11/14/2007

Trails And Tribulations

I have new respect for the DyckMobile. Last weekend I took her to the mountains with a group of 4-wheeling rednecks for an off road adventure. I thought it would be a good opportunity to connect with nature and possibly score some hillbilly poon. You see, I had offered my empty seats to two female non-Jeep owners whom I had yet to meet. I was hoping at least one of them would look like Daisy Duke - you know, before she got old and fat. Boy was I wrong.

We met at an Exxon station near the trail head. Chick #1 was this short, squatty, rather talkative creature. I don't want to say this woman was ugly, but I've seen better looking bitches in Michael Vick's back yard. Chick #2 was a middle aged broad - divorced, grown kids, etc. I could practically hear her hoo-ha drying up from ten feet away. Yeah, this was going to be a fun day.

First thing you have to do before doing any serious off roading is air down your tires to improve traction. This rather complicated process involves jamming a key into your valve stems to allow air to escape. My passengers offered to assist, but seeing as they didn't know what the fuck a valve stem was, I opted to do it myself. I wasn't about to put the DyckMobile in the hands of two clueless cackling hens.

As I finished deflating the last tire, Chick #1 piped up: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN!" she screamed.

"Are you sure about that?" I asked her. "It's going to be pretty chilly once we get moving."

Her response: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN! WOO HOO!"

Chick #2 didn't give a damn one way or another, so reluctantly I removed the vinyl windows and lowered the canvas top. Then I brushed myself off, hopped back in the Heep, and started on our way.

At first, it was just dirt and gravel. If I had to compare the size of these rocks to one of my co-bloggers, I'd say they were about the size of Ms. Babble's ta-tas. So small, you really couldn't feel anything. I tried to take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery, but Chick #1 wasn't having it.

"I'M COLD! PUT THE TOP UP!" she whined. I knew this was coming.

I muttered a string a four-letter words as I struggled to reassemble the top half of the DyckMobile. Meanwhile, the post-menopausal chick whipped out her digital camera and began snapping photos of anything and everything. You'd think this broad had never seen a squirrel before.

"MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING! MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING!" she whined. I ripped it out of her wrinkled claws and chucked it into a stream.

Further along the trail, the rocks got considerably larger. I'd say about the size of Sassy Blondie's boobies. As I'm sure you can imagine, the DyckMobile was hopping and bouncing all over the place. It was all I could do to maintain control of my penis...I mean, the wheel.

"WOO-HOO! GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" yelled Chick #1.

I might have been turned on by that statement if she hadn't looked like Humpty Dumpty. Instead, she was just pissing me off. And did I mention the dime store perfume she was wearing?? Two weeks have gone by, and the DyckMobile STILL reeks of that bitch!

We bounced around for another hour and then stopped for lunch. Unfortunately there was no Burger Hole in the wilderness, so I had to settle for a cold bologna sandwich and a juice box. I felt like I was in fucking grammar school again. At this point I had to pee like a race horse, so I sneaked away from the group and knocked some bark off a tree.

The remainder of the trail was quite challenging. The biggest rocks yet - almost the size of RevRee's knockers. I was afraid we would bottom out or get stuck, but thanks to my superior driving skills, I was able to maneuver over and around the massive obstacles.

"GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" screamed Humpty Dumpty.

I stopped the vehicle and turned around. "LISTEN HERE, YOU FAT FUCK! WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN JEEP, YOU CAN ABUSE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. BUT THIS ONE IS MINE, AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO PAY FOR MY FRONT END ALIGNMENT, I SUGGEST YOU LET ME DO THE DRIVING! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP OR YOU'LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT OUT HERE!!!"

I might have gone a bit too far there. I really need to do something about my temper.

Finally we reached the end of the trail and I was able to dump the two broads by the side of the road. But I have to say, I'm quite proud of the DyckMobile for surviving the trip. Now if I could only get it to stop smelling like a five dollar whore.....

28 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

Umm..I'm still waiting on my prize from the last time I commented first.

Really, Dyckiepoo, all that sweet talk and still no poon? I'm shocked!

sudiegirl said...

Have you tried Hai Karate to get rid of the five dollar whore smell? You might address some $10 or $20 whores with it, especially if you install a hot tub in the back.

Kadonkadonk said...

