11/10/2007

Your $$$ At Work


I'm happy to inform you that the Mighty Blog writers' strike may be nearing an end! Yes, the protestors are showing signs of weakening...especially since I put the live scorpions in their shorts. But until the writers are back at work, I thought I would regale you with an insider's look at Dyckerson's day job.

Some bloggers don't like to write about their jobs for fear of being outed. I don't have this fear. I stopped giving a shit long ago, mainly because I hate my fucking job. Basically I work in I.T. for a huge, faceless corporation that steals from its customers and robs its employees of their will to live. That's right, it's an insurance company. I've written about it many times before - like my jackass co-workers...my dipshit managers...and the shitty building itself. But I don't think I've ever shared with you how much goddamn time gets wasted here.

This place has all the efficiency of a toilet filled with bricks. You want to know why your insurance premiums are so fucking high?? Here's what I do in a nut's hell: Each month I receive a file on my computer device. This file contains data. I take the file and move it to another folder on my computer device. (Are you with me so far??) Once the file has been moved to the correct folder, I run a simple application on my computer device. This application copies the data in the file and pastes it into something we call a data warehouse. (Not to be confused with a data whorehouse, which is an entirely different matter.) Anyway, all I have to do to run this application is edit two lines of code and click a few buttons. A Rhesus monkey could do it. Hell, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup could do it.

How long do you think this process takes? An hour or two?? Before you answer, I forgot to tell you I have to document every step I take ad nauseum. When I receive the file, I have to document it. When I move the file, I have to document it. When I copy the file to the data warehouse, I have to document that as well. And once I'm done documenting everything, I have to document the fact that I documented it.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Wait, don't answer yet! I didn't mention the endless meetings and conference calls I must attend nearly EVERY FUCKING DAY. I meet with retarded clients who don't understand why they can't send us data in a different format without telling us. I meet with useless managers who want us to find ways to improve our process so they can look good to THEIR useless managers. I've never had a meeting that didn't end with me having MORE WORK.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Stop right there, Pedro!! I neglected to tell you about the nasty emails from the Refrigerator Nazi and the constant interruptions from my loudmouth cube neighbor and the endless problems with our network that go ignored by our incompetent Help Desk whose members spend their time playing computer Solitaire and Texas Hang 'Em or whatever the fuck it's called.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? A day or two? Maybe a week?? Try ONE MONTH...and that's if I'm LUCKY (which, if you read my blog with any regularity whatsoever, you'll know I am NOT). That's right, a full month is required to move a file and load it into a database. Of course, there's a little more to it than that, but I had to dumb it down a bit for you morons. Still, it shouldn't take THIRTY FUCKING DAYS to load a file.

I can see why so many I.T. jobs are moving to India. I bet those foreign fuckers don't have to comb through tons of email and attend stupid meetings every day. They just go to work, move their files, and return to their tepees where they smoke their crack pipes and make novelty ashtrays to sell to retarded Americans on eBay. Which reminds me, I need to check my account. I hope nobody has outbid me...



23 comments:

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

What do I win for being the first commenter? Is it the ash tray?! Please say it's the ash tray . . .

Why don't you be an injun IT guy? Peace pipes, casinos, and "fire water" sound like good job perks.

puerileuwaite said...

Not only that, but I heard a rumor that all convenience stores in India are run by Americans, and they all practice perfect hygiene.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - Sorry, no ash tray. You'll have to stick your butt somewhere else.

P - Hmmm...Maybe that's where all the hot chicks are.

Little Lamb said...

I thought that type of job took 5 minutes, not a whole month.

The Middle Lifer said...

Sad Dyck, I think I know where you work, and yep, your fucked working there. I know, I used to work there and the so called management is there to keep you in your hole for the rest of your working days. You are truly screwed. You will never advance because you have to be in the "club"
of lawyers, no juris doctorate, no go anywhere. AM I right?

BUMBLE!!! said...

uh, on that note - buy my ebay stuff!!

You truly have to love the endless flow of meetings. I'm sure some former executive who owns a quote book and can plug his other books endlessly has written something about that (then again, I may have been starting to doze in the middle of that class assignment).

Nevertheless, direct these people to Comedy Central - I'm sure they're playing Office Space for the 10,000th time - though I will also add that it never gets old or less important at trying to change the meangingless spazzes of corporate culture.

