Gas Crisis Solved!

I'm all about conserving our natural resources, folks. Really I am. But if I get stuck behind any more of these BICYCLE or SCOOTER RIDING DIPSHITS on my way to work, they're going in a fucking ditch. Look, it's not my fault this city doesn't have any damn bike paths or scooter lanes. So if you insist on riding your stupid toys to work every day, GET ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK WHERE YOU BELONG. You people don't impress me. The first hint of bad weather, and you'll be back in your LAND CRUSHERS and URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLES gabbing away on your cell phones and pretending to listen to NPR.

America needs a long lasting solution to the gas crisis, and America needs it NOW. I don't see Balack Osama or John IWalkWithaMcCane doing anything about it, so I have taken matters into my own hands. Here are just a few of my gas saving initiatives:

1. Eliminate the United States Postal Service. Get those gas guzzling delivery trucks and jeeps OFF THE ROADS and INTO THE SCRAP HEAP. Pay your fucking bills online, grandpa. You wanna order a blow-up doll or a dildo? Find out what Brown can do for you. Hell, the only mail I get anymore are BOGUS CREDIT CARD OFFERS, WORTHLESS COUPONS FOR CARPET CLEANING SERVICE, and DEATH THREATS FROM ANGRY READERS. And don't worry about lost jobs. They can find plenty of work for the next 20 years DIGGING UP UNSIGHTLY MAILBOXES and TEARING DOWN POST OFFICES.

2. Get rid of school buses. Here's another nuisance that slows my commute every day. Every fucking morning, I get stuck behind the same fucking cheese wagon that has to stop EVERY 50 FEET to pick up another SNOT NOSED BRAT. The school is only a couple of miles away - would it kill these little bastards to WALK their fat asses to school??! Yeah, I know it's a busy street. It's called Survival of the Fittest. Look into it.

3. Fuck NASCAR. It's not a sport anyway. How much fuel do these fucking rednecks waste DRIVING IN A CIRCLE for hours on end? Let them run or ride bicycles. I know, there's no fun in that. The fans want to see lots of es-plosions and such. No problem. Give each spectator a HAND GRENADE when they enter the gate. They can toss it on the track whenever they desire. Now THAT'S a sport I'd pay to see!

4. Outlaw churches. Yeah, you heard me. You don't need to get up early on Sunday mornings and drive to a special building to worship. Thanks to TV and the Internets, now it's just as easy to be a hypocrite in the COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME. Just tune in to that Benny Hinn guy for a half hour every week. I love it when he smacks people on the forehead until they fall to the ground. If that isn't religion, I don't know what is.

5. Eliminate red lights. How much time do you waste every week idling at intersections? Hell, half the time there isn't even any traffic coming in the other direction! Now I'm not saying we get rid of traffic lights altogether. I'm just saying make them PERMANENTLY GREEN in all directions. Yes, I suspect traffic fatalities will skyrocket in the beginning, but this will only be temporary. Eventually enough people will be killed that the roads will be pretty empty anyway.

This is just the beginning. I would also like to BOMB THE CHINESE BACK TO THE STONE AGE, seeing as their increased demand for gas is contributing to the higher prices around the globe. But I suppose that will have to wait til after the Summer Olympics...otherwise it could be a real P.R. blunder for the United States.

And the best part of all, none of these actions inconvenience me in any way. And in the end, that's all that really matters.


The Middle Lifer said...

You forgot one, the asshole that drives that damn ice cream truck in your hood making all the little bastards scream for it right before dinner time. I want to stuff a cone up his ass and in that damn loudspeaker blaring that stupid Ice Cream music!

don henley said...

Well, my time went to quickly
I went lickety-splitly out to my old fifty-five
As I pulled away slowly, feelin' so holy,
God knows I was feelin' alive

JMEPED said...

If there were any question about how I love thee before now, well I still don't, but you are in the running for the daddy of my new beer baby.

catscratch said...

I agree with the postal vehicles being dumped. Does anybody use snail mail for anything real these days?

I don't even send my grandparents cards by snailmail anymore since the internetz offers an unending supply of online greeting cards for every day of the friggin year.

Sassy Blondie said...

What's the Dyckmobile getting in miles per gallon these days, Dyckie? Like 5 mi/gal?

I can get behind making the lazy ass overweight new generations walk their asses to school (the expense for transportation is crippling our budget!) because now they've outlawed soda machines because "they are making kids fat". Yeah, like when was the last time you saw the Dr. Pepper machine jump out and force feed some little fat fuck? They're fat because they are never forced to go outside and get off the Xbox, and mommy and daddy let them eat shit all day rather than tell them NO to anything.

Red lights I need though.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - Hey, I need that ice cream truck! The driver is my crack dealer!

Don - Having lunch at the Petroleum Club, smokin' fine cigars and swappin' lies...

Jmeped - Awesome! I got a load of beer baby batter just waiting for you!

Cat - Greeting cards? Do they still make those things??

Sassy - Whoa, easy there, mama! Are you off your meds again??

don henley said...

Weaving down the American highway through the litter and wreckage and the cultural junk.....

Beth said...

ahhhh dyck....I love you man. You tell it like it is!

puerileuwaite said...

I agree on the initiatives, but can't we do something to eliminate these morons BEFORE the bad weather hits? I need them off of my ski slopes as well.

Ditto for the Chinese. While watching "Soylent Green" the other day, I came up with the concept of "Soylent Yellow". It would be a sustainable biofuel consisting of their comrades. Just avoid anything crispy and yellow if you do order take-out.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don - Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind. Life in the fast lane, uh-huh. (Are you with me so far?)

Beth - Yep, I'm a regular Dr. Phyl.


Jake Titus said...

Don't forget Air force One. It's obvious that the president doesn't need to travel to fuck shit up. BTW, how's the campaign going?

D-HOR said...

AHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAH just wanted to let you know that I'm one of those retards that rides their bike all over. My boss and I even ride them to work and home (for exercise, I kind of hate it but it's you know, like healthy or something)

AANDDD I'd like to know dear DICKIE - What the fuck will the millions of drunk hillbilly/redneck/3 black people and one mexican DO every sunday if they have no NASCAR to watch? I mean really? Do you want them out on the streets and not at home or or in bars? What's the solution here smarty pants!?!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You are nothing if not an innovator. The post office thing is actually not too bad of an idea.

Just don't take away the A-Team van or the Mystery Van.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

J. Tit. - Right on! How about Hot Air Balloon One instead??

HOR - Maybe the hillbilly/rednecks can use the extra time to take care of...I don't know...their personal hygiene??

Dr. Loudliquid - It was the Mystery MACHINE, not the Mystery VAN. Idiot.

Christie said...

I cannot stand bike riders. Who do they think they are? Do they truly believe they can go as fast as my car? Um, no. I heart my big ol' SUV, I can run them over and barely feel it.

Ryan said...

This is a visionary plan. You make Al Gore look like an owner of a fat rendering plant.

Although I don't mind bike riders if they are headed towards my home with a bag of greasy food.

Effortlessly Average said...

You want to keep people off the roads, you don't need all these initiatives, Dyck! All you need to do is make the "all porn, all the time" channel free! That alone would get most people to never leave home.

Throw in a little satelite channel of George Michael banging Senator Larry Craig and there'd be virtually no one driving.