6/30/2008

Crappy Birthday, Dyckerson! (Part 1)

Ask me what my mother got me for my birthday.

Go on, ask.

ASK ME, YOU COCKSUCKERS!!!!!!

My mother...who gave birth to me 36 years ago...whom I shared a home with for 20-something years...who claims to know me better than ANYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING WORLD...somehow got it into her head that I would enjoy having one of THESE on my body.

Go on, click the link.

CLICK THE FUCKING LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, it's a bracelet. A man bracelet. A bracelet...for a man.

It came wrapped in a small box. When she handed me the package on Saturday, I was hoping it might contain something useful and/or manly, like a gift card to Home Depot or perhaps a set of truck nutz. But no. Oh, hell no. My mother has to buy me BLING.

My jaw dropped in disbelief as I extracted the atrocity from its silky holster. I looked up at my mother, then down at the bracelet, then up at my mother again.

"Well what do you think??!" she asked eagerly.

I struggled to find the right words to express my emotions. "It's...it's..."

"Yesss????"

"It's a fucking BRACELET!!!" I screamed.

"I know!" she exclaimed. "Isn't it beautiful??"

"Beautiful just isn't the word," I replied.

"Try it on!!" she insisted.

"What, here? Now??!" I objected. "No, I couldn't possibly."

"Try it on, or I'm cutting you out of the will!"

Reluctantly I lifted the object - the fucker must've weighed five pounds - and fumbled with the clasp trying to get it open. As I fumbled, I said a silent prayer: Please God, if you care anything at all about my happiness, you will see to it that this bracelet breaks apart in my hand.

Needless to say, the clasp snapped off with ease.

"I hope it fits!!!" she shouted with anticipation.

For a moment, I felt like O.J. God, I'm serious this time. If you really do exist, you will make certain that this bracelet does not fit.

Of course it fit. It fit like a fucking bloody glove.

You want to see it, don't you? I know you do, you SICK FUCKS. Alright, here it is:



(I'll give you a moment to remove the Coke spittle from your keyboard......)

"It looks great on you!" Mother Dyckerson shouted with glee. "You need to wear it all the time!"

"Oh, I think I'll be saving this for...special occasions," I stated unconvincingly.

I attempted to remove the offending bling from my limb. I fumbled around with the difficult clasp, pulling and tugging in all directions. To my absolute horror, I COULD NOT GET THE FUCKING THING OFF MY ARM!!

"GET IT OFF!!!" I screamed.

Mother D. came over and proceeded to tug and twist the thing, but she too was unsuccessful.

"Well what do you make of that?" she asked quizzically.

I was about to contemplate amputation when finally the stupid piece of shit fell off on its own, taking most of my arm hair with it. It landed on the floor with a metallic CLINK sound.

I scooped up the scrap metal, tossed it in the box, and got the hell out of there.

How am I going to unload this damned thing?? I can't return it - she bought it off of QV-Fucking-C, for Chrissakes. I guess I can't blame her. The customer reviews on the QVC web site are quite favorable...

"This bracelet looks more expensive than the price."
--Translation: It's cheap.

"I purchased two of these, one for my husband and one for our grandson...I can't wait to give it to them!"
--Isn't that precious? Matching bracelets! I'm sure your grandson will be a huge hit at the next gay pride parade.

"
It is masculine and I wear it with a suit or with jeans and a polo shirt...Duke of Marmunster"
--Well if it's good enough for the Duke of Marmunster...

Besides, she honestly expects to see me wearing it! Maybe amputation isn't such a bad idea after all. I suppose I could learn to type with my feet. Hell, I already type most of my blog posts with my enormous wang.

Meanwhile, I'm working on my pimp name just in case. Here's what I've come up with so far:

  • Pimp Daddy Dyckerson Flow
  • Funk Master Mighty D.
  • Sugartastic Mighty Shmoove
  • Reverend Doctor M. Flex
  • Ghetto Fabulous Dyck Tickle

And if you think this was bad enough, just wait til you find out what my DAD bought me.....on the next installment of Crappy Birthday, Dyckerson!


