10/08/2007

I'm All Shook Up

The other night I was in desperate need of a ballcock, so I decided to pay a visit to the local Lowe's Home Improvement Whorehouse to check out their fall line of plumbing fixtures. As I browsed amongst the faucets, nozzles, and assorted other paraphernalia, I came across something so amazing...so astounding...so REVOLUTIONARY...that it will forever change the way you look at toilets! A picture is worth a thousand turds, and lucky for you, I had my trusty camera phone with me. Ladies and germs, I am proud to present to you.....the PRESLEY!!!



Yes, it's really called the Presley - a throne truly fit for a "King"...or a really fat bastard who sings horrible music. Check out those sleek lines and those sexy, glistening curves. See that curvy protrusion behind the bowl and under the tank?? THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT GOES!!! Too bad it's not made of glass so you can watch it go down when you flush. I haven't drooled this much since I first unwrapped my Onkyo TX-SR505S! Too bad the Presley doesn't come in silver so they'd match. As I stood there among the many onlookers basking at its porcelain splendor, I was overcome by the urge to eat a PB & banana sandwich and gyrate my hips. I thought to myself, Dyckerson, you were meant to die upon this toilet. But with a price of $179 plus installation, this crapper was too rich for my blood.



Still, you're probably wondering if I took it for a test drive. What kind of a sick, deranged nut job do you think I am??! Of COURSE I did!! It was easy too, thanks to that Burrito Supreme I had for lunch that day. Even without a water supply, the Presley didn't disappoint. The mere sensation of my ass cheeks pressed up against the contours of that chilly seat was enough to send me to the brink of orgasm. There wasn't a square of bathroom tissue to be found, but fortunately a Lowe's associate from the lumber section let me borrow a 2x4.

That reminds me, I need to send that good samaritan a thank you note.


28 comments:

Yeah Him said...

Now I've got the Dead Milkmen in my head...

When my time comes
That's how I wanna go -
Stoned and fat and wealthy
And sitting on the bowl
Lots of people say
That it's sad The King is gone
Well Elvis might be dead
But his cash flow lives on

http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/D/thedeadmilkmenlyrics/thedeadmilkmengoingtogracelandlyrics.htm

Classic Philly punk from back in the day...

And don't forget MOjo Nixon's Elvis is Everywhere either.

puerileuwaite said...

I heard a rumor that if you try to take a wiz after getting the Clap, it plays "Burnin' Love".

stan the caddy said...

If I were the Lowe's guy regarding the contents of said bowl I think I would have to "Return to Sender". Did you get the ballcock?

Christie said...

Didn't they do that in Jackass 2?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Him - Nice, but learn how to post a fucking link in the comments section.

P - Don't be cruel.

Caddy - No, all the ballcocks were recalled. Something about too much lead paint on the cocks.

Bride of McFatty - Completely different. That was an Ace Hardware Store, and the toilet was a Kohler.

ADW said...

Nary a poon is sight. WTF Dyck?

sputnick said...

So according to their website this Presley model is a "high performance" toilet, right? Does that mean it is not lo-flush? I remember Dave Barry used to go on crusades against lo-flushes. I was thinking the other day that Dyckerson might just be the one to inherit Dave's throne after his retirement. I consider it appropriate, therefore, that Dyckerson gushes about a high-performance toilet. The torch has been passed on, and is now in equally talented, if far more vulgar, hands.

Stan!! said...

Dyck, you should try Turkish-style toilets. If you are not familiar with these particular devices, let me explain. The toilet in question is basically a sloped opening in the floor with a sort of flush. There are convenient footprint indentations on either side of the hole and you have to squat over the opening. Now, there are actually advantages to this. You can get a better, more complete evacuation in a squatting position than in a raised, sitting one and it’s possible that people stay more limber into their old age for having to do this. Dyck, you might also be interested to learn that in Turkey, they don't flush the toilet paper....they put it in the trash can next to the toilet. Indeed, the smell is often so bad, you don't want to use the freakin' toilet. Of course, you have to bring your own toilet paper… ‘ain’t gonna be none supplied. Think about it. Ah, the stories I could tell....

Christie said...

You know I am so much more than McFatty's wife, right?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - There's more to Dyckerson than poon alone!

Sputnik - No low-flush crapper shall ever enter my home. I like a bowl big enough to swim in. And Dave Barry should've retired 15 years ago.

Stan - I've seen pictures of the Turkish terlets. I'll stick with good ol' American ingenuity...although I do enjoy a fully evacuated rectum.

Lady McFatty - If you play your cards right, you could be Dyckerson's mistress! *SMOOCHES*

Beth said...

Where'd you put the 2x4 dyck? just wonderin.....

Toryssa said...

I'm sure there were far more interesting things in this post, but I could not get past BALLCOCK. What the fuck is a ballcock?

Christie said...

Awesome, something to strive for!

Sassy Blondie said...

Fascinating...but not. Why men pitch a tent in Lowe's and Home Depotis a mystery to me. I should say it WAS a mystery...now I know: shitters.

Pud said...

Ahhh...toilet shopping never loses its excitement

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Come over and I'll show you. You can even help me remove the splinters.

Toryssa - Silly girl!

Blondie - It's a guy thing. You wouldn't understand.

Pud - Show me your ta-tas!

UBERMOUTH said...

What a horrid lil clown you are! :)

Patti said...

I was driving around this past weekend and think I spotted Casa de Dyck (I was a long way from home....I needed "me" time so suck it).

I didn't want to intrude on your "happy hour" so I didn't stare but dude, next time you're on your throne you might draw the shades or something. geez

The HOR blogger said...

Ooooo I love going in and looking at all the fancy shit-stations! I HAVE wondered why it is that the expensive models DO show "where the shit goes" you know all molded out and fancy like. What gives with that?

Is it wrong that I thought "COOL!!!" When you mentioned one with a see through shit tube? It'd be like a show everytime! Who needs a see-through phone or fish or calculator when you could have a see through toilet.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Uber - You know you love me!

Patti - I like to leave the shades up so I can wave at the passers-by...and when I'm on the shitter, I can wave without using my hands.

Hor - I think all fixtures and appliances should be see-through. How about a frig with a glass door, so you don't have to open it to see what's in there??

The HOR blogger said...

Dyck - That WOULD be the shit but then I'd have to like CLEAN it so when people show up they won't see the science project that is my fridge.

Patti said...

and here I thought you'd lost all of your fingers in a tragic bishop flogging accident...

Crashtest Comic said...

Elvis used to wash himself with a sponge on a stick.

That's why his close friends used to call him "Smell-vis" and "Hunka Hunka Burning Horseshit."

(behind his back of course.)

BottleBlonde said...

Ballcock. Is that the first cousin of the ball gag? 'Cause if it is, I'm buying one.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - Simple, just install some vertical blinds.

Patti - I told you never to mention that!

Comic - You really need to get some better material.

Bot - Women. You have no appreciation for ballcocks.

UBERMOUTH said...

YOu have been to my blog do you think I am all about spreading love?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Nice legs, Mr. Dyckerson. What a charming picture of you sitting on your throne in an Elvis mask and blue-banded boxers. ;)

Um, wth is in your bathtub?

Webmiztris said...

i don't think The King would approve of that toilet. where's the rhinestones and tassles?