right here at home...so as president, I will loosen restrictions on offshore drilling for sunlight.

Q: Since World War II, we have never been asked to sacrifice anything to help our country, except the blood of our heroic men and women. As president, what sacrifices will you ask every American to make to help restore the American dream and to get out of the economic morass that we're now in?

A: World War II? How old are you, 80?? That's ancient history! Look, my friends. We're Americans. We don't make sacrifices...ok, except for that thing about the soldiers' blood. The key is to put it off til the next generation. After all, what good are kids if we can't burden them with the consequences of our mistakes after we're dead and gone??

Q: Would you give Congress a date certain to reform Social Security and Medicare within two years after you take office?

A: No, because I am doing away with both programs. Instead, every senior citizen above the age of 65 shall be required to appear as a contestant on Deal or No Deal. Whatever they win, that's what they have to live off of for the rest of their pathetic, miserable lives.


And what happened next was so horrible, so unbelievably awful, you will not believe your eyes. And you'll find out what that was..........on the next installment of The Mighty Blog!!!

10/01/2008

Bail Me Out!


My friends, I don't need to tell you that America is in a financial crisis. Our economy is on the verge of total collapse...and no where is that more apparent than right here at Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide, home of The Mighty Blog. That's because in addition to producing the fastest-growing blog on the innerwebs, Dyckerson Enterprises also happens to own Semen Brothers, the 47th largest sperm bank on the entire eastern seaboard.

The trouble began about a month ago when I, Mighty Dyckerson, lost function of my right hand in an horrific automobile accident. Because of this injury, my ability to produce splooge was greatly compromised, preventing me from making my daily deposits at the sperm bank. When news of this got out, investors on Wad Street panicked and released their loads of Semen. Stock prices immediately squirted downward.

As if things weren't bad enough, last night the giant freezer that contained all of the Semen deposits suddenly failed, causing hundreds of gallons of spunk to thaw. Experts estimate over 700 billion little swimmers were lost in the disaster.

Now there are people out there who claim to have predicted this. They said it was only a matter of time before the cum bubble would burst, and perhaps they were right. But now is not the time to point fingers (or anything else). The liquified jizm is leaking from the freezer and pouring out all over the floors. Semen Brothers needs to be bailed out - literally! So bring your mops, buckets, sponges, squeegees, and Shop-Vacs down to our headquarters and help clean up this Godawful mess. And hurry the fuck up - thousands of infertile Myrtles and lezbo couples are counting on you!!!