Did you really have a 'Mighty Blog' cover made for your spare? Who do you think you are, Jason Mulgrew?

Maven said...

I find Massengill's douche to be extra cleansing when trying to rid oneself of the ripe five dollar whore aroma. Followed by a Draino chaser.

Sudiegirl said...

Oh...and BTW...I've tagged you to help me with a special Christmas project. Please visit my blog to check the details!

BottleBlonde said...

What a TITillating post. I appreciate your use of metaphor, Edgar Allan Poe. I'll never fondle a rock the same way again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sassy - You want another prize?? I've already given you the family jewels. How greedy can you be?? ;)

Sudie 1 - Sorry, I'm not into martial arts.

Donkadonkadonka - Who the hell is Jason Mulgrew?

Maven - Good idea. Do they sell that douche stuff by the gallon?

Sudie 2 - Lucky me, I can't wait.

Bot - Quote the raven, "Dirty whore!"

Kadonkadonk said...

Jason Mulgrew has a blog that more than 15 people read...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Uhhh, is this post some kind of metaphor for a night you had a 3-way with a fat chick and a grandma?

puerileuwaite said...

Wow! This had both both that "Deliverance" feel and that "Monster" vibe. The only scenes missing were: the one where the fat chick bends you over the log and penetrates you with her strap-on, and the one where the old hag shoots you and takes both your wallet and the DyckMobile. You really need to consider a Part-II.

Randy Sexer said...

You wanna know how to fuck a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and put a gun to her head :)

marky said...

The little person in the second picture looks like half pigman, half retard out of Deliverance. No offense intended to pigmen or retards. Just sayin'...i hope you didn't have to ride around with 'her'.

Tyler Durden said...

Who's the midget? So a fat chick a midget, an old woman and Dyck. That's some creative, new age porn right there. Could we not find a donkey somewhere in the woods?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Kadinkadunk - I didn't really want to know.

Cherry - I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you about possibly switching teams. Is there some kind of application I need to fill out?

P - Thanks. You just ruined the sequel.

Randy - I don't get it.

Marky - Yep, that was Chick #1. No shit.

Tyler - Trust me, a donkey would have been a welcome change.

Sassy Blondie said...

You mean THAT was my prize? Aren't you throwing around the term "prize" rather loosely? ;)

Scary Monster said...

Keepin a couple o' fat broads inna back of yer jeep is important. Dey gonna provide traction and iffin ya break down or get lost in the wilderness they provide a fairly decent food source.

STOMP.

Sornie said...

Now if you had pulled over and guzzled a couple forties of Schlitz Malt Liquor, these shotgun riding hussies may have seemed to be of better quality.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blondie - Not as much as you were throwing around the "family jewels" last night. You're rough!

Monster - Me would rather gnaw off an arm than sink my teeth into those dogs. WOOF!

Sornie - There ain't enough booze in Milwaukee to do that.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Yeah, I always had my suspicions. Yes, the application process is rather hard and long.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Would that be the new Paris Hilton fragrance? Christmas is coming and people deserve punishment gifts, so let me know if the pungent aroma is purchasable for other people to know where they really stand on the naughty and nice list!

Jackass Jenn said...

I have a suspicion the $5 dollar whore scent may be lingering because you keep picking up more $5 whores.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I thought I was reading a Penthouse Forum!

Bostick said...

Dude your jeep has to be the gayest color next to pink. Gayer than Christopher Lowell rollerblading and listing to Wham.

Turn that shit off.

Bostick said...

is that a midget leaning on that rock in the second image?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bumble - Yes, it's called Eau de Skank, and it's available at Big Lots and other fine stores.

Jenn - Personally I don't see the connection.

Dr. K - No, more like Highlights Magazine.

Bistack - I think it's time for you to move your blog again. People might actually be able to find it.

Rat In A Cage said...

It was a challenge not to spit my beer all over the place as I laughed my ass off reading this.

That cheap whore perfume is the fucking worst.

Willo Keays said...

Now I'm sorta jealous. I want to go four-wheeling :(

Christie said...

I think I love you, Dyck. I'm surprised by your ability to not chuck those fat fucks out of the jeep. I cannot stand back seat drivers, and have threatened to kick my mother AND grandmother out of my car when they couldn't shut up.