While I work with people who are often challenged, I will thank Buddah every day that I'm not in the business world - listened to 1 of those nimrods speak yesterday (2 hours and then she made us all tell her what we liked about her speech while giving us her book - I sure hope it's autographed).

If I had to deal with those people on a consistent basis, I'd take a toaster in the shower with me and end it all.

I applaud you for making it through.

Check out the Onion this week - they had a classic article about work getting done more often when you actually do it. Funny stuff.

Scary Monster said...

Seeinn as how a rhesus monkey can do the job, Me thinks that yer bosses hired the right man fer the job.
They actually pay you to do that?

STOMP!

Beth said...

it only takes YOU a month Dyck...cuz you are as dumb as a box of rocks...admit it.

Tyler Durden said...

Data whore house? Is that like a brothel full of hot Oracle DBA whores?

Sassy Blondie said...

Stop your whining, Dyckiepoo! Inefficiency and boredom are a staple of the American Dream! You're still getting paid, right? And really, endless meetings and shitbag coworkers plague us all, no matter our professions. Surely you understood IT had something to do with data? ;)

It could be worse...you could be a telemarketer.

XOXO

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lambo - I thought somebody turned you into lamb chops.

Lifer - You worked at Denny's too? I never would have guessed!

Bumble - Wow. So much information there. Let's schedule a teleconference to discuss further.

Monster - Me not a rhesus, dammit. Me be a howler monkey. WHOOP!

Beth - By a "box of rocks," are you referring to your husband's testicles, which I know you keep in a special container??

Tyler - You should know that "hot" and "DBAs" should never be used in the same sentence.

Sassy - Telemarketing is easy. I can just phone it in.

Don said...

Texas Hang'em is the original Texas Hold'em but played a bit different. In Texas Hang'em you have to "get rid of" the Black Spades.

The Middle Lifer said...

Darn Dyckerson, I was trying to be sympathetic, but you had to giveaway the Denny's gig? They will bust me back to busboy next, or if I am lucky, I get to play seat'em boy.

marky said...

Is that picture on your header of you and randomness marryin'?

sputnick said...

The reason the Mighty Blog will be one of the most popular blogs ever and jump to 30,000 from 3,000,000 at Alexa is the ascerbic wit, the flowing narrative, the guttery pizzazz, and the street cred with which posts such as these are written.

The reason the Mighty Blog will languish near the 3,000,000 mark forever and be frequented by no more than a small circle of acquaintances, most of them personally known to the blogger, is the racial pejoratives and asinine cultural disrespect demonstrated in this post.

Willo Keays said...

I hate Alexa and her stupid ranking system!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don - Well played!

Lifer - Look on the bright side. At least you get a 10% employee discount on the Grand Slam breakfast.

Marky - Randomness and I are through. She has broken my heart one too many times. And, her tits are too small.

Spitnick - Who the fuck is Alexa? And what do all those words mean??!

Willo - You're angry when you're beautiful.

sputnick said...

The words mean you should cross over and go mainstream, and the way to do it is to put the racist in you in the closet, and keep him locked up there until that day in the very distant future when you are old and retired and your glory days as a blogging celebrity are over, and you make a comment to a reporter visiting you on the occasion of your 90th birthday, and you get back into the headlines for a brief moment.

Christie said...

My trick, go get a large fountain Pepsi and add vodka. Sip on that throughout the day. It always made my days so much easier. Or find someone that is crazy enough to hump you and have a nooner.

Sassy Blondie said...

Hey, I just noticed that ashtray is a U of Texas longhorn ashtray! Some silly kid gave me one last year as a Christmas gift...I didn't realize it would sell on eBay! Right now it's still sitting on my desk with paperclips in it. I had to put something in it so that people didn't give me the raised brows when they saw it!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Spatnuck - I'm not a racist. I just hate people who aren't like me.

Ms. McFatty - That sounded like an offer to me! You bring the Vodka, I'll bring the Viagra! ;)

Sassy - I doubt it's the ashtray that's raising people's eyebrows, my love!

Sassy Blondie said...

Just what are you implying, Dyckiepoo? Hmmm?

Sudiegirl said...

The nooner idea sounds good to me.