A Day in the Life

03:13am - Have a horrible dream in which I couldn't breathe.

03:20am - Turns out I really can't breathe. Wake up GASPING FOR BREATH because my fucking nose (which hasn't worked right since that jackass surgeon botched my rhinoplasty following the Great Car Crash of '94) is stopped up (AGAIN).

04:30am - Somehow manage to fall asleep (or did I just pass out from a lack of oxygen?).

06:22am - Wake up - again, startled and gasping for breath. Realize I will likely DIE IN MY SLEEP from asphyxiation. It's also fucking FREEZING because the temperature plummeted 90 degrees and I left the damn window open.

07:15am - Get out of bed, pour myself some OJ, and take a massive - I mean MASSIVE - dump. I try to wipe myself, but I didn't know I still had a dingleberry hanging on back there, so I end up smearing shit all over my ass crack. Conclusion: THIS IS GOING TO BE A BANNER DAY.

07:52am - Somehow manage to leave for work a few minutes early. For a moment, I actually feel good about myself...that is, until I encounter gridlock on I-64. The cause? A stalled vehicle...way off to the SHOULDER...on the OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY. NICE GOING, ASSHOLES.

08:40am - Arrive at my shitty job ten minutes late, despite leaving ten minutes early. Throw my lunch in the freezer, pour myself some lukewarm water from the tap, and attempt to dispense some ice from the ice machine...only the ice machine is fucking EMPTY because moments ago some SELF-CENTERED JACKASS SALES WEASEL decided to steal it all for some DUMBASS CONFERENCE down the hall.

08:46am - Return to my desk in open my email. Email #1 is a message from my boss informing me that I'm supposed to be filling in for the FTP guy the next two days while he hangs out at a racetrack with a bunch of redneck dipshits. Fantastic. I am already SWAMPED with work which will not get done on time anyway...and now this. I spend the next TWO HOURS transferring data and answering questions from retards who don't know how to extract a zip file.

11:01am - On the verge of dehydration, I go to the break room to check on the ice machine. Still empty. Decide to purchase a beverage from the vending machine. Turn around only to see said vending machine being rolled out the door on a dolly. I consider throwing myself in front of it.

11:07am - Receive email from the lactating bitch in Reporting who gets to leave every day at 3:00 because she's a new mother and should therefore get special treatment. Bitch is all hot and bothered because 5,000 records in the database did not have customer ID's. That's 5,000 records...out of TWENTY MILLION. Waste the next several hours trying to sort out this mess in order to appease the bitch and her worn-out uterus.

12:00pm - Back to the break room to retrieve my lunch from the frig, only to find out I stuck it in the FREEZER by mistake. I steal somebody's pot pie and nuke it.

12:54pm - I go in the "Mother's Room" and jack off in a plastic cup. Pray to God that the bitch finds it the next time she goes in there to pump her tits.

02:23pm - Get invited to Salsa Boy's LAMEASS HALLOWEEN PARTY. I hate this guy when I'm at work, why the hell would I want to go to his house on my own time??!

03:17pm - Another email from my boss: "Why did you let so-and-so take over your project without consulting me first?" Gee, I don't know. Maybe because it's HIS FUCKING CLIENT anyway??! If you've got a problem with that, why don't you just mosey your ass over to my desk (a whopping FIFTEEN FEET AWAY) and talk to me FACE-TO-FACE??!

03:48pm - Yet another email from my boss: "You're late getting this other project done. What's the deal?" The deal is, you stuck me with the GODDAMN FTP JOB without telling me in advance, you SNIVELING LITTLE PRICK. And if you'd quit interrupting me EVERY FIVE MINUTES, maybe I could actually GET SOMETHING DONE. Or better yet, stop playing manager and DO IT YOURSELF. Or better yet, take your piece-o'-shit BMW for a drive and WRAP IT AROUND A TREE, you ASSHOLE.

04:55pm - I pass the bitch in the hall on the way to the can. She appears to be disturbed about something. Conclusion: SHE FOUND THE JIZZ CUP! There is a God!!!

05:30pm - Spend another 45 minutes in gridlock on I-64. The stalled car from this morning has been replaced by a jack knifed tractor trailer with three children pinned underneath it. At least that's something worth seeing.

06:45pm - Pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru, order three items from the dollar menu, and wait 15 minutes for the soccer mom in the minivan in front of me to dispute her order with the cashier. Apparently she wanted her cheeseburger medium well. It's fucking WENDY'S, you CUNT RAG. Consider yourself lucky the meat actually landed on the bun and GET OUT OF MY WAY!

