9/15/2008

R.I.P., Dyckmobile (Part 5)

In the last installment of R.I.P., DyckMobile,our hero was released from the hospital with a debilitating injury sustained in an horrific car accident caused by a jackass driving a shitass Ford Mustang. Will Mighty Dyckerson ever drive again?? Find out in the exciting conclusion of R.I.P., DyckMobile.....


The cast I was given completely covered my right arm, from my wrist almost to my shoulder. It had a hinge-like device at the elbow, locked at a 90 degree angle to prevent movement. Made of high-quality translucent plastic and foam rubber, the cast was affixed to my limb by a series of velcro straps. Here is a reasonable facsimile:


Let me stop you before you go there: I've already heard all the dumbass robot jokes, and they are neither funny nor original. I have also been asked "What happened to the other guy?" about 5,000 times...and that's just TODAY. If it weren't for the sweet relief provided by my addictions to Percocet and Vicodin, I would have rammed my good elbow in quite a few crotches by now.

But enough about my disfigured appendage. I had bigger issues to deal with...namely my car insurance provider, Regressive. As if I weren't already in enough pain, now I had to deal with these blood sucking rat bastards. Fortunately, I had a copy of the police report identifying the other driver as being at fault. I also had collision on the DyckMobile. Cha-ching!! Finally my day had come: I was going to make the insurance company bend over for a change!

On the Tuesday after the accident (which was on a Saturday, as we learned in Part 1 of R.I.P., DyckMobile), they sent a lovely young lady named Erin to the storage facility where the cops had my beloved DyckMobile towed. Her task was to assess the damages and determine whether or not my vehicle was repairable. She crunched her numbers and called me the next day.

Erin: "Hello, Mr. Dyckerson. This is Erin with Regressive Insurance. I have some information regarding your claim."
Dyck: "Lay it on me, bitch."
Erin: "Unfortunately, your Jeep appears to be a total loss."
Dyck: "What??! No way! This can't be!"
Erin: "I'm very sorry, sir."
Dyck: "Not my precious baby! She's irreplaceable! Surely there's something you can do!!"
Erin: "I am prepared to offer you a check for $13,000."
Dyck: "You got a deal!!! I hated that old bucket of bolts anyway!"

Now that I had $13,000 in the bank, it was time to find myself some new transportation. In the meantime, Mother Dyckerson graciously offered to lend me her car: A gently used Toyota Avalon, fully equipped with cloth bench seats, AM/FM/cassette, and a black steering wheel cover adorned with pink and purple hearts. Needless to say, I had to find something else FAST.

I looked at numerous vehicles over the next week. At first, I thought I would "go green" and get myself something more fuel efficient. That's when this gas saver caught my eye:




On the other hand, one can't deny the usefulness and manliness of a pickup truck:



For days, I struggled to make up my mind. Too many choices, and not enough time to research them all. Finally, I found it. Parked in the front of the lot at Carmax, she was calling my name. When I first set my eyes on her, it was love at first sight. Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I present to you.....the all-new DyckMobile!!!!!!







Isn't she beautiful??! It was like a golden ray of sunshine had been sent straight down from Heaven! So rugged...so tough...yet tender and gentle at the same time. Even the saleswoman who showed it to me remarked about how good I looked in it. And why would she lie about a thing like that??!

Without missing a beat, I whipped out my checkbook, wrote a check to cover the Carmax no-haggle price, and hopped in my brand new DyckMobile!!!

Then I immediately backed into a light pole. Fucking sonofabitch is hard to drive with only one good hand. But mark my words: She and I are going to have some good times! That is, as soon as she gets out of the body shop.....

29 comments:

Drunkbunny said...

The color of that jeep reminds me of the years I spent working on the Pediatric ward, changing the diapers of children with unspeakable intestinal parasites. But I'm happy for you anyway.

ecp said...

"I would have rammed my good elbow in quite a few crotches by now."

good elbow=watering mouth?

The Middle Lifer said...

Gee Dyck, a post with no mention of sex, poon, or deification. I almost fell asleep....zzzzzzz

You could have atleast added how you bagged the saleslady in the back seat with that arm, that would have been a true Mighty Dyckerson achievement.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Inebriated Rabbit - Dammit, you've been talking to Sassy, haven't you??!

ECP - Go pass a stone.

Lifer - Please, this is a family blog.

Willo Keays said...

It's ... yellow?

ecp said...

I was thinking... if you have any insurance money left over after you bought that piss-colored gas guzzler, perhaps you could use the cash to buy yourself a personality?

