1/05/2008

At Your Cervix!

I don't normally do this, but I have gone and made myself a New Year's resolution. In 2008, I resolve to transform The Mighty Blog from a site filled with profanity and penis jokes into a center for education, enlightenment, and vagina jokes. That's why I was elated to learn that January is both National Mentoring Month AND National Cervical Health Awareness Month.

Now some of you may argue that I am already a mentor. While it is true that I routinely use The Mighty Blog as a tool to communicate my teachings to the civilized world, I feel this just isn't enough. So in observance of National Mentoring Month (NMM), I would like to volunteer my time to mentor one of you, my loyal readers. Perhaps you are at a crossroads in your life, and you need a little direction. Or maybe you're looking for a life coach to help you achieve your goals. Whatever the case may be, Mighty Dyckerson is here to help. So I urge each of you to write a short essay (50 words or less) explaining why I should choose you as my mentee. Please do so now. I will announce the winner in an upcoming post.

Speaking of mentoring, I would like to take this opportunity to mentor each of you on the importance of cervical health awareness. I'm willing to bet many of you don't even know what a cervix is. Per Wikipedia, the world's foremost authority on female reproduction, the cervix is the lower, narrow portion of the uterus where it joins with the top end of the vagina. In other words, it's where the poon meets the womb.

The cervix is a magical place. During menstruation, it stretches open slightly to allow the endometrium to be shed. Nobody really knows what the endometrium is, but most experts agree that it is important that it be shed at least once per month. This process often causes cramping in members of the female sex, which in turn causes members of the male sex to clean out their garages.

During orgasm, the cervix convulses in order to suck jizz from the poon to the womb and increase the likelihood of pregnancy. To help explain this concept, picture a vacuum cleaner:


Study this diagram and imagine you are having heterosexual intercourse. Upon ejaculation, the floor (or penis) releases dust (or semen), which in turn gets collected by the intake port (or vagina). From there, the dust (or semen) gets drawn upward by the motor and fan (or cervix) and into the dust bag (or uterus). This is where life begins. Now I'm not exactly sure what the exhaust port is for. Maybe one of you ladies can clue me in.

So now that we know what the cervix is, why is cervical health important?? Simple. Nearly 7 out of every 10 women will die of cervical cancer this year alone.* That's why it is critical for women to get their paps smeared at least once a week. During this procedure, a doctor pries open the twat using a crowbar and jams a poon spoon inside to collect a sample of pap. A doctor then smears the pap on his tongue to see if it tastes bitter or acrid. If it does, bitch got cancer.

Of course even with insurance, weekly exams can be quite costly. But because I believe so strongly in the importance of weekly pap smearing, I routinely volunteer my pap smearing services to members of the fairer sex. Although I am not a licensed physician, I perform almost the exact same procedure as you would get in a doctor's office. Only instead of collecting a sample with a poon spoon, I use my penis. So if you are an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 25 (or a sassy blonde of any age), please contact me today for a free consultation. You'll be glad you did. I sure as hell know I will.


* Just a wild guess.


31 comments:

Stan!! said...

Might I suggest more vagina and less penis? Stick with the profanity too. Asshole.

I could really benefit from Dyck’s Mentoring services. For I need particular help in closing the gap between where I am & where I want to be. Although I am an extraordinarily well-rounded individual with a unique approach to the skinning of a wide variety of family pets, I feel that Dyck could offer me the practical skills needed in gaining the resolution of knotty (especially legal) problems. Whaddyasay, Dyckerson?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stan - That was like 70 words. How can I help you if you can't even follow simple instructions??

Krissie said...

Dammit, Dyck, I just turned 26!
I'm not even gonna bother with an essay.

Sassy Blondie said...

Stick to what you know: Dyck

;)

puerileuwaite said...

Who couldn't use your mentoring? Answered questions only result in more questions. For instance, what do the whirring and sharp fan blades represent? Also, should I opt for a model with a HEPA filter? Not to mention how often the bag should be replaced. Gee, I hope I win.

Sassy Blondie said...

Hey...you know I already won, Dyckiepoo! Stop bothering people with essays already!

And although I failed to mention it in my first comment: the vacuum was genius. This must be why you have decided to become a mentor.

Ms Smack said...

Hilarious cervix descriptions!

I'll get back you on the essay.

Tyler Durden said...

The exhaust port (or corn hole) is the place where the cool, drunk chicks let you stick your penis, finger or other inanimate objects during intercourse or cunnilingus (or eating pussy)

BottleBlonde said...

The last thing I need is to have my pap smeared by Dr. Kevorkian. Thanks but no thanks.

sputnick said...

