12/13/2007

Joy to the World

I fucking HATE the holidays. The endless traffic, the crowded stores, the bickering relatives, the shameless commercialism - you name it, it all SUCKS. But when a story like this comes along, it truly warms the cockles of my heart. And Lord knows my cockles could use some warming.

According to the story, some DIPSHIT REDNECK SUBURBANITE COCKSUCKER had a thousand dollars burning a hole in his pocket. He could've given it to the Christmas Motherfucker, Boys for Tits, or even the Salvation Smarmy and their BELL-RINGING ASS GOBLINS. But NOOO!!! This JACKHOLE decides to blow it all on tacky decorations for the front lawn of his shitty house. Yep, nothing says Christmas like a MATERIALISTIC ATTENTION WHORE going into debt to purchase a BREAK DANCING SANTA and a HOMERSEXUAL ELF who sings "Jingle Bells."

That's why I took great delight in reading that this douchebag's nativity obscene was vandalized not once...but TWICE!!! BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! YES, VAGINA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS!!!!!

Of course, everybody on the news was acting all sympathetic and shit: "Awww, poor guy! He was just trying to get into the holiday spirit!" BULLSHIT. He was really just trying to illuminate THE ENTIRE EASTERN SEABOARD with his 5,000 strands of ENERGY SUCKING INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULBS he got on sale last January at K-Mart. I bet his fugly eyesore of a house was visible from outer space. THIS IS WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US!!!


Then there was this story about another wacko nutjob. Seems some treacherous thug trashed his tacky trinkets too...so now all his whorenaments are rigged with TRIP WIRES, MOTION SENSORS, ALARMS, and CLOSED CIRCUIT VIDEO CAMERAS. In addition, he has a wide assortment of cheerful holiday signs like "SEASONS GREETINGS" and "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" and "KEEP OUT" and "HIGH VOLTAGE" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT." Now there's a man who understands the TRUE MEANING of Christmas!!!

Included is footage of Rambo hunkered down in his holiday command center (a.k.a. TOOL SHED), surrounded by extension cords and TV monitors and armed with a HIGH CALIBER ASSAULT RIFLE. God help any unsuspecting squirrel who wanders into his yard. The plastic Rudolph is packed with enough nitroglycerine to blow that squirrel AND his nuts to kingdom come. I can almost hear G.I. Joe shouting, "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU LITTLE COMMIE BASTARD!!!"


Finally, there's my personal favorite, the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. You don't see those much anymore. People are always amazed at how the actors can stand perfectly still in the freezing cold for so long. Well let me tell you something. When those bastards see the high beams on my four wheel drive coming at them at FULL SPEED, they get out of the way PRETTY DAMN QUICK. Last time I did it, the three wise men were trampling all over the baby Jesus to get out of the way. And the Virgin Mary?? That dame can CURSE LIKE A SAILOR!!!


Somebody pass me some figgy pudding! It's gonna be a great Christmas!!!


26 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

The Live Nativity Scene should include the live birth, if they want to pique MY interest. FIRST, bitches!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

Truly inspiring...full of holiday fun!

And no one will ever make me believe that chick was a virgin!

marky said...

Hey that's Clark Griswolds house! (Also, we here in Northwest Nowhere don't care about the Eastern Seaboard whatever that is)....PRAISE THE LORD!

Bostick said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! AHAHAHA!!!!!
You left out the cars with wreaths on the grill!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ADW said...

The outside of my house is as dark as the inside of your heart and that is just the way I like it. Stupid Stepford Cunt across the street has her house decorated so loudly that I won't be surprised when the 3 Magi and the Shepherd show up. Too bad she's not a virgin... But hey while they're there they might as well get some poon.

The Middle Lifer said...

My MAN Dyckerson, truly understands the insanity of the crap that goes on this time of year. Warms my fucking nuts knowing I ain't the only asshole that thinks these lighting, electric burning dipshits, need to get a life some other way. Please leave atleast one nimrod in my way to roll over! Only problem is, my damn wife thinks that shit is pretty? I say fuck that and the damn electric bill.

sputnick said...

