9/27/2008

Brace Yourselves...For Poon!

I've been making fun of the cripples my whole life. I remember once a long time ago , Mother Dyckerson took me to the mall to go shopping. I pointed to an old man in a wheelchair and said, "Look mommy, there's a cripple!"

"That's not polite, Dyckie," my mother said. "See the uniform he's wearing? That man is a veteran. He was a soldier."

"Oh. Sorry," I replied sheepishly.

"That's OK. He obviously wasn't a very good one!" she said. We both laughed hysterically and gave each other a high five.

Those were good times. But who would have thought that nearly two years later, I myself would be severely handicapped?? While it is true that I didn't technically fight in any wars, I do live in Virginia...and if you've been watching any of the nonstop election coverage, you would know that Virginia is a battleground state. And if you've been reading my award-winning Mighty Blog recently, you would know that I literally SHATTERED my right arm* in an HORRENDOUS AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT while en route to the children's hospital to read to the blind.**

So here I am, on week 4 of wearing this ridiculous brace contraption on my limb. It's bulky, it's cumbersome, and it itches like a sumbitch. But by far the worst thing is the smell - my God, the SMELL!!! I haven't thoroughly cleansed my right arm in over a month. That's nearly TWICE AS LONG as I normally go between arm cleansings. And if you think that's bad, you should take a good whiff of my armpits! Because of my DEBILITATING INJURY, my right arm stays close to my side at all times, allowing LITTLE TO NO VENTILATION to reach my right pit. And because I cannot fully raise and extend my right arm, I have no way to cleanse my left pit. The result: both of my pits smell like ASS!!!

However, being crippled is not without its advantages. Everywhere I go, people offer to help me: "Here, let me get the door for you," or "Here, let me carry that package for you," or "Here, let me stroke your genitals for you." Now many cripples would be offended by these offers of goodwill. They want to be seen as normal, independent adults capable of taking care of themselves. Well FUCK THAT. If people want to do stuff for me, I let 'em!! I haven't had to open a door or make my own coffee at work since the accident!

And then there's the poon!!! Holy shit, this arm brace is a POON MAGNET!! Gorgeous women naturally flock to me anyway...but now that I'm wearing this orthopedic appliance, I practically have to beat 'em off with a stick!! They run up to me in bars all the time and ask, "You poor baby, what happened to you??" Of course, I look them straight in the eye and tell them the truth: I was injured while rescuing a precious kitten from a burning house. Needless to say, I'm getting more tail than Scott Baio.

But this can't last forever, right? WRONG!!! I'm keeping this stinking brace FOREVER!! I'm thinking of getting a leg brace for added effect. They come with Vel-cro straps, so they're a snap to put on. Every Friday night I'll attach the brace, head down to the local watering hole, and work my magic! Maybe I'll even get me one of them uniforms like the vet in the wheelchair I told you about earlier.

Wait a minute...I betcha that old bastard was faking it too!



* OK, I dislocated my elbow and tore a couple of tendons.
** OK, I was cruising for hookers.


26 comments:

ecp said...

I waited 12 days for this?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Didn't I tell you I stopped trying two years ago??

Ms Smack said...

It's contagious.

ecp said...

Also, in the first few installments, I thought you were on the way to the hospital read to the deaf, not the blind. Can we get some quality control here please??

yellowdog granny said...

i laughed so hard i feel off my chair, broke my arm and now im off to the bars to pick up drunk cowboys.
goddess bless you

texlahoma said...

Wah wah wah!
I wonder if an aquarium air pump hose would help with the ventilation thing. You might have to get a really long hose if you leave home though.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Smack - I'm not worried. I've had all my shots.

ECP - Get your own blog, pal.

Granny - Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Tex - I already got a really long hose...

yellowdog granny said...

by the way..i sent some buddies to check you out..tex already made it..

ecp said...

i do!! ecproductions.blogspot.com i think.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Granny - It truly warms my heart to see a whole new generation reading The Mighty Blog. It gives me hope for this country!

ECP - New content please.

sageweb said...

Granny sent me your way. Sorry about your arm...no I'm not...you are getting laid and I am not.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

There's nothing like that under the cast stench. Mmmmmmm-mmmmmmm. You're right. The women can't get enough of it.

don henley said...

...warm smell of colitas rising up through the air...

Anne Johnson said...

Granny was right on target about you, Mighty. Can we click "Favorites" now?

Ryan said...

Imagine the action you would get if you had your arm amputated. You'd be beating them off you with a stump.

Sassy Blondie said...

Now Dyckie...perhaps you are exaggerating just a bit...

catscratch said...

Yep, an injury is certain to get a dude laid. Work it, baby.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sage - Wanna borrow my brace?

Dr. Loudliquid - Actually, I've stopped bathing entirely in order to take the focus away from my arm.

Mr. Henley - How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.

Anne - That sounds dirty...

Ryan - Or maybe I could get myself a pair of crappy jeans!

Sassypants - Moi??!

Pussyitch - Come on over and join the fun. We'll have ourselves a little menage-a-three!

Nit Wit said...

When they ask me what I'm allergic to I have to say Plaster. The last time I broke my ankle I had a reaction to it and developed Gangrene on the bottom of my foot. I'm kinda proud that when they took the cast off to be replaced the smell actually made an orderly and Doctor gag and upchuck.
Granny sent me and I laughed so hard I separated two ribs.
My lawyer wants me to sue and my medical insurance won’t cover mirth related injuries.

yellowdog granny said...

i feel warm all over..
my troops came to visit.

Willo Keays said...

WTF? Where are all these new people coming from and why are they taking Dyck's attention away from ME?

Dyck .. I would have thought by now you'd have convinced one of those young things to practice the fine art of "Sponge Bathing". After all, what's the use of being a cripple if you can't experiment with new techniques?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nit Wit - I've been plastered many times. Luckily I'm not allergic to it.

Granny - I haven't felt warm all over since I wet my pants last week.

Willo - It's a well known fact that in times of crisis, Americans turn to The Mighty Blog for comfort and guidance.

Sling said...

Ratz..You crippled guys get all the babes!

Ben said...

I think I just found my new favorite blog.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sling - No shit. Stephen Hawking gets more tang than all the NASA astronauts put together.

Ben - Really? What is it? Maybe I'll check it out sometime.

UBERMOUTH said...

I so have a thing for pits.