Sassy Blondie said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Whew! Sorry about that, but I was still reading rabbit's comment that seemed eerily familiar.

What I want to know is when you're gonna get you some high dolla rims and go rollin' with the homies...

I think I'll need to send you some bitchin' man bling...

Peace out, ma brotha!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hushwillow - Yellow??! Hell no, I wouldn't own a yellow vehicle! This Jeep is GOLD!!!

ECP - Why don't you buy yourself a set of balls and quit whining about your nonexistent kidney stones??

Sassypants - You and that intoxicated hare shall both suffer dire consequences! Heed my warning!!!

ecp said...

Again with the balls...

Effortlessly Average said...

You know Dyck... you fasten a flexion machine to that brace and you could jerk off without even breaking a sweat. And who are you trying to bullshit? We all know you're an expert at driving with only one hand. Or is that only when you drive by a school bus?
heh.

Seriously though, you picked a fine replacement.

don henley said...

You're racin' out the door
Don't have very much to say
Your motor's runnin' hot
You can't wait to get away

Lookin' up the road ahead
You can't see very far
Remember where you come from
Remember who you are

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP - What about my balls?

F.Ag. - What the fuck is a flexion machine??

Mr. Henley -
Drivin' with your eyes closed,
Drivin' with your eyes closed,
Drivin' with your eyes closed,
You're gonna hit something
That's the way it goes

Effortlessly Average said...

Dyck, Dyck, Dyck... did you suffer a head injury too? It's one of those movement machines surgeons attach to limbs following operations that extend and retract the limb so the joint doesn't lock up.

catscratch said...

Shoulda bought the ElCo. You'd look hot in that.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hmmmm......Are you sure the accident was the other person's fault? Or did you just mean to give your new car some battle wounds for openers.

Sassy Blondie said...

Roliin' with tha homies....you got your mind on your money and your money on your mind??

Christie said...

Out of all the colors, you chose baby shit yellow? Good decision for you. I'm sure you won't regret that at all. BTW, saying it is gold does not make it sound more appealing. Gold is tacky. TACKY.

Wait, maybe it is a good fit for you. It would go perfectly with that bracelet your Mommy sent you.

Bob Dorannes said...

Dyck, your blog is like a fatal pile-up on the I-9 composed of a Frederick's of Hollywood supply truck, a hotdog vendor, and a clown car. ...a little arousing, very phallic-centric, sickly funny, but overall horrifying.

Keep up the good work.

BTW, now that your arm is jacked up, we were curious about something. Do you write with your toes while you jerk off, or vice-versa? (Personally, I'm thinking that you just bang your head against the keyboard with each upstroke as usual.)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

F.Ag. - I already have a "movement" machine. It's my RECTUM.

PussyItch - WTF is that??

Sassypants - DIRE CONSQUENCES!!!

Ms. McFatty - My, aren't we jealous?

Bobby - I'm glad you asked. I got me one of them Steven Hawking deals. I blow into a tube hooked up to my computer, and out comes my literary genius. Meanwhile, my hands and feet are busy pleasuring your wife.

Willo Keays said...

ElCo = El Camino ... duh!?

karla said...

Why not go for a vehicle with no back seat? It's not like you're going to get anyone in it anyway.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Forgive me. I've lived a sheltered life.

Ms. Babble - True. I do my best work in the trunk...provided it has plenty of junk.

Willo Keays said...

Wait ... when you say "junk" do you mean a girls booty. Or do you mean a guys .. well ... penis?

Perhaps ECP was right ....

Aza said...

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Himitsu wo shiri tai.

DyckMobile? Looks more like a "PissMobile" or a "Yellowy-Gold DiarrheaMobile" or maybe just "MoBile".

Anyway, glad you're not dead.

ecp said...

of course i'm right.

UBERMOUTH said...

I laughed my head off at your pain and misfortune, which will kinda make my well wishes seem insincere now.
I guess this explains the motto' I'd give my right arm for a jeep' .

Bet you wished you'd said that, huh?

yellowdog granny said...

i had a blue cj-7 that i loved with all of my little rednecked heart..i stil dream about her and wake up to a wet pillow..sigh*

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hushwillo - You know damn well what I meant! Get a job!

Aza - Apologize at once or you too will suffer dire consequences.

Uber - Better let me handle the jokes.

Granny - What a coincidence! I usually wake up with wet shorts.

Aza said...

That doesn't seem very nice but uhhh, okay...I'm sorry you're not dead?