1/17/2008

Blood, Sweater, and Tears

I had a hole in my fucking sweater...but now that hole is GONE! I took my prized winter garment to three separate dry cleaners in hopes of getting it repaired, but they all laughed at me. They said it couldn't be done. Well those chinks never set foot inside GEORGE'S ALTERATIONS!

I had almost given up hope on my beautiful knit sweater. I was ready to shove it in a paper sack along with my soiled undies and donate it to Badwill. But then I saw that neon sign glowing in the twilight sky, beckoning me from afar. "GEO ALTER IONS," the sign read. (Those fucking neon lights never work properly.) I slammed on the brakes, made an illegal U-turn, and swerved into the parking lot, killing two innocent pedestrians in the process.

It was pouring down rain, but luckily there was an empty handicrapped space right in front of the door. While I am not physically handicapped, I did consider myself emotionally handicapped by the anguish brought forth by my mangled pullover. So I pulled into the parking space, grabbed my garment, and went inside.

The old bat behind the counter was a hundred years old if she was a day. Even worse, she barely spoke a word of English. This made communication rather difficult, but I shall do my best to transcribe the conversation that transpired.....

Dyck: Yo bitch, I got myself a sweater emergency here.
Lady: Eh?
Dyck: My sweater has a hole in it.
Lady: Eh?
Dyck: VOUS FIXEZ LE HOLE-O DONNEZ MOI SWEATER-O, POUR FAVOR!
Lady: Holy shit, that's an ugly sweater.

She tossed my sweater aside like one of Ms. Babble's unplanned babies and told me to come back tomorrow. So I headed back out, tripped over a handicrapped guy crawling across the parking lot, and went home.

>>>>>FAST FORWARD 24 HOURS>>>>>


It had been a full day since I left my precious sweater in the hands of George's Alterations. I was quite anxious to see if they had been able to salvage it. The rain had stopped by now, so I just parked by the curb in front of the fire hydrant and went inside.....

Dyck: Yo bitch, where's my sweater?
Lady: Eh?
Dyck: The sweater I left here yesterday. Where is it?
Lady: Eh?
Dyck: ME GIVE YOU EL SWEATER-O. YOU FIXEZ DE LA HOLE-O.
Lady: Oh yeah, you're the loser with the hideous sweater. It's right here.

Friends, what I saw next was nothing short of amazing. It was like that hole never even existed! I couldn't even tell where it was! I immediately fell to my knees, held up my newly mended garment, and wept tears of joy. An hour went by before I was able to regain my composure.

Dyck: Yo bitch, what do I owe you?
Lady: For you, no charge.
Dyck: Eh?
Lady: Zilch. Nada. On the house.
Dyck: Eh?
Lady: Look, I figure any guy who wears a sweater like that could use a break. Have a nice day.

I didn't want to give the old crow a chance to change her mind, so I snatched up my beautiful sweater and got the hell out of there. When I got outside, I saw flames shooting from the roof of the day care center next door, with several firefighters standing helplessly near the Dyckmobile. As I tiptoed through the maze of dead bodies laid out on the ground by rescue workers, my sweater was illuminated by the flames piercing the night sky. It was truly a miracle.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to put on that sweater, and I will never take it off again as long as I live!


26 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

Where's my prize?More scarily- WHAT'S my prize?
Gee, now your sweater looks like all the other 33,000 mass produced ones!
Sorry to rain on your parade,but I liked it holey. It was unique.

Now show us your knickers!

Aza said...

Awww, that poor unsuspecting elderly foreign lady.

Anyway, congratulations on getting your hole plugged (and you didn’t even have to pay for it)!

puerileuwaite said...

Like bad dry cleaning, your story doesn't wash. I spotted a few inconsistencies:

1) Pedestrians are never innocent. They live to / until they get in our way;

2) The Chinese rarely give freebies. You didn't mention slipping her your egg roll as payment;

3) There was no mention of the other openings being sewn shut, as most would have charitably done with that sweater.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Uber - If you like holes, you should see my condoms.

