3/08/2008

Russian Hour Traffic


So there's this chick who works in my office. She's moderately attractive, she dresses like a whore, and she's built like a brick shithouse. However, several key factors prevent me from attempting to acquire this poon. I shall list them now in bullet form:

  • She's married with kids. I know, it's not necessarily a deal breaker. I mean there's hardly a woman in this world who can resist the tempting seductions of one Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson. But judging from the photo on her desk, her husband is large and quite muscular.
  • She's Russian. No way in Hades will I allow myself be seen in public cavorting with some commie. I have my presidential campaign to think of. Look what happened when that video surfaced of Yobama hopping around in the desert with nothing but a towel on his head. Major negative P.R. right there.
  • She's a self-centered little bitch. She ought to be grateful to be in this country, but she acts like she's entitled to be here. She struts around the office, shaking her ass like she's walking the runway at the Miss Universe pageant. I am not kidding here. The way she walks, it's like she's expecting people to throw rose petals at her feet or something. Not only that, but she actually thinks her work is more important than anyone else's. On more than one occasion, she has asked me to stop loading my data so she could load hers first. I told her to go fuck herself with a hammer and sickle.


Now the other day I was on the interstate heading for work. I was running a trifle late, so I was slightly exceeding the posted speed limit. Normally I wouldn't give a damn about being late to my shitty job, but it was bagel day, and I wanted to get there before the fatasses in Accounting stole all the cinnamon & raisins. Fucking bean counters. They oughtta be counting calories! Am I right people??!

But back to my morning commute. So I'm on I-295, flying like a bat out of Hell and making good time. Now I get pissed pretty easily when it comes to bad drivers...and when I say bad drivers, I mean EVERY OTHER DRIVER ON THE ROAD besides myself. But the one thing that pisses me off MORE THAN ANYTHING is when slow moving assholes hog the left lane. You know the type. No matter how many vehicles are stacked up behind them trying to get by, the left lane hog just cruises along at or below the speed limit pretending like they can't see them. Usually I encounter at least four or five of these cocksuckers EVERY FUCKING MORNING. Passing on the right is the only option, and I do so quite often...usually while expressing my regards to the offending driver with an obscene gesture or two.

Well this particular morning was no exception. I passed a total of FOUR left lane hogs within a three-mile stretch, and the anger was building. Finally I thought the coast was clear...but not so fast. Up there in the distance, YET ANOTHER left lane hog. I'd had enough. I rolled right up to this cocksucker's bumper and jerked the DyckMobile into the center lane until our cars were side-by-side. Then I rolled up my sleeve, extended my middle finger, and banged it on the glass of my door whilst making an upward thrusting motion. I didn't even bother to look and see who it was. Then I sped forward and swerved the DyckMobile into the left lane, my rear bumper missing the other vehicle's front fender by mere inches. 'Twas a sight to behold.

Quite pleased with myself, I proceeded to work and perched myself in my chair, ready to face another day. Not two minutes later, Russian chick walks in the door, struts over to my cube, and puts her hands on her hips. Here is an excerpt of the conversation that followed.....

Russian Chick: That wasn't very nice, DYCKERSON!
Dyck: What the fuck are you talking about?
Russian Chick: You know what I'm talking about, DYCKERSON! Giving me the finger!!
Dyck: Oh...umm...was that you??
Russian Chick: You know it was me! Do you do that to everybody, DYCKERSON??
Dyck: No, only SELF-CENTERED COMMIE ASSHOLES who don't know how to drive. Now STEP OFF, you borscht-eating red menace!!!

That shut her up. She threw her hands up in the air and stormed off in a huff. With that ugliness behind me, I swiveled around in my chair, gave myself a high five, and got down to business.

Score one for the U.S.A.!


24 comments:

Jake Titus said...

Dyck,
That ranks right up there with beating those red bastards at hockey!!!! Good for you!!!! BTW don't try and knock the poon with Tatiana. After watching "Eastern Promises" I'm convinced that they are all mobsters. Don't fuck with her. The dude in the picture might cut your dyck off.
Jake

Willo Keays said...

Your little Comment tags amuse me to no end: "ONLY 1 PATHETIC COMMENT. YOU MAKE ME SICK."

Tyler Durden said...

Moderately attractive, dresses like a whore and works with you? Sounds like the beginning of a great porn flick. I say stick her.

Wirthy said...

Fridays are donut and bagel day, at my work. They are delivered around 7:00am.

Now what are the odds that I'm going to show up for work that early and actually score a donut? Let me tell you -- their not good.

