12/31/2007

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #4 - #2

And now, we return to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!


DICK: Thank you so much, and welcome back! I'm TV's Dick Clark! Ryan and I are counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!


RYAN: That's right, you old fossil...and we're getting down to the wire, folks! The excitement in the air is simply indescribable! Wouldn't you say so, Dick?


DICK: How the fuck did you get this job anyway? Wasn't Regis available??

RYAN: Ha ha, you're such a kidder! Let's move on to number 4 on the big countdown! As some of you may recall, a new weight loss drug called Alli hit the market. Well when Mighty Dyckerson got wind of this, he really hit the roof! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Anyway, without further ado, here's Pardon My Oily Spotting!!!

DICK: Seriously, did you win a contest or something? I don't get it!!

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RYAN: Wow, that was really super! Hey Dick, I just realized something! Your first name is Dick, and Mighty Dyckerson's name is Dyck! That's Dick and Dyck! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

DICK: Yeah, two dicks. You must really be in Heaven right now. OK, moving right along...number 3 on our countdown is really a literary masterpiece. Penned only a few weeks ago, it's the haunting and enchanting Ode To Sassy Blondie!!!

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DICK: Hey Ryan, what's the longest running game show in daytime television?

RYAN: Well it sure as hell wasn't that "Pyramid" show, was it? They canceled that piece of shit like 2o years ago! I was still in high school! Ha ha ha ha!

DICK: Your breath reeks of semen. Anyway, I was referring of course to "The Price is Right." Our Mighty D. went to see a taping of that very show last April, and he chronicled his entire trip in a 7-part series aptly titled, A Dyck In Hollywood!

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RYAN: Wow, that was really great! I can't imagine what could possibly top that! How about you, gramps??

DICK: Gramps is going to cram your tube of hair gel up your fucking ass!!

RYAN: Hey, that sounds like fun!

DICK: I should have known. Anyway, be sure to tune in tomorrow for the NUMBER 1 POST OF 2007!! We'll see you then!!!

RYAN: What did you mean by that last comment?

DICK: You're my bitch now, so just drop it.


12/30/2007

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #7 - #5

Welcome back to THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN with your hosts DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!




DICK: Hi everybody, and welcome back! If you're just joining us, we're counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007! This is truly exciting! There's a certain electricity in the air tonight! Wouldn't you agree, Ryan?

RYAN: Right you are, you miserable old shitbag! Yesterday we left off at number 8, so what do you say we get this ball rolling again with number 7??!

DICK: I'm sure you know all about balls, you queer motherfu-

RYAN: Okay then, moving right along! Number 7 on the countdown is a hilarious post Mighty D. wrote while under the influence of alcohol. Here's A Drunken Post!!!

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DICK: Ryan, what do you think of when I say the word POON?

RYAN: Umm...well...I'm not really sure...

DICK: That's what I thought, Mary Poppins. Anyway, number 6 on our countdown is a post that started a whole new sensation across America! I'm talking, of course, about POON!!!

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RYAN: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funny stuff, huh Dick??!

DICK: Why don't you just come out of the closet already? Moving on, we have two posts TIED for number 5...and they both have to do with Mighty Dyckerson's crappy I.T. job!

RYAN: Wowzers!!

DICK: Please shut your piehole. Now then, the first post in the number 5 position dates back to June 2007, and it's called quite simply, I Hate My Job.

RYAN: And the other post in the number 5 slot is sort of a page from M.D.'s diary. It's called A Day In The Life!!

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DICK: We're getting down to the wire now! Be sure to tune in tomorrow as we continue counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten posts of 2007!

RYAN: Seacrest out!

DICK: I swear to God I will stab you in the eyes if you do not shut up!!!


12/29/2007

Top 10 Posts of 2007: #10 - #8

Now it's time for THE MIGHTY BLOG TOP TEN COUNTDOWN! And here are your hosts, DICK CLARK and RYAN SEACREST!!!!!



DICK: Thank you very much, and welcome to our show. I'm TV's Dick Clark!

RYAN: And I'm Ryan Seacrest. I have no talent whatsoever. But over the next few days, I'll be helping Dick to ring in the new year by counting down Mighty Dyckerson's top ten blog posts of 2007!

DICK: Right you are, you fucking fruitcake! Let's get started with number 10. The year 2007 came in with a real bang when Saddam Hussein got his neck stretched for being such a meanie. And our own Mighty Dyckerson scored the interview of the year when he sat down with Ralph Al-Yossef, the guy who executed Saddam. Coming in at number 10, here's Dope On A Rope!!!

