11/29/2007

Fuck Candlelight Vigils

I have a few things to say about this Sean Taylor business. You know, the Redskins football player who got his ass capped by a supposed "burglar." Look, I'm sorry the dude died. That's gotta be a real bummer. I'm sure his family is really choked up about it, as they should be.

OK, now that we have the politically correct shit out of the way, tell me this. Why the fuck am I supposed to give a rat's ass about some JOCK STRAP FILLER who spent his free time HANGING OUT IN GANGS?? Take a look at this picture:


This guy was no saint. Grandpa Dyckerson had a saying for folks like him: "You sleep with dogs, you're gonna get fleas!" Grandpa Dyckerson also had another saying: "Fuck you, you fucking farting robots! Suck my dead pig!" Yeah, Grandpa Dyckerson wasn't right in the head. But that's another story.

My point is, I don't understand why everybody is bawling over Sean Taylor's death like he was the Pontiff. He didn't cure cancer. He didn't discover Uranus. Hell, he didn't even invent a longer lasting light bulb. All he did was get paid a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY to run around a FUCKING FIELD chasing after an ODDLY SHAPED BALL. I get that he and his team had fans. What I DON'T get is how anybody with even ONE OUNCE OF SANITY can fill up their SUVs with gasoline at three bucks a gallon, drop another fifty on flowers and shit, and drive all the way to fucking ASHBURN to hold a fucking CANDLELIGHT VIGIL for this numbnut. Don't these idiots have anything BETTER TO DO with their time and money??!

Now before you accuse me of being an insensitive prick, keep this in mind: PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY. Good, decent, hard-working people like you and me. Well, me at least. I'm talking about DOCTORS and NURSES and TEACHERS and PORN STARS and LEGGY SUPERMODELS and POP SINGERS and MONKEY CLOWN BLOGGERS. These are people who deserve our RESPECT and ADMIRATION. You don't see anybody erecting statues for us when we croak!

So stop fawning and drooling all over these JACKASS JOCKS like they're gods and show some appreciation for our REAL HEROES...



11/26/2007

More Shit

My dear friends, today I'd like to talk to you about Medialine. Medialine is a web site that can be found on the Internets via the World Wide Web. It's a job posting site for people who are unfortunate enough to work in the TV industry. Hopefully none of you fall into that category, but the folks at Medialine do have a new and improved message board called Open Line Forum. This was the birthplace of Mighty Dyckerson.

With over 6,000 witty and insightful posts spanning over five years, I am somewhat of an icon there. And now, YOU, my loyal Mighty Blog readers, can join the fun!! All you have to do is click this link to Open Line Forum and register today! When you do, you'll be joining an exciting online community filled with lively discussion, hilarious comedy, and much much more! Plus I'll be gaining valuable referral points I can redeem for fabulous prizes!

I know what you're thinking: "But Dyckerson, I don't work in the media!" Well no problemo, senor! Medialine's Open Line Forum has a general discussion board designed especially for you! You can talk about anything from politics and current events to flatulence and body odor! And that's just ONE THREAD! So what are you waiting for?? Sign up today!!!!!

********************

While we're on the subject of the media, I thought I'd share with you a story from my days working behind the scenes in local TV. One of my earlier jobs was working in master control at a small independent station. Part of this job required me to make dubs of commercials to air during the station's programming. Pretty dull shit. Anyway, one day I had to dub off a copy of a hearing aid commercial. As a little experiment, I thought it would be interesting to dub the on-air copy without audio. That way, everybody would be running to their phones to order hearing aids!! So I dubbed the spot and stuck the tape on the shelf. It aired dozens of times for several months.....but nobody noticed.

True story.

11/21/2007

Stuff THIS!

Every year around Thanksgiving, bloggers around the world take time to write lameass posts listing all the shit they're thankful for. Some try to be profound; others try to be clever and witty. Well here's a news flash for you: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. I don't think any of you turkey pluckers understand the true meaning of this holiday. Well lucky for you, Dyckerson is here. So sit back, grab your giblets, and prepare to be schooled.....


