1/13/2008

Sweater Inequity

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. A few weeks ago, I went shopping for fucking sweaters to add to my fucking wardrobe. I ended up purchasing three fucking sweaters from fucking Macy's. Little did I know one of my fucking sweaters had a fucking hole in it. Here is a fucking picture of my fucking sweaters:



I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Sweater number A is my favorite, and it's A-OK. No holes whatsoever, except of course for the required holes for my head, arms, and torso. I wore that one two weeks ago, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Sweater number B is also quite nice. Again, no holes except for the requisite head/arm/torso openings. I wore that fucker last week, and it gave me great pleasure. But sweater number C is a different story altogether. Look more closely:



I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Did you see it? Right on the fucking seam where the fucking shoulder meets the fucking arms. That's a high visibility area, my friends. Unacceptable. If the hole in my fucking sweater had been in the armpit region, I probably wouldn't be that fucking upset. Because hey, who really sees the armpit region of a fucking sweater? NOBODY...unless you walk around all day with your fucking arms in the air. In which case, you've got bigger problems than just a hole in your fucking sweater.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Whatever happened to a little thing called craftsmanship?? Does anybody take any fucking pride in their fucking work anymore? I went to fucking Macy's specifically so I could reduce the odds of my buying a sweater with a fucking hole in it. But I guess they're too busy planning lameass holiday parades to worry about fucking quality control.*

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. No, I do not have any fucking moths in my closet. Don't even go there, girlfriend. Why would a moth eat only one fucking sweater - along the seam - and leave my other fucking sweaters intact? Besides, if I had a moth in my closet, wouldn't I see moth droppings everywhere? Trust me, the only feces in my fucking closet is human.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Am I supposed to inspect every fucking garment now before I buy it? I fucking hate shopping enough as it is. I don't like looking at clothes in the fucking store because I can never get the fucking things folded the way they were before. Maybe that's why clothes are so fucking expensive - they all have to be folded by fucking origami masters.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I didn't save the receipt, so I'm fucking screwed. That's thirty fucking dollars right down the fucking drain. I tried to fix the hole in my fucking sweater by poking at it with a fucking stick, but I just made the fucking thing worse.


I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I swear I think it has gotten bigger since I started writing this fucking post. Soon there will be no fucking sweater left. If left unchecked, the hole may start to engulf my other two fucking sweaters. When will it end?? Perhaps the hole in my fucking sweater is actually a vortex leading to another dimension - a dimension filled with hole-free sweaters.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. I suppose if I had two heads, it would be a Godsend. I could just enlarge the second fucking hole and stick my second fucking head through it. But alas, I was born with only one fucking head. And that head is telling me that my sweater fucking sucks.

I have a hole in my fucking sweater. Do any of you fucking idiots know how to repair the hole in my fucking sweater?? If so, speak now or forever hold your fucking peace. Otherwise I'm going to take my fucking sweater back to Macy's, stand in middle of the fucking store, and light it with a fucking match while singing three choruses of fucking Kumbaya.


* I wrote this fucking post before Christmas. So sue me.



41 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

That fucking hole is pretty fucking big! I can't believe you didn't notice it when you were looking at buying the fucking sweater! What the fuck?

marky said...

maybe i WILL sue you. i count 64 cocksucking 'fuck's in this one cocksucking post. that may be a new cocksucking record. Don't sweat the cocksucking small stuff dude.
guess what? the textile mills in the USA closed down awhile ago. The fucking asians don't care about quality. Have a cocksucking asian repair it or something.

marky said...

Damn, i almost forgot...better have those sweaters checked for lead and arsenic dude.

Nancy said...

Quit buying cheap fucking sweaters and you won't find any fucking holes in them.

I am sure your local dry cleaner can repair that for you ... or just throw the fucking thing out.

Nancy said...

P.S. Rolling the sleeve cuff up? Ummm, only cute on little boy's sweaters *wink*

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

It's a rare blogger that can make a hole in a sweater that funny. Well done, sir.

