11/21/2007

Stuff THIS!

Every year around Thanksgiving, bloggers around the world take time to write lameass posts listing all the shit they're thankful for. Some try to be profound; others try to be clever and witty. Well here's a news flash for you: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. I don't think any of you turkey pluckers understand the true meaning of this holiday. Well lucky for you, Dyckerson is here. So sit back, grab your giblets, and prepare to be schooled.....


The first official Thanksgiving occurred in 1619 when a ship full of drunken homersexuals returning from a gay cruise crash landed somewhere upon the shores of Massachusetts. Just then, a group of Indian tech support guys drove by in a beat-up Plymouth Voyager and threw rocks at them. But the queers shielded themselves with their brightly colored turtleneck sweaters, causing the rocks to bounce back and hit the Indians, leaving red marks on their foreheads. Fortunately for the Indians, their telephone headsets prevented them from sustaining any major injuries. The fight was declared a draw, the buttonheads declared peace with the flamers, and the group decided to celebrate by gorging themselves with a shitload of grub.



They all agreed to meet at Mujibar Gupta's wigwam since he had a big screen TV. Everybody had to bring one covered dish. Sir Harry "Butterball" Cox cooked a turkey. Woody "Sweet Potato" Johnson baked a pie. Khadar Patel brought some disgusting curry dish that everybody hated. And Captain Richard Swanson brought some of his frozen TV dinners...but then they remembered the microwave oven hadn't been invented yet, so they ditched them at a homeless shelter.




Things got a little crazy during the feast. Harry dipped his "drumstick" in a vat of gravy and Woody licked it clean in front of everybody. The Indians just ignored it and continued to provide their callers with excellent customer service. But then Habib spilled cranberry sauce on one of Srujana's scripts, causing him to lose his place. Srujana then slammed down his phone and began pelting Habib with scalding hot biscuits, insulting his mother in a foreign language.

Following dinner, the macacas retired to the living room, smoked some tobacco, and watched a televised broadcast of men throwing large spherical objects at one another. Meanwhile, the homersexuals stayed in the kitchen and browsed at the sale ads in the newspaper.




The next morning, the whole gang played hooky from work and headed to the marketplace to take advantage of their doorbuster deals. Sadly, Butterball was trampled to death by a pack of crazed colonists desperate to purchase iPhonographs for their snotty little kids. After filling up the Plymouth with all sorts of cheap American crap, the swamis and the queers parted company and went their separate ways.




And so ends the story of the first Thanksgiving. Now pass the stuffing, dipshit.


21 comments:

BUMBLE!!! said...

I'm thankful that you captured the sentimentality and diversity issues so necessary in this oft misunderstood time.

BUMBLE!!! said...

And since I'm first, I'm thankful that you're going to hook my wonderful self up with whatever prize that was or I'm reporting you to the better business bureau.

marky said...

I am grateful for this. The truth! I had suspected the plymouth rock/pilgrim/indian/turkey yarn was made-up bullshit!

Sassy Blondie said...

I love you...

rob rob the party slob said...

i knew a plymouth voyager had to be involved somehow... it truly is a classic car/minivan but who knew it was around way back in 1619... great investigative reporting...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bimble - Well put. And good luck with the BBB - say hi to Lefty for me. We went to high school together...

Marky - Dyckerson never lies. I get all my information straight from the Enquirer, the most trusted name in journalism.

Sassy - You just made my day! Now I have something to be thankful for! I love you right back, my darling! (Wait, that wasn't the cranberries talking, was it??)

Rob - Time flies, don't it??

Sassy Blondie said...

What??!! Cranberries? I profess love, and you give me some bullshit cranberry story? That's it! I'm done, Dyckerson!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

NO WAIT! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! XOXOXOXOX

Being a man, I was just afraid to expose my vulnerability, so I used humor to mask my true feelings for you!

COME BAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!

Scary Monster said...

Where do Bullwinkle and Rocky come in to the story?

And you totally forgot to tell us about how they fisted the bird.

STOMP.

Maven said...

If it's on the internets, it must be true:) Thanks for a new angle on an old bloated holiday:)

I fart in your general direction:)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

That's not how I remember it from what they told me in school, but this story is a lot more fun. Is that your minivan?

puerileuwaite said...

Where's Poke-a-hantas? Did she come later?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monster - Me be shocked! Were Rocky and Bullwinkle gay too?

Maven - I smell yams.

Dr. K - Don't believe that crap you learned in school. It's all propaganda.

P - Trust me, she came plenty of times.

Sudiegirl said...

who's the chick smokin' da peacepipe?

BottleBlonde said...

Now THIS is what I'm talkin' 'bout! Love the gay porn you got goin' on here. Next time include a train between Woody, Squanto, and a midget clad in leather and assless chaps, please. Thanks.

Beth said...

I used to LOVE getting Swanson TV Dinners!!! Man, the turkey ones were always so good, and the corn and dessert?!!! YUM!

are you letting someone lick the gravy off your peen, Dyck?

UBERMOUTH said...

LMFAO@ turkey pluckers and buttonheads! Fantastic post and thanks for filling me in. Are you British?

Effortlessly Average said...

I knew, I knew that story I heard in school didn't make sense. Now, I have the truth and the truth, shall set you free!!

Ryan said...

This tale needs to be told with Claymation.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sudie - That's my twin sister Molly Dyckerson.

Bot - You're so much better than me.

Beth - Turkey TV dinners, eh? I hear you like the dark meat...

Uber - Me, British??! Bite your tongue! I'm American as apple pie! And just as flaky!

Eff - Don't believe anything you hear in school. It's all government propaganda.

Ryan - Please. This is a low budget blog.

~ Stacy ~ said...

So, like, where was the part where you explained (and I quote) 'the true meaning of this holiday'? 'Cuz I missed it. Not that I care. But I'm just saying, it wasn't very clear.

And hey, clown-face... I'm thankful that your blinking background hasn't triggered a migraine. Yet.

So there!