4/29/2008

It's a Twister!

This is Mighty Dyckerson coming to you LIVE from tornado-ravaged Dyckersonville...just one of the many towns that was DEVASTATED yesterday when MOTHER NATURE'S FURY unleashed a barrage of ANGRY TWISTERS which SLAMMED INTO THE REGION, leaving a path of DISASTER AND DESTRUCTION in its wake and making NATIONAL HEADLINES as residents attempt to PICK UP THE PIECES and SALVAGE WHAT IS LEFT OF THEIR PATHETIC, MEANINGLESS LIVES.

Ha! Had you dipshits going for a minute there, didn't I?? But you gotta admit, it sounded pretty good. Actually, my home state of Vaginia did sustain quite a bit of damage thanks to a few well placed vortices. The party started late yesterday afternoon when the local news nitwits interrupted my favorite game show, Name That Poon, to tell us that a funnel cloud had been spotted over the nearby town of Colonial Heights.

Said funnel cloud injured several people, destroyed a few homes and tore a bigass hole in the roof of a Target and a Shoe Carnival. Naturally, I immediately erupted into a roar of laughter. Not because the misfortune of others makes me happy, which it does by the way. No, the humor stems from the fact that the exact same spot got hit by a twister 15 years ago. We rarely get twisters around these parts, and Colonial Heights - shit hole town that it is - got hit not once, but TWICE!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA *Cough* Ahem.

What's even funnier is that the storm would hit a Target store - a building with a gigantic bulls-eye painted on it. Mother Nature sure has a sense of humor, don't she??! I want to party with that beeyatch!!!

About this time, the weather monkeys on the local news station went berserk, jumping all over the screen and pointing to their colorful, computer generated radar maps. The NBC affiliate had not one, not two, but THREE meteorologist dudes competing for air time. Do I really need three people to tell me it's raining?? Those nerds live for that shit, and the nastier the storm, the better. I'm betting there wasn't a single flaccid penis among the three of them. Not that I spend a lot of time thinking about their penises. Then the news reporters showed up on the scene and started hunting for witnesses to interview. For over ten minutes, my ears were assaulted by countless tired references to freight trains and match sticks.

Then the governor grabbed a podium and a microphone and started auditioning for President. First he declared a state of emergency. (Gee, thanks. Does this mean we're allowed to panic now?) Then he declared the town of Suffolk a disaster area. (No shit, professor. That town has been a disaster area for 20 years.) Then he hugged some victims. (I suspect they were paid actors.) Then he climbed on board a helicopter so he can survey the damage. (He's a former attorney. What the fuck does he know about surveying damage??)

Anyway, you all will be relieved to know that Dyckerson Headquarters escaped harm. All my file cabinets filled with top-notch poon jokes are safe and secure for yet another day. And for that, we give thanks.


4/24/2008

On A Wing And A Poon

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great honor that I introduce you to Dr. Andrew Wing On Poon:




Who is this mysterious Poon, you may ask. I was just getting ready to tell you. Dr. Poon just so happens to be Assistant Professor at the world-renown Hong Kong University of Science and Technology. As you can imagine, this is a well educated Poon. I happened to run across his bio while doing some.....umm.....research for an upcoming blog post. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, it was with great interest that I read the story of this magnificent Poon.

For example, did you know that Poon was an Ivy Leaguer?? Yep, that's right! After completing his undergraduate work at the University of Chicago, this Poon went on to Yale where he earned both a Ph.D. AND an M.Phil. in Physics. Professor Poon's interests include silicon-based micro- and nano-photonic devices for wavelength-division multiplexing (WDM) optical communications, micro-cavity optics, photonic integrated circuits. Wowee, that's one impressive Poon!!!

So how did Andrew Wing On Poon manage to achieve such greatness in a relatively short time?? Undoubtedly he was raised well by his parents. I imagine the entire Poon clan is a very tight group. Being a minority attending college in the U.S., I'm sure Poon took quite a pounding from his peers, but this is one Poon that couldn't be licked. Surely Dr. Poon will someday have some little Poons of his own...and they, too, will grow up to live meaningful, productive (and reproductive) lives.

