10/19/2007

A Night at the Oprah

Lambo isn't the only blogger who has been sending me disturbing correspondences. Last week I received rather a suspicious plain white envelope in the mail from our old friend RevRee. I immediately sent it to the boys in the lab* to have it tested for anthrax and nerve gas, but luckily it turned out negative. Upon opening the package, I was overcome by noxious fumes emanating from deep inside. For a moment I thought I would have to fire the boys in the lab and get me some new boys. But I was later informed by RevRee that the caustic substance was commercially available form of perfume known as a "body splash." Now I don't know about you, but I always thought "body splash" was something that happened on the toilet after eating too much chili.

I dumped the contents of the package on the kitchen counter. The first thing that caught my eye was a greeting card with a black and white photo of a somewhat homely woman in a cheerleading outfit. Printed on the inside of the card: "Edward was secretly amused after winning the title of Miss Lubbock." And scribbled underneath was something to the effect of, "HA HA HA, isn't that funny??!" Sorry RevRee, but the only greeting cards I enjoy are the ones that contain cash. But thanks anyway.

The other item contained in this package was a gold, shiny disc-shaped object with the words "OPRAH DAVE" written in black magic marker. Must be a CD by some new rock group, I thought. But then I remembered: Eight years ago, RevRee promised to send me a DVD of David Letterman's appearance on the Oprah show. (Apparently the mail is a little slow in the Podunk town she lives in.)

Before I continue, let's set the record straight. I do not like Oprah or any of her book club joining, spirit feeling, Maya Angelou worshiping followers. These brainwashed yentas and their scented candles are a danger to society and need to be stopped. However, I do enjoy the comedy stylings of Mr. David Letterman, a man who rarely appears on other peoples' shows. So it was with great anticipation that I slid the OPRAH DAVE disc in my DVD player.

I don't think I've ever sat through an entire Oprah program in my entire life...and after sitting through this DVD, now I know why. The show begins with Oprah's grand entrance. I swear to you, when this woman walks into a room, it was like the second coming of Christ. I haven't heard so much hooting and hollering since alcohol-induced night of debauchery with a certain Ms. Babble. Oprah's intro was shot with approximately 37 cameras, NONE OF WHICH appear to be in focus. I'm guessing that's the way Oprah likes it.

Oprah said a few words to her loyal subjects, but it was hard to hear anything over the cackling and screaming. Finally, Dave came out and took a seat in one of Oprah's oversized, overpadded chairs. Oprah then proceeded to ask Dave a series of predictable questions about fatherhood, being a comedian, and surviving a sextuple heart bypass. Really groundbreaking material.

I just don't get it. How the fuck did this no-talent nappy headed ho get to be fucking famous?? What do you bitches see in her anyway??! Geez, if you're going to idolize somebody, it should be a MAN...and that man should be ME!

To add insult to injury, Dave didn't even do the full hour. The second half of the show consisted of a mind blowing interview with the one and only Lisa Marie Presley, who spoke for 20 minutes about what it's like having Presley for a last name. Oprah reached for a box of Kleenex as the obligatory sobbing began. It was at this point that I snatched the DVD from the player, tossed it in my own Presley, and shat upon it with great vigor. (Can you say IRONY???)

Now let that serve as a lesson for the rest of you. If you're thinking of sending me a package, that package better contain CASH, PORN, or a combination of cash AND porn. You got that??!



* I do not have a lab, nor do I have any boys. Unless you count my houseboy Pepe.


22 comments:

RevRee said...

I WIN!!! What's my prize?

#1. There was no body splash on your "package" that was just the sweet, natural aroma of me!

#2. That card WAS damn funny!

#3. What was that thing on Dave's glasses the entire segment???

~ Stacy ~ said...

Poon, poon, poon, poon, poon!

(I couldn't think of anything else to say, and I know how much you appreciate poon.)

ADW said...

"Gimme back my houseboy!!!"

-shouted in the same tone as Mel Gibson a la Ransom.

sputnick said...

If said no-talent nappy headed ho were to invite you to appear on her show, would you accept?

The Middle Lifer said...

The pic of Oprah looks like she found out her Stedman is a tranny...
Thats one scary biatch....

Stan!! said...

Pepe? 'sounds like he might once have belonged to Hor.
Oprah is a man-hating bitch. If a man hated women as much as she hates men, he would be put in a psycho ward. If you see what I mean, Dyck.
I suspect you do...