So, utilizing just the right combination of flattery, intimidation and threats, I have coerced on of our early-rising accounting women to secure me a glazed donut every Friday.

When I arrive, I find it sitting on my desk, probably with spit on it, but what I don't know won't kill me.

sputnick said...

Don't listen to Jake Titus who sounds like a habitual masturbator. You need to take her to a stock room and show her the American way. That way she won't (a) strut around in the office anymore, at least near you, (b) supplant your place in the upload queue, or (c) dawdle when she has the Dyckmobile in the rear view mirror.

Drunkbunny said...

Thank you for fighting the good fight and showing slow left-lane drivers what-for. I hate those people!

What used to get me was that they refused to get to the right, even when I was behind them in the ambulance going red light and siren. We are not allowed to pass on the right, because when we do encounter such assholes, give up and pass on the right so we can go save someone's life, THAT is when the brain dead shitpants decides to merge to the right as the law says they should, and the resulting crash is then OUR fault.

I hate those people. They stay in the left on purpose, as if they're the police of the world: "I'll force everyone to obey the speed limit" when really, in driving slower and blocking traffic, they are more dangerous than any speeder.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

J. Tit. - Please, I wouldn't touch that poon with a 10 foot pole, which I happen to have...in my PANTS!!!

Willo - My, aren't you easily amused??

Dyler Turden - No can do. Even Dyckerson has his standards. Besides, Sassy would kill me.

Wirthy - Good thinking! But that ain't glaze...

Spitneck - She's a fucking commie! I'm not uploading anything in her queue!

InebriatedHare - Amen!!! They're either doing it on purpose or their too distracted by their fucking cell phones! They all must die!!!

The Middle Lifer said...

A finger is nice, but a large ball bearing across the windshield is the shit...

Looks like a rock crack, and they can't prove shit. My stepfather the biker taught me that one.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

DO you have a campaign manager for your presidential campaign yet? Because that was damn inspirational for all Mericans!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Those slow left lane people are sucky. I would have mooned her. That's tough to do while driving, but it sends a message: You drive like my ass.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - Then why not use an actual rock?? That's a waste of a perfectly good ball bearing!

Cherry - No, but I have a champagne manager. Would you care for a glass?

Dr. K - Good idea. Maybe I'll just take a picture of my ass and keep it in the car for these occasions.

catscratch diva said...

Bean counters should most certainly be calorie counting. As our office bean counter can barely fit through my office door. Which isn't really a bad thing!

Stan Bull said...

Dyckerson, apart from being caught in bed with a troupe of gender bender dwarves (and Rio de Janeiro is definitely NOT on your campaign schedule)nothing could now stop your flaccid stagger to the presidency.

That Russkie poon is almost certainly a lesbian given that she hasn't made indecent proposals to you an' all, Dyckerson. Where does the campaign stand on Lesbians?

Sassy Blondie said...

Stay away from that, Dyckie! She's probably got the rotten crotch! You know what those Russian chicks have to do to get a visa out of their country....

Beth said...

good going dyck!! that's showing her!

BUMBLE!!! said...

Maybe you should be doing more to experience Eastern European diversity in your life.

Besides, it's not like you have to mail her over here before you get to find out exactly what she's all about, and even then, you'd be able to hold the green card over her head.

and when she gets out of line, you can just force her to watch the end of Miracle over and over again as you flip her off to the tune of "we kicked your asses in the cold war and at hockey!!"

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Diva - Wow, that bitch must be FAT...especially considering you're a MECHANIC!! (Get it? She's so fat, she can't fit through a GARAGE DOOR!!)

Stan - I don't care if she's lesbian. Religion has nothing to do with it.

Sassy - Rotten crotch, eh? Perhaps you should cup that crotch and find out for me! ;)

Christie said...

You just may be a person I'd hang out with. I swear like there's no tomorrow in the car and use my horn way too much.

Jake Titus said...

Chronic maybe. . . Habitual is a bit over the top.

Inchy said...

Being British I cannot officially support your aggressive posturing, but as I'm actually Scottish, I can throw my support behind your brave stance against the army of darkness that is Communism.

keep fighting the good fight, brother.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You just sat there and DIDN'T flip her another bird? You going soft?

Krissyface said...

I kind of wonder now if you've ruined your chances to have sex with her. But being that she's russian, it probably made you more attractive to her, the finger and all. She's probably masturbating in her cube now thinking up some kinky "Wargames" scenario...

UBERMOUTH said...

Your chances of scoring anything else? O

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