The first official Thanksgiving occurred in 1619 when a ship full of drunken homersexuals returning from a gay cruise crash landed somewhere upon the shores of Massachusetts. Just then, a group of Indian tech support guys drove by in a beat-up Plymouth Voyager and threw rocks at them. But the queers shielded themselves with their brightly colored turtleneck sweaters, causing the rocks to bounce back and hit the Indians, leaving red marks on their foreheads. Fortunately for the Indians, their telephone headsets prevented them from sustaining any major injuries. The fight was declared a draw, the buttonheads declared peace with the flamers, and the group decided to celebrate by gorging themselves with a shitload of grub.



They all agreed to meet at Mujibar Gupta's wigwam since he had a big screen TV. Everybody had to bring one covered dish. Sir Harry "Butterball" Cox cooked a turkey. Woody "Sweet Potato" Johnson baked a pie. Khadar Patel brought some disgusting curry dish that everybody hated. And Captain Richard Swanson brought some of his frozen TV dinners...but then they remembered the microwave oven hadn't been invented yet, so they ditched them at a homeless shelter.




Things got a little crazy during the feast. Harry dipped his "drumstick" in a vat of gravy and Woody licked it clean in front of everybody. The Indians just ignored it and continued to provide their callers with excellent customer service. But then Habib spilled cranberry sauce on one of Srujana's scripts, causing him to lose his place. Srujana then slammed down his phone and began pelting Habib with scalding hot biscuits, insulting his mother in a foreign language.

Following dinner, the macacas retired to the living room, smoked some tobacco, and watched a televised broadcast of men throwing large spherical objects at one another. Meanwhile, the homersexuals stayed in the kitchen and browsed at the sale ads in the newspaper.




The next morning, the whole gang played hooky from work and headed to the marketplace to take advantage of their doorbuster deals. Sadly, Butterball was trampled to death by a pack of crazed colonists desperate to purchase iPhonographs for their snotty little kids. After filling up the Plymouth with all sorts of cheap American crap, the swamis and the queers parted company and went their separate ways.




And so ends the story of the first Thanksgiving. Now pass the stuffing, dipshit.


11/18/2007

Virginia is for Bloggers

And now, a message from Mighty Dyckerson, ambassador and unofficial spokesdyck for the Commonwealth of Virginia Board of Tourism...

Virginia is a state rich in history and natural beauty. Founded in 1776 by Virginius W. Cornholio, it is home to over 10,000 people and nearly 400 species of wildlife*. The economy is thriving**, the crime rate is low***, and the job market is strong****. Bottom line, Virginia is a terrific place to live...especially if you're a certain sassy blonde who is thinking about relocating and raising a family.

There is plenty to see and do in our fair state. You'll find endless beauty from the white sands of Virginia Beach.....








.....to the majestic peaks of the Blue Ridge Mountains.







Virginia is also home to historic Jamestown where you can buy postcards with pictures of gay homosexuals and clever captions that say "Visit Jamestown."






Another interesting fact about Virginia: TV's Andy Griffith once took a dump at a rest stop in Manassas while on his way home to North Carolina!






Let's say you're getting on in years and are nearing retirement age. Virginia's assisted living facilities are among the best in the nation!***** And you can die here knowing your body will be buried in some of the most fertile soil on the entire eastern seaboard!******

So what are you waiting for? Come one, come all to Virginia!!!



* These are rough estimates. Emphasis on ROUGH.
** Especially if you're in the illegal narcotics business.
*** If you don't count murders, thefts, and assaults.
**** McDonald's is always hiring.
***** OK, I completely made that one up.
****** Granted that's not saying much.



11/14/2007

Trails And Tribulations

I have new respect for the DyckMobile. Last weekend I took her to the mountains with a group of 4-wheeling rednecks for an off road adventure. I thought it would be a good opportunity to connect with nature and possibly score some hillbilly poon. You see, I had offered my empty seats to two female non-Jeep owners whom I had yet to meet. I was hoping at least one of them would look like Daisy Duke - you know, before she got old and fat. Boy was I wrong.

We met at an Exxon station near the trail head. Chick #1 was this short, squatty, rather talkative creature. I don't want to say this woman was ugly, but I've seen better looking bitches in Michael Vick's back yard. Chick #2 was a middle aged broad - divorced, grown kids, etc. I could practically hear her hoo-ha drying up from ten feet away. Yeah, this was going to be a fun day.

