2/12/2008

Fucked By A Gecko

Operator: Geico Insurance. How may I screw you today?
Dyck: Yo bitch, I'd like to have my ass raped brutally by one of your representatives.
Operator: Absolutely, I'd be happy to pound you in the ass. What seems to be the problem?
Dyck: A rock hit my fucking windshield and cracked it.
Operator: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you OK?
Dyck: So far, yes. But that may change once you start shucking my cornhole.
Operator: Indeed, your cornhole will be shucked royally.
Dyck: Thank you for your honesty.
Operator: Of course! Besides, it's not like you can do anything about it. We're a giant insurance company and you're nobody. Best to just relax your sphinctor and take your ass raping like a man.
Dyck: I guess this means you won't be paying for my windshield then.
Operator: Oh, I highly doubt it. How big is the crack in relation to a one dollar bill?
Dyck: All I have is a twenty.
Operator: You won't have it for long, pal.
Dyck: Well the crack is about as long as 17 bills laid end to end.
Operator: That's a big crack!
Dyck: Almost as big as yo mama's.
Operator: Ha ha, well played! Hold on a sec while I pretend to type some numbers on my keyboard...Nope, we can't help you. Your deductible is too high. You'll end up paying for the whole thing out of pocket. You might want to lower it.
Dyck: Then you'll just raise my premiums.
Operator: Yep, that we will! We'll rape you one way or another!
Dyck: OK, how about I lower my deductible to zero, then call tomorrow and file the claim, and then call the next day and raise my deductible again?
Operator: Our team of highly paid attorney weasels will nail your ass with insurance fraud.
Dyck: How do you sleep at night?
Operator: On a sack filled with cash sent in my schmucks like yourself.
Dyck: Lemme see if I've got this right. Customers send you money every month...
Opeator: Yes...
Dyck: And you're supposed to pool all that money into an account...
Operator: Keep going...
Dyck: So you can reimburse people when they have accidents.
Operator: Whoa, that's where you're wrong. We do take your money, but we never give it back.
Dyck: That's quite a scam you've got going there.
Operator: Yes, we're very proud of it. Now I'd be happy to refer you to a glass repair shop that gives our customers a special discount. Of course, they jack up the price before they give you the discount.
Dyck: Have you no shame?
Operator: Nope! They'll poke your pooter real good! They also repair sweaters.
Dyck: Sounds like I'll need an ASS repair shop. Thanks a lot for your time.
Operator: Oh believe me, it was nothing. Call again anytime. We have operators standing by 24 hours a day to fuck your buttocks.


This post brought to you in part by:
Raping asses across America since 1936.


25 comments:

Jake Titus said...

Hey, it had to take a lot of money to teach that little lizard to talk. He even speaks proper english. Do your part and fork out the cash. It's not always about you Dyck.

Aza said...

Are they hiring? Sounds like my kinda company!

sputnick said...

Would this happen to be the exact same insurance company which gives its employees bowling outings and conference room parties in lieu of real cash?

puerileuwaite said...

Why not save money altogether by replacing it yourself? I hear it's SO easy, a Caveman could do it!

Bina said...

Ha Ha Ha! What you said on Beth's blog!

Stan Bull said...

Those bastards certainly got you by the balls, Mr Dyckerson. Insurance companies are widely acknowledged to be one of the world's greatest scourges but are less well known (at least, in England) for participating in the ritual buggery of their customers. If insurance company-mandated ass rape is to end, America will need a real Dyck in the White House....

ADW said...

It seems I had a similar converation with my DSL provider. Although it is quite difficult to understand them when they are speaking Swahili. I amnow motivated to learn curse words in as many languages as possible.

rantingdiva said...

Did they at least use KY or vaseline or something or did they just dryfuck your pitiful ass?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jake - Why should I give that slimy lizard any of my cash? He already has a green back. (Get it? Lizard? Greenback??)

Aza - Could be. How are your ass raping skills?

Spitnuck - Close, but no cigar. ;)

P - I tried replacing it with a layer of Saran Wrap, but it blew off. And they claim that shit sticks to everything?? Liars!!

Bina - Who's Beth?

Stan - Amen to that. When I am elected, my first item of business will be to eliminate all insurance companies...just as soon as I get my tummy tuck done. (I hope Blue Cross will pay for that.)

ADW - You're still alive??!

Diva - It was a dry fuck. But fortunately I just had the squirts, so my sphinctor was well lubed.

The Middle Lifer said...

Warren Buffet has that little slimy thing in his pocket. He rubs it when it gets dry.....wonder why he is a billionaire eh?

Sassy Blondie said...

I can't decide which company makes the top of my list of America's Biggest Bastards: Is it a) AT&T b)Allstate c)IRS

Sorry you got a crack, sweet pea! ;)

Jake Titus said...

Yeah, your right. He's givin' you the green dick. Fuck Him! Insurance reform might be a great campaign platform.

BUMBLE!!! said...

At least you can understand them. that's better than the phone people with dell computers.

Pud said...

I don't even know why we have insurance at all. We always have to pay for everything anyway. So let's eliminate the middle man and just pay for our jacked up cars ourselves.

Beth said...

bend over and brace yourself dyck....

~ Stacy ~ said...

Awww, what a cute little lizard!

Bummer deal on the crack, Mr. Dyckerson.

One year, I went through 5 windshields and nearly a thousand bucks. I was beginning to think that I was a rock magnet. (Shut up!)

Auto insurance companies suck big bananas!

Was that helpful?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - What a coincidence! I have something in my pants that I rub on occasion!

Sassy - Don't forget Microsoft!

Bumble - Dude, did you get a Dell??

Pud - Amen to that! Now show me your ta-tas.

Beth - Thank God you're here! I need some guidance from a woman with experience in this area.

Stacy - Five windshields?? You must've driven that forklift like a mofo!

marky said...

You're a potential client! I sell AARP! Ass and Anal Rape Policies. Next time your port is pounded call me, make your claim, and you'll find me deep into your ascending colon living large.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This story needs the headline that is on the b**g below: "A Dyck in Every Pot"

Wirthy said...

Yeah, their much different than all the other insurance companies who are always courteous, helpful and polite.

UBERMOUTH said...

wow! I hope you don't make a living off of kids birthday parties.
THIS is why I am afraid of clowns!
:)

Stan Bull said...

ubermouth,
You need have no fear on that count. I can confirm that Dyck no longer has dealings with children. It's for the best given that he now has a presidential bid at play....

Ann Nonymous said...

This exact thing happened to me and I have never healed. Instead of a rock being hurled through the windshield, a door from a truck flew off and into my windshield. Geico told me that was an act of god and they don't cover that. Ummm...depending on who you ask, isn't everything an act of god?

Nutters.

I paid 200 bucks to replace it.

At least you got some so close to VD Day and at least they have money, even if they are miserly. That means they used the high quality videotape to capture your phone call for later ass raping session training.

Willo Keays said...

I'm so sorry for the crack in your "windshield". But I can't stop laughing - this is one of your funnier posts.

MsPuddin said...

why are you green and the operator is red?