2/27/2008

Label Access

Last night I was walking home from Bible study* when a lovely young woman walked up to me and said, "Mighty Dyckerson, I'm a huge fan of your blog! I love to read through your archives, but I wish there was a way to sort your posts by topic!"

Then it hit me like a sack of wet pork rinds: Blogger has a "label" feature that allows bloggers like myself to label their blog posts according to subject matter!

I tossed my Bible** in a nearby dumpster and turned to that lovely woman. "Miss, you are absolutely right," I told her. "I will get on that right away! And please, call me Dyckie."

"That's awesome, Dyckie!" she exclaimed. "Say, would you mind autographing my ample breasts?"

"It would be my pleasure," I replied. "Please expose them at this time."

I'll spare you the details of the rest of our steamy encounter, but suffice it to say poon was involved. The point is, The Mighty Blog now has labels! The staff of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide has spent countless hours combing through nearly three years of classic Mighty Blog literature, designating each and every post with a category label. You, the reader, may access these writings by simply clicking on the appropriate label in the sidebar!

For example, let's say you want to read about my excrement. Just scroll down the sidebar and click the link entitled Fecal Matters. You'll find out everything you need to know about my bowel movements dating back to June 2005. Or perhaps you'd like to read more about my run for the presidency. Well you're in luck, Pepe! There's a link for that as well!

Of course, trying to summarize my thoughts into a single, solitary category. I often cover a wide spectrum of topics in one post. Take this one, for instance. Clearly this goes under the heading of blogging...but wait a minute, there is also a brief mention of poon. What to do??! Well fortunately, the good people at Blogger have thought of everything. It is possible for ONE POST to have MORE THAN ONE LABEL! THINK OF THE IMPLICATIONS!!!

Now this is still a work in progress, so be sure to check back every day for new category labels! This way, I can keep repackaging the same crap over and over again for years! I'll never have to write another goddamn post again!!! So long, suckers!!!





* OK, it was a strip club.


** OK, it was a bottle of scotch.

2/22/2008

More Deadbeat Bloggers

For some reason, bloggers have been dropping like flies lately. Blogs that were recently teeming with activity now lay dormant, collecting dust and gathering cobwebs. Are these people dead?? Could this be the work of some deranged serial killer intent on destroying the Mighty Blog Network?? I plan to conduct a half-assed but full-fledged investigation, and I won't rest until I have answers! In the meantime, say sayonara to these lazy cocksuckers whose links you will no longer find in my sidebar.....


Assclownopolis - TFG mysteriously disappeared from the blogging community with an anticipatory post predicting an evening of "nookie," as he called it. Well that bastard must've had one hell of a night, because he hasn't been heard from since. What on earth could have happened to cause such an abrupt departure? Did contract some deadly disease from a $5 whore? The world may never know.

Confessions of a Bottle Blonde - I used to enjoy perusing this blog and drooling over its lovely author's bodacious ta-tas...that is, til the bitch went and made her blog private. Apparently you now need an invitation to look at her tits. Well LISTEN UP, woman! I am MIGHTY FUCKING DYCKERSON, and I don't need an invitation to look at knockers! I can go to Pudwhipped's blog and look at her funbags any damn time I want to!

Mephitic Nirvana - I don't even know how this piece of shit got on here to begin with. This chick was placed on probation (along with TFG) back in December. You have violated the terms of your probation, and now you are gone. Good riddance to you and your oddly titled blog!!!

Mr. Maestro - This bum took a one-month hiatus last fall...then returned only long enough to make a few lame Carrot Top jokes...then disappeared for another three months and counting. Maybe he thinks he's better than us because he's on Wordpress. Well let me tell you something, moron: Here on Blogger, you're actually expected to POST SOMETHING once in a while!! Now don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Robot Zombie Vampire - McFatty, author of the long gone Blog Portland, made a feeble attempt at a comeback with this pathetic excuse for a blog. We all hoped he would return to his former glory, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Instead, we are left with the domestic ramblings of his alcholic wife and mother of his seven at-risk children, Ms. McFatty.

Stop the Barking Dogs - This jackass changes URLs more often then I change my shorts. Every time he leaves, he vaguely implies that he's gone for good...but then he resurfaces with a new name and a new blog title. What the fuck, dude? Are the cops after you??! Get the fuck out of here and stop cluttering up my sidebar!


Of course, this means I have a few vacancies. And to fill one of those vacancies, I'd like you to join me in welcoming a new entry into the exclusive Mighty Blog Network: Cat Scratch Diva! I know virtually nothing about this blog, and it will probably be gone in two weeks, but the bitch begged to be added to the list, so I figured what the hell? Read it. Don't read it. Makes no difference to me.

