12/02/2007

Special Delivery

Everybody knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But nobody knows this more than my good friend Sassy Blondie. Actually, she's more than just a good friend. If I have anything to do with it, she'll be the future Mrs. Dyckerson!

Yesterday I came home to find a very special package waiting for me on my doorstep. So special, in fact, that it even outranks the ONKYO TX-SR505S I received back in September. Take a look...


With great anticipation, I carefully lifted the box, made sure it wasn't ticking, and carried it into the kitchen. After placing the package on my filthy counter, I broke open the official post office seal using the same pair of scissors I had used to trim my pubes just one night before. Upon opening the box, I was greeted by a generous supply of everybody's favorite packing material, bubble wrap...


My first instinct was to pop every single one of those bubbly little fuckers, but I had bigger fish to fry. And after frying my fish, I returned to my mystery package, yanked out the bubble wrap, and unveiled my reward...


Yes, not even high-end electronics can beat a batch of DELICIOUS HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES loving baked to perfection by a SASSY BLONDE! Am I right guys??! Not only that, but check out the wrapping...


FOUR DOZEN COOKIES...each dozen sealed in its own plastic baggy by a colorful festive ribbon!! I hope the people at Chips Ahoy are reading this, because THIS is how you make chocolate chip cookies!! Not only did Ms. Blondie bake these delectable morsels JUST FOR ME, but look at this...


This woman spent nearly TEN FUCKING DOLLARS on postage alone!! I spent less than that on my first blowjob! If that isn't love, I don't know what is. The package also contained a card, which is all good and well, but I wanted those fucking cookies!!


So moist...so chewy...so packed with sassy goodness! Each mouth watering cookie personally licked by Ms. Blondie for extra sweetness! I couldn't eat just one! In fact, I couldn't eat just one dozen! That's right, I ate ALL 48 COOKIES in one sitting and washed it down with a bottle of ice cold Corona Light! As I spent the remainder of the evening puking my guts out, I kept thinking to myself, I'm going to marry that woman.


Of course, one good turn deserves another. That's why I'm going to make my sweet Sassy Blondie a pot of Grandpa Dyckerson's famous PORK RIND STEW! No need to thank me, darling. You're worth it. And not only that, but I am currently putting the finishing touches on my latest opus - a little something I like to call Ode to Sassy Blondie. The literary community is already buzzing about this poetic masterpiece, and in a couple of days, you'll be able to read it for yourself...right here, on The Mighty Blog! Stay tuned!!!


27 comments:

Stan!! said...

For reasons beyond my control, I have been away from internet access for sometime now....but it seems to me that Dyck's toilet facilities are oh so very '80s. If that last photograph is to be believed. Might I suggest that you invest some of your coin in a solid oak wood toilet seat with mahogany piano finish? Perfect for adding a touch of luxury to your bath area.
*PTL, They let me out early this time. All I wanna say is - Dyck, with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world...

The Middle Lifer said...

To have someone actually spend $9.75 on ya means, well, you must be worth more than a telemarketers entire years earnings.

But are you bulimic? Wasting those cookies like that...sad way for them to go.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyckie-First, stop embarrassing me...
Second, don't be blaming my fine baked goods on your weak ass stomach issues. You know you loved them!
Last, I really don't know what to do with something called pork rind stew...perhaps you should just save that one for yourself?

tfg said...

You might enjoy the cookies more if you put them in the other end.

Sornie said...

I have to wonder if any remaining pubes stuck to the scissors ended up stuck to the packaging tape on the box containing the cookies. Be careful in disposing hte box because someone evil could clone you and, well, just think of that.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stan - You're alive!! We thought maybe you were poisoned by a bad batch of crumpets! Reasons beyond your control, eh? So how was life in the joint??

Lifer - Yeah, Sassy's a big spender. She's gonna be my sugar mama.

Sassy - Awww, did I embarrass my sassypants?? That's so cute!! Yes, your cookies are scrumptious. And I know you'll love the pork rind stew. I'm just going to pour it directly into the box. It's better that way!

TFG - Don't be bitter just because Sassy never made you cookies.

Sornie - There's a biohazard team coming by the house tomorrow.

BUMBLE!!! said...

All things considered, a woman who bakes chocolate chip cookies is the queen. You should end it at that. Next comes the proper massage, and you're in heaven.

Willo Keays said...

Soooooooo .... cookies are the way into Dyckersons world. Note placed in stalker handbook!

BottleBlonde said...

Wow, Dyck. You must have a HUGE penis to get treatment like that.

Sassy, I have big tits. Would you send me some cookies? I put out, too.

sputnick said...

Don't fall for no boodle boy, yer a Dyckerson!

Beth said...

someone actually likes you dyckerson!!! Who woulda thunk it??!!

I ahve to admit, those cookies DO look good...the puke afterwards?..not so much.

Is that really YOU eating that cookie dyckerson? I am DYING to know what you look like!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bumble - A massage is only proper if it includes a happy ending.

Willo - Shit, I would've thought that would have been on page 1!

Bot - Define "huge."

Spitnook - Huh??

Beth - I'll never tell...

Ryan said...

Few things are more arousing than a box full of cookies.

It warms my heart to see this romance blossom in front of us.

Effortlessly Average said...

"...made sure it wasn't ticking..."

Silly demonic clown, don't you know bombs nowadays don't tick, they vibrate? Of course, a vibrating package from Sssassaaay! could mean any number of things beyond a bomb.

Sassy Blondie said...

I heard (read) that EA!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ryan - Like what? What's more arousing??

Overage - I doubt Ms. Blondie would part with any of her vibrating toys!

Sassy - I'm glad your hearing (eyesight) is still working in your old age! ;)

Sassy Blondie said...

That kind of witticism is NOT going to get you any more special deliveries, Dyckerson!

puerileuwaite said...

WTF? All I got from Sassy was two cupcakes (which I would assign an "A" grade to) and a pie. The good news? No vomiting. The bad news? It hurts when I pee.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pug, not you too?! :(

marky said...

you literally tossed yer cookies

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy - I kid, I kid! Now come give daddy a smoochie woochie!

P - What kind of pie was it? Cherry??

Marky - HA HA HA HA HA! Indeed I did! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Krissie said...

$10?! Pfff! I WISH!

karla said...

I'm going to be SO pissed at that sassy blonde chick if your next post doesn't reveal that she baked those cookies with Ex-Lax or rat poison or something to make your life miserable. I know there's no way she'd screw up a golden opportunity like that, though, is there? Please, God.

Sassy Blondie said...

Karla, although I don't lack in the sassiness department, I'm not much of an evil schemer. Perhaps next time I will consult you?

Webmiztris said...

you lucky bastard! if people would have been sending me cookies, maybe I would have kept on blogging!

Christie said...

How in the hell can you eat 48 cookies in one sitting? Seriously?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Krissie - That's $10 American money, not that Croatian crap you deal with!

Ms. Babble - How dumb do you think I am?? I gave a test cookie to one of the neighborhood children. He didn't die.

Ms. Blondie - You stay away from the crazy babbler! She's a terrible influence!

Miz - You're still alive?? Don't tell me your band broke up already. I want free tix to the reunion concert in ten years.

Ms. McFatty - They were small.