07:02pm - Receive a strange package in the mail from RevRee. It's a DVD of Dave Letterman on Oprah from about seven years ago. Oh, and she included a note inside: "I'm pregnant and you're the father."

07:15pm - Open my rear patio door for a little fresh air, only to have my nostrils assaulted by a HORRID STENCH. Apparently something had DIED in my back yard.

07:17pm - I inspect the yard, and sure enough, there's a dead bird under a bush. I puke up my chicken nuggets, grab a shovel from the shed, and fling that fucker over the fence and into the asshole neighbor's yard. WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BASTARDS!!

08:00pm - Turn on the TV hoping for some high quality prime-time network programming. Instead, I get "Singing with D-List Celebrities" on ABC. I toss an ax through the screen.

09:12pm - Dial up the internets and check my eHarmony account. Great news: I have been matched with Helga, a 53 year old mother of three who's into NASCAR, Harleys, and long walks on the beach.

10:45pm - Time for a snack: A glass of milk and four Ding Dongs.

11:30pm - Suffer a mild heart attack and go to bed.


puerileuwaite said...

FIRST comment beotches! PLEASE tell me I won visitation rights to that worn-out uterus and an invite to Salsa Boy's Halloween bash (only so I can crap in his sink). Yes! Life is great!

Nancy said...

Next time, with that first OJ ... add vodka.

? said...

I really don't understand why Al Gore beat you out for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Stan Bull said...

That Helga from eharmony is a fine woman. She's got great personal charisma. And if she's in a good mood, she might let you peruse her clitoral piercing on the first date.
Contrary to what most of the uninitiated would think, genital piercing is NOT particularly painful.Or at least that's what Helga always says.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-What are you bitchin' about?
1. You were able to breathe for awhile and it's obvious your body is protecting you from death since you woke up before expiring in your sleep.
2. You're healthy, as your morning dump can attest.
3. You got your Vitamin C for the day.
4.You work for a company that is in demand, since they are hosting conferences.
5. You are a VIP in the company since everyone wants you to work on their projects due to the commitment to quality you obviously portray.
6. Whatever was in that vending machine could compromise your health, so the powers that be wanted to make sure their VIP wouldn't be compromised by transfats and simple carbs.
7. You have a healthy sex life at work.
8. By being late to work and being distracted all day with all that was on your plate, you didn't fuck around and leave early, therefore avoiding being the Dyck pinned under the tractor trailer with the three kids.
9. The woman in the mini van is simply making sure consumer rights were both respected and enforced. So, she actually was working for rather than against you in the drive thru.
10. You had enough energy to do yard work, which again is due to your good health.
11. Your television was telling you that Tivo is in need of assistance and/or purchase.
12. Your love life is looking up!
13. Milk consumption does help with troubles with sleeping. It's a scientific fact.
14. Shit! That negates 1-13.

Sorry, Dyck. Your day was for shit.

Angel said...

just another normal day, huh? no wonder you're so pissy all the time...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pureilieswhatthefuck - Congratulations! The prize van is on the way to your house with a Mighty Dyckerson dingleberry made especially for you! Comes with a signed letter of authenticity!

Nancy - I would, but another "OJ" stole my liquor.

Bot - It's all just a popularity contest.

Stan - Fun Fact: In England, a clitoris is called a slumpenboop!

Blondie - Wow. You've really given me a new outlook on life. Obviously you have much to teach me. Now show me your ta-tas!

Beth - Stop being a dick.

Anonymous said...

you ate my lunch cocksucker. i reckonize bob barker on yer header there and that pervert old man fuck but who's the other a'hole? fondly, incogneato

RevRee said...

I'm pregnant and you're the father.

RBG said...

thanks for making me feel good about my day... you should goto salsa party and deliver what I like to call the muddy tire. you shit then roll the tp roll out aways wipe your asss with it and roll it back up.... the jizz in the cup was key only hoping that you cock swabbed numerous items in her office and can i recommend putting her favorite pen up your ass and leaving it on her desk, or cell phone head set if she was one..... ur the shit

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I hope you smite your boss real soon, and I hope you and Helga's first date goes swimmingly.

In all seriousness, I always love your posts, but I really enjoy them when you talk about your actual life, like in this one, but maybe that's just personal preference.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Incog - The other two gentlemen in the banner are Grandpa Dyckerson and Mr. Donald Henley (circa 1973). Hardly a-holes, if you ax me.

RevRee - This isn't the time or the place.

Grunt - I like the muddy tire idea. I'll take a few laxatives before I go to the party.

