8/09/2008

Happy Trails!

So I just got finished reading this book called AWOL on the Appalachian Trail. It's about this middle aged dude who quit his crappy I.T. job, told his wife and kids to go fuck themselves, and took a hike. LITERALLY! He decided he wanted to fulfill his lifelong dream of hiking the "AT" from Georgia to Maine.

When most guys have a midlife crisis, they buy a Miata or bang their kid's babysitters. This genius wanted to play Daniel Poone. So for five months, he slept in a flimsy tent, drank from filthy streams, and shat on the ground...all in the pursuit of some sort of spiritual enlightenment. I guess he figured that wiping his ass with a pine cone would somehow put him closer to Jesus. He endured soaring heat, bone-chilling cold, torrential rain, and painful blisters...and that was just in the trail parking lot!!!

Seriously though, I am intrigued with this concept. Many nights I've sat at home alone in my underwear, gorging on Doritos and Mr. Pibb and saying to myself, "Dyckerson, you need to get away from it all. You need to break free from the chains of society and find the true meaning of life!" That's usually about the time I pass out on the sofa in a sugar induced coma.

As fascinating as this AWOL book is, it raises more questions than it answers. For example, what do you do when you have to take a dump? I mean, I know what you do...but how specifically do you do it? Do you just squat behind a tree and let loose? Do you have to carry a pooper scooper? What happens when you have the urge to...you know, relieve a little tension? Do you wait for an unsuspecting deer to wander by, or do you just whack it onto a leaf?

What about this guy's wife? She got stuck with the bills and their snot-nosed kids for five months! Do you honestly believe she remained faithful all that time? Cucumbers and vibrators can only do so much. I'm guessing the UPS man made a few "special deliveries," if you know what I'm saying.

Nevertheless, I've made up my mind. I, Mighty Dyckerson, am going to quit my crappy I.T. job and hike the Appalachian Trail. I'm gonna write a book about it too, and I've already come up with the title: A-HOLE on The Appalachian Trail. (HA! See what I did there? AWOL? A-HOLE??) My backpack is filled with all the bare essentials: a tent, a sleeping bag, some dried food, my iPod, a 42" plasma TV, a copy of Jugs magazine, my fake vomit collection, a bag of weed, a case of Mr. Pibb, and a pack of rubbers. I'm also taking my laptop so I can keep you idiots posted on my progress. I just hope I can get a good wi-fi connection in the privy. Adios, you fuckers! I'm outta here!

Wait, the Olympic women's volleyball team is on. I'll leave tomorrow...


21 comments:

catscratch said...

Me and my f*ck buddy hiked 20 miles of the AT here in TN. We fornicated in several places.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'd only go on a trip like that if a bunch of leggy volleyball players came with.

Sassy Blondie said...

You know you can't leave until you finish up your toilet saga! You know your ass has grown around the toilet by now!

puerileuwaite said...

When hitting a trail that weaves through Appalachia, you may want to downplay any references to your poop-shoot. As it is, it'll still be a challenge keeping the locals from frequenting that particular trail.

Any book that's worth its shit will have at least one chapter on that topic alone.

And my personal choice for trail buddies / sherpas starts and possibly ends with the Argentinian Women's Field Hockey Team.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pussyitch - If the tent's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin! Am I right??

Dr. Loudliquid - Would you settle for Helga, the female German wrestler?

Sassy - Sorry, I don't squat and tell.

P - I think they made a movie about that. It was called Deliverance.

Willo Keays said...

If you change the hike to a stay at a 5-star hotel in Europe with all the additional extravagant luxuries ... I'll go with you.

Otherwise ... you'll have to satisfy those primal instincts alone. What women in her right mind wants to spend months hiking in the wilderness - without feminine products and midol?

karla said...

An entire blog post based on the rather flimsy premise that you know how to read? Ha. This blog IS funny after all.

ecp said...

Excellent book report, Mr. Dyckerson. You've earned a bronze star!

D-HOR said...

Dude, don't forget the astroglide.

And my address ;)

don henley said...

Did you do it for love?
Did you do it for money?
Did you do it for spite?
Did you think you had to, honey?
Who is gonna make it?
We'll find out in the long run

Christie said...

Don't those scary back-wood inbreeds live there. You are so going to be guzzling mayo on the trip. Have fun.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - I can get us an hour at a Motel Six. We can stick a quarter in the vibrating bed and watch the skin channel.

Ms. Babble - Back off, tubby!

ECP - I suppose that's better than a jagged kidney stone.

HOR - Actually, your address is stamped on my Astroglide.

Don - Goin' up to the mountains in the middle of the day...waiting for the west wind to come and carry me away.

Ms. McFatty - I'm more of a mustard man myself.

don henley said...

I wish you peace when the cold winds blow
Warmed by the fire's glow
I wish you comfort in the, the lonely time
And arms to hold you when you ache inside

I wish you hope when things are going bad
Kind words when times are sad
I wish you shelter from the, the raging wind
Cooling waters at the fever's end

Maven said...

I agree with puerileuwaite... unless of course, you're goin' "Whole Hog" on the Ned Beatty express!

Squeal like a pig!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Heh.

You said Daniel Poone.

Made me smile, indeed you did.

P.S. Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Pud said...

Wow! Who knew Dyck was so spiritual?!? Are you going to come back from your hike as Reverend Dyckerson?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don - AHA!! Now I know you're an imposter! The real Don Henley despises that song!!

Maven/Stacy/Pud - Wow, three blasts from the past! I thought all three of you whores were dead!

don henley said...

Oh, that didn't get it,
It was high time I quit it
I just couldn't carry on that way
Oh, I did some damage, I know it's true.....

Little Lamb said...

I see how it is. I'm not on your blog roll either.

Kadonkadonk said...

Those hippy college girls hiking the AT are all super easy. Trust me.

Effortlessly Average said...

I know this guy, and I can guarantee you his wife wasn't faithful while he was supposedly hiking the AT.

Don't worry about where to relieve your pent up "anxiety." When you tire of getting Cheeto stains on your girlfriend, there's always a homeless guy or two out on the trail who will do most anything for a fiver.