9/02/2008

R.I.P., Dyckmobile (Part 2)


In the last installment of R.I.P., DyckMobile, our hero had just smashed his prized 2002 Jeep Wrangler Sport Edition into a piece-of-shit Mustang through no fault of his own. Despite severe, life-threatening injury, he somehow managed to escape the maze of twisted metal and crawl to safety. What happened to Mighty Dyckerson next? Find out now, in part deux of R.I.P., DyckMobile.....


By this point, a swarm of gawkers and yentas had converged at the scene of the accident. They stood in a semicircle and pointed at the wreckage, totally ignoring the victim (namely ME) standing ten feet away. My right arm, which at first had been numb and tingley, now started to hurt like a sumbitch. It didn't appear broken, but something was definitely wrong.

Moments later, the cops showed up and immediately began passing out Krispy Kremes to the gawkers and posing for photos in front of the mangled vehicles. "This one's going in my Christmas newsletter," I distinctly heard one of them say.

Eventually one of the pigs headed in my direction with a small pad. "Were you in one of the vehicles?" he asked.

"No, I always stand at intersections, drenched in shock-induced sweat and holding my disfigured right arm while gasping with pain," I replied.

He proceeded to interrogate me. He just wanted basic information - name, address, social security number, next of kin, was I an organ donor, which funeral home would I like to be taken to, etc. Then he went to look for the other driver. Unfortunately for him, he was still stuck inside his piece of shit Mustang. This was going to be an open and shut case - it was my word against...nobody's!!! He ended up with a ticket for violating section 3.2 of the Virginia traffic code: Failure to yield right-of-way to the DyckMobile. Punishable by a $500,000 fine and 10 years in maximum security prison.

Next, the rescue squad showed up and proceeded to back the whambulance over my left foot. The 16-year-old driver dismounted the cab, scratched his head, and mouthed the words "My bad" as I hopped up and down on my good foot.

A rescue worker climbed out of the back of the whambulance carrying a first aid kit. A short, squatty woman, I immediately pegged her as a lezbo even in my weakened state. She took my vitals: rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, flaccid penis. She then noticed my right arm.

"Geez, dude," she remarked. "Did you know you had a dislocated elbow?"

A dislocated elbow? How the fuck did that happen?

"Could be a fracture too," she added. "Does it hurt when I do this?"

The fucking bitch then proceeded to grab my right arm and jerk it away from my body. A streak of pain shot up my arm and pierced my very soul.

"OOOUUUUCCCCHHHH GODDAMMIT YOU MOTHERFUCKING CARPET MUNCHING DYKE," I screamed.

She called for a couple of reinforcements, who then strapped me to a board and threw me in the back of the whambulance. I was going to the hospital.

If you've never ridden in a whambulance, let me give you a little piece of advice. YOU'RE BETTER OFF DRIVING YOURSELF. That's because the idiots who make those things apparently fail to equip them with SHOCK ABSORBERS. If you ever want to experience the unGodliest pain known to man, you can either (1) read Ms. Babble's blog, or (2) ride in the back of a whambulance with a dislocated elbow on a highway filled with pot holes while a bull dyke shoves an I.V. needle in your arm.

"Are you allergic to anything?" she asked.

"Yeah, lesbians," I answered. "They make me break out in a rash on my wang."

Also on the ride, I was fitted with an oxygen tube, despite the fact that I was breathing normally at this point. Then came the obligatory neck brace, despite the fact that I had been moving my neck freely for the last 20 minutes. I would be staring at ceilings for the next eight hours.

Finally, we arrived at the E.R. What happened next was so horrible, so unbelievably awful, you will not believe your eyes. And you'll find out what that was..........on the next installment of The Mighty Blog!!!

15 comments:

ecp said...

Eh, sequels are always a letdown from the original. Better luck in Part 3.

karla said...

Crap. I've been waiting anxiously for Part II because I was hoping to find out that you'd died in the wreck, and your blog was being updated by your mom. But all you did was dislocate an elbow? Drat. You probably did that masturbating in the shower that morning, and wouldn't have noticed it if not for the paramedic pointing it out, due to all the stolen vicodin you were loaded on.

The Middle Lifer said...

Damn that Babble, she has no respect for the Dyck. Which probably explains the potty training problem with her latest poon dropping.
You go Dyck and would hurry the hell up with the rest of the story?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ECP - Perhaps I'm saving the best for last.

Ms. Babble - YOU PREGNANT BABBLER!! I'm sure you're no stranger to pain, considering all the illegitimate children that have passed through your well worn hoo-hah. And I didn't have any Vicodin before, but I sure as hell have plenty now! Maybe I'll sell some to little Joke. It'll ease the pain he must feel knowing you're his mother.

Lifer - All good things cum to those who wait.

don henley said...

He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They said he was ruthless, they said he was crude
They had one thing in common, they were good in bed
She'd say, 'Faster, faster. The lights are turnin' red."

Drunkbunny said...

Oh no! I sense a "stupid medical workers" story coming up. I hate stupid medical personnel. But what do I expect? Not everyone can live up to the gold standards of the stellar care I gave before I ran from the medical profession screaming, "No more... people... hate... humans now..."

D-HOR said...

You're milking this story like you do your wang damn it. I want to hear the rest NOW. UGH !!

So in real life - did you cry?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don - Fast company, fast company, you're goin' nowhere, you're goin' nowhere fast.

Intoxicated Hare - You sensed correctly! Stay tuned for part trois!

Hor - HOR!!!! A Dyckerson never cries!

Effortlessly Average said...

Man, I knew Andrew Ridgely and to a lesser degree George Michael had fallen on harder times, but damn...

catscratch said...

Even in your pitiful state, you still had that KA-BAM lesbo humor going on.

Good for you Dyck.

Sassy Blondie said...

Why do you think any woman who does not find you attractive is a lesbian? Is it your estimation that the ENTIRE FEMALE population is homosexual??

Just kidding, my precious! :) I know your pain must be real...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh Mighty Dyck: You go through so much for us.....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

F.Ag. - I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Pussy Itch - I may be laughing on the outside, but I'm a-cryin' on the inside.

Sassypants - Please! What straight woman in her right mind can resist the allure of Dyck??! It cannot be done!

Snake - Right you are, my slithery friend. Right you are.

Effortlessly Average said...

Clearly you suffered a blow to the head, Dyck. No, the big one.

Andrew Ridgely...
George Michael...
you were taking to the hospital in a Whambulance...
Now what band were Andy and George in back in the 80's?

Looks like someone in the Whambulance should be awaken before they go go.

~ Stacy ~ said...

So how's the left elbow?

And pass the Vicodin, will ya. My sciatic nerve is acting up.

...That, and it's a 5-kid weekend.