7/19/2008

Another Tasteless Post

Let me ask you dames a question. What the fuck is the deal with this wine tasting nonsense? Seems like every damn weekend, there's a fucking wine tasting event somewhere around here. I wouldn't even know about the wine tasting if I hadn't gone out with a chick that was into it. "Oooh, look," she would say. "There's a wine tasting this weekend! Let's go to the wine tasting and taste some wine!!" I chopped her into pieces with an ax and buried her in a shallow grave in my back yard. Actually, that's not true. I buried her in Ms. Babble's back yard. Mine is already full.

I had almost forgotten about the wine tasting until the other day at work. We were standing around the water heater talking about our weekend plans, and this bitch whom I hate decided to chime in: "Is anybody going to the wine tasting?? There's a wine tasting this Saturday! I'm going to taste some wine!!" She is now buried in Sassy Blondie's backyard. (I really need to work on my anger.)

I'm not sure why the wine tasting makes me so hostile. I've never been to one, but somehow I picture it as being a bunch of phony-ass, middle-aged skanks trying to act all sophisticated by sipping imported chardonnay and pretending they know something about it: "Ooh, try this one, Gladys! You can really taste the grapes!" Filthy whore. You wouldn't know a Merlot from a glass of Welch's. These are the same bitches who 20 years ago in college guzzled cheap beer in smoky bars, puked it up in back alleys, and pissed their pants on the way home. Now they're wrinkled old closet wino divorcees whose twats are infested with crabs. Fuck, I bet any one of them could outfart me any day of the week.

This has Oprah's handwriting all over it. Damn that fugly bitch and her brainwashed minions! Stupid housewife soccer mom yentas got nothing better to do than sit in front of the tube all day and celebrate their ovaries. Their own lives are meaningless, so they try to elevate themselves by posing as high-class broads. Well GUESS WHAT, BITCH. Reading Maya Angelou and guzzling cheap wine out of a Dixie cup does NOT make you classy! Damn you all, I say! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! (Sorry, it's that anger thing again.)

Tell you what, ladies. I got something for you to taste right here. Hell, you can even gargle with it. It's creamy, filled with protein, and has an excellent bouquet. "Oooh, try this one, Marge! It's so tangy and smoooooth!"


Just remember, it doesn't count unless you swallow.



22 comments:

Willo Keays said...

Dammmmmmmmnnnnnnnnn Dyckums! Did you get stood up again? All this hostility towards women. Now I understand why you asked Matty to join you in Upstate NY for the weekend.

Sassy Blondie said...

Did you take your pills? Calm down already! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
And Dyckie, just what are doing? You'll never get another date with that kind of attitude!

Effortlessly Average said...

What, did you stock up on key lime Dannon yogurt again? That stuff doesn't have all that much protein in it, you know.

don henley said...

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Can't a guy experiment every once in a while??

Sassypants - Who are Mary and Joseph? Are they wine tasters too??

F.Ag. - I was talking about my SPLOOGE! Geez, do I have to spell out everything for you people?!!

Don -
Higher, She can keep you loaded,
feeding you whiskey and wine
Fire, The devil's on the phone, he laughs and says you're doing the just fine

don henley said...

I'm out on the border
I thought this was a private line
Don't you tell me 'bout your law and order
I'm try'n' to change this water to wine

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wastin' our time on cheap talk and wine left us so little to give...

Sassy Blondie said...

You guys should get a room...

don henley said...

Raven hair and ruby lips
sparks fly from her finger tips

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Let me tell you, brother, she's been sleepin' in the devil's bed.

The Middle Lifer said...

You know Dyck, wine and women usually get laid, have you forgotten this? Wine is what women drink when they want to get pounded dude. Not drunk pounded, the other pounded...
And when you talk about that in front of you, its their way of saying, "C'mon, you can bag me later!"

JMEPED said...

Wow. Someone's date didn't end the way they wanted. You need to find a stupid one and tell them they're suppose to swallow the wine not spit it out, then at the end of the date tell them that the wine tasting was just practice for later. I hate wine. Champagne on the other hand... Give me a frozen bottle of vodka and I'd help you bury Oprah myself!

Beth said...

I think you and Don Henley need to get together....you're totally flirting

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyckiepo, you should broaden your horizons and rub elbows with the cultured. I mean, if they are up to rubbing elbows, who KNOWS what else they'll be willing to rub?

karla said...

You dumb ass. Pretending you're a wine enthusiast is probably your ONLY shot at getting laid at least once before you die. Even the drunkest chicks in bars undoubtedly reject you immediately because you reek of desperation, but at a wine tasting, wine-drunk chicks will think you're merely "eclectic," rather than "living in a van." Go buy "Wine for Dummies," or something similar, and then have someone smart read it to you.

Christie said...

You are one fucked up individual. But I agree with the whole wine tasting thing. Who cares? Only 2 things matter when drinking: 1. Can I get drunk from it? and 2. How fast can I get drunk from it?

Krissyface said...

wait, you make wine? And it's smooth and filled with protein?
That sounds yummy!

catscratch said...

Don't spit it. Drink until you're drunk, go pass out and wait for her to finish up.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - Trust me, these chicks are not bagworthy.

Jmeped - The vodka's on its way. Now grab a shovel!

Beth - I can't help it. We are all just prisoners here of our own device.

Sassypants - I got something for YOU to rub right here!

Ms. Babble - Your anger and cruelty excites me.

Christie - My, aren't you the slut? Where were you when I was in college??

K-Face - How many times do I have to tell you people??! I'm talking about my SPLOOGE!!!

Cat - Thanks for the tip, tubby!

Em said...

Haha... funny. I love wine tastings, but you're right a lot of the people who attend these things are idiots. I like to drink wine... I never pretend I can taste "a hint of almond" or whatever else (What's up with that anyway? Isn't wine made with grapes, where does the nuttiness come from?) I either like the wine or I don't and my opinion has nothing to do with how much the bottle sells for.

ps. what the hell are you trying to do to my eyes with these dots?

elizadoohicky said...

Tsk tsk, such hostility! I think I would be in love if I wasn't so sure you are my Father's secret alter ego blogger. Sheesh.

Maven said...

The only thing I could possibly share with you right this moment would be the thoughts ambling through my noggin' at the sight of that picture at the bottom:

"Bukkake: It does a body good."