Dhor said...

That's what you get for shopping at Macy's and not Walmart. MACY'S??? We don't have those on this side of the trax.

And ya know, Walmart will take stuff back even without a reciept. So there.

Btw 1992 also called and would like it's "B" sweater back too. Maybe that's why it has holes. It's old stock that they're trying to turn over agian.

Stan!! said...

In Gullah, as Dyckerson is surely aware, “Kumbaya" means "Come by here", so the lyric could be translated as "Come by here, my lord, come by here”. I believe this hymn was sung at the wedding of Felicity Dyckerson-Dyckerson to the Rev. Ewen Dyckerson in 1911. But I might be wrong on the date.

IMHO,“Jesus Is Just Alright With Me” by the Doobie Brothers is by far a superior hymn to the Kumbaya crap.It never fails to bring tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.

Capt Bonez said...

"number A" "number B" and "number C"

in my world "A, B, and C" are letters.

I'm sure the secretary must have transcribed that wrong.

Beth said...

SWEATERS?!?!?!!? who are you???? BILL COSBY?!!! those sweaters belong back in the 80's....

Effortlessly Average said...

Dude, I dunno. Based on the size of the hole and what I see poking out of it in that picture, I'm not convinced you haven't been wearing it as a butt curtain during HOA meetings. I mean, we all know how they like to screw you.

Divalicious said...

Those damned sweatshop assholes knew that you were gonna go buy that sweater in particular and due to it, decided to leave a fucking hole right in the fucking seam.

Sorry, pal. I vote you definitely torch it in the middle of Macys.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

When you say you bought them at Macy's, did you mean you bought them at Macy's in 1988?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy - Well excuse me for thinking I could purchase a quality garment from a reputable store without having to check for holes!

Marky - Good point. I'll take it to a chinese restaurant. Maybe they'll throw in an egg roll or three.

Nancy - I'll roll up the sleeves on my fucking sweater any time I fucking want to! Now mind your own fucking bees wax!

Dr. K. - Thank you, kind sir. I'm glad someone around here appreciates my gift for comedy.

HOR - What the fuck is a "B" sweater? Is that something you wear in the ghetto??

Stan - Your knowledge of obscure song titles is quite impressive.

Boner - A, B, and C could be numbers. Did you ever take an algebra class in that reform school you went to?

Beth - Oh, go back to your blog and try to figure out where your hymen went.

Eff - Nah. I always wear a chastity thong at HOA meetings.

Diva - You may be on to something. I blame that Kathie Lee bitch.

Cherry - Sorry, I don't wear pastel colored turtlenecks like yourself.

Christie said...

Just so you know, those sweaters are all ugly. I think my dad had some like that in the 80's or 90's. Go to Banana Republic, man.

BTW, people don't even make clothes anymore. Huge machines mass produce them. Or they send them to some third world country where a 6 year old is making 5 cents an hour. Those youngens don't know shit about quality.

RevRee said...

Dyckerson, I hate to be the one to tell you this, being your ex-internets wife and all...but sweaters are so 1996....I'm just sayin...

Capt Bonez said...

um, Mr. Dyckerson remembering back to my early reform school days in algebra 101 I recall that letters represent numbers, they are shall we say a "placeholder" for the number that belongs there.

Again if I was you I'd blame it on the secretary.

Tight lines,
Bonez

BUMBLE!!! said...

I'd tell Macy's to make a fucking friend to make up for the fucking hole in your shirt. Either that or you'll blog horribly about them for the next 2 months.

That should at least get you a new sweater.

Pud said...

I think that hole is a godsend. That sweater is ugly. Go out and buy a new, better looking, hole-free sweater.

puerileuwaite said...

I'd take it back to Macy's and see what they can do. Since that sweater appears to be one-of-a-kind, they may not be able to replace it. But maybe they'll give you some coupons for "General Foods International Coffees", Duraflame logs and skiing lessons.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bride of McFatty - They should've taken out both ovaries.

