6/08/2008

Heeerrreee's Foreclosure!!!


I think we all know the economy is in the shitter, but what does it say about the state of the world when our top celebrities are going homeless?? I'm talking, of course, about that beloved old bag of gas known as Ed McMahon. Yep, apparently the old bastard is so far behind on his mortgage payments that his Beverly Hills mansion is on the brink of foreclosure.

So how did the folks at Countrywide break the news to him, you ask? Well, it seems they sent old Clydesdale breath a brown envelope with his picture on the front. The envelope contained a letter stating that he MAY HAVE ALREADY LOST his five million dollar house! Sounds like that second banana's gonna have to SPLIT! Ain't that a SIDE KICK in the pants?? HEY-OOH!!!! I guess Ed will be living out his remaining days camped out on FUNK & WAGNALL'S PORCH!! Hey Ed, do you think I give a damn?? If you answered no, then YOU ARE CORRECT SIR! HO HO HO HO!!!

But seriously folks, how does a thing like this happen? Didn't the drunk old fool save any of the money he earned by SITTING ON A COUCH for 25 years??

Ed's defense: He hasn't been able to work the last two years because he broke his neck. Excuse me??! YOU'RE 85 FUCKING YEARS OLD!! Did you not think that you would someday be too old and feeble to work?? Or did you just plan on DROPPING DEAD on the set of Star Search??*

Perhaps I'm being a bit too harsh. Perhaps being a top celebrity is harder than it looks. Perhaps Ed's misfortune is really a thinly veiled cry for help.

That's why I am pleased to announce Mighty Dyckerson's Save the Stars Foundation. So long, Salvation Army! Fuck off, Unicef!! Save the Stars is the hot new charity that's sweeping the nation!!

Here's how it works: You send me a big fat check, and I'll send you a picture of a washed up celebrity for you to sponsor. For just pennies a day, your star will be fed, clothed, and sheltered in a high quality drug rehab facility. You will receive monthly progress reports as well as personalized letters from your star's agent. In time, your star will gradually re-enter show biz by doing commercials for boner pills and making guest appearances on third-rate reality shows. You will be overwhelmed with pride. And I will be overwhelmed by your big fat check. So please make a generous donation...and hurry the fuck up. My own mortgage payment is due next week.



* Yes, I know Star Search was canceled like 20 years ago. It's called comedic license, jackass.

20 comments:

Jake Titus said...

Maybe he should just take up residence in the folds of his turkey neck!

don henley said...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis

Effortlessly Average said...

Well I hope you plan to bank some of these big fat checks for your own retirement. After all, I'm sure you know anal probe injuries can be debilitating.

Anonymous said...

You best be saving up for some poor housewife to come bleach your shorts once in a while!!! Did you miss me clown?!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

J-Tit - He's too busy pulling his drumstick, if you know what I'm saying.

Don - You've lost me.

F.Ag. - Of course. I've invested heavily in poon futures.

Anon - JMEPED!!! Is that you, my delightful lesbian florist??!

Effortlessly Average said...

Hey, who you calling a fag, you fudgepacker. heh

don henley said...

Who owns this place?
Who owns this place?
I'm talkin' to you, now look in my face
And tell me, who owns this place?

Anonymous said...

You bet your banana loving ass it is! It's nice to see not much has changed around here whilst on my vacay!

Sassy Blondie said...

Poor Ed! I want to help. I do! But how can I be sure this isn't just another charity scam? How will I know my dollars go to the ones who need them the most? What about all the Bel-Air celebs losing their houses? Dyckie, I need answers!

catscratch diva said...

It will be a cold day in hell before I send a donation for any washed up has been twinkled out old star...

I want new boobs and anything above and beyond the cost of the surgery you can have.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

F.Ag. - Who, me?? I was simply abbreviating your name. The fact that I chose the letters F-A-G is merely coincidental, I assure you.

Don - Christ, are you on the zoom again or what?

Jmeped - I knew you'd come back! So do you have a fucking blog or what??

Sassypants - Charity scam??! I am insulted! How dare you suggest such a thing!! Now when you write that check, make sure you make it payable in my name...

Diva - If I do the boob job myself, can I have the cash??

sputnick said...

I just wanted to express my belated but heartfelt appreciation for this post. Karmic justice doesn't seem to work terrible well, but this story is proof that your deeds do have a way of coming back and biting you in the ass, in a roundabout sort of way.

JMEPED said...

Yes, but it is in the welcome back cotter kind of state. why don't you make a come back and come over and judge it. It wouldn't be a party with out a few piles of shit laying around.

catscratch diva said...

I'll consider it if you guarantee your mad skillz and promise to use only the highest quality silicone.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Slutkick - HEY-OOOO!!! You are correct sir!!!

Jmeped - I'm there, baby!

Diva - Sorry, I don't have any silicone. Will a jar of grape jelly do?

don henley said...

Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down

Kick em when theyre up
Kick em when theyre down
Kick em when theyre stiff
Kick em all around

Pud said...

Hey Ed...it's called an IRA. You should have invested 100 years ago.

puerileuwaite said...

Can't afford to give a lot this month. Is Gary Coleman or that Webster kid still available?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

This is a worthy cause, but would if we narrowed the scope a little to just sidekicks? People like Ed, Robin, Oats . . .

JMEPED said...

How much is it gonna cost me to get someone good like Mr. Ropper or that monkey from Friends?