4/29/2008

It's a Twister!

This is Mighty Dyckerson coming to you LIVE from tornado-ravaged Dyckersonville...just one of the many towns that was DEVASTATED yesterday when MOTHER NATURE'S FURY unleashed a barrage of ANGRY TWISTERS which SLAMMED INTO THE REGION, leaving a path of DISASTER AND DESTRUCTION in its wake and making NATIONAL HEADLINES as residents attempt to PICK UP THE PIECES and SALVAGE WHAT IS LEFT OF THEIR PATHETIC, MEANINGLESS LIVES.

Ha! Had you dipshits going for a minute there, didn't I?? But you gotta admit, it sounded pretty good. Actually, my home state of Vaginia did sustain quite a bit of damage thanks to a few well placed vortices. The party started late yesterday afternoon when the local news nitwits interrupted my favorite game show, Name That Poon, to tell us that a funnel cloud had been spotted over the nearby town of Colonial Heights.

Said funnel cloud injured several people, destroyed a few homes and tore a bigass hole in the roof of a Target and a Shoe Carnival. Naturally, I immediately erupted into a roar of laughter. Not because the misfortune of others makes me happy, which it does by the way. No, the humor stems from the fact that the exact same spot got hit by a twister 15 years ago. We rarely get twisters around these parts, and Colonial Heights - shit hole town that it is - got hit not once, but TWICE!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA *Cough* Ahem.

What's even funnier is that the storm would hit a Target store - a building with a gigantic bulls-eye painted on it. Mother Nature sure has a sense of humor, don't she??! I want to party with that beeyatch!!!

About this time, the weather monkeys on the local news station went berserk, jumping all over the screen and pointing to their colorful, computer generated radar maps. The NBC affiliate had not one, not two, but THREE meteorologist dudes competing for air time. Do I really need three people to tell me it's raining?? Those nerds live for that shit, and the nastier the storm, the better. I'm betting there wasn't a single flaccid penis among the three of them. Not that I spend a lot of time thinking about their penises. Then the news reporters showed up on the scene and started hunting for witnesses to interview. For over ten minutes, my ears were assaulted by countless tired references to freight trains and match sticks.

Then the governor grabbed a podium and a microphone and started auditioning for President. First he declared a state of emergency. (Gee, thanks. Does this mean we're allowed to panic now?) Then he declared the town of Suffolk a disaster area. (No shit, professor. That town has been a disaster area for 20 years.) Then he hugged some victims. (I suspect they were paid actors.) Then he climbed on board a helicopter so he can survey the damage. (He's a former attorney. What the fuck does he know about surveying damage??)

Anyway, you all will be relieved to know that Dyckerson Headquarters escaped harm. All my file cabinets filled with top-notch poon jokes are safe and secure for yet another day. And for that, we give thanks.


20 comments:

Jake Titus said...

Sounds like mother nature hit the ole' bullseye. Keen observation on your part, the whole Target thing. Suprised she spared the trailer parks. Ussually she sticks it to them pretty bad.

Inchy said...

We have some light rain here. I might have to switch the window wipers on to intermittent wipe! Wish me luck.

Beth said...

are you sure Mother Nature wasn't after YOU Dyck? maybe she just missed....

Kadonkadonk said...

I think Beth's on to something because over here in Fairfax, there were a few rain drops, but then the sun came out and God gave us a beautiful rainbow to remind us that he loves everyone but you.

Effortlessly Average said...

Please; you didn't have me fooled for a second. I know the only reason YOU'd be near a disaster scene would be if

a) you caused it
b) you were looting the wreckage for copies of home poon movies

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Glad the poon is safe!

(And, er, you too, I mean of course.)

ann said...

Thank God you are safe Dyck. Like the Governor gives a shit about the victims. He climbed onto the helicopter to get the HELL out of there.

catscratch diva said...

And I'm sure they got the dorkiest of the dorks to be the ones interviewed on CNN and MSNBC...

When that mean tornado smacked into our neck of the woods many moons ago, I know they staked out looking for BillyBob to interview.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am sure it would take more than a tornado to bring the Mighty Dyck down. (Ho ho har de har har.)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tit - All the trailers blew away in the last tornado. Thankfully, they never came back.

Inchy - Godspeed, my friend. Godspeed.

Beth - Dyckerson is not amused.

Kadunkadank - Rainbows are gay.

Eff - You caught me. The looting opportunities haven't been this good since Katrina!

Cherry - I have a feeling poon is always safe when you're around.

Ann - Either that, or he's moonlighting as a traffic reporter.

Diva - I think it was the same guy. He wanders from town to town doing interviews.

Snake - Ho ho indeed.

Jake Titus said...

It's called a man boob, not a Tit.

marky said...

What do a Virgina Twister and a Virginia Divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

sputnick said...

I would just like to express my appreciation for this wonderfully crafted, achingly beautiful post. I was worried, frankly, when TMB resorted to lampooning innocent academics, and thought it might be due to adverse effects from the recent turmoil in the blogger's real life. But it is good to see the Dyck back with all faculties intact, his wit sharper than ever.

UBERMOUTH said...

It took a tornado to get you off the toilet?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

J. Tit. - Sorry, boob.

Marky - Ha! That's the first time I've heard that one.....TODAY!!!

Spitnick - Indeed it is true. My rapier-like wit is sharp enough to cut through any adversity that comes my way.

Uber - Sorry, but I had a high pressure system brewing...IN MY RECTUM!!!

Just telling it like it is said...

Just so you know I think the average peni size is 5 inches long errect..but then again what was I thinking that you were adverage????

marky said...

HA ha HA HAH hahhaha hHAHHA haha

Sassy Blondie said...

Perhaps you were spared because the Dark Lord has his own plans for you....

Effortlessly Average said...

Sssassaaay! -

"Perhaps you were spared because the Dark Lord has his own plans for you...."

Dick Cheney and Dyck know each other?!

Wait. Dyck.... Dick.... I think I may have answered my own question there.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Heh. Target. Funny.

The image of the overturned carts is amusing as well. Dunno why, really. It just is.