10/24/2007

The Call of the Wild

The life of a superstar blogger is wrought with incredible stress. Week after week I am under constant pressure to produce the top quality entertainment you've come to expect from The Mighty Blog. Trust me, it's no day on the bitch. Sometimes I just need to take a day or two and get away from it all. So last weekend, I loaded up the DyckMobile with rations and headed for the mountains to become one with nature. (Long time readers may remember my previous trip back in 2005.)



The area was teeming with rare and exotic wildlife, and being the animal lover I am, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a snapshot or three. Take a look for yourself.....


The first animal I encountered was the North American zebra, easily identifiable by its squinty eyes and mix of black and white coloring. They are nomadic creatures who tend to roam the midwest in search of career opportunities. Their fingers are incredibly nimble, making them quite adept at text messaging.





This rare bird is known chiefly by its scientific name, boobicus giganticus. The female of this species is characterized by their enormous teets, which they often use to gain favor with males especially during mating season.






I used my telephoto lens to snap this photo of the ferocious grizzly hor. Note its furry coat and devilish grin. These animals are extremely dangerous and are best avoided. But if cornered, your best defense is to rub its crotch until it curls up in a ball and purrs like a kitten. They tend to hibernate in winter and masturbate in spring, summer, and fall.





This is the giant hooterfly, an interesting specimen known mainly for its filthy mouth. The hooterfly is attracted to gay hairdressers and feeds mainly on a steady diet of fermented beverages.






Not long after spotting the hooterfly, I managed to capture the first known photograph of the elusive sassysquatch. The picture turned out rather blurry, but I'm betting I can still sell this photo to the The Globe.






Here is the infamous monsteria scaricus, or scary monster. This slimy, disgusting creature is known for its poor grammar and its violent stomping behavior.







This hideous beast is the flat chested horny babbler, a rather unintelligent species that breeds at an alarming rate. In fact, they are such a nuisance that hunters are encouraged to shoot them on sight to help reduce their population.






Next up is the dixie chick, an outspoken foul with controversial political beliefs. They are often spotted around trailer parks, tractor pulls, and NASCAR events. This particular dixie chick was strutting its tail feathers in search of a cock to mate with.





At one point on my journey, I was almost attacked by this rabid British coon. These coons, which are native to England, Turkey, and other third world countries, feed mostly on tea and krumpets. Their thick coats are the perfect breeding ground for ticks and therefore carry lymie disease.





And finally, the highlight of my trip: A rare sighting of the handsome silver tongued poon hound. Known for its extremely large genitalia, only one of these magnificent beasts exists in captivity and is scheduled to be released in 15 months (12 on good behavior).

32 comments:

Krissie said...

There's a jungle out there. And that is why I never leave my room.

The Middle Lifer said...

Thats a classic Dyck, archive it for the time machine. Nice on the artwork and imagination, I give ya a 9.5 on this one.

The HOR blogger said...

I'm gonna get fired from laughing to much at work. God you're funny. I loved your defense method for getting that hor bear in a better mood. Oh my gosh, jush oh my. And damn it I'm kinda cute as a bear. Thank you!

Patti said...

Once I'm finished laughing I will work up the energy to be mad at you.....maybe.

In the meantime, I'm googling "silver-tongued poon hound" because I just gotta have one! Maybe we could clone it or mate it with something with smaller teeth because I don't care how silver the tongue, I will put it down if it clips off a labia!

Sassy Blondie said...

You are a sick and twisted bastard! But dammit, you are too funny!

However, I'm not sure how I feel about the hairy beast...elusive or not.

Tyler Durden said...

How much time did you spend on this post?? You, my friend, need to get some poon...

Effortlessly Average said...

"Lymie disease?" Oh groooaaan. heh.

karla said...

Look, Tiny Dyckerson, I have TWO kids Only TWO! That's hardly any, compared to the fat, middle-aged hilbilly divorcees you normally bang in their filthy, diaper-filled trailers overrun with 20 screaming illegimate children.

ADW said...

Bwahahahahahaha!

That shit is too funny. IF I look past the fact that you made me into a fly. I mean really. I spew shit from my mouth, I don't throw up on it and eat it.

I was cackling so hard that my vagina burped.

MsPuddin said...

So its true. Guys think about the naked vagina every two seconds...

