The Dyckerson Family Christmas Newsletter '07

Can you believe another year has come and gone??! Seems like only yesterday that we were writing our 2005 newsletter and telling you about Dyck Jr. saying his first word, "motherfucker." And it's been a whole year since our 2006 newsletter when I wrote to you about little Megan's first unplanned pregnancy. Our kids never cease to amaze us, and 2007 was no exception!

Megan has been continuing to make us proud with her singing career. Her first album, Glitter and Bubble Gum, is due out early next year. She had a little setback last spring when an unflattering video of her appeared on TMZ, but we are confident her career will rise as fast as the cock on that boy she was servicing!

Little D.J. started nursery school last fall. Unfortunately, he had a rough time adjusting to the pressure. His teacher gave him a "time out" on his first day, and he called her a fucking bitch. We had a conference with the teacher, and she suggested we put him on Ritalin. I told her my son was right, she WAS a fucking bitch. Then I smacked her upside the head. What is it with these schools today, wanting to prescribe drugs for everything??! We're thinking of home schooling him next year.

Grandpa Dyckerson got in some trouble this year for gambling on dog fights. Then he got in more trouble for betting on the outcome of his trial. Luckily, all the judges in Dyckersonville are crooked, so we were able to bribe him with some of Mrs. D's cookies. He just had to wear one of them ankle bracelets for a few months. Easiest time he ever did.

Finally, there's good ol' Mrs. D herself. After losing her job at Harry's House of Whores last year, she was down in the dumps for a while. But last March, she decided to go into business for herself and open her very own whore house!! We figure she has the knowledge and experience, so why not?? It's called Sassy Blondie's Pleasure Palace, and so far it is doing quite well. If business continues to grow, we're thinking about starting a nationwide chain!!!

Last summer we went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon. Folks, let me tell you, it was spectacular! I haven't seen a hole that big since Ms. Babble's childbirth photos. We rode mules all the way to the bottom, and then Mrs. D rode my mule behind a bunch of bushes. It was amazing how her screams of delight echoed off the canyon walls.

Also last summer, we decided to put a swimming pool in the back yard. I don't like to brag, but I'm a bit of a handyman...so I decided to do the install myself. It was a little tricky at first, but I was finally able to find the plastic pools in Walmart. I had been looking in sporting goods, but they were in the toy section. Sneaky bastards!!

Shortly after installing the pool, Mrs. D came down with a bad case of West Nile virus. Apparently the standing water in the pool was attracting a lot of mosquitos. She survived, but we ended up having to drain the pool. Now we're using it as a planter in the front yard - tres, tres classy!!

Well that's about it for 2007. Here's wishing you the best for 2008! See you next year, you bastards!!

Coming Soon:


~ Stacy ~ said...

All the best in 2008 to you, too, Mr. Dyckerson!

Scary Monster said...

Stompy Christmas, me freind.
Hope alla ya sordid fuckin dreams come true!

Scary Monster.

Me goin out to nibble onna reindeer, yeah!


sputnick said...

Ayeee! It's a family newsletter! Get the shredder! Tongs and rubber gloves and acid! Bolt from the backdoor! Oh... No, wait, wait... It's just a spoof. Phew! Man, you shouldn't play with my phobias like that. I can take a rubber snake, or a plastic cockroach, but dude, these family newsletter things are just too vile.

puerileuwaite said...

Now I know why I've always hated those friggin' retarded XMAS Newsletters: either those fuckers are bragging or lying. Either way I hate them. Yours on the other hand are the first ones that evoke the true spirit of the holidays in their brutal and heartfelt honesty.

Sassy Blondie said...

Oh Dyckerson...you've outdone yourself, haven't you? LOL

tfg said...

I've said it before and and I'll say it again:

Fuck a garland strand up your phony chimney, and I'll hang mistletoe with it, while I celibrate you with my 12 day old yule log. You'll give birth to a wise man and we'll cut him into frankencense.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Glad to see that your children will be continuing your fine standards and traditions for generations to come.

Merry Christma-kwanz-ukah / Festivus

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - What's that supposed to mean??!

Monster - All me dreams be wet ones. SQUIRT!

Spatnuck - Rubber snakes? Plastic cockroaches?? Have you been peeking in my Christmas stocking???

P - You're too kind. Next year we're planning a podcast newsletter so we can be even more pretentious!

Sassy - Anything to put a smile on your cute little face, my love! ;)

TFG - Wow, that sounds eerily familiar. Where have I heard that before??

Bamble - Indeed, they have big shoes to fill...not to mention big condoms.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I hope the day was all you wished it to be, my friend! Always nice to hear about the family!

The Middle Lifer said...

AH yes, the family recap letter for the year. So classy, so refined, so worthy of the trash bin...
Here's to hoping you get laid in 2008 Dyck,

Effortlessly Average said...

"...I haven't seen a hole that big since Ms. Babble's childbirth photos. We rode mules all the way to the bottom..."

Isn't that a commentary on how Babble got pregnant in the first place?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mr. Fab - Not quite. There was no poon in my stocking.

Lifer - If yo momma keeps coming on to me, I'm sure I'll get laid.

Avg - Actually, I think Ms. Babble's baby came from a test tube. Word is Mr. Babble has been shooting blanks for years.

Jenny! said...

Merry Christmas! Your dick has grown since I have been gone...it's up to 12 inches now! Wow!

Bostick said...

I will let you know when this year is over boy.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Stick with Soulseek...

I've never had a problem with that.

(though I never did limewire - just morpheus and kazaa).

marky said...

Wow! I never realized you have sort of a dysfunctional family.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenny - But who's counting??

Bistock - You do that, fire crotch.

Bumble - WTF?? Chat Hole coments belong in the Chat Hole!!

Marky - What are you, new here??!

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyckie, you just had to tell them about my new business venture?

~ Stacy ~ said...

My bad, Mr. Dyckerson. Let me decipher: I wish you a poonerific 2008!