First thing you have to do before doing any serious off roading is air down your tires to improve traction. This rather complicated process involves jamming a key into your valve stems to allow air to escape. My passengers offered to assist, but seeing as they didn't know what the fuck a valve stem was, I opted to do it myself. I wasn't about to put the DyckMobile in the hands of two clueless cackling hens.

As I finished deflating the last tire, Chick #1 piped up: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN!" she screamed.

"Are you sure about that?" I asked her. "It's going to be pretty chilly once we get moving."

Her response: "PUT THE TOP DOWN! PUT THE TOP DOWN! WOO HOO!"

Chick #2 didn't give a damn one way or another, so reluctantly I removed the vinyl windows and lowered the canvas top. Then I brushed myself off, hopped back in the Heep, and started on our way.

At first, it was just dirt and gravel. If I had to compare the size of these rocks to one of my co-bloggers, I'd say they were about the size of Ms. Babble's ta-tas. So small, you really couldn't feel anything. I tried to take in the fresh air and enjoy the scenery, but Chick #1 wasn't having it.

"I'M COLD! PUT THE TOP UP!" she whined. I knew this was coming.

I muttered a string a four-letter words as I struggled to reassemble the top half of the DyckMobile. Meanwhile, the post-menopausal chick whipped out her digital camera and began snapping photos of anything and everything. You'd think this broad had never seen a squirrel before.

"MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING! MY CAMERA'S NOT WORKING!" she whined. I ripped it out of her wrinkled claws and chucked it into a stream.

Further along the trail, the rocks got considerably larger. I'd say about the size of Sassy Blondie's boobies. As I'm sure you can imagine, the DyckMobile was hopping and bouncing all over the place. It was all I could do to maintain control of my penis...I mean, the wheel.

"WOO-HOO! GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" yelled Chick #1.

I might have been turned on by that statement if she hadn't looked like Humpty Dumpty. Instead, she was just pissing me off. And did I mention the dime store perfume she was wearing?? Two weeks have gone by, and the DyckMobile STILL reeks of that bitch!

We bounced around for another hour and then stopped for lunch. Unfortunately there was no Burger Hole in the wilderness, so I had to settle for a cold bologna sandwich and a juice box. I felt like I was in fucking grammar school again. At this point I had to pee like a race horse, so I sneaked away from the group and knocked some bark off a tree.

The remainder of the trail was quite challenging. The biggest rocks yet - almost the size of RevRee's knockers. I was afraid we would bottom out or get stuck, but thanks to my superior driving skills, I was able to maneuver over and around the massive obstacles.

"GO FASTER! GO FASTER! WOO HOO!" screamed Humpty Dumpty.

I stopped the vehicle and turned around. "LISTEN HERE, YOU FAT FUCK! WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN JEEP, YOU CAN ABUSE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT. BUT THIS ONE IS MINE, AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO PAY FOR MY FRONT END ALIGNMENT, I SUGGEST YOU LET ME DO THE DRIVING! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP OR YOU'LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT OUT HERE!!!"

I might have gone a bit too far there. I really need to do something about my temper.

Finally we reached the end of the trail and I was able to dump the two broads by the side of the road. But I have to say, I'm quite proud of the DyckMobile for surviving the trip. Now if I could only get it to stop smelling like a five dollar whore.....

11/10/2007

Your $$$ At Work


I'm happy to inform you that the Mighty Blog writers' strike may be nearing an end! Yes, the protestors are showing signs of weakening...especially since I put the live scorpions in their shorts. But until the writers are back at work, I thought I would regale you with an insider's look at Dyckerson's day job.

Some bloggers don't like to write about their jobs for fear of being outed. I don't have this fear. I stopped giving a shit long ago, mainly because I hate my fucking job. Basically I work in I.T. for a huge, faceless corporation that steals from its customers and robs its employees of their will to live. That's right, it's an insurance company. I've written about it many times before - like my jackass co-workers...my dipshit managers...and the shitty building itself. But I don't think I've ever shared with you how much goddamn time gets wasted here.