RevRee - I liked you better when you were in pieces.

Capt Boner - If a=3 and b=4, then c your way off my blog!

Bamble - Fuck Macy's. I'm buying the rest of my clothes at Goodwill.

Pud - This is why the Iraqis hate you.

P - If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were mocking me. It's a good thing I don't know any better.

sputnick said...

Too bad you didn't post it right away after writing it, I'm SURE this would have nailed the top spot in your Posts of the Year segement. As it is, we already have a strong contendor for POTY '08.

The Middle Lifer said...

Amazing, you got the words stick, fuck, and hole, in the same sentence and no one realized the metaphoric usefulness of that statement? A fucking genius!

Kadonkadonk said...

Dude, Dr. Noisewater said a-hole.

Willo Keays said...

Ummm ... did you trying sewing the hole closed?

Samantha_K said...

First, the sweater is ugly. No big loss. However, since the hole is at the seam, it's easy to sew.

Not a seamstress? That's ok! Find a nice grandma-ish looking lady on the street to do it for you.

Or hand it to that homeless guy over there.

Ha! Made you look.

Aza said...

You get what you fucking pay for so stop making clothing purchases with food stamps off of eBay and telling everyone it's Macy's!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Spitnuck - Dyckerson is always striving to improve his craft. I would like to think that my best work is still ahead of me.

Lifer - Thank you for noticing. My complex literary devices tend to get lost on simple minds.

Kadinkadunk - Indeed he did.

Willo - What do I look like? A woman??!

Sam - You know what else is ugly? YOU! YOU'RE ugly!! HA!! Got you there, didn't I? (Seriously though, you're kinda hot. How's about calling me sometime?)

Aza - I didn't use food stamps. I paid with three gold doubloons.

Robot Zombie Vampire said...

I guess we can now add "bad dresser" to your list of overwhelming qualities.

Crunchy BC said...

Were there any holes in the Jordache jeans you bought to go with those sweaters?

UBERMOUTH said...

What a sexy post!
However! It's not the hole you have to worry about- there are fucking appendages coming out of that hole!
P. S What did you expect for 30 dollars? I am surprised the hole came with a sweater!

Patti said...

Makes me miss the days of child labor. Those little bastards took pride in their work goddammit! I mean sure, it was because if they didn't the government would kill their parents and eat their puppies but still....if that's what we have to do to get holeless sweaters I'm willing to make the sacrifice...you know, now that I'm not a kid anymore.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - Your wife picked them out for me.

CBC - Please. I'm a Wrangler man.

Uber - It was MARKED DOWN 50%. That means it originally cost...um...like $50 or something.

Patti - Show me your hole!

karla said...

Do you really expect us to believe you shopt at Macy's? I think you're getting Macy's confused with the smelly Dollar General Store you REALLY bought those crappy dad-sweaters at.

BottleBlonde said...

Listen, until you start bleeding from your vagina like on OJ Simpson victim once a month, I don't want to hear any whining about your fucking sweater!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Sorry, I'm not familiar with Dollar General. Is that where you purchase your ineffective contraceptives?

Bottle - You women are such babies. Next time Aunt Flo pays a visit, stick a plug in your twat and walk it off.

~ Stacy ~ said...

This fucking post gave me a fucking headache.

Oh, and Sweater B is fucking Brian fucking Boitano gay. What the fuck is wrong with you? You totally need to get married and let your wife pick out your clothes.

I hear Richard Simmons is single and totally fucking available.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Sweater A, however, is totally fucking hot.

...hence the term 'sweat-er', I suppose.

fairlane said...

"Jordache Jeans." Holy fucking shit. That's fucking classic.

And high top Reeboks with velcro?

At least it wasn't a condom that had the hole.

Anonymous said...

If you wear big sweaters, you are probably a big man. Now, if you wear ugly sweaters...

Am I right or am I right?

elizadoohicky said...

cunt believe the stick-poke didn't work...

...you crack my shit up like the natural split found in the center of most human asses...

new fan am I