12/20/2007

H.O.A. Holes - Volume III

Christmas came a bit early in the Dyckerson household this year. Guess what I found in my stocking (a.k.a. MAILBOX) the other day. That's right, it's yet another nastygram from the Nazis who run the neighborhood Homeowners' Association. I've written about these bastards before here and here. Well just take a look at what they have for me now.....




What in bloody hell is wrong with these assholes??! Can't they let me live in peace?? Well this time Dyckie's fighting back.....


Dear Nazi Cocksuckers With Nothing Better To Do With Your Time Than To Harass Me,

Do you Nazi cocksuckers have nothing better to do with your time than to harass me??! My property was just inspected by YOUR INSPECTORS a mere THREE MONTHS AGO. Why was the rake board issue not brought up at the time? I could have gotten the SAME CARPENTER who repaired my window trim to replace the rake board ON THE SAME DAY. Now you're telling me I have to sacrifice ANOTHER DAY'S PAY so I can sit at home and babysit ANOTHER FUCKING REPAIRMAN??!

You sure seem eager for me to contact First Class Contracting of Virginia. In fact, your entire letter looks suspiciously like a COMMERCIAL for their services. You wouldn't by any chance be getting any KICKBACKS from First Class Contracting of Virginia.....or WOULD YOU??! And what's with the fucking THIRTY DAYS NOTICE during the middle of holiday season?? You got a BALLOON PAYMENT due on your YACHT??!!

And what, pray tell, is a RAKE BOARD?? Sounds fucking MADE UP to me. I know what a RAKE is...and I know what a BOARD is...and they have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. A rake is a garden implement used for gathering leaves and stabbing children in the eyes. A board is just a hunk of wood. I think you just combined TWO RANDOM WORDS in hopes of fooling people: "Hmmm...You know Gladys, I worked in construction for 25 years, and I never heard of a rake board. But it sounds real. I guess we better fix it!" Nice try, assholes...but Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson wasn't born yesterday.

So bring on your fucking JUDICIAL HEARING and your MONETARY PENALTY. I'd love to see you try and collect. My posse and I will be waiting for you with our SHOVEL BLOCKS and our SPADE PLANKS...and by God, we know how to use them! Now GO SUCK A DICK!!!


There, I think I made my point. But just in case something should happen, can I crash with one of you guys for a while???


23 comments:

sputnick said...

Awesome reply! And so eloquent! You know, I've been thinking, there is a little hidden Mighty Dyckerson in all of us, someone who would like to always speak his mind, and respond the way Mighty Dyckerson responded to the HOA. Mighty Dyckerson may be a fictitious character, but he speaks for us all.

The HOR blogger said...

DYCK!! I'm bringing my HOE-BOARD and we're gonna fuck them bitches up ghetto style.

Christie said...

Well put. Could you please help me write a letter to my insurance company over a denied claim. I mean, I am paying them to do more than send random letters, aren't I?

marky said...

Yeah fuck those Nazi fucks. Come on out and stay here for awhile Dyck. We'll raise hell making crank calls to your HOAs and you can meet Mr Don Henley.

Effortlessly Average said...

I'd let you bunk with me, but it took me forever to clean up the poo the last crazy monkey threw all over the place when I brought him home. Fool me once... yadda yadda yadda.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyckiepoo-I hate HOA bastards! I finally got mine off my back! Wanna come stay with me? I think my rake board is just fine, and I could use a good house boy.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Did these motherfuckers let you know that they would be trying to extort blood money out of you when you moved into the community, or is this something that has come as a surprise since being there?

No matter what, you should singlehandedly feed these people to the lions. According to the movie Goodfellas, just the threat of it is enough to show you mean business.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Spetnack - Why are you being so nice to me? Are you banging my sister??

HOR - Preach on! Lay down some smack in da hizzy! (Or something like that.)

Ms. McFatty - Sorry, I can't help it if the insurance company won't pay for your breast enlargement.

Marky - I'm not sure I can hang out with a guy whose avatar includes a penis.

Avg - You know what they say. Monkey pee, monkey poo! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Sassy - I'm glad the HOA is off your back...'cause I'd like to get you ON your back!!

Bumble - If I feed them to the lions, I'll just have to pay the new HOA to clean up the mess.

Willo Keays said...

Well .. I do need someone to play nurse, chauffeur, maid and cook after my knee surgery. If the timing is right ... you can stay here. What the heck.

Merry Holidays!

marky said...

My invitation was just a GESTURE you dumb cocksucker! Don Henley would never speak to me again if you showed up.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Spade Planks... *heh* That was sorta funny.

puerileuwaite said...

Mr. Dyckerson,

What if the HOA agreed to change the name from "rake board" to "clown moulding"? Would that be acceptable? Good. We thought so.

(p.s. - there will be a $100 surcharge for the name change)

Happy Holidays!

Pug Puerileuwaite, ESQ.
(On behalf of the HOA)

UBERMOUTH said...

Wow, you can skip my Christmas card this year. LOL Great post.

Stan!! said...

"I'm bringing my HOE-BOARD and we're gonna fuck them bitches up ghetto style" Translation required, Hor.

Dyck, if you can't deal with a bunch of HOA jerk offs, how the fuck are you going to cope with the burdens of presidential office?It's all going to play havoc with your mastubatory needs.
Think carefully,amigo.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Wow, I always knew you were on your knees a lot, but I didn't realize you wore them out already!

Marky - Don't worry. Mr. Henley is all about forgiveness...forgiveness...even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

Stacy - Update your blog.

P - I'll do the jokes here. You update your blog too.

Ubermouth - Good, 'cause you weren't getting one anyway!

Stan - Translation: "I intend to bring physical harm to the members of your Homeowners' Association." And I'm dealing with the HOA...by NOT dealing with them! Let's see what they do about it!

Tyler Durden said...

They have Home Owners Associations in the trailer parks in Virginia? nah..... you're lying....

Merry Christmas!

Sassy Blondie said...

Maybe you should kill them with kindness. Do you want me to bake them some cookies? If they were good enough to make you puke, then they are good enough for the HOA bastards, eh?

The Middle Lifer said...

No worries, I got a crawl space that you can stay in, I even got a light for the weed that grows in there, you'll do fine, just water the plants for me will ya?

Beth said...

dyck...why do you live in such a high-class place anyway? come on to the ghetto...we won't bother you too much...

BUMBLE!!! said...

I looked down recent retorts and saw

Maybe you should kill them....

It took me a few seconds to notice the "with kindness."

I didn't know if you were inspiring your readers to cultlike obedience in that Manson way where they would handle your problems with the HOA themselves.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tyler - No, you're confused. That's the Ho Moaners' Association.

Sassy - Good idea! Just send the cookies to me. I'll make sure they go to the right place...

Lifer - As long as you're using those new low-energy bulbs. If you're "going green," you may as well go all the way.

Beth - No thanks. I have an aversion to mold.

Bimble - I can't kill them. Who would empty my trash and cut my three square feet of grass??

Ms Smack said...

You're welcome to come and crash here to avoid those nazi fuckers.

I'll show you how to swim around the great white sharks, throw a shrimp on the barbie and pick up a hot aussie blonde-chick.

Some chicks over here love that accent of yours :)

Wirthy said...

What the hell is a rake board?