4/12/2008

Climbing the Ladder

So one thing I did in my absence was quit my job. Yep, that's right. I traded my crappy, boring I.T. job where I moved data around all day.....for a crappy, boring I.T. job where I write reports all day. Trust me, it's just as unexciting as it seems, if not more so. The salary is more or less the same, and I have the same view of three padded cubicle walls filled with asbestos.

Then why did I trade one crappy, boring I.T. job for another, you ask?? Well for one thing, the new job doesn't have an arrogant prick who polishes his BMW every day in the parking lot with the carcass of a baby lamb. And the new job doesn't have a loud mouthed one-upper who takes great delight in pelting his co-workers with rubber Nerf darts any chance he gets. And the new job doesn't have a lesbian ex-Marine project manager who constantly yammers on the phone in corporate babble, referring to humans as "resources" and their work as "deliverables." And the new job doesn't have a psycho secretary who threatens to go postal if you don't properly label your refrigerated items.

So what DOES my new job have?? I'm glad you asked. My new job has a lymie who wears the exact same clothes every day: blue jeans and a black sweater with some sort of British emblem thing on one sleeve. My new job has a metrosexual with a hilarious last name (which I will not divulge at this time) who gossips about his co-workers like a housewife gossips about the neighbors. My new job has an overweight boss/owner who looks like Santa and is about to die at any moment - every day he comes in bright at early at NOON, huffing and puffing with exhaustion from his 50 foot walk from his car. But more important than any of that, my new job has one of THESE:


That's right, baby! I've got free membership to COSTCO, the nation's number 3 wholesaler of bulk merchandise! Coming from a guy who buys his mayo by the gallon, this is a true godsend!! You just can't put a price tag on perks like that!! Actually, I guess you can. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Oh yes, and this job comes with another intangible benefit: FLEX TIME! Now if you're not familiar with this radical new concept, it's quite simple. Flex time gives employees the ability to set their own working hours. For example, at my company I have the option of coming in at 8:00am and working until 5:00pm...or, if I prefer, I can come in at 7:45am and work until 4:45pm!! Or let's say I'm not a morning person. No problem there! I can come in at 8:05am and work until 5:05pm!! Or let's say little Dyck Jr. has an organ recital at 5:07pm. All I have to do is come in at 7:52am, work until 4:52pm, and make the 15 minute drive to his school, where I proceed to fondle his music teacher and watch D.J. play with his organ. The point is, with flex time, my options are virtually limitless!!!*

But wait, there's more! This job gives its employees YET ANOTHER exciting perk: FREE BEVERAGES!! Yep, the coffee pot is always full of steaming hot instant decaf. Want half & half or sugar? Got it right here!! Or maybe coffee isn't your drink of choice. Well you're in luck, because this building comes fully equipped with INDOOR PLUMBING...including a WATER FOUNTAIN!!! I tell you, there's nothing like standing around the water fountain and chatting with your colleagues about last night's rerun of Match Game '78 on GSN. Man, that Charles Nelson Reilly was a hoot!

I'm sure I'll have plenty more stories to tell about my exciting new job, but suffice it to say this is a company that truly values its employees...all seven of them. Every day when I drag data-bound control boxes onto my report layout and align their positions along the grid, I feel like I am truly making a difference in the world.

Please shoot me now.



* As long as I get there close to 8am and work eight hours, plus one hour for lunch.

19 comments:

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Couple things:
1) I like the "Ancient Chinese Secret" lady on your masthead. Truly awesome.

2) Are you getting PC on us? The metrosexual guy -- doesn't sound to me like there's anything metro about this sexual.

3) I agree - Charles Nelson Reilly was a hoot.

The Middle Lifer said...

You left the perfect ass? You left the best perk "behind" I think.

Costco? You actually see that as a perk? Wait until I accost you with that Ameriprise "free" consultation that you just won in the aisle.

Beth said...

What about The Miracle Ass??!!!! You left that??? Dyck, you let me down....your pervertedness is fading away.....ahh, the good old days...

Jake Titus said...

Dyck,
please tell me you hate dycked the Commie Poon prior to your evac!!! Can we make a trade? I'll happily give you one "redneck fuck" for a "metrosexual gossip whore sweater geek"!!!

P.S. Welcome back
Jake

puerileuwaite said...

Lucky bastard. If you say they have BOTH commercial grade carpet AND fluorescent lighting, I'm gonna shit.

don henley said...

Business as usual
Day after day
Business as usual
Feel like walking away
A barrel of monkeys
Or band of renown
Business as usual
Is breakin' me down
Breakin' me down

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cherry - (1) It's no "secret" that three out of four chinks prefer Calgon; (2) Well he's got the whole v-neck sweater and black square glasses thing going on. He's either metro or homo, but he sure as hell ain't no hetero; (3) I was just kidding, but I'm guessing you dug the ascots.

Lifer - No, no, no. Miracle Ass is from my seasonal/part-time/freelance gig. Pay attention! As for Costco, I'm looking forward to the free sausage samples.

Beth - See above. Your Alzheimers is letting ME down.

J-Tit - Of course I dycked the commie poon. It was filled with borscht.

P - Actually, they just had new carpet installed. The fumes give me a fucking headache every day.

Don - You have such a way with words. Can't you see I'm Workin' It??

son of dyckerson said...

no way in HELL would I play the organ. Rather have sharp needles shoved up my peehole all day. Thanx for noticing though Dad.

sputnick said...

We would like to congratulate Mighty Dyckerson on his deliverance, which was instigated, no doubt, by the depletion of blogging fodder at his former workplace. We would further like to put in a request for details about Mighty Dyckerson's departure. Was it as dramatic as we expect? We trust it did not come about by a letter mailed in by post, nor wrapped in platitudes and patently fake wishes of goodwill.

Willo Keays said...

Is that your hand in the photo?

If so .. I could probably use it to track you down.

What?

No ... of course I'm not stalking you AGAIN. Who said I stopped?

karla said...

I've got to hand it to you, Dyckie. You are incredibly resourceful. You've managed to find not one, but TWO companies willing to employ registered sex offenders. Why can't more ex-cons be as eager to work and contribute to society as you are?

Sassy Blondie said...

I didn't understand any of what you just said...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Was Chaz Nelson Riley a big ol' queen, or was it just me?

Congrats on the new job with the sweet perks!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Son - Your mother is right, we should have aborted your ass. If only we had a coathanger in the back seat of that Pinto...

Spatnuck - My attorneys have advised me not to discuss details of my departure until after the trial.

Willo - Of course it's not my hand. Do you see any tattoos??

Ms. Babble - I may be a sex offender, but at least I don't carry my own feces around in my hands! (Actually, I guess I do, but you can't prove that...unless you look at my avatar...)

Sassy - Me neither. I made it all up.

Dr. Loudliquid - Yes, he was gay, but Brett Somers was a dyke, so it all evened out.

catscratch diva said...

The only bad thing about this new job is that the stories about the old job are now a thing of the past.

I really enjoyed stories from the old job, Dyck. I really did.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Let's hope the new job is as funny as the last one. Well, funny to US, if not to you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cat & Snake - Don't worry, I'm sure my new job will be just as fucked up.

Effortlessly Average said...

Wow, a Costco card. Now you can buy your TP in bulk; by the "gross," even!

~ Stacy ~ said...

You have 'Flex Time' all wrong, Mr. Dyckerson. I'm fairly certain it has something to doing with biceps and beer cans. But then whadda I know? I don't have a job. ...At least not one that I get paid for.