6/15/2008

Let's Beat the Press

Ask many anything you want to know about NBC's Tim Russert. Did you know he was from Buffalo? Did you know he was Irish Catholic? Did you know his dad drove a trash truck? Did you know his wife was a writer for Vanity Fair? Did you know he had a son named Luke who goes to Boston University? Did you know he used to be a lawyer before NBC hired him to moderate Press the Meat? Did you know he was in charge of the Washington Bureau and Vice President of NBC News? Did you know he was a tough but fair interviewer? Did you know he always did his homework?

If you've tuned in to a news broadcast anytime since Friday afternoon at 3:30pm, surely you would have known all of this as well. That's when the holy saint of teevee journalism literally dropped dead of myocardiothrombosinary arterioinfarctinosis. Ever since then, the news coverage has been nonstop. Jesus H. Christ, you'd think the Pope died!

It was Tom Brokaw who broke the news on Friday, weeping like a little school girl in an obvious attempt to gain ratings. What the fuck was he doing there anyway? Didn't that idiot retire like four years ago? Did he sneak out of the old anchors' home and wander into the studio?? They really need to put locks on those doors. But I digest.

Soon CNN and Fox News jumped on the bandwagon and began their own respective Tim Russert love fests, showing the same photos and running the same clips over and over and over and over again. Never has it been more apparent how in love these twits are with themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Tim was a nice guy, but COME ON!!! Nice people croak EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!

Today I turned on MSNBC thinking the Russert weep-a-thon would be over. I was hoping to catch one of them "Lockup" shows. You know, the ones about the maximum security prisons where the inmates throw their own feces at one another til the guards have to extract them with a cattle prod? God damn, I do love those shows! But NOOOO, not today! I tuned in to find some half-wit numb nut who probably NEVER EVEN MET Tim Russert talking about what a wonderful guy he was.

Why don't we just make Monday a national holiday? Will that make these fucking news puppets happy? Or do we need to erect a statue? Perhaps a Tim Russert stamp or a commemorative coin? Is a non-President eligible for Mount Rushmore? If not, maybe we need to make an exception.

Just once I'd like to hear one of these air heads say something negative about the guy. Something like, Russert once bitch slapped an intern for fucking up his lunch order...or, Russert once drowned a sack of kittens for no apparent reason...or, Russert once stripped naked, pranced around the studio and waved his junk in front of Condoleeza Rice. Now that's what I call must-see TV!

But of course, that will never happen. That's because behind all the fake sympathy and tears, those ass clowns are secretly salivating at the chance to move up the corporate ladder. They're putting on their game faces in hopes that the exec's on the top floor take notice and anoint them as Russert's successor. Well good luck with that. I worked in TV for a long fucking time, and if I know management, they'll take Tim's million dollar salary, divide it up amongst themselves, and fill the Press the Meat moderator chair with an intern working for $8.50 an hour.


23 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyckie!! I LOVED THAT MAN! How dare you speak ill of Tim Russert?? You're going straight to hell in a handbasket!

Really though, I was a big fan. :(

sputnick said...

Now THIS is what I call JOURNALISM! Way to go Mighty Dyckerson. I am cancelling my subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, and Latex Fetish Monthly. Henceforth I will get my news, views, and exposés only from The Mighty Blog.

catscratch diva said...

Aren't we just the picture of sympathy??

On another note... it won't go on as long as the Anna Nicole bullshit did.

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puerileuwaite said...

Good point. Why couldn't Tim Russert have been more like Mighty Dyckerson for Chrissakes? Likeable is so friggin' boring. Plus when you die, it will probably BE in prison, so we won't have to miss a single MSNBC Lockup show. And if they DO show repeated clips of a garbage truck, at least we'll know it's also serving as a hearse.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy - I didn't say anything bad about him! Just about the shit head wannabes who've been yammering endlessly about him for three days!

Shitneck - You're just now figuring this out??

Diva - Now there was a real tragedy!

P - Alas, there can only be one Mighty Dyckerson. And he is I.

The Middle Lifer said...

Dyck, you knew when you accepted that invite on Meet the Press that you would get hammered about your "2 poon's in every Bed!" statement.
The guy was so picky about that for some reason.

Divas Fat Ass said...

Damn Dude. Could you have been any more blatent about my fat ass????

don henley said...

Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get a little strange

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - Yeah, but I didn't expect him to quote me directly. I mean, who does that??!

Tubby - It's called tough love, babe. That's how I roll.

Don - You were just too busy being fabulous. Too busy to think about us. I don't know what you were dreaming of. Somehow you forgot about love.

don henley said...

I'd like to find your inner child and kick it's little ass.

JMEPED said...

I was a fan...

I mean he's no clown. He surely didn't hold a candle to quick whit and cynical outlook on the world you have.

Tubby said...

Yah, well, I can dig up on tough love. At least you have something larger than life to aim at when I tell ya to kiss my white ass, huh??

~ Stacy ~ said...

Never watched the show...

And you know, mean people die every day too.

It's true... I read it somewhere.

Effortlessly Average said...

Could you do me a favor and corwbar a few more pictures of Tim in there for me? heh

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don - You'd walk on your lips through busted glass if you could get next to that.

Jmeped - If it's Tuesday, it's The Mighty Blog!

Tubby - Don't be bitter. More cushion for pushin', I always say.

Stacy - WTF, are you spamming my blog now??

F.Ag. - Nah. I wouldn't want to overdo it.

Ari said...

you are so funny and so true. The media sure does now how to provide overcoverage on everything. Yes it was a sad day, but give me a break. Tim Russert was no savior.

JMEPED said...

Um... How long are you going to beat this dead horse, I mean poor man?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I agree. A guy can only die once. Fucktards.

Beth said...

oh dyck....you are just SOOOOOO bad. Have a little Human kindness, will ya? the guy is DEAD!!!

Anonymous said...

Are you going to do a thing on George Carlin?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ari - You are so wise and so...something.

Jmeped - Until you show me your ta-tas.

Snake - Well put.

Beth - My point exactly! Why say nice things about him now? He can't even hear this shit!

Anon - No. No I'm not.

~ Stacy ~ said...

It wasn't spam, Mr. Dyckerson, it was entertainment.

Yeesh!