7/06/2008

Crappy Birthday, Dyckerson! (Part 2)

My dad usually gives me money for my birthday, which is fabulous. But he can't just stop at cash. He somehow feels the need to purchase at least one item, regardless of how crappy that item may be. I think he wants to appear as if put some time and effort into the process, when in reality, all I want is the cash. Previous birthday gifts include a stuffed dog, a yellow button-down "old man" sweater, and an illuminated turtle. With a track record like that, one might wonder how Father Dyckerson could ever manage to top himself. Well once you see this year's offering, your doubts will be put to rest.

So without further ado, here it is:



Right now you're probably asking yourself, "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT??!" Don't worry, I had the exact same response. It took me a while to figure it out, but upon examining the small print on the bottom of the box, I was able to ascertain that this was indeed a BILLY WITH WHEELBARROW GARDEN STATUE.

"Gee, dad. You shouldn't have," I said.

"I know, I know," he replied. "But nothing is too good for my son!"

"What exactly do I do with it?" I inquired.

"You put it on your patio or your front porch and fill it with flowers so everybody can see it," he explained.

Where everybody can see it??! Great. I just hope nobody steals it from 4000 Pilots Lane in Richmond, VA, where it will be on be on display while I am at work Monday through Friday from 8am to 5pm.

I kid, I kid. I could never get rid of such a charming and delightful gift...especially since my dad will be expecting to see it whenever he comes over. Fortunately for me, that isn't too often. Of course, he didn't give me any dirt or flowers to go with in Billy's wheelbarrow, so now I am forced to go out and purchase these items with my hard-earned birthday money.

Now I don't know about you, but little Billy seems to be missing something. The t-shirt and overalls just aren't going to impress the ladies. If only he had the right accessory to complement his ensemble...




There, now we're talking! The HOA will just LOVE seeing this shit in my front yard! My brotha be stylin', yo! This mack daddy is one badass muthafucka! Billy is a playa - Hell, I've already caught him checking out the bird bath in the neighbor's yard. He gotta get him some of that!!


Why couldn't I have been born on February 29th? Then I'd only have to endure this shit once every four years.

22 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

Well, Dyckie, it looks as if you don't have to have "the talk" with your folks. They seem to already know... ;)


LOLOLOL

XOXOXO

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassypants!!! You will suffer dire consequences for that! Heed my warning!!!

drunkbunny said...

You're looking at this all wrong. Put ice in the wheelbarrow, put beer on to chill, sit on your porch and then flick lit cigarettes at the neighborhood passers-by.

puerileuwaite said...

The key is to personalize it so there is little doubt who lives there. So in your case, fill the wheelbarrow with severed limbs and gay porno mags. Then point the little fellow toward a freshly dug hole in the soil.

Jake Titus said...

Hey Yo? I think Billy likes the bros, not the ho's!

don henley said...

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Not the birthday bling!!! Say it ain't so!

ADW said...

Now all you need is a wagon wheel, a rubber boot hanging off of a fishing pole, a lawn jockey and a gazing globe to complete your front lawn of hillbilly treasures.

Oh and don't forget to dress your ceramic goose in a summer bikini!!!

P.S. When I die, I am going to haunt you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Intoxicated Hare - I think I'll just toss the wheelbarrow at the passers-by.

P - Can I just take a dump in it? It would be much easier.

J. Tit. - What gave it away? His lack of a bulge?

Don - My twisted fate has found me out and it's finally turned the tables. Stole my dreams and paid me with regret.

Snake - Oh, it be so, home slice.

ADW - I'll give you a "goose," my dear!

JMEPED said...

WTF!? Really it is better than my step mother gift of used underwear. She thought they were antique. I'll send them over and you can put them on billy.

Happy birthday! I'll send you the foil wrapped banana I usually reserve for the pug.

Corn Dog said...

YIKES, Dyck! I don't know what to say other than, "I'm glad my parents are dead." Can you like cut Billy's hand off and mail it back to your Dad with a note, "Dear Daddy, today his hand, tomorrow his head, unless you send cash and lots of it."

The Middle Lifer said...

Look! Its Mini-MeDyck! You went so far as to have him dressed him up just like the Funk Master Mighty D.

Priceless.

karla said...

Your blog is similar to mine in that most of what you write here is total BS and shouldn't be taken as true, partially true, or having any relationship whatsoever to anything true. (Where we differ is in the fact that my blog is actually funny.) So I recognize a bullshit story when I see one. No straight man on this planet would buy another human--much less a male human--much less his own son--something this heinous and useless and fucking weird. Yes, I come here knowing full well that any given post will be a pile of lies, but up til now I was giving you credit by assuming you'd take the time to fabricate lies that were believable on some level. You're losing your touch. Time to stop blogging.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - I don't want your banana. I want your plump, delicious melons!

Maize Wiener - Gee, I don't know. It might be kinda hard to saw through that cheap plastic, but I'll give it a try...

Lifer - My dentist is going to hook him up with some gold fillings.

Ms. Babble - You can't fool me. Underneath all that hate and anger beats the heart of a woman in love. Let's stop playing games. Come to daddy!!

Willo Keays said...

At least you got gifts this year. I had to buy my own presents. At least I treated myself well.

ecp said...

I always suspected there was something ghoulish about you, Dyck.. now that you've reveal your address to the masses -- none other but the famed Forest Lawn Cemetery, my suspicions are confirmed. You are indeed a gay zombie. I'll tell Matt.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - How was that inflatable Bono doll you bought yourself?

ECP - I was wondering if anyone was going to catch that. I assume you're unemployed again.

ecp said...

No, but yesterday the Asst. ND who hired me (and controls the schedule) was fired, so we'll see.

Here's to hoping!!

UBERMOUTH said...

Ungrateful bastard! Billy is gorgeous and you are just jealous, with your big red nose and fucked up hair!
I love Billy's bling.
Great post.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Do your parents do lots of crystal meth?

catscratch diva said...

Awww, don't be such an ingrate.

That's a sweet gift.

Christie said...

Now that just makes it perfect. Maybe someone will still the whole thing, and wouldn't that just be a crying shame.