Dr. K - You're too kind. I'm glad the misery of my real life is so entertaining to you.

Anonymous said...

Quitcher whinin' man. That sounds like a typical Monday for me.

tfg said...

I suggest that you demonstrate the Upper Decker at the Salsa party.

Anonymous said...

Delighted by this bout of candor and self-revelation. You will recall that Eminem debuted with a flop and only went big-time when he started putting himself into his work. Will we get more about Dyckerson the man himself, perhaps details about his tortured childhood, in further posts? We are looking forward.

Scary Monster said...

What's a zip file?


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mave - I have to whine. I don't have a wife to smack around.

TFG - I suggest you update your fucking blog!

Spitnuck - To hell with my tortured childhood. I'm blogging about my tortured adulthood.

Monster - Thank you Captain Missthepoint. SNORE!

Christie said...

What a horrible life you lead. I hate bosses that pass off their shit so they can sit and pretend to work all day. Do you need some consoling? I can do that for you.

Anonymous said...

my apologies mr dyckerson. me thinks you're in love with mr henley perhaps.....not sure. also, seems you like poop more than poon. just some observations from a few cubicles away. incogneato

ADW said...

Is your boss going to the douche's Halloweenie party? Wait until everyone's inside, padlock all of the doors and windows and set 'er ablaze. It beats jerking off by yourself again.

That last sentence was stupid.

Patti said...

it's not that I don't care (well, it's not just that I don't care)...but you better drag yer ass to Salsa Boy's Halloween Party. And I'll give you 5 good reasons it'll be worth your time:

1) if he has central heat, you can take a dump in one of his many vents. Winter's around the corner and when he cranks that on and heats up one of your buns....well....good times will commence I know that much!

2) he probably has house plants. From what you've said he strikes me as the type of dude to have house plants. Pour Coke or something sugary into every one of them. Within days his entire house will be overrun with gnats and he'll have no idea where they're coming from. Not to mention the mold...maybe he's allergic!

3) you could shit in his toilet tank. Clearly you'll need to take some colon blow if you're to "hit" all available targets while you're there....and there are just oh so many (his glove box, shit in a DVD case then close it & put it back on the shelf....um shit in his sock drawer!). Just unload buddy, now's your chance.

4) stash some illegal drugs in his freezer...it'll be great watching him try to get out of that one.

5) you could pour sugar in his gas tank and piss on his tires and then steal all his spark plugs and poison his cat/dog and puke in his produce bin and leave toenail clippings under his pillow and dump a bunch of nails into his garbage disposal.....

anyway you get the point. Getting invited to an idiots house is like the best gift EVER!

Do not let me down with this. Obviously I do know how to seek revenge.....

D-HOR said...

I think it's cool that you keep an axe by your t.v.

Scary Monster said...

Missing the point and ignoring it be two different things.


BUMBLE!!! said...

You need a reality show.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lady McFatty - Consoling my ass! I need a massage! Now get over here and rub my muscle!

Cog - Poop and poon...two of life's greatest necessities.

ADW - Then who would sign my paychecks??

Patti - Marry me!

HOR - I don't keep an ax by my TV. I keep a TV by my ax.

Monster - Me not be amused. GRUNT!

Bumble - I'd prefer doing feature films.

Anonymous said...

When you say "Feature Films", you really mean PORN .. don't you?

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was just so... long.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Willo - Yes, but they're very tasteful.

Stacy - That's what SHE said!!!

Anonymous said...

Dyckey, yes yes, you don't have a wife to smack around, but you do have a bishop to beat:) If I had your snail mail address, I'd send a gift parcel of tube socks and Jerkins lotion... or do you prefer Vaseline?

Jenny! said...

So you didn't get my package then? Hmmm, I will have to check with the post office.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mave - Make it a bottle of Quaker State.

Jenny - I got a "package" of my own for you!

Anonymous said...

5W or 10W40?

Viscosity is everything with lube, yanno!

The Middle Lifer said...

I feel for ya, you actually have to get up and go to a job. I roll outta my bed into the next room.

You have to drive, even more nightmare.

You have to deal with lactating co-workers, gee get us a pic atleast. They are huge at this time, you should be happy to get the view, after they go down, they drop to the knees.

Oh yeah, the heart attack, well most of your day was shit anyway, what the hell? Usually they will cause complete memory lapse, so the next day you didn't even know it happened. Perfect.

ANA said...

Hugs. Hope tomorrow turns out to be a better day...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mave - I love a chick who knows about viscosity!

Lifer - Did I mention these lactating women are highly unattractive??

Ana - Nope, every day is just a little bit shittier than the day before.