This place has all the efficiency of a toilet filled with bricks. You want to know why your insurance premiums are so fucking high?? Here's what I do in a nut's hell: Each month I receive a file on my computer device. This file contains data. I take the file and move it to another folder on my computer device. (Are you with me so far??) Once the file has been moved to the correct folder, I run a simple application on my computer device. This application copies the data in the file and pastes it into something we call a data warehouse. (Not to be confused with a data whorehouse, which is an entirely different matter.) Anyway, all I have to do to run this application is edit two lines of code and click a few buttons. A Rhesus monkey could do it. Hell, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup could do it.

How long do you think this process takes? An hour or two?? Before you answer, I forgot to tell you I have to document every step I take ad nauseum. When I receive the file, I have to document it. When I move the file, I have to document it. When I copy the file to the data warehouse, I have to document that as well. And once I'm done documenting everything, I have to document the fact that I documented it.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Wait, don't answer yet! I didn't mention the endless meetings and conference calls I must attend nearly EVERY FUCKING DAY. I meet with retarded clients who don't understand why they can't send us data in a different format without telling us. I meet with useless managers who want us to find ways to improve our process so they can look good to THEIR useless managers. I've never had a meeting that didn't end with me having MORE WORK.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? Stop right there, Pedro!! I neglected to tell you about the nasty emails from the Refrigerator Nazi and the constant interruptions from my loudmouth cube neighbor and the endless problems with our network that go ignored by our incompetent Help Desk whose members spend their time playing computer Solitaire and Texas Hang 'Em or whatever the fuck it's called.

NOW how long do you think this process takes? A day or two? Maybe a week?? Try ONE MONTH...and that's if I'm LUCKY (which, if you read my blog with any regularity whatsoever, you'll know I am NOT). That's right, a full month is required to move a file and load it into a database. Of course, there's a little more to it than that, but I had to dumb it down a bit for you morons. Still, it shouldn't take THIRTY FUCKING DAYS to load a file.

I can see why so many I.T. jobs are moving to India. I bet those foreign fuckers don't have to comb through tons of email and attend stupid meetings every day. They just go to work, move their files, and return to their tepees where they smoke their crack pipes and make novelty ashtrays to sell to retarded Americans on eBay. Which reminds me, I need to check my account. I hope nobody has outbid me...



11/06/2007

STRIKE!

There's a major crisis here at the headquarters of Mighty Blog. Last night at exactly 12:01am, my entire writing staff walked off the job complaining of low wages and poor working conditions. People, I am in shock here! I'm the greatest boss in the world! It even says so on the coffee mug I bought for myself from Target!

Low wages??! I pay each and every one of my writers in authentic "Dyck Dollars," which can be used to purchase a wide assortment of Mighty Dyckerson merchandise at the Mighty Blog Novelty Shoppe. For example, with their employee discount, writers can acquire one of my gently used condoms for only $90 Dyck Dollars! That's nearly 1% off the retail price!*

Poor working conditions??! WTF? My writers get relatively clean drinking water and two heaping bowls of rice every day...plus I personally hose down their cages at least once a month. Now while it is true that underperforming writers are subject to random tasing, I would hardly consider that a bad thing. So one guy died last week. The fans come first! Besides, how was I supposed to know the bastard had a fucking pacemaker??

Anyway, until we can get this misunderstanding cleared up, you may notice a few changes around here. First, there will be far fewer jokes about poon, poop, and Ms. Babble's illegitimate children. Instead, expect to read more jokes about Ovaltine, airplane peanuts, and Ms. Babble's sexual promiscuity.

In addition, I may occasionally have to resort to reusing old material. I will make every effort to ensure that these insertions are as seamless as possible. You probably won't even notice it. (Did I tell you about that tramp Ms. Babble?? Geez, does she ever get around!!)

And finally, many of my witty, satirical posts will be replaced by grainy cell phone pictures of Miracle Ass:




But fear not, Dyck fans! I have several bargaining tools at my disposal, and I am quite confident that we can negotiate a deal that is fair and just.....




* Not including 5% sales tax and 10% processing fee.

11/03/2007

They're Back!!!

