Does this picture ring a bell?

I wrote about this piece of shit back in January - yes, JANUARY - and I've been trying to unload it ever since. During that time, I have replaced the battery, a fusable link, part of the exhaust, the engine, the transmission, the tires, the brakes, the shocks, the axle, the gas tank, the mirrors, the seats, the radio, the windshield, and even the fucking cup holder. I have also had it towed approximately 57 times and have walked about 200 miles as a result.

I have tried everything to sell this bucket of bolts. I've tried Craigslist, eBay, Auto Trader, Craigslist again, the newspaper, Craigslist again, and eBay again. I even tried parking it in a seedy neighborhood with the key in the ignition and the engine running. I came back three days later and found a sympathy card taped to the windshield. Also, a homeless guy had defecated in the back seat.

Not that I haven't had a few nibbles. One guy was really interested, but only if he could trade me for his Chevy Nova. Another guy was ready to buy, until he looked underneath the car and saw various fluids leaking on the ground. (Geez, some people are so fucking picky.) And I've had numerous asswipes try to lowball me without even looking at the damned thing. How rude!

Finally last week, I found myself the sucker I've been looking for. The foreign bastard came all the way from Maryland to buy it. At first, everything went perfectly. He kicked the tires, started it up, and looked under the hood. So far, so good. Then I let him take it for a test drive. Bad idea. That's when the radiator warning light came on the dash. (Dammit, I had meant to cover that up with black electrical tape.)

Sucker: What dis red light?
Dyck: Oh that?? That's just a reading lamp.
Sucker: It say low coolant.
Dyck: Hmm...That's news to me. So will that be cash or money order?

Of course, foreign bastard tried to use this to his advantage and haggle with the price. But I was not about to back down. Nobody pushes Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson around...and I mean NOBODY. Yes indeed, I stood firm and held my ground. I let that guy know who's boss. No way was I going to pay him more than $3,000 to get that car out of my life.

Now can someone lend me a few bucks til payday?


Effortlessly Average said...

You know, if you really wanted to unload it, perhaps you should have removed the dead hooker from the trunk. Just a suggestion.

I'm pretty sure the DMV inspectors will notice.

puerileuwaite said...

For shame!

What happened to the Mighty Dyckerson from just 2-years ago? That Clown would never be caught (note the word "caught") kissing hairy immigrant ass!

No way Jose. HE would be at the shoreline as they swam in, selling them timeshares in a fleet of non-existent Yellow Cabs.

And let me point out how that same legendary, over-insured hemorrhoid would have faked his own fiery death in that very same, over-insured Toyota?

We don't even know who you are anymore.

Jake Titus said...

Gas can, flare, country road. . .do you see where I'm going with this?

Sassy Blondie said...

So what you are saying is that you got bent over by a foreigner to get rid of a crappy old car?

I'll light a candle for you, Dyckie...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eff - No can do. I needed the extra weight in the back to keep the car from fishtailing in rainy weather.

P - Don't be judging me!

J. Tit. - You want me to set a country road on fire?

Sassy - You will not speak about my beloved Supra in that manner!! I am the only person who is allowed to talk bad about that piece of shit!

don henley said...

Well, my time went too quickly
I went lickety-splitly out to my old fifty-five
As I pulled away slowly, feelin' so holy,
God knows I was feelin' alive
And now the sun's comin' up
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck

Jake Titus said...

Actually...yeah! Kind of like the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene with the airplane. Light off the country road with Dyckmoblie II somewhere in the middle....KaBooooooM!!!....problem solved!

catscratch diva said...

Damn Dyck...

If you're gonna have to pay somebody to take it, just hold onto it until November.

Dyckmobile will bring in BANK once you win the election. Kinda like Bon Jovi's used kleenex, ya know?

Beth said...

I think you got fucked dyck.....was it good?

karla said...

It is SO hard to sell a car with a driver's seat that's soaked in urine.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mr. Henley - Lord don't you know, the feeling's gettin' stronger?

J. Tit. - I'd rather just fill it full of snakes and roll up the windows.

Diva - Who's Bon Jovi?

Beth - Shouldn't you be out buying groceries for your gluttonous delinquent son?

Ms. Babble - YOU PREGNANT BABBLER!! I was hoping the pine tree air freshener would have masked the odor.

sputnick said...

It most desporable the way Mighty Dyckerson is denigrating the Supra, which is a fly ride even with faeces in the back seat. Perhaps Mighty Dyckerson is blaming the Supra for the insufficient quantity of poon in his life? The Supra is a sports car, meant to be enjoyed on the winding highways. It should not be used as poon bait, and then dissed when it fails to catch any. May we suggest a hybrid Lexus?

Pud said...

Finally! Now will you be able to sleep at night?

D-HOR said...

Why didn't you just bring it over here to the Ghetto? We've got no problem getting rid of vehicles. Hell you don't need a title or anything.

Or keys.


karla said...

I'm not pregnant, you fucknut! I've been pregnant TWICE in my life! That's hardly a record. Although, since it IS twice as many times as you've been laid in your life, I can see why you'd think it's a big number.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Spatneck - A Lexus?? What am I, 70 years old??!

Pud - Only if you're sleeping with me.

Hor - HOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ms. Babble - Geez, you're cranky when you're pregnant.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I woulda bought it if you had painted it khaki.

catscratch diva said...

Out of curiousity...

Where the hell are you?
Have the aliens abducted you and are they holding your in their testing center and doing all sorts of unspeakable things to your bum?

Just concerned.

Beth said...

where are you Dyck?????

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

If you're anything like me, when you get a new car, you'll miss all those little quirks, like the engine light coming on.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Congrats on the sale.

But I have to ask... how, exactly, do you hold your ground? And what makes you think it's your ground anyway?

Ooooh! And what if it's haunted?

Huh? Had you thought about that?


You should have made out it was one of Elvis's we could have been RICH!
Well, it was my idea!