BottleBlonde said...

I wouldn't fuck with Oprah if I were you. The last man who lambasted her was left with nothing but a mangina and the words, "You Bettuh Recognize, Bitch!" etched in his forehead.

BUMBLE!!! said...

When Oprah sent the Oprites loose on William Faulkner, who is a great but inaccessible writer (at least to the average Oprah fan that just wants to be told to read Tony Morrison and vote for Barak Obama), it was hilarious thinking that people would pay for 70 year old stream of consciousness writing from the Deep South, but alas, she did, and somehow, the viewers just keep gobbling up her stuff the way Oprah consumes endless platefuls of stuff from Old Country Buffet (when she's not crash dieting).

The fact that she's that successful with the day time TV crowd (who obviously can't be employed if they're watching her at that time - this was before TIVO people) just says the dreadful state America is in.

I too sat through 1 episode of her shlockfest - the Dave Chappelle 1... craptacular.

Feed this woman to the lions.

puerileuwaite said...

Wait. She had your address, access to Internet "How to construct a letter bomb" sites, and sent that stuff instead? At the very least, Rev could've coated the card with some Anthrax powder. Geez.

Little Lamb said...

I've been added.

Sassy Blondie said...

Perhaps there is not one single soul in the world that loves Oprah as much as she loves herself.

Poor Dave...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - I was going to say you won the booby prize, but apparently you already have one.

Stacy - I think that pretty much says it all.

ADW - Actually, Mel Gibson's houseboy is a Jew.

Spotnuck - Well yeah, but that's beside the point!

Lifer - Oprah already knows the truth about Stedman. Who do you think buys his dresses??

Stan - Plenty of men hate women. We call them homersexuals.

Bot - I'm not afraid of Oprah. I have a BLOG read by DOZENS of people EVERY DAY. Let's see her top that!

Bamble - Is that the one where Dave Chapelle jumps on the couch and admits he's gay?

P - Well technically, the Oprah DVD was a bomb...

Lambo - Take it to the Hole.

Blondie - I think Dr. Phil is a close second.

Dixie said...

I hate Oprah.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Actually, that would be the 1 where Dave Chappelle realizes that the only reason he was funny was because he was playing into white stereotypes. He then cries into Oprah's bosom and it seems a little odd for him so he goes back to stupid marijuana jokes for 8th graders (half baked).

MsPuddin said...

sTOP talking about oprahs nappy hair, i think it is where she hides her xtra face...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dixie - Are you sure you're a woman?

Bimble - Did he do his Rick James line?

Puddin - I'm afraid to ask where she hides her extra stomach.

Patti said...

There is only one Oprah show I think you'd like. It's one she did with her newest "expert doctor" and all they do is talk about POOP. No lie. I think his "expert" advice was that if you look into the bowl after you do-the-doo, lay down a twosie, dump a load of bricks etc...if you are healthy it should be in the shape of an "S". Otherwise you only have 6 months to live or something like that. Mine comes out shaped like a "Z" so I figure I may actually be getting younger. Neat huh?

Anyway, way to go all estrogen on us. When's your period due and which Danielle Steel book are you reading?

heh.

karla said...

It doesn't surprise me that you're a big, gay, Oprah-watching homo. I bet you were wearing your Don Henley belly-shirt and rubbing pumpkin-scented lotion on your legs while you watched the show.

Effortlessly Average said...

Uh, hello-ooo I sent you cash and porn and you sent it back with a note saying it had to be Pesos and circus animal porn. Geez, get picky why doncha.

Webmiztris said...

the oprah obsession AND the greeting card obsession 99% of women seem to have makes me embarrassed to be a chick myself. oh, and don't forget about chick lit, romantic comedies, soap operas and Tupperware parties.

*sigh*

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Patti - Oprah's poop comes out covered in gold and smelling like roses.

Ms. Babble - I'll have to ask you once again to PLEASE stop fantasizing about me and my legs. You're creeping me out.

Eff - My apologies. I'll set up a PayAmigo account.

Miz - Do they still have Tupperware parties?? What is this, 1985???

sudiegirl said...

Wow!

I've never been a poon wrangler before. Is that any thing like being a vajayjay ajent?

Or a purveyor of pussy?

INquiring minds wanna know.