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RYAN: Ahh, that was a classic. Being gay, I appreciate a good butt...especially when it's on a guy. But earlier this year, Mighty Dyckerson wrote about a female fanny that made quite an impression on him. Here's number 9 on our countdown, I Am An Ass Man!!!

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DICK: Ha ha ha ha ha! You know Ryan, when I look at you, I immediately think about feces.

RYAN: Bite me, you washed-up old prune.

DICK: Shut it, asshole. I brought up feces because we have TIE at number 8...and both posts deal with excrement! The first post was about an unfortunate incident that took place in a movie theater years ago. It's called Sandra Bullock Makes Me Crap My Pants. The second post was so good, it was a two-parter! From September 2007, I give you An Inconvenient Poop!!! And don't forget An Inconvenient Poop - Part 2!!!

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RYAN: That's some great material right there!

DICK: You got that right, you flaming fucker! Stay tuned tomorrow for numbers 7 through 5!!!!!


12/24/2007

The Dyckerson Family Christmas Newsletter '07

Can you believe another year has come and gone??! Seems like only yesterday that we were writing our 2005 newsletter and telling you about Dyck Jr. saying his first word, "motherfucker." And it's been a whole year since our 2006 newsletter when I wrote to you about little Megan's first unplanned pregnancy. Our kids never cease to amaze us, and 2007 was no exception!

Megan has been continuing to make us proud with her singing career. Her first album, Glitter and Bubble Gum, is due out early next year. She had a little setback last spring when an unflattering video of her appeared on TMZ, but we are confident her career will rise as fast as the cock on that boy she was servicing!

Little D.J. started nursery school last fall. Unfortunately, he had a rough time adjusting to the pressure. His teacher gave him a "time out" on his first day, and he called her a fucking bitch. We had a conference with the teacher, and she suggested we put him on Ritalin. I told her my son was right, she WAS a fucking bitch. Then I smacked her upside the head. What is it with these schools today, wanting to prescribe drugs for everything??! We're thinking of home schooling him next year.

Grandpa Dyckerson got in some trouble this year for gambling on dog fights. Then he got in more trouble for betting on the outcome of his trial. Luckily, all the judges in Dyckersonville are crooked, so we were able to bribe him with some of Mrs. D's cookies. He just had to wear one of them ankle bracelets for a few months. Easiest time he ever did.

Finally, there's good ol' Mrs. D herself. After losing her job at Harry's House of Whores last year, she was down in the dumps for a while. But last March, she decided to go into business for herself and open her very own whore house!! We figure she has the knowledge and experience, so why not?? It's called Sassy Blondie's Pleasure Palace, and so far it is doing quite well. If business continues to grow, we're thinking about starting a nationwide chain!!!

Last summer we went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon. Folks, let me tell you, it was spectacular! I haven't seen a hole that big since Ms. Babble's childbirth photos. We rode mules all the way to the bottom, and then Mrs. D rode my mule behind a bunch of bushes. It was amazing how her screams of delight echoed off the canyon walls.

Also last summer, we decided to put a swimming pool in the back yard. I don't like to brag, but I'm a bit of a handyman...so I decided to do the install myself. It was a little tricky at first, but I was finally able to find the plastic pools in Walmart. I had been looking in sporting goods, but they were in the toy section. Sneaky bastards!!

Shortly after installing the pool, Mrs. D came down with a bad case of West Nile virus. Apparently the standing water in the pool was attracting a lot of mosquitos. She survived, but we ended up having to drain the pool. Now we're using it as a planter in the front yard - tres, tres classy!!

Well that's about it for 2007. Here's wishing you the best for 2008! See you next year, you bastards!!


Coming Soon:
MIGHTY DYCKERSON'S
TOP TEN POSTS OF 2007!!!



12/20/2007

H.O.A. Holes - Volume III

Christmas came a bit early in the Dyckerson household this year. Guess what I found in my stocking (a.k.a. MAILBOX) the other day. That's right, it's yet another nastygram from the Nazis who run the neighborhood Homeowners' Association. I've written about these bastards before here and here. Well just take a look at what they have for me now.....




What in bloody hell is wrong with these assholes??! Can't they let me live in peace?? Well this time Dyckie's fighting back.....


Dear Nazi Cocksuckers With Nothing Better To Do With Your Time Than To Harass Me,

Do you Nazi cocksuckers have nothing better to do with your time than to harass me??! My property was just inspected by YOUR INSPECTORS a mere THREE MONTHS AGO. Why was the rake board issue not brought up at the time? I could have gotten the SAME CARPENTER who repaired my window trim to replace the rake board ON THE SAME DAY. Now you're telling me I have to sacrifice ANOTHER DAY'S PAY so I can sit at home and babysit ANOTHER FUCKING REPAIRMAN??!

