They're Back!!!

I'm talking, of course, about the best freakin' band the world has ever known - The Eagles, baby! That's Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Timothy B. Schmit, and the incomparable DON HENLEY! Last week they released their first studio album in 28 years! It's called LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN, and it's available exclusively at your local Wal-Mart and/or Sam's Club store. If you have not already purchased this fine piece of musical brilliance, then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??! This two-disc album contains 20 songs and sells at a price point of $11.88 - that's less than 60 CENTS PER SONG! A full 39 CENTS CHEAPER than iTunes! Plus, it includes a handy CARDBOARD SLEEVE to store your CD's *AND* a booklet containing LYRICS, ALBUM CREDITS, and pictures of ELDERLY MEN and SAND. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!

Perhaps you're wondering if the boys still have the touch after all these years. Well allow me to allay your fears by dissecting LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN track by track!

No More Walks in the Wood - The album starts off with this haunting tune sung acapulco by all four members of the band. It's Seven Bridges Road, only about trees instead of bridges!

How Long - This J.D. Souther cover sounds like a cross between Take It Easy and Already Gone. The Eagles used to play this in concerts in the early 70s...now it's back for all to enjoy! Check out the music video on YouTube!

Busy Being Fabulous - Instant classic! With lead vocals by Mr. Henley, this catchy tune has a bit of a Lyin' Eyes sentiment in the lyrics.

What Do I Do With My Heart - I've only listened to this one a couple of times. I don't remember, but I think it's about organ donation. Sung by Glenn Frey.

Guilty Of The Crime - Originally by the Bellamy Brothers, whom I've never heard of. They should be thanking Joe Walsh for breathing new life into their otherwise shitty music.

I Don't Want To Hear Anymore - One of Timothy Schmit's two contributions on the album, this tune has a soulful, I Can't Tell You Why feel to it.

Waiting In The Weeds - "I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows/While peacocks prance and strut up on the stage." First-ever peacock reference in an Eagles song! Chicks are sure to dig this sensitive shit.

No More Cloudy Days - Previously released on the Live From Melbourne DVD. A good song, but it sounds like a reject from one of Glenn Frey's forgettable solo albums.

Fast Company - Mr. Henley showcases his incredible vocal range by singing this entire song falsetto. God bless him!

Do Something - A lovely tune sung by Timothy Schmit with a bridge by Mr. Henley. Another sensitive song that's sure to have the bitches nice and moist!

Long Road Out Of Eden - Disc 2 starts out with this Don Henley opus. Clocks in at over ten minutes, but feels like only five. THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD IT IS! "
Went down the road to Damascus, the road to Mandalay/Met the ghost of Caesar on the Appian Way." Holy shit, I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but it sounds damn impressive! Excellent guitar work by Joseph Walsh. The $11.88 is worth it for this song alone!

I Dreamed There Was No War - An instrumental piece of crap by Glenn Frey. You have my permission to skip this track.

Somebody - Finally Glenn redeems himself! This spooky rocker has a Witchy Woman-ish sound.

Frail Grasp On The Big Picture -
"All your romantic liasons/Don't deal with eternal questions like/Who left the cap off the freaking toothpaste?/Whose turn to take the garbage out?" Who says Don Henley doesn't have a sense of humor??!

Last Good Time In Town - Classic Walsh! 'Nuff said!

I Love To Watch A Woman Dance - Mr. Henley said in an interview that he felt there were a few tracks that shouldn't have been on the album. Undoubtedly this piece of shit sung by Glenn Frey is one of them.

Business As Usual - "
Monuments to arrogance reach for the sky/Our better nature's buried in the rubble/We got the prettiest White House that money can buy/Sitting up there in that beltway bubble." Don's pissed, and he ain't gonna take it anymore! Dirty Laundry, only BETTER!

Center Of The Universe - Another haunting tune with some beautiful harmonies. Hell, now I'M getting moist!!

It's Your World Now - Disc 2 concludes with this Mexican sounding tune reminiscent of Tequila Sunrise. A fitting ending to what will probably be the band's last album.

Now RUN - don't drive - to your nearest Wal-Mart and BUY THIS FUCKING ALBUM! And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!!!!


BottleBlonde said...

The Eagles?!

BAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHahahahahahasjsaosijxixlswc cmxxxdosijdisajisjd!!!

You think I'm going to use my lunch money on The Wheezing Eagles when I can use it on Britney Spear's skankified new album?! Think again, monkey!

P.S. What do I win for being first? And I DON'T want a jar of monkey jizz.

Sassy Blondie said...

Your "enthusiasm" for The Eagles seems a bit...well, stalkerish. Do you have Don Henley's middle finger in a cigar box under your bed?

marky said...

Already Gone.

Stan!! said...

Damned right, Dyck. This album is all meat, no filler, flawless.

I'll just say that it's certainly no accident that these guys (all rock-n-roll A-Listers individually, with resident mystic cynic, ace Don Henley still flying high at the helm) are still, unequivocally, without a doubt, incomparably, as they were back when,...the finest band in the land!
The Eagles last put out a studio album was 1979 when Jimmy Carter was President. Think about it.

Anonymous said...

and if you lived in Scotlandica you'd get the bonus track Hole in the World too.

But then again you can only see a hole from the outside.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I kept waiting for the joke. I share the position of The Dude from The Big Lebowski when it comes to The Eagles.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bot - Listen here, you bubble headed bottle blonde! I will not have you disparaging the Eagles' good name in my Comment Hole! Apologize at once!!!

Sassafrass - No, but I do have another appendage...

Marky - Get Over It.