I'm talking, of course, about the best freakin' band the world has ever known - The Eagles, baby! That's Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Timothy B. Schmit, and the incomparable DON HENLEY! Last week they released their first studio album in 28 years! It's called LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN, and it's available exclusively at your local Wal-Mart and/or Sam's Club store. If you have not already purchased this fine piece of musical brilliance, then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??! This two-disc album contains 20 songs and sells at a price point of $11.88 - that's less than 60 CENTS PER SONG! A full 39 CENTS CHEAPER than iTunes! Plus, it includes a handy CARDBOARD SLEEVE to store your CD's *AND* a booklet containing LYRICS, ALBUM CREDITS, and pictures of ELDERLY MEN and SAND. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!



Perhaps you're wondering if the boys still have the touch after all these years. Well allow me to allay your fears by dissecting LONG ROAD OUT OF EDEN track by track!

No More Walks in the Wood - The album starts off with this haunting tune sung acapulco by all four members of the band. It's Seven Bridges Road, only about trees instead of bridges!

How Long - This J.D. Souther cover sounds like a cross between Take It Easy and Already Gone. The Eagles used to play this in concerts in the early 70s...now it's back for all to enjoy! Check out the music video on YouTube!

Busy Being Fabulous - Instant classic! With lead vocals by Mr. Henley, this catchy tune has a bit of a Lyin' Eyes sentiment in the lyrics.

What Do I Do With My Heart - I've only listened to this one a couple of times. I don't remember, but I think it's about organ donation. Sung by Glenn Frey.

Guilty Of The Crime - Originally by the Bellamy Brothers, whom I've never heard of. They should be thanking Joe Walsh for breathing new life into their otherwise shitty music.

I Don't Want To Hear Anymore - One of Timothy Schmit's two contributions on the album, this tune has a soulful, I Can't Tell You Why feel to it.

Waiting In The Weeds - "I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows/While peacocks prance and strut up on the stage." First-ever peacock reference in an Eagles song! Chicks are sure to dig this sensitive shit.

No More Cloudy Days - Previously released on the Live From Melbourne DVD. A good song, but it sounds like a reject from one of Glenn Frey's forgettable solo albums.

Fast Company - Mr. Henley showcases his incredible vocal range by singing this entire song falsetto. God bless him!

Do Something - A lovely tune sung by Timothy Schmit with a bridge by Mr. Henley. Another sensitive song that's sure to have the bitches nice and moist!

Long Road Out Of Eden - Disc 2 starts out with this Don Henley opus. Clocks in at over ten minutes, but feels like only five. THAT'S HOW FUCKING GOOD IT IS! "
Went down the road to Damascus, the road to Mandalay/Met the ghost of Caesar on the Appian Way." Holy shit, I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but it sounds damn impressive! Excellent guitar work by Joseph Walsh. The $11.88 is worth it for this song alone!

I Dreamed There Was No War - An instrumental piece of crap by Glenn Frey. You have my permission to skip this track.

Somebody - Finally Glenn redeems himself! This spooky rocker has a Witchy Woman-ish sound.

Frail Grasp On The Big Picture -
"All your romantic liasons/Don't deal with eternal questions like/Who left the cap off the freaking toothpaste?/Whose turn to take the garbage out?" Who says Don Henley doesn't have a sense of humor??!

Last Good Time In Town - Classic Walsh! 'Nuff said!

I Love To Watch A Woman Dance - Mr. Henley said in an interview that he felt there were a few tracks that shouldn't have been on the album. Undoubtedly this piece of shit sung by Glenn Frey is one of them.

Business As Usual - "
Monuments to arrogance reach for the sky/Our better nature's buried in the rubble/We got the prettiest White House that money can buy/Sitting up there in that beltway bubble." Don's pissed, and he ain't gonna take it anymore! Dirty Laundry, only BETTER!

Center Of The Universe - Another haunting tune with some beautiful harmonies. Hell, now I'M getting moist!!

It's Your World Now - Disc 2 concludes with this Mexican sounding tune reminiscent of Tequila Sunrise. A fitting ending to what will probably be the band's last album.


Now RUN - don't drive - to your nearest Wal-Mart and BUY THIS FUCKING ALBUM! And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!!!!