Aza - Was it good for you?

P - The next fucker who insults my sweater is getting a knitting needle up the ass!

Kadonkadonk said...

I love knitting needles. And it's a good thing because your sweater was shiteous!!

Diva said...

I don't think it's a hideous sweater at all, Dyck.
My grandpa has one just like it.

Patti said...

There's something sexy about a man so devoted to his sweater that not even a burning building full of innocent children will keep him from doing right by it.

..

...

even if it is so hideous as to make me want to dig out my own eyeballs with the petrified foreskin of a morbidly obese leper.

Nancy said...

I know I stated your sweater was cheap and not too appealing.

Just goes to show where my taste is ... I just got a sales flier showing a fantastic deal on a sofa and love seat, BOTH for $499.99 covered in an almost exact color and pattern as your sweater!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Jeez, you're still on that fucking sweater business?? Have the comments from your last post taught you nothing?

Stan!! said...

Christ, I hope the Dyckmobile remained unscathed what with all the "fire-at-daycare-centre-tragedy" thing going on....the maimed and the dying can be so disrespectful of other peoples property.

The Middle Lifer said...

By the way, in the back of Georges is where they will charge to "fix" you up....love you long time. Grannies grand daughter speaks perfect English when her mouth is not full....

sputnick said...

Classic!!! Didn't think the sequel would top the original, which, stanza by stanza, was an achingly beautiful contribution to modern American art, but the exchanges between the characters are inimitable. It doesn't get much better than this. Hey, where's the "Print This Post" button? What about the "Spam Your Friends" button? Can't we make this stuff go viral?

Aza said...

Honestly? It would have been better if you’d have just held still, not fought the restraints and cried a little less. Bawling like a girl scout really threw the evening off.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Kadankadink - The camera doesn't do it justice. This sweater must be seen in person to fully appreciate its greatness.

Diva - What a coincidence! My grandfather was buried in this sweater!

Patti - Who said those children were innocent? I saw one of them scribbling on a chair with a crayon. He had it coming.

Nancy - You better snatch that up! At those prices, supplies won't last for long!

Cherry - Yes, those comments have taught me that YOU PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FASHION.

Stan - Fear not. The DyckMobile is steel plated.

Lifer - I wondered what that white stuff was on my sweater. I thought they just starched it for me.

Spitneck - Just wait for Part III: Sweater Balls.

Aza - I beg to differ. Siskel and Ebert called it an Oscar worthy performance.

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm not buying that you didn't have to pay in some way...but I certainly don't want to know what your "payment" to this old lady was!

marky said...

Confusion say -
Holy sweater = Lucky sweater

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Mr. Rogers called and he wants his sweater back!

UBERMOUTH said...

I AM STILL AWAITING MY PRIZE!!!
UNLESS, IT'S A HOLE- I DIDN'T GET IT!!!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Eh?

Christie said...

There is a special place in hell for you.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Time for you and that repaired sweater to go out and get some of that Saturday night beaver.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy - OK, I'll admit she asked for cash, so I gave her a wad...of something...

Marky - Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.

PP - 1982 called. He wants his joke back.

Uber - Mighty Blog affiliates are ineligible to receive prizes.

Stacy - Huh?

Bride of McFatty - Save me a seat!

Dr. K - I don't have to go out. When I'm wearing this sweater, ladies automatically flock to me. It's a real poon magnet.

Beth said...

Oh Lord help us all!!!!

karla said...

I call bullshit. No way would you be kind enough to donate something to Goodwill. You'd probably light it on fire while standing in front of a homeless, shivering man instead.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Here's to the happy moments in life.

Effortlessly Average said...

"...and I will never take it off again as long as I live!"

So your plan is to look like the dad from every '80s sitcom for the rest of your life? Gutsy move, dude.