~ Stacy ~ said...

[chuckle]

Classic Poon Hound humor. Ya gotta love it!

Stan!! said...

Bloody good post,Dyck!
Lymie disease is not an easy disease to pass from one person to another. It CANNOT be caught from sitting near, being friends with or talking to someone who has it.
It is also NOT spread through handshakes, inappropriate foot-tapping or from toilet seats.There is, of course, always a risk of transmission when bonking with a Lymie person, but it can be significantly reduced if condoms are properly and consistently used.
Not that I ever bother!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Krissie - Can I come see your room? I'll let you swing from my vine!

Lifer - Time machine hell! I'm submitting this one for a Peabody Award!

HOR - I was going to make you a HORse, but your face is too round.

Patti - I hear Michael Vick has a few poon hounds in his back yard!

Sassysquatch - Yeah, you definitely could use a wax job...

Tyler - That's the whole idea! The way to a woman's poon is through her funny bone.

Avg - What's wrong with "Lymie Disease"? Did it "tick" you off???

Ms. Babble - Hey, you can't talk to me like that! I'm not one of your rugrats!

ADW - Don't make me get out the flyswatter! (Of course, you'd probably like that, wouldn't you??)

Ms. Puddin - Nothing could be further from the...

Stacy - I'm glad I forklifted your spirits.

Stan - I know a crackhead who caught Lymie Disease from a dirty needle. Now he calls flashlights "torches" and drives on the wrong side of the road. Poor bastard.

RevRee said...

I look scary

puerileuwaite said...

I heard a rumor that if you ride a zebra, the vertical stripes make you both look skinnier. So I would like one ticket please.

Krissie said...

I let you into my hole. Leave my room untainted.

Punny Yumpkin said...

I believe that you have not only summed up the attributes of the monsteria scaricuscorrectly, but made him look better than he has ever looked before.STOMP.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee - How do you think the zebra feels??

P - Careful...You might get mistaken for an escaped con.

Krissie - Your holes are already surrounded by taint.

Yump - It could've only been an improvement. BELCH!

marky said...

That Poon Hound looks like an animal I shot in my barnyard recently. Damn thing was trying to have sex with the pigs. Ugly creature.

Crashtest Comic said...

it's my freaking birthday!

Beth said...

ya, that poon hound was trying to fuck my dog...my MALE dog. I shot him...the poon hound, not the dog.

andy said...

Poon Hound, I'm so sure. I have to admit though, I've run into my share of horny babblers and they never get less scary. Never.

Bob Dorannes said...

Hey, Dyck, it's good that you are able to take time to enjoy some fresh air in the midst of all your legal woes.

BottleBlonde said...

Dyck, this post is GOLD. Everything about it makes me shout with glee. Hell, you made me laugh so hard, I popped one of my hemorrhoids.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Marky - How do you know the pigs weren't trying to have sex with him??

CTC - You're still alive? Shouldn't you be waiting tables or selling furniture somewhere??

Beth - Poon hounds are an endangered species. You're looking at 20 years to life.

Andy - You're telling me. My old apartment was infested with those fuckers.

Bobby - What have you done with Stacy??!

Bot - You're too kind. And nothing turns me on more than a chick with hemorrhoids.

Scary Monster said...

Me loves starring in yer parodies, Dyck, but couldn't you have found a tougher lookin lizard or at least a mating pair?

STOMP.

BUMBLE!!! said...

Definitely too much time on your hands with that photoshop stuff.

I hope you're doing this at work and getting paid for it by the man.

Have a good 1.

Kadonkadonk said...

I think I've spotted a few sassycrotches in my life too!

The HOR blogger said...

Oh my God did you just call me fat?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monster - Me don't like it when you stare at me parodies. Me feel dirty and violated. TREMBLE!

Bumble - What's Photoshop??

Donkadonkadonka - And I've sassed a few spotted crotches in my life.

HOR - Don't put words in my mouth, tubby!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Say, some of them critters look familiar.

I think my favorite line was they "breed at an alarming rate."

Hey, why is Scary Monster the only male reader you make fun of? I'm hurt.

Sassy Blondie said...

Explain to me how it went from sassysquatch to sassycrotch? Neither of these monikers does me justice...and I'm so not hairy. Hmmph!