Now before I go, I'd like to address those of you who continue to blog, but somehow don't feel the need to comment on the blogs of others...namely MINE. That's just bad blogging etiquette, and it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED here in the Mighty Blog Network. What's that? You say you're too busy??! Well LISTEN HERE, you little SHIT STAIN. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - is busier than Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson!!! Not only am I President and CEO of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide, I also happen to be running for PRESIDENT of THESE HERE UNITED STATES!!! So SUCK IT!!!!!


2/17/2008

The RETURN of Miracle Ass!!!

First, a quick update on my cracked windshield. Last Thursday, the Safe-Lite Glass Co. sent a flunkie to my office to restore DyckMobile I to its former glory. It is now crack-free and as good as new. And for those of you keeping score, I was ass raped for a whopping $212.00 cash. I hope it was good for them, 'cause it sure as hell wasn't good for me.

Now I'd like to shift gears and talk about a crack of a different color. I'm talking, of course, about the one and only MIRACLE ASS!!!* Sightings of this magnificent specimen have been rather rare of late. But last week I managed to capture what may be the MOST VIVID PHOTO YET of this most bodacious of booties. And now, without further ado, it's time to unveil the newest Miracle Ass photo! BEHOLD!!



Oops, that's the wrong ass. How'd that get in there?? Ah, here it is! The one.....the only.....MIRACLE ASS!!!




Not only is this the clearest, brightest picture to date...but if you closely at the lower right quadrant of the picture, you'll see none other than BARE SKIN!! Yes, much of the ass is obscured by the seat of the chair and the white garment draped on its backside, but the part of the ass that is visible is also practically NAKED!!! Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you: Is that an ass or is that an ASS??! WOWEEEEEE!!!

And do NOT even get me started on that outfit! Note the tight low-rise jeans...the equally tight pink t-shirt-like item hugging (most) of her upper torso...and the unbuttoned sweater object providing virtually NO coverage whatsoever!!! Put it all together, and you've got a woman who is clearly ready for SERIOUS POON ACTIVITY! And Dyckerson is just the man to give her some!!

Of course, I cannot rush into this. I must proceed with utmost caution, for any wrong moves could destroy my chances of acquiring the Miracle Ass. Once again, I must call upon my faithful readers for guidance. What is my best strategy for obtaining the elusive M.A.?? Speak now!! Time is of the essence!!!


* You may read more about MIRACLE ASS here and here.


2/12/2008

Fucked By A Gecko

Operator: Geico Insurance. How may I screw you today?
Dyck: Yo bitch, I'd like to have my ass raped brutally by one of your representatives.
Operator: Absolutely, I'd be happy to pound you in the ass. What seems to be the problem?
Dyck: A rock hit my fucking windshield and cracked it.
Operator: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you OK?
Dyck: So far, yes. But that may change once you start shucking my cornhole.
Operator: Indeed, your cornhole will be shucked royally.
Dyck: Thank you for your honesty.
Operator: Of course! Besides, it's not like you can do anything about it. We're a giant insurance company and you're nobody. Best to just relax your sphinctor and take your ass raping like a man.
Dyck: I guess this means you won't be paying for my windshield then.
Operator: Oh, I highly doubt it. How big is the crack in relation to a one dollar bill?
Dyck: All I have is a twenty.
Operator: You won't have it for long, pal.
Dyck: Well the crack is about as long as 17 bills laid end to end.
Operator: That's a big crack!
Dyck: Almost as big as yo mama's.
Operator: Ha ha, well played! Hold on a sec while I pretend to type some numbers on my keyboard...Nope, we can't help you. Your deductible is too high. You'll end up paying for the whole thing out of pocket. You might want to lower it.
Dyck: Then you'll just raise my premiums.
Operator: Yep, that we will! We'll rape you one way or another!
Dyck: OK, how about I lower my deductible to zero, then call tomorrow and file the claim, and then call the next day and raise my deductible again?
Operator: Our team of highly paid attorney weasels will nail your ass with insurance fraud.
Dyck: How do you sleep at night?
Operator: On a sack filled with cash sent in my schmucks like yourself.
Dyck: Lemme see if I've got this right. Customers send you money every month...
Opeator: Yes...
Dyck: And you're supposed to pool all that money into an account...
Operator: Keep going...
Dyck: So you can reimburse people when they have accidents.
Operator: Whoa, that's where you're wrong. We do take your money, but we never give it back.
Dyck: That's quite a scam you've got going there.
Operator: Yes, we're very proud of it. Now I'd be happy to refer you to a glass repair shop that gives our customers a special discount. Of course, they jack up the price before they give you the discount.
Dyck: Have you no shame?
Operator: Nope! They'll poke your pooter real good! They also repair sweaters.
Dyck: Sounds like I'll need an ASS repair shop. Thanks a lot for your time.
Operator: Oh believe me, it was nothing. Call again anytime. We have operators standing by 24 hours a day to fuck your buttocks.


