10/03/2007

Head in the Class

I have just found my new career!

I was watching the evening news the other night, and they had this story about a shortage of male teachers in public schools. According to the report, only about 10% of elementary school teachers are men. Do you know what that means? That means 90% are WOMEN! In other words, there's NINE CHICKS for every ONE DUDE in our nation's classrooms! I LIKE THOSE NUMBERS!! Gentlemen, say adios to the smoky, crowded singles bars and expensive online dating sites like Snatch.com. All the REAL POON is hiding behind the podiums in school! I'm signing up TODAY!!!

Now don't get me wrong. Getting laid isn't my only motivation for being a teacher. How about those CUSHY HOURS?? I've never met a female teacher that didn't GRIPE AND WHINE about having to grade papers at night and tutor kids in the afternoon. Well BOO FUCKING HOO. Those bitches HAVE IT MADE! Teachers get off every major holiday, every bullshit holiday, and a whopping THREE MONTHS in the summer! Obviously they've never worked in the REAL WORLD - otherwise they wouldn't be pissing and moaning so much.

And even when they ARE working, they're not REALLY working. In a typical day, how much time do you think the average teacher actually spends teaching? Let's see, there's homeroom - nothing to do there but call roll. Then there's study hall - again, more babysitting. Then a planning period or two. Then they pass out some busy work or maybe show a filmstrip (remember those??). Then it's time for lunch, followed by another planning period in the afternoon, and you're done!!

Oh, and if you happen to get tired of all the teacher poon, just take a look at some of these girls today! Holy shit, some of them little teeny boppers could EASILY pass for 18! I can't wait to start an after-school "tutoring" program in my boudoir! Although this quote from the article has me a little troubled: "Grown men who express physical affection for small children can be accused of being pedophiles." Are you kidding me??! Is pedophilia really frowned upon in classrooms? Because if it is, somebody needs to have a talk with my 6th grade P.E. teacher.

Yeah, I know there's that whole issue with pay. Supposedly teachers don't make a lot of coin, and that does concern me. I'd have to trade my five-figure salary for.....another five-figure salary where the first figure is smaller. But think about it. First of all, you got JOB SECURITY. You can go anywhere in the country and find a teaching gig. Get caught fucking a student in the girls' locker room? No problem! Just resign and move to another district!! Then you got your GOVERNMENT PERKS. Teachers work a paltry 35 weeks a year...and on top of that, they get pensions, paid tuitions, 401Ks, and all kinds of freebies and discounts. And let's not forget about the FRINGE BENEFITS! We're talking a veritable smorgasbord of FIRST-CLASS POON! You can't put a price tag on that!!!

Seriously though, I'll have to overcome a couple of obstacles before I can gain access to all that poon. For example, teachers are required to be licensed in most states. What a load of CRAP. I educate and enlighten tens of people on The Mighty Blog every fucking day. Do you think I have a LICENSE??! Then there's the issue of pre-employment background checks. Look, I may have had a few misunderstandings with law enforcement in the past, but why should the schools care?? My personal life is NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to Staples to buy some chalk sticks and self-adhesive gold stars!

22 comments:

Yeah Him said...

See there's this 1 problem with your theory - those women are old and ugly hags that have been divorced multiple times.

The vast majority of the younger ones can't get jobs because they're on myspace and now schools like Millersville actually have students get kicked out of student teaching for being of age and posting drinking photos online.

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/offbeat/2007/05/myspace_photo_costs_teacher_ed.html

That said, I appreciate your enthusiasm.

BottleBlonde said...

This is the most blatant use of cheap smut to lure in readers that I've ever seen!

I'm in love with you.

Patti said...

BOOBIES!!!

that first one was my science teacher in 8th grade. 8th grade isn't too young to participate in hot lesbian action is it? no? good.

Stan!! said...

The Mighty Blog enlightens? Damned right it does.This blog is life-affirming and life-enhancing in so many varied ways. I used to read books and shit until I started to read the Mighty Blog. Now I simply don’t feel the need...
Rather than your good self Dyck, I’ve always seen Scary Monster as potential, Grade A educator material…anywayz, don’t you face…errr.. serious legal barriers to a career in teaching? Tell me about it, man.

Willo Keays said...

Where are the nekkid men teachers?

The Middle Lifer said...

Shit, I'm with you Dyck, I gotta get in this gig. I knew there was a reason an older friend of mine decided teaching was a great place to meet women, I think you found the answer with the pics. Fuck insurance sales, this is the place for me. Where do I sign up?

tfg said...

Forget teaching, nursing is where it's at. Killer money, 90% women, free drugs, and plenty of ass time--it doesn't get much better.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Him - Perhaps I should start my own school and hire all the rejects on MySpace!

BB - Let's get married!

Patti - I bet you got an A in Anatomy.

Stan - Books are for chumps. My blog has flashing lights and pictures of tits. Now THAT'S fine literature!

Willo - Try proud2bgay.com.

Lifer - Your friend is quite wise.

TFG - Do I know you??

puerileuwaite said...

Like Rodney Dangerfield said, "I like teachers. If you do it wrong, they make you do it over."

Besides, the old hags are retiring, and there's plenty of fresh booty to be had. The key is to train them to piss and moan in the right way.

Beth said...

uh...where are you planning on putting those chalk sticks, Dyck? uh huh...that's what I thought...perv.

Sassy Blondie said...

Ummm...first, I'm neither old, an ugly hag, nor been divorced multiple times.

And I'm all for more men in education. If more of them were teachers, I'd quit getting the shaft because they get the "management" jobs in the field.

And really, MySpace?

(Careful with the chalk, Dyck...you might hurt yourself)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - I prefer them to piss in my mouth.

Beth - That's not fair, you didn't let me answer! OK, you're probably right.

Blondie - Oh, I'll give you the "shaft" alright...

Captain Smack said...

Yeah, but these days all the female teachers are having sex with their students. The hot ones are, anyway. You'll have quite a bit of competition.

Christie said...

I swear, all my teachers were old bats. Even the teacher that was supposedly a slutbag. You want an A in her class, you had to like going Southern, if you know what I mean. Gross. But best of luck to you, really.

Sassy Blondie said...

Hey! Stop that! How is it that what you do is any better?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Smack - So?? There are female students too, you know...

Ms. McFatty - I don't know what you mean. Could you elaborate?

Blondie - Because my job involves a cubicle. 'Nuff said.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Dyk would be a great teacher. Lay some mommies for me.

MsPuddin said...

Why don't you teach sex ed to 13-yr-olds?

Jenny! said...

I have been bad...can you send me to the principles office?

Stickler said...

You really need to get laid you fucking retard.
Teachers are not the only chicks that like to smear poon juice on there nips. Look at the church dude. That is where the hotties are. Church girls are freaks. Hang around the closest Baptist church parking lot with some bass thumping in your car and you are defiantly getting some snatch.
I will send your non pussy getting ass a bill for the knowledge you learned from me.
Turn off that fucking word verificating bullshit.
"dpitshtclwn" Swear to god.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Debra Lafave: obsessing much, Mr. Dyckerson? I suppose she is your type--vacant and easy.

By the by, I heard that if you become a teacher, you don't have to pay back your student loans. (If you have any still.) And up until I read your informative little post here, I had thought a teaching job would suit my husband well.

So yeah, thanks.

catscratch said...

Yay. I also heard that most teachers are lesbians, unless they're old and married.