You sure seem eager for me to contact First Class Contracting of Virginia. In fact, your entire letter looks suspiciously like a COMMERCIAL for their services. You wouldn't by any chance be getting any KICKBACKS from First Class Contracting of Virginia.....or WOULD YOU??! And what's with the fucking THIRTY DAYS NOTICE during the middle of holiday season?? You got a BALLOON PAYMENT due on your YACHT??!!

And what, pray tell, is a RAKE BOARD?? Sounds fucking MADE UP to me. I know what a RAKE is...and I know what a BOARD is...and they have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. A rake is a garden implement used for gathering leaves and stabbing children in the eyes. A board is just a hunk of wood. I think you just combined TWO RANDOM WORDS in hopes of fooling people: "Hmmm...You know Gladys, I worked in construction for 25 years, and I never heard of a rake board. But it sounds real. I guess we better fix it!" Nice try, assholes...but Mightonimous Q. Dyckerson wasn't born yesterday.

So bring on your fucking JUDICIAL HEARING and your MONETARY PENALTY. I'd love to see you try and collect. My posse and I will be waiting for you with our SHOVEL BLOCKS and our SPADE PLANKS...and by God, we know how to use them! Now GO SUCK A DICK!!!


There, I think I made my point. But just in case something should happen, can I crash with one of you guys for a while???


12/13/2007

Joy to the World

I fucking HATE the holidays. The endless traffic, the crowded stores, the bickering relatives, the shameless commercialism - you name it, it all SUCKS. But when a story like this comes along, it truly warms the cockles of my heart. And Lord knows my cockles could use some warming.

According to the story, some DIPSHIT REDNECK SUBURBANITE COCKSUCKER had a thousand dollars burning a hole in his pocket. He could've given it to the Christmas Motherfucker, Boys for Tits, or even the Salvation Smarmy and their BELL-RINGING ASS GOBLINS. But NOOO!!! This JACKHOLE decides to blow it all on tacky decorations for the front lawn of his shitty house. Yep, nothing says Christmas like a MATERIALISTIC ATTENTION WHORE going into debt to purchase a BREAK DANCING SANTA and a HOMERSEXUAL ELF who sings "Jingle Bells."

That's why I took great delight in reading that this douchebag's nativity obscene was vandalized not once...but TWICE!!! BWAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! YES, VAGINA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS!!!!!

Of course, everybody on the news was acting all sympathetic and shit: "Awww, poor guy! He was just trying to get into the holiday spirit!" BULLSHIT. He was really just trying to illuminate THE ENTIRE EASTERN SEABOARD with his 5,000 strands of ENERGY SUCKING INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULBS he got on sale last January at K-Mart. I bet his fugly eyesore of a house was visible from outer space. THIS IS WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US!!!


Then there was this story about another wacko nutjob. Seems some treacherous thug trashed his tacky trinkets too...so now all his whorenaments are rigged with TRIP WIRES, MOTION SENSORS, ALARMS, and CLOSED CIRCUIT VIDEO CAMERAS. In addition, he has a wide assortment of cheerful holiday signs like "SEASONS GREETINGS" and "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" and "KEEP OUT" and "HIGH VOLTAGE" and "TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT." Now there's a man who understands the TRUE MEANING of Christmas!!!

Included is footage of Rambo hunkered down in his holiday command center (a.k.a. TOOL SHED), surrounded by extension cords and TV monitors and armed with a HIGH CALIBER ASSAULT RIFLE. God help any unsuspecting squirrel who wanders into his yard. The plastic Rudolph is packed with enough nitroglycerine to blow that squirrel AND his nuts to kingdom come. I can almost hear G.I. Joe shouting, "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU LITTLE COMMIE BASTARD!!!"


Finally, there's my personal favorite, the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. You don't see those much anymore. People are always amazed at how the actors can stand perfectly still in the freezing cold for so long. Well let me tell you something. When those bastards see the high beams on my four wheel drive coming at them at FULL SPEED, they get out of the way PRETTY DAMN QUICK. Last time I did it, the three wise men were trampling all over the baby Jesus to get out of the way. And the Virgin Mary?? That dame can CURSE LIKE A SAILOR!!!


Somebody pass me some figgy pudding! It's gonna be a great Christmas!!!