19 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

Yo, yo, yo! What up, G?

Look at it this way, you'll be all the rage at "The Man Hole" downtown....

Drunkbunnyt said...

Happy birthday! I turned 40 on the 22nd and I'm hatin' it. But at least I got an Amazon Gift Certificate from my parents! See, when parents don't love you, you get gift certificates instead of QVC buys that she thought long and hard about, ensuring it was a good match for her pwessius son.

But you have a great excuse not to wear it - tell her your arm broke out and you must be allergic to the metal. You may need to get some poison ivy to evoke a rash for maximum believability but it will be worth it.

catscratch diva said...

It's sexy... in a cheap QVC kind of way.

I totally vote for Ghetto Fabulous Dyck Tickle. Very hawt.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Cut your mom some slack already. The poor woman's suffered enough spawning you.

It is pretty nasty, though.

Happy birthday.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Blondie - Yuk it up, Sassysquatch!!!

Intoxicated Hare - That idea ain't half bad! But to hell with the poison ivy. I'll just draw a rash on my arm with a red marker.

Tubby - Word.

Cherry - Nasty?? I thought you'd be the one person who'd like it!

Jake Titus said...

Wsup Mo Dyck?
That bling be slammin', Ain't nothin' butta thing my man. Cat like you can roll wit dat! Yooz make dat shit look good!
Late!!!

BTW Happy b-day!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Would that bracelet be too small for your dick? Might be a fine fit there, bub.

Kadonkadonk said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! You have such pretty, feminine wrists.

karla said...

Give your poor mom a break. She obviously figures you must be gay after all these years of never, ever, even once, bringing home a girl. Instead of weeping and screaming and rejecting you like some parents would, she is trying to go with the flow and show you she is accepting of your lifestyle. I think she sounds like a great mom. Any potential life partner would be proud to call her "Mother In Law."

don henley said...

Oh well, it's been a good day in hell
And tomorrow I'll be glory bound

JMEPED said...

Look at it this way maybe you can get charms for it. Maybe you could find some truck nuts and make your own! I like Ghetto Fab Dyck trickle.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hahhahahhah!

I'm doing all my X-Mas shopping on QVC. Me and Mrs. Dickerson are going to get shit done.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

J. Tit. - I didn't know you were Afro American.

Snake - What, you want my schlong to turn green??!

Kapinkapunk - Actually, I put myself through college by working as a hand model.

Ms. Babble - I was saving myself for you all those years! But you had to go and get yourself knocked up at age 16...and 18...and 21...and 24...and 26...and 29...

Don - Leave me be, I'm just walking' this line.

Jmeped - Silly lesbian! It's TICKLE, not TRICKLE!

Dr. K. - I'm sure your loved ones will enjoy their salad shooters and Joan Rivers costume jewelry.

Anonymous said...

See - your momma knows you are gay and figures that u need something to attract MattNYC.

You just haven't accepted this fact yet - when was the last time you got a little from a chick?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Anon - I got a little from yo mama last night. Does she count?

Bostick said...

tl/dr

Happy fourth of July faggot.

Beth said...

Happy Birthday Pimp Daddy!!!! maybe if you'd wax your arm hair, you wouldn't have that problem, then you could wear your beautiful pimped out bracelet all. day. long.

happy Birthday you old fart!

The Middle Lifer said...

You bling wearing biatch. That's so sad...first sign of older age.The gold chains start showing up, then its the diamond stud earing, next thing ya know, your looking like Harrison Ford with Ms Babble on the arm (since she has chicken legs like Harrison's girlfriend)

It's okay Dyck, just embrace the inevitable dude...

UBERMOUTH said...

Thumbs downon the bracelet, but I do like the penis it's wrapped around...why it's as big as an arm.