Man! Nobody does Xmas like Mighty Dyckerson. He speaks for us all; what we think but dare not say, Dyckerson dishes out in a flurry of staccato obscenities. I am awed at this virtuoso performance. Thank you for making this Christmas a merry one for me.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - But they're not allowed to move, are they? The baby would have to be stillborn. Get it? STILLborn???

Ms. Blondie - Are you calling Mary a HOR??! You better pay a visit to Father Liam!

Marky - You're from the Northwest? I'll try to type more slowly for you.

Bastuck - Turn that shit off.

ADW - I like how you worked in the poon reference. I can always count on you.

Lifer - Your wife likes that shit? She better put out like a mofo - otherwise you should file for divorce.

Spotnick - Oh stop it, you're making me blush!

Sassy Blondie said...

Good idea, Dyckie! Father Liam always knows how to make me feel better...*sigh*

What a shame you don't like Christmas lights. I was going to show you my Christmas lights...

Tyler Durden said...

What? Am I the only one that does not want to suck Dyckerson's cock? I actually like the damn lights. So we spend more on electricity that some countries spend on food for their little bloated black kids. Fuck them. I would not mind a virgin standing outside in the cold with her hard jelly bean nipples pointing at me.

marky said...

Ok, you asked for it. Don Henley has a house near me. I'm going to tell him you said that.

Beth said...

scrooge

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Blondie - Why must you torture me so??

Tyler - You live in a trailer park, don't you?

Marky - I know better than that. Don lives down the street from the Sunset Grill.

Beth - Bah douchebug!

Ms Smack said...

Desperately need your advice about a clit and masturbation! Come hither. Love, Smack.

karla said...

Stop trying to make me fall in love with you by proving you hate the holidays as much as I do. In spite of this one positive characteristic you have, your 2,677 bad characteristics still keep me from being able to be in the same room with you.

The Middle Lifer said...

Why only an idiot hangs these damn things, Darwinism at its best!

http://www.ktvu.com/news/14863308/detail.html

Willo Keays said...

The annual Christmas Lights contest has my neighborhood lite up like the Vegas strip. I'd be surprised if all the lights can't be seen fro the Space Station. It makes heathens like me feel full of shame for the lack of decor. When I do put stuff up ... i lean towards the more natural displays of my pagan ancestors - celebrating Yule with live wreaths and plants.

I once got a neighborhood reprimand letter for posting handmade signs one year that read "Holidays Unplugged" and another that read "Anti-Inflatables Zone"

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Smack - I'm there!

Ms. Babble - YOU CRAZY BABBLER! I knew you loved me! Come to daddy!!!

Lifer - Now THAT'S what I call a Christmas tree ornament!

Willo - Anti-Inflatables Zone?? Come on, I know better than that. I've been in your bedroom before.

Stan!! said...

Miss Smack is back.Ho!Ho!Ho!
Dyck, I'd post a yule tide log to ya if I could. Are you out of solitary yet?

BUMBLE!!! said...

You know that you'll be burning in hell for your lack of Christmas spirit, don't you?!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm read to go nativity crashing with you any time!

Scary Monster said...

The longer me looks at yer avatar the more me done be convinced you are the Anti-Claus!

fifteen people done wished me a merry Christmas. Me stompped twelve of them. The other three were bigger than me.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stan - I'm not interested in seeing your yule log.

Bumble - Say hi to me when you get there.

Dr. Loudliquid - Why does that sound dirty when you say it?

Monster - And your avatar looks like The Grinch's illegitimate son. STUMP!

Maven said...

Wait a minute... did the live nativity scene also have a live Caganer , too?


Hot damn! I'd volunteer for that! I've got "one in the chamber" as we speak!


Maven

Bostick said...

You know that it is fun to boom your bass in the jeep and cruise the highschools looking for poon.

~ Stacy ~ said...

*chuckle*

Loved the third paragraph, Mr. 'Witty' Dyckerson. Thanks for putting the Ha! Ha! Ha! in my holiday.

And what the hell IS figgy pudding anyway? No, wait. Maybe I don't wann know.