Awesome stuff. This is why I read this blog. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would even think of comparing the female reproductive apparatus with a vacuum cleaner except Dyckerson. And the lyrical quality of it: "poon spoon". Dyck does it naturally.

About(1) the(2) mentoring,(3) yes(4) I(5) would(6) like(7) to(8) be(9) mentored(10) since(11) I(12) have(13) never(14) in(15) my(16)
entire(17) life(18) been(19) in(20) a(21) position(22) of(23) receiving(24) any(25) guidance,(26) this(27) due(28) to(29) the(31)
fact(31) that(32) the(33) human(34) race(35) is(36) composed(37) mostly(38) of(39) nincompoops(40) and(41) misguided(42) miscreants(43) less(44)
inspired(45) than(46) myself(47). Consequently(48) being(49) mentoredmightmakearefreshingchange(50).

karla said...

You're really the last person to be advising others on the health and welfare of their vaginas. Your own vagina is a filthy cesspool that you really should do some cleanup on.

Pud said...

Mentor me! I'm thinking of going to school for massage therapy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Krissie - Probably just as well. You Croats don't know English.

Ms. Blondie - But Dyck is looking to expand and branch out!

P - I'd recommend replacing your bag when it gets old and unattractive.

Ms. Blondie - I can't play favorites, sugar pie! No matter how much you suck up to me!

Ms. Smack - I'm still waiting...

Tyler - Like you would know. All of your posts are LIES.

Bot - Hey, I've never killed anybody! (At least not intentionally.) Now show me your ta-tas!

Spitnuck - Take note, people. This is how to write an essay! So far you're in the lead!

Ms. Babble - You're just jealous 'cuz my cooch is nice and tight, while yours is tired and worn from years of abuse.

Pud - Excellent! I can mentor you on happy endings!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Hah. You wrote "...The Mighty Blog as a tool" and I think you meant to write "The Mighty Blog IS a tool."


(I'm here all week, folks.)

Diva said...

To think I spent the last 22 years of my life trying to figure out how in the hell I got pregnant.

You broke that down to the level that any Jane, Jill or Jessica could understand.

Good for you Dyck!

Effortlessly Average said...

What I'd like to know is why is the intake port so close to the exhaust port on women? Is it so all available avenues are in one convenient location?

Robot Zombie Vampire said...

Like I've ever used a vacuum. Could you please re-explain the inner workings of the female genitalia for me, except this time in terms of something I can understand, like an Xbox or a power lathe?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Cherry - You're obsessed with tools, aren't you??

Diva - Actually, your pregnancy had more to do with Jack Daniels than the Hoover Deluxe.

Avg - I taint got no idea.

Vamp - Think of syncing an iPod. You transfer the music (semen) from you iTunes (testicles) to the iPod (uterus) by connecting your USB cable (penis) to the input jack (vagina).

The Middle Lifer said...

I am thinking its more like drilling for oil. Oil drill(penis) goes into the ground rotating(vagina) Strike oil, you get a little Dyck, hit just a vein, you get a small gusher. Some women do that ya know?
Sounds more like what the Xbox guy needed to understand these complex but delicate intricacies of the female anatomy. That, or just go to a zoo and watch the zebra's get it on. Should all come clear then.

Robot Zombie Vampire said...

You are the common man's scholar, Mr. Dyckerson. A king among idiots I say.

MsPuddin said...

I don’t need mentoring. I have marijuana and alcohol. But thanks anyway...

Sudiegirl said...

Dude - I wish you had taught my health class.

However, I can't look at my vacuum cleaner the same way anymore.

Diva said...

Oh crap. That's right.

Beth said...

dyck...you can check my cervix anytime you want....I suspect you're probably pretty good at it.

Kadonkadonk said...

Ageist asshole.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You are a sick puppy, and that's why I love you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lifer - Oil's well that ends well! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

McFatty - Flattery will get you everywhere!

Ms. Puddin - Is your real name Britney??

Sudie - Sucks for you. (Get it? Vacuum cleaner? Sucks??)

Beth - Hang on, let me get my scuba gear.

Onkadonkado - Well, that's less than 50 words...

Dr. Loudliquid - Please. I'm already spoken for.

Webmiztris said...

"poon spoon".....

oh lord, how I've missed you, dyck. :)

Patti said...

Thanks to Stan, I'm beginning to understand why I've had to have extensive maintenance on my exhaust port while my intake port looks brand new! Do you happen to perform exhaust paps too though?

Oh and don't even THINK about taking me out of your sidebar. I've had the holidays from hell and I'm not above taking it out on strangers of which you are by far the strangest....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Miz - You're back! Are you finally sick of playing Goo Goo Dolls covers for an audience of drunk rednecks??

Patti - Don't blame Stan for your clogged exhaust port. Lay off the cheese and try a little fiber in your diet.

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