12/10/2007

Deadbeat Bloggers

'Tis the season to be jolly...and to say adios to the delinquent bloggers in my sidebar. As you know, being a Mighty Blog affiliate is a privilege, not a right. And as such, I reserve the right to tell you to FUCK OFF if you refuse to regularly update your blog with high quality material such as that found here on The Mighty Blog. So without further ado, here is the latest round of fuckoffs. Did YOU make the list???


Because Scientists Really Are Funnier Than You Are - This is still an active blog, but dammit, it's too fucking hard to read. The text is too small, and it blends in to the background. Not only that, but the posts overlap into the right sidebar. Messy and not worth the effort.

Blog Portland - All you have to do is click the link to see why this blog is getting the axe. Our old friend McFatty apparently moved on without leaving a forwarding address. This is a big NO-NO per the Mighty Blog Affiliates Code:

  • Section II, Paragraph 3: An affiliate blog may not cease operations without the prior written consent of Mighty Dyckerson or a designated representative of Mighty Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide.


I Must Be Slipping - Yeah, you're slipping, alright. You haven't updated your fucking blog since SEPTEMBER. Take a hike, loser.

Otaku Photog (AKA "EWink") - This guy is a news videographer. Every day he deals with fires, car wrecks, and mangled bodies. If anybody should have an ample supply of blog fodder, it's him. But does he share any of it with us?? NOOOOO!!! See you in Hell, EWink!!!

Randomness - She posts. She doesn't post. She posts. She doesn't post. I've tried coaching her. I've tried counseling her. I even paid for her boob job. Well I'm through with that bitch!*

Scary Monster - This is a perfect example of what happens when a new blogger takes to the Internets by storm, adding new blog posts several times every day. He set an impossible pace for himself, and eventually he got burned out. It's sad, really. It pains me to have to do this, but Monster, I'm FUCKING YOU OFF.

Surreptitious Psychosis - In her most recent post, Aza promises to update again soon. Well that was back in August. AUGUST, people!!! Well Aza, I'm deleting your blog SOON...and by soon, I mean NOW.

Tiny Voices in My Head - Here's a hot chick who had herself a really nice blog. Interesting content, lots of readers, everything you could ever ask for. But she had to piss it all away to start some girlie rock band and pretend to play guitar. I bet she only knows one chord. Such a shame.


Finally, there are several bloggers on the endangered species list. These blogs are hereby placed on PROBATION until they are updated by their rightful owners:




That's it, you've been warned! If you dipshits don't get your shit together fast, you're going on the chopping block during the next round of fuckoffs! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!




* Please come back, darling!




12/08/2007

Gettin' Schooled

Let's travel down memory lane for yet another edition of
THE BEST OF DYCKERSON
Originally posted: 12/17/06


My philosophy on life is quite simple: The learning never stops. I am always looking for new ways to expand my knowledge and keep my mind sharp. That's why I was excited to find out that the Dyckersonville public school system offers its residents adult education classes for a modest fee.

I picked up a copy of the course catalog while I was surfing for porn at the library today. Problem is, all the classes are so interesting, I'm having a hard time deciding what to take. So i thought I'd share some of the offerings with you buttfuckers and get your opinions. Keep in mind these are actual course descriptions from the catalog:



At first, this one struck my fancy. I mean, who doesn't want to know where they came from? I could be a descendant of royalty! But then I thought about it. With my luck, I'll find out I'm one of Adolph Hitler's grandsons. Or worse yet, I could be Ms. Babble's long lost cousin. Not worth the risk. Besides, any course description that contains the word "finis" is too fucking gay for my ass. Moving on.....



Here I was intrigued by the eye-catching "NEW" indicator to the right of the title. A storytelling class may be just what I need to make The Mighty Blog even mightier! But why mess with perfection? And how about this sentence: "There will be a definite goal for which results to expect from the course." Excuse me, but that makes NO FUCKING SENSE. These people think they can teach me storytelling, yet they can't even write a coherent sentence in the course description?? And what's the deal with the tape recorder and blank audiotape? Who the fuck uses cassettes in this day and age??? Dyckerson does NOT do analog. Next.....



Now we're getting somewhere! There is nothing I would love more than to festoon my flip-flops with festive fun fur. But alas, I only have one pair of flip-flops...and the description clearly states that 2 pair are required. Damn them to Hell!!!!


Oooh, an eBay class! Perhaps I can get rich by opening my own eBay store and selling my fun fur! This is the ticket for me! But wait. I call your attention to the passage which I have highlighed in yellow for your convenience: "Due to time limitations and school regulations involving the Internet, this class will not involve hands-on with a computer." So lemme get this straight. It's a class about EBAY...which is a ONLINE SHOPPING SITE...but computers will not be made available??! Will there be an instructor, or is that against regulations too??! Let's continue.....


