3/16/2008

Somebody Call Guinness!

This is Mighty Dyckerson coming to you LIVE from atop the toilet in my luxurious second floor lavatory. Why am I blogging from my shitter, you ask?? Well surely by now you've heard about the Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Loo. She made headlines last week when cops found her in a trailer where she had been welded to her toilet seat for two years. When I read about this, I was heartbroken. Grandpa Dyckerson had held the potty sitting record for decades...and now this bitch comes along and shatters it! So not to be outdone, I have set out to RECLAIM THE TITLE by sitting on my toilet nonstop for THREE YEARS!!! I know, it seems like an impossible task. But have no fear, for I have planned ahead.

First and foremost, I have made provisions for food and water. Actually, water is no issue - the bathroom sink is right there at arm's length. As for food, I have stocked the medicine cabinet with a wide assortment of delicious CHEF BOYARDEE CANNED PASTA MEALS. Mmm-mmm, that's good eatin'! In addition, I have my cell phone programmed with the numbers of all the pizza and chinese delivery joints within a 10-mile radius. Directions to my toilet are taped to the front door for the delivery guys. A spare house key is cleverly hidden under the door mat.

As for sleep, I should have no trouble catching 40 winks with the pillow and blanket I have in here. Hell, I even have an ottoman for propping up my feet. I'LL BE LIVING IN THE CRAP OF LUXURY!!

Now many of you are probably wondering if my ass skin will become fused to the toilet seat. Please, you're not exactly dealing with an amateur here. I have already anticipated this very possibility; therefore, I have coated my throne with a thick layer of TEFLON. Furthermore, I have sprayed my ass liberally with PAM NO-STICK COOKING SPRAY. So no way is my ass sticking to anything. Of course, I'll have my kitchen spatula standing by just in case.

But how will I stay connected to the outside world, you ask?? Well obviously I have my CRAPTOP COMPUTER with me, and this baby has a wireless card so I can steal Internets from the neighbors. I also moved my DVD PLAYER and BIG SCREEN TV to the bathtub, so I have ENDLESS HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT just inches from my face. And finally, I have instructed my postal carrier to TOSS MY SACKS OF FAN MAIL through the bathroom window. So far, he has only missed once. (Too bad about the neighbor's cat.)

There, that should just about take care of everything. I'll keep you updated on my progress as the months roll by. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my dinner...

...FUCK! I dropped my can opener into the bowl!! Any plumbers out there???



30 comments:

sputnick said...

There have been hundreds, if not thousands, of blog posts about that crazy woman who spent two years in the toilet. But none come even close to this one by Mighty Dyckerson in terms of exploiting the hilarity of the event.

I heard that the gap between Tiger Woods, the world's No. 1 golfer, and the No 2 golfer in the world is about the same as the gap between No. 2 and No. 1,000. That's how good he is. Well, Dyckerson is the Tiger Woods of the blogosphere. Nobody even comes close.

Sassy Blondie said...

I would think you might want to make sure you had adequate toilet tissue for this stunt and the mushroom ass you are going to have after this little adventure....

And uh, can you reach the sink to wash your hands, Stinky?

D-HOR said...

So you're giving up the Presidential Race for a spot in Guiness? Huh, cool by me - but did you remember to input the speed dial #'s of your favorite prostitutes? Or did you forget about sex in your crap-induced haze? Silly Dyck.

catscratch said...

It won't take too long for your ass to go numb... the next 2 years, 11 months 29 days and some-odd hours will be a breeze.

Inchy said...

I am genuinely excited by the challenge you've set for yourself, not in a sexual way of course, that would just be crazy.

You're like a poor-man's David Blane.

"Watch my feet, watch my feet"

Beth said...

you do love your toilet, don't you dyck? and there aint NO WAY I'd ever reach in there to get that can opener...that's on you buddy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sportneck - Exploit nothing! I'm really on my can!! Now get over here and pop this blister on my ass cheek!

Sassy - What do I need with TP? It's not like I'm going anywhere...

HOR - Not to worry. I can run my campaign from right here in the toilet. Best of all, I'll have a craptive audience!

Cat - Thanks to the vodka, my ass was already numb.

Inchy - David Blane? Is he trying to break the record too??

Beth - Some friend you are.

Wirthy said...

If you eat Chef Boyardee, you're bound to spend most of your time in the bathroom anyway. Good luck.

D-HOR said...

And the sex? What about the sex? You didn't mention it - you forgot didn't you. For shame Dykie Poo, and don't you think for even a SECOND that my Sassy is in to giving Blumkins! Don't even go there beotch.

The Middle Lifer said...

Hey I got DVD for you. Its hours long and will make you really glad to be on a shitter to watch it. Sex in the City, the entire series.

BUMBLE!!! said...

I was sent that column in the mail and had to double check it to see that it wasn't The Onion. It was even written in the same style.

That said, if that guy goes to jail over not calling the authorities to come deal with his maladjusted, neurotic, and totally fucked up woman, then this America truly is doomed.

That said, the fact that a guy would date a woman for 2 more years while she lives in a bathroom (carrying out ALL of life's duties in their with her) shows how desperate some guys are to the thought that if they break up with a gal they'll never get laid again.

It's a fucked up world.

Jake Titus said...

wow, since you're busy for the next three years....and you won't be needing it, can I have the dyckmobile? I'll take good care of it.

naughty said...

Good luck getting a blowjob on the throne! That's just ewww.

Kadonkadonk said...

I would definitely take better care of the dyckmobile than jake titus!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wirthy - Yeah, I'll be in the bathroom alright...wiping my mouth after eating a delicious can of Beefaroni!!

Lifer - Dare I ask why you have that DVD??

Bumble - Well think about it. You always know where she is, so cheating is a cinch!

J-Tit - No, but your wife can. I hear she's really good with a stick.

Naughty - I've already gotten three. I'm Client #10 at the Emperor's Club.

Kadunkadink - Fine. It only gets two miles per gallon. Enjoy.

Bostick said...

You are probably going to need some more toilet paper, asswipe.

Krissyface said...

I think this is a fabulous idea! But what are you planning to do to deal with the tiny alligators that crawl up into your bowl from the sewers and bite you in the hiney?

See, you haven't thought of everything.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bistack - Isn't time for you to disappear again??

Krissy - Don't be silly. My toilet drainpipe isn't hooked up to the city sewer. I have it emptying directly into the neighbor's swimming pool.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Gee, Dyckerson, go ahead and reach for the can opener. Maybe you'll find your brain in there too.

marky said...

Call guiness? Why? You like to drink beer on the crappah with your lappah?

Superstar said...

found you via EA...I like your humor...I will be back!!
~looks around~
Nods
Yep...

I heart your sarcasim and wit!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I take it you're not planning on getting any Poon while in there...

Scary Monster said...

Looks like you been on the shitstool fer quite some time.
You must be laying a log the size of a sperm whale's dick, Dyck.

STOMP.

ecp said...

can you please post some new content? there are electrons that need a'wastin.

Amanda said...

That CHEF BOYARDEE is going to give you some good shits. :-) lol.

marky said...

"somebody" must have finally gotten a date?

UBERMOUTH said...

Hey!Somebody stole my comment! It was really funny, too!

BUMBLE!!! said...

Just to let you know, you can remove the URL from the sidebar since I stopped blogging.

Thanks for the support.

Good luck with your site.

D-HOR said...

Dude, is this like a blogger vacation time of year? I think you've been lazier than even IIII have, and that's bad. Wait..... what month is this?? OHhhhhhhhhh.... (yay???)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You're like that David Blane guy! You should have a counter on your site saying how long you've been on the can.