Can you imagine attending a course taught by Poon?? Day in and day out, those bright young faces must gather their books and hurry to class, eager for the opportunity to share in the presence of the magnificent Poon. I bet they sit and stare at Poon for hours, just waiting to hear what will come out of his lips next.

Those who know the professor regard him as a very sweet, warm Poon, but they warn others to approach Poon with great caution. Indeed, they say there are certain times of the month when this Poon is best left undisturbed. But in general, he is a delightful Poon who should be respected and admired by all.

If you would like to find out more about Professor Andrew Wing On Poon, I urge you to email him today at eeawpoon@ust.hk. I think you'll be very interested to see what he has to say.


4/15/2008

Hangin' With The Pope


As most of you probably know, the one and only Pope is visiting these here United States on a whirlwind tour. What you probably didn't know was that I, Mighty Dyckerson, had the opportunity to sit down with His Papalness for an EXCLUSIVE Mighty Blog interview! The pontiff rarely talks to the American press, so this was a real treat for yours truly. So without further ado, here's the transcript from our conversation.....


Pope: And so I said to the guy, "You're not confessing! You're bragging!! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Dyck: Umm, Mr. Pope? We're recording...

Pope: Oh. Sorry.

Dyck: Welcome to the U.S.! It's an honor to have you here.

Pope: Wassup, home skillet?

Dyck: So this is your first trip to this country. What are your impressions?

Pope: Impressions?? Well, I do a pretty good impression of Ed Sullivan. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a really big shewwww!!" HA HA HA!

Dyck: I had no idea you were a fan of American television.

Pope: Oh, hells yeah! I just installed a satellite dish on top of the Vatican so I can get HBO. My favorite show is "The Sopranos."

Dyck: Wow, I never would have guessed. So did you meet President Bush?

Pope: That's affirmative. Geez, what a fucktard. And people wonder how I got THIS job!!

Dyck: Tell me about it.

Pope: And what's the deal with these fucking gas prices?? It cost me 50 bucks to fill up the Popemobile this afternoon. And the stupid cashier wouldn't even take my Diners' Club card!

Dyck: I'm sorry to hear that. So what brings you to the States? Do you have a message of peace and hope to share with us?

Pope: Nah, I leave that shit to the greeting card companies. I'm here to plug my new cookbook.

Dyck: You have a cookbook??! What's it called??

Pope: The Papal Gourmet.

Dyck: Catchy title.

Pope: Thanks. Make sure you "savior" money, 'cause it's on sale for only $19.95!!

Dyck: What kind of recipes are in it?

Pope: Oh, all kinds of stuff. Entrees, desserts, you name it. I make an Angel Food Cake that's to die for. And try the Eggs Benedict XVI. It's sinfully delicious!

Dyck: I'd like to shift gears and talk about a more serious subject. I'm talking of course about the Catholic sex scandal.

Pope: Whoa, hold on just a damn minute! I told your producers I would not be answering questions about that!!

Dyck: But I...

Pope: But nothing!! I said I'd talk about my cookbook, my workout video, or my body splash...but NOT about the scandal!!!

Dyck: I just thought you might want to clear the air...

Pope: Clear the air?? Did I fart here??! No, I don't think so! This is an outrage!! Pope Johnny-P never had to put up with this shit! I'm outta here!!


Well there you have it. As you can see, he's a rather testy pontiff. I'm guessing it was just the jet lag. Anyway, I was told to mention that His Holiness will be signing copies of his cookbook at Barnes & Noble this Saturday from 2 to 4. Y'all come on down, ya hear??


4/12/2008

Climbing the Ladder

So one thing I did in my absence was quit my job. Yep, that's right. I traded my crappy, boring I.T. job where I moved data around all day.....for a crappy, boring I.T. job where I write reports all day. Trust me, it's just as unexciting as it seems, if not more so. The salary is more or less the same, and I have the same view of three padded cubicle walls filled with asbestos.