Ladies and gentlemen, I have found my true calling!!! And to think, I've wasted all this time working in a cube farm fucking around on a computer all day, when I could have been mastering the ancient art of clowning. Sure, the class is probably full of winos and pedophiles...but I have to start somewhere! I can just see myself now on graduation night, walking down that aisle in my cap, gown, and big red shoes to accept my diploma. Mom and Dad will be so proud!! That's it, I'm signing up today!!!!


12/04/2007

Ode to Sassy Blondie

And now, without further ado, the world premiere of my latest literary masterpiece...Ode to Sassy Blondie!!!



I once met a blogger
She was blonde and quite sassy
Her boobs were real perky
And she had a nice assy

She likes to wear pants
That are made out of flannel
We make out on the Internets
While I watch the porn channel

We chit and we chat
And I try to seduce her
But my sexual advances
Only serve to amuse her

This chick whom I know
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Has a heart that's as big
As all of Tallahassee

She hangs out in bookstores
With rude, horny gays
Their groping disgusts her
But she watches anyways

She goes to wild parties
To drink and to dance
She sends out text messages
Yet her phone's in her pants

Catholic is this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She flirts with her priest
During midnight massy

The boys in her school
Graze against her heaving chest
They play with their wankers
And imagine her undressed

She was once almost killed
By a drunk in a Fury
Would've shot his dumb ass
If she hadn't been in a hurry

Did I mention that this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
Is a hell of a baker
And as sweet as molassy?

She made me a batch
Of chocolate chip cookies
I ate them all up
And I gave her some nookie

We're thinking of moving
To the city of Denver
But it's already too cold
And it's only December

Another thing about this chick
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She was stalked by a psycho -
Charged him with sexual harassy

We'll have a quick wedding
And a long honeymoon
She'll service my wang
And I'll lick her sweet poon

We'll marry and settle
And have dozens of kids
They'll wear out her hoo-ha
And they'll all die of SIDS

I'm in love with a blogger
Who is blonde and quite sassy
She beat me at dominoes
But her act is real classy


12/02/2007

Special Delivery

Everybody knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But nobody knows this more than my good friend Sassy Blondie. Actually, she's more than just a good friend. If I have anything to do with it, she'll be the future Mrs. Dyckerson!

Yesterday I came home to find a very special package waiting for me on my doorstep. So special, in fact, that it even outranks the ONKYO TX-SR505S I received back in September. Take a look...


With great anticipation, I carefully lifted the box, made sure it wasn't ticking, and carried it into the kitchen. After placing the package on my filthy counter, I broke open the official post office seal using the same pair of scissors I had used to trim my pubes just one night before. Upon opening the box, I was greeted by a generous supply of everybody's favorite packing material, bubble wrap...


My first instinct was to pop every single one of those bubbly little fuckers, but I had bigger fish to fry. And after frying my fish, I returned to my mystery package, yanked out the bubble wrap, and unveiled my reward...


Yes, not even high-end electronics can beat a batch of DELICIOUS HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES loving baked to perfection by a SASSY BLONDE! Am I right guys??! Not only that, but check out the wrapping...


FOUR DOZEN COOKIES...each dozen sealed in its own plastic baggy by a colorful festive ribbon!! I hope the people at Chips Ahoy are reading this, because THIS is how you make chocolate chip cookies!! Not only did Ms. Blondie bake these delectable morsels JUST FOR ME, but look at this...


This woman spent nearly TEN FUCKING DOLLARS on postage alone!! I spent less than that on my first blowjob! If that isn't love, I don't know what is. The package also contained a card, which is all good and well, but I wanted those fucking cookies!!


So moist...so chewy...so packed with sassy goodness! Each mouth watering cookie personally licked by Ms. Blondie for extra sweetness! I couldn't eat just one! In fact, I couldn't eat just one dozen! That's right, I ate ALL 48 COOKIES in one sitting and washed it down with a bottle of ice cold Corona Light! As I spent the remainder of the evening puking my guts out, I kept thinking to myself, I'm going to marry that woman.


Of course, one good turn deserves another. That's why I'm going to make my sweet Sassy Blondie a pot of Grandpa Dyckerson's famous PORK RIND STEW! No need to thank me, darling. You're worth it. And not only that, but I am currently putting the finishing touches on my latest opus - a little something I like to call Ode to Sassy Blondie. The literary community is already buzzing about this poetic masterpiece, and in a couple of days, you'll be able to read it for yourself...right here, on The Mighty Blog! Stay tuned!!!