This post brought to you in part by:
Raping asses across America since 1936.


2/06/2008

A Dyck In Every Pot

The time has come for me to rejuvenate my campaign for president! I know I have been absent from all the primaries and debates and what not, but there is good reason for that. You see, I've been strategically planning for the exact right moment to resurface. And now that the other candidates are dropping like flies, that moment has arrived! So dust off your "I LICK DYCK" buttons and fasten your seatbelts, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride to the White House!!!


Now before I begin the heavy campaigning, I need to set the record straight on a few issues. First off, I have taken a lot of flack for my a recent interview with Jugs magazine in which I was quoted as saying I was in favor of ethnic cleansing. Yes, it is true. I did say that. I just don't see what the big controversy is. I don't care what country you're from or what your religious beliefs may be...TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER!!!

Then there was the whole sex scandal involving me and a certain other blogger. I wish to state categorically and undeniably, I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN, SASSY BLONDIE. Believe me, it wasn't for lack of trying. I have attempted to seduce her with romantic gifts and authentic Italian cuisine, but I never got past first base. Hell, I never even got out of the dugout. This chick is hard to please!

While we're on the subject, I want to come clean regarding my oral intercourse with homersexual blogger Cherry Ride. It only happened once, and it meant nothing to me...and more importantly, I DID NOT SWALLOW. Okay, I may have gargled for a few seconds, but that doesn't count!!!

And finally, a brief comment about the foot tapping incident in the airport men's room. I wasn't trying to solicit sex. I was only squashing a bug. I know I shouldn't have pleaded guilty to the sex charges, but I didn't want PETA on my back for being an insect killer. I JUST CAN'T WIN!!!

This just in...I have just been handed a note by my Secretary of International Affairs, Mr. Stan Bull. Looks like a Wikipedia entry about ethnic cleansing. Hmm...let's see here...wow, that sucks...geez...holy shit! Boy, I was way off base on that one! Okay, I am officially reversing my position on the ethnic cleansing. My bad!!!



2/02/2008

Party Time!

I.T. geeks sure know how to party. I learned this fact recently at my company's first (and hopefully last) annual employee appreciation luncheon. This is management's way of rewarding us for our hard work in lieu of actually giving us cash. We give them a third of our lives, they give us two slices of cold pizza and a styrofoam cup filled with flat soda. Yeah, that seems about right.

The festivities took place Thursday at noon in conference room 8...because everyone knows when it comes to parties, conference room 8 is where it's at. It comes fully equipped with tables, chairs, a speaker phone, and a white board - everything you need to get your freak on. And did we ever! Man, we rocked that place for ONE WHOLE HOUR before returning to our cubicles in an orderly fashion to continue working on our deliverables.

Wireless Willy got the party started by whipping out his smart phone and checking the weather forecast. Sunny and cool, with a chance of evening showers. Way to go, Willy! You rock!! Meanwhile, Finicky Fred was busy removing undesirable toppings from his pizza and carefully placing them on his napkin. Homeboy got some mad mushroom pickin' skillz, yo!!

Next, it was time for Conspicuous Consumption Carl to take the floor. (We call him "CC to the C.") He had us all riveted with his story about moving his 50 inch plasma screen to his bedroom to make room for a 65 inch DLP projector in his den. But then Waldo the One-Upper shook things up when he revealed plans to install a 70 inch mega screen in his living room. CC to the C was not at all pleased, and for a moment, it looked like a fight might break out. But thankfully, Rotundra the morbidly obese security officer was standing by with her incident report forms. Big mama be keepin' the peace in da hood!!

Just when we thought things couldn't get more exciting, Joystick Johnny took the tech talk in a whole new direction when he started describing in great detail how he rigged his X-Box to rip copies of his favorite DVDs. Everything from soldering motherboards to installing new chipsets - that mofo be pimpin' it old school!!

By now, the ladies were starting to loosen up. Lemon Lime Linda started tossing back shots of Diet Sprite while Domestic Darlene was slam dunking paper plates in the trash can and wiping the pizza oil off the tables. Bitch knows how to work a paper towel! You go, girl!!

Seems like the action was just getting hot when our hour was up. My how time flies! It was such a shame to see the hilarious hijinks come to a halt. This was undoubtedly one of those legendary parties we'll be texting our grandkids about someday.

Please shoot me.