Then why did I trade one crappy, boring I.T. job for another, you ask?? Well for one thing, the new job doesn't have an arrogant prick who polishes his BMW every day in the parking lot with the carcass of a baby lamb. And the new job doesn't have a loud mouthed one-upper who takes great delight in pelting his co-workers with rubber Nerf darts any chance he gets. And the new job doesn't have a lesbian ex-Marine project manager who constantly yammers on the phone in corporate babble, referring to humans as "resources" and their work as "deliverables." And the new job doesn't have a psycho secretary who threatens to go postal if you don't properly label your refrigerated items.

So what DOES my new job have?? I'm glad you asked. My new job has a lymie who wears the exact same clothes every day: blue jeans and a black sweater with some sort of British emblem thing on one sleeve. My new job has a metrosexual with a hilarious last name (which I will not divulge at this time) who gossips about his co-workers like a housewife gossips about the neighbors. My new job has an overweight boss/owner who looks like Santa and is about to die at any moment - every day he comes in bright at early at NOON, huffing and puffing with exhaustion from his 50 foot walk from his car. But more important than any of that, my new job has one of THESE:


That's right, baby! I've got free membership to COSTCO, the nation's number 3 wholesaler of bulk merchandise! Coming from a guy who buys his mayo by the gallon, this is a true godsend!! You just can't put a price tag on perks like that!! Actually, I guess you can. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Oh yes, and this job comes with another intangible benefit: FLEX TIME! Now if you're not familiar with this radical new concept, it's quite simple. Flex time gives employees the ability to set their own working hours. For example, at my company I have the option of coming in at 8:00am and working until 5:00pm...or, if I prefer, I can come in at 7:45am and work until 4:45pm!! Or let's say I'm not a morning person. No problem there! I can come in at 8:05am and work until 5:05pm!! Or let's say little Dyck Jr. has an organ recital at 5:07pm. All I have to do is come in at 7:52am, work until 4:52pm, and make the 15 minute drive to his school, where I proceed to fondle his music teacher and watch D.J. play with his organ. The point is, with flex time, my options are virtually limitless!!!*

But wait, there's more! This job gives its employees YET ANOTHER exciting perk: FREE BEVERAGES!! Yep, the coffee pot is always full of steaming hot instant decaf. Want half & half or sugar? Got it right here!! Or maybe coffee isn't your drink of choice. Well you're in luck, because this building comes fully equipped with INDOOR PLUMBING...including a WATER FOUNTAIN!!! I tell you, there's nothing like standing around the water fountain and chatting with your colleagues about last night's rerun of Match Game '78 on GSN. Man, that Charles Nelson Reilly was a hoot!

I'm sure I'll have plenty more stories to tell about my exciting new job, but suffice it to say this is a company that truly values its employees...all seven of them. Every day when I drag data-bound control boxes onto my report layout and align their positions along the grid, I feel like I am truly making a difference in the world.

Please shoot me now.



* As long as I get there close to 8am and work eight hours, plus one hour for lunch.

4/05/2008

I Have Returned...


Many of you have been wondering where I've been the last few weeks. Some of you believe I was incarcerated. Others are under the impression I was in some sort of rehab facility. A few people even think I was abducted by aliens who probed me anally for fun and amusement. Well all of you are WRONG.

You see, there comes a time in every man's existence when he must take pause and examine his life. For me, that time came about two weeks ago. There I was, perched atop my porcelain throne with my laptop computer, about to update you on my quest to break the all-time toilet sitting record.

As I was getting ready to upload a photo of my latest bowel movement, it hit me like a bag of wet pork rinds: Dyckerson, you are 35 years old. You're still single, you have no children, no legacy whatsoever. Every night you come home to an empty house and eat Cheetos on the couch until you pass out. Dyckerson, your life is PERFECT!!!!!

Just then, I dropped my laptop down the shitter and I've been without Internet access ever since.

I'M JUST YANKING YOUR CHAIN!!!

Truth is, I just haven't fucking felt like blogging. There, I said it. Is that OK with you neanderthals??! Can't a guy take a damn break every once in a while without being pestered and nagged??! GEEZ!!!!!

Besides, I've been busy. Many exciting things have been taking place here at Casa de Dyck, and rest assured I'll be telling you all about it in the days and weeks to come. So sit back, relax, and GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!!!