Stan - Well thank God somebody around here appreciates the poetic genius of Mr. Donald Henley! I might just have to stop calling you a lymie! (OK, I probably won't.)

Anon - If you were really a fan, you would already have this song when it came out in '03.

Dr. K - There are certain things Dyckerson does not joke about. The flag, my mother's twat, and the music of The Eagles.

marky said...

oh yeah? well, I Will Not Go Quietly......

Tyler Durden said...

I'm running to Wal-mart... or to a torrent bit. Whatever is easier, cheaper, closer to my house and I can get while in the comfort of my naked ass with my penis in one hand.

Sassy Blondie said...

I want to make hot and steamy love to Don Henley...there's just something about him...


BUMBLE!!! said...

The Bellamy Brothers are famous for singing "Gimme a gimmie a gimme a redneck girl."

You can look it up - it's true.

If you've never heard Mojo Nixon's Don Henley Must Die, you're really missing out. I'm sure it's on the Internet somewhere.

karla said...

The Eagles are back? This is great news! I don't care for the music myself, but I totally support anything that advances the freedom and acceptance of homosexuals in our society. What's next--legal marriage and dependent health care coverage, I hope! These are exciting times, indeed.

Beth said...

Now this is something I like Dyck!!! The Eagles are awesome and I WILL get this cd. Who knew you liked the Eagles?...I thought Marilyn Manson and Courtney Love were a little more your speed...hhmmmmmm

sputnick said...

I've never heard of these bald eagles, but I will definitely check them out. Which section should I look at in the record store? Gospel? Folk? Or are we talking about Christian Music? More info please.

sputnick said...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater - Is that the same dude who was masturbating to a CD of whale utterances?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sputnick: I'm lost. Masterbating to whale utterances? I'm lost, but it's funny!

Scary Monster said...

Why spend the money on the CD? Being as cheap as you are perverted, me will wait until Me can get it from Lime Wire.

Yaar. The Pirate of Poon.


Nancy said...

...and I remember sitting there,(in Royal Oak MI where I grew up),with his brother Al, watching Glenn, as he worked out some of their tunes.

Little did I know their basement band would one day become the Eagles.

Oh yeah, then we went to the Egg and I on Woodward for a break and ate burgers & fries ... not Frey's =)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Marky - How Bad Do You Want It?

Tyler - I was going to suggest Sam's Club, but it sounds like you've got your own "club" to play with.

Sassy Pants - What's he got that I haven't got??

Bumble - Mojo Nixon is the anti-Christ.

Ms. Babble - I know you're not the romantic, sensitive type. After all, your last four children were conceived at tractor pulls.

Beth - Please. Dyckerson is a man of culture.

Spitneck - You're banned.

Monster - Lime Wire? Me hopes you like spyware!

Nancy - You knew Glenn when he was a kid??! Tell me more!!

Nancy said...

Dick: I posted a little about it ... look in my archives ...one of the memes. I stayed good friends with his bro Al for awhile ... hey, maybe I should look him up =)

The HOR blogger said...

YAY!! I think you know how I feel about the Eagles. Kick Ass and Fuck the Nay-Sayers! ;)

sputnick said...

Wait! Wait! Don't ban me! I'm an instant convert! I love the Eagles! In fact, I always loved Hotel California! I lipsync to it when it plays at the local bar, especially after five shots of Jameson (I lipsync to pretty much everything after five Jamesons but that's another story). I will buy every available copy and distribute the CD's to the needy! I am starting a new religion called Eaglesism. My 15th kid will christened "Eagles" irrespective of gender. Boss, or should I say Head Priest of Eaglesism, in all fairness, in my defense, with all due respect, it was only in a comment that the rule "No joking about Eagles" was mentioned. There should have been a clearer warning in the main post. So please, show some compassion. I need this blog as much as you need the Eagles. Please unban me. How about a temporary suspension with possibility of full reinstatement pursuant to Eagles-friendly behavior, would that fly?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I would sooner enjoy some Poon than listen to the Eagles.

And that is saying something.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nancy - If I write a love song for Sassy, could you give it to Al and have him give it to Glenn? I'm hoping they can use it on their next album.

HOR - I knew I could count on you to back me up!

Spotnack - That wasn't necessary.

Cherry - I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but you might actually enjoy that.

Tyler Durden said...

Alright, so I bought the damn CD. I did not download it. I also bought and IPhone. Did you notice the stock go up? yes... that was me. You are welcome. You should work in marketing.

~ Stacy ~ said...


Scary Monster said...

OK. Me folded and went out and bought the damnned CD. Not from a record shop mind you. Theres a tiny little guy from thailand nearby who sells folex watches and Praba bags, so Me went and got it from him.

The Beach Boys have never sounded better.Brian Wilson still rocks.


Scary Monster said...

OK. Me folded and went out and bought the damnned CD. Not from a record shop mind you. Theres a tiny little guy from thailand nearby who sells folex watches and Praba bags, so Me went and got it from him.

The Beach Boys have never sounded better.Brian Wilson still rocks.


Christie said...

I love the Eagles, too, but you are over the top gay about them, Dude. Download that shit for free, man.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tyler - Good for you! You won't regret your purchase! (Well, you might regret buying the iPhone. I mean, how fucking stupid can you be??)

Stacy - Righteous!

Monster - Me don't believe you. Me want to see a receipt.

Ms. McFatty - If loving the Eagles is gay, then I don't wanna be straight!

Tyler Durden said...

I'm actually listening to my Eagles CD following your review. You're right. Long Road Out of Eden is with the 11.88.