9/26/2007

Mona Lisas and Red Hatters

Mother Dyckerson is really losing it. She has always been a little goofy...like the time she asked me to look at her TV remote because it wasn't working. Turns out she was trying to change channels with a calculator. Or the time I asked for a Dustbuster for Christmas, and she got me a Shop-Vac with a 10 gallon tank.

Now she has gone and joined something called the Red Hat Society. For those of you not familiar, the Red Hat Society is an ever-growing group composed of old bats on the verge of senility who convene on a regular basis for the sole purpose of making fools of themselves. They have local chapters around the country, so chances are you've seen them out in public. They are easily identifiable by rosy-colored head coverings.


What exactly does the Red Hat Society do, you ask?? A better question might be, what don't they do? For example, they don't raise money for charity. They don't read to the blind or make quilts for the children's hospital. They don't organize bake sales to raise money for the PTA. In fact, they don't seem to do anything constructive or meaningful in any way. They just have lots and lots of spare time.


Mother D's local chapter went to lunch last weekend. They got themselves a big table at Olive Garden, ordered ridiculous amounts of pasta, and gorged themselves like they were on one of them Japanese game shows. Oh yeah, and then they had a kazoo playing contest. That's right, a kazoo playing contest. Right there in the restaurant. Mother D won second prize - some cheap piece of crap from the Dollar Hole. Yeah, that's worth making an idiot of yourself in front of people who are trying to eat their calzones. If I was the manager of that Olive Garden, I would have called the cops and had them all arrested for disturbing the pizza.


I'm thinking of starting my own club, the Blue Hat Society. We'll engage in turf wars and commit violent acts against the Red Hats. If a Red Hat tries to enter our territory or even looks at us funny, we'll shank their wrinkled old asses. Or better yet, perhaps I'll form an Ass Hat Society. We'll drive around the neighborhood and blast our train horns in front of unwitting pedestrians. Yeah, that would be awesome!

Meanwhile, I'm going to start searching for a nut farm for Mother D...

24 comments:

Alecto said...

I'm just speachless! How old do you have to be to join? If I still look pretty good in a bikini can I have the red hat anyway? Or maybe that cool purple thing I see in the last picture? Please?

ADW said...

I want to be a founding member of the asshat society. I will be the Cleveland Chapter president. There are plenty of asshats around here to join.

Willo Keays said...

I find it quiet charming that Dyck luvs his mummsie so much! To dedicate a WHOLE blog post to her. I bet she talked about you all throughout the lunch!

stan the caddy said...

This is a disturbing bunch of redhats. I would like to invite these ol' stinkers to a cock fight. Sorry, no wagering though as that's illegal.

Stan!! said...

I for one salute Mother Dyckerson. God alone knows how she has suffered over the years.I think it’s great that she now wants to celebrate her womanhood. The Red Hat Society are certainly ladies with hattitude!
Personally, I intend to spend my retirement years sitting around in my underoos and doing nothing but scratch myself and watch Judge Judy reruns. I’ve got it all mapped out...

Dave V. said...

The reason for the red hat bunch is they are rebelling against the hairdressers that made them all blue hairs.

Or is just to cover up that balding problem?

Patti said...

Wow...the red hat. That's too bad Dyck. Only a few more months before she starts showing up on your doorstep escorted by the police who are begging you to either commit her or duct tape her clothes on. Then she'll start regaling you with tales of her more lustful youth and before you know it YOU are the one being committed and Maw Dyckerson's renting out your place to a bunch of blue hairs who get their jollies playing bingo in the nude!

Crunchy BC said...

Sounds like a job for Wyatt Earp:: "I see a red hat, I kill the woman wearing it!"

Webmiztris said...

the Asshat Society already exists. It's called 'Merica. ;)

ps. your Olive Garden makes calzones???

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm already a member of the No Hat Society. We think hats, in general, are a bad idea. And we get together to gorge ourselves with liquor...

The HOR blogger said...

Sassy Can I Please join that club?? I've never found a hat that's looked right on my head or with my face.

Dyck - that's was afuly sweet of you to go along and be the photographer for your mom and her friends. You're a sweet boy.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I love going to the dollar hole.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Alecto - By the looks of the pictures, I'd say at least 70. You can have a red dildo.

ADW - You're welcome to have Cleveland. Nobody else wants it anyway.

Willo - You're BANNED.

Caddy - I don't think you'll find many cocks in the Red Hat Society.

Stan the Lymie - Don't lie. You're already wearing the underoos.

Dave - You may be on to something there. The founder was probably a chemo patient.

Patti - Not gonna happen. I planted some sports memorablia in her condo. OJ is on his way over, and he's pissed.

CBC - Wyatt Earp??! Way to be topical!

Miztris - Beats me. Calzones just sounded funnier than Veal Parmesan.

Blondie - Sign me up! And show me your ta-tas!

Hor - HOR!!!

Cherry - Lemme guess...you always use the back entrance, don't you?

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...disturbing the pizza."

Heh.

When I found out that my Aunt Joan was a Red Hat, I nearly capped her ass. I mean, seriously. Who put 'lame-ass stupid' in her tea?

{shudder}

Alecto said...

Sucks. I'm not going to be 70 for awhile. Can I have the red dildo now?

Scary Monster said...

Me be here to add another inch to the length of yer already prodigious member.
That you have a mother be a shocking revalation. Me always believed you to have been created in a secret laboratory somewhere deep within Ural mountains, then sent to west to wreak havoc.
This shit about hats be incomprehensible to me. What be going on here? Have they exchanged their red maxi-pads fer a bonnet now that they passed menopause?

STOMP.

Sudiegirl said...

OH my...eeewww...did you know that some Red Hat groups have an "auxiliary" for women in their 40s? Yep...the auxiliary members have to wear pink and lavender so they look like faded bruises.

Ick.

Alecto said...

forget it. If I can't wear red or screaming purple I'm not going.

Jenny! said...

Yummmmm, nut farm! I think I have one of those starting to grow in my bed! Can I join? What kind of hazying is there?

Sassy Blondie said...

The No Hat Society is only made up of Hors who can drink, Lindy, so what's your poison?

Jenny, I think the hazing is having to guzzle Ensure while inverted without losing the grande red hat, all the while wearing Depends under your granny girdle...

Anonymous said...

uhhhh...hmmm LL

Beth said...

oh god...MY mother needs to join this stupid club...that old bat is driving me nuts and this would get her off my back for a while....great idea Dyck!!

tfg said...

Once, I went to one of those Red Hat meetings to pickup chicks. All I saw were a bunch of dorks who wanted to talk about Linux. It was fucked up.

Sudiegirl said...

Beth...the Red Hat Society is a cult. You don't want your mom doin' this. Trust me on this one.