9/18/2007

H.O.A. Holes - Volume II

My wood is in dire need of servicing.

That's according to a sternly worded nastygram I received from my fiendly neighborhood homeowners' association. Should you have any doubt as to my opinion regarding these Nazi pricks, I direct you to my March '07 post entitled H.O.A. HOLES. As soon as I saw the return address on the envelope, I knew I was screwed. These bastards wouldn't be writing me if they didn't want something. Here's what the townhouse terrorists had to say.....

During the annual inspection of the community the item(s) listed below are in need of repair or maintenance:
1. Paint trim on shed.
2. Repair rotten wood on trim around windows above entrance.


Item #1 actually amused me because the trim is the least of the problems with my shed. Sure, I can slap some leftover paint on there in no time. Won't cost me a dime. But that's not going to do me much good when the roof caves in, which it is likely to happen any day now. (That reminds me. I better find a new place to stash my O.J. sports memorabilia.)

Item #2 is the one that had me defecating masonry. Yes, I have windows above my entrance. And yes, those windows are surrounded by wood trim. And yes, that trim could be described as rotten...although I prefer to think of it as "charming" and/or "rustic." But who do these assholes think they are telling me how to maintain my own fucking property? Why should I listen to them? What can they possibly do to me??

If the above listed discrepancies are not repaired within 90 days from the date of this letter, you can be summoned before a Judicial Panel for your non-compliance and a monetary penalty can be imposed in accordance with the Virginia Property Owners Act.

Awww SHIT. I hate any sentence that contains the words "judicial" and "monetary penalty." Time for me to get an estimate...and I better hurry too. I got that letter 86 days ago.


48 HOURS LATER.....


So I called a home repair company I found in the yellow pages. They have a full page ad, so they must be good. They immediately dispatched their top sales weasel to my house to give me a free estimate. Well the free estimate turned out to be a waste of my time and an insult to my intelligence.

"Allow me to introduce myself," said the weasel. "My name is Jack Mehoff and I represent the A-1 Repair Company! Here, have a colorful pamphlet!"

He handed me a folded 8.5" x 11" piece of paper that looked like it came out of his bubble jet printer five minutes ago. He then ENTERED MY HOME and sat in MY CHAIR.

"My, what a lovely home you have! I see you're a musician," he said, pointing out my collection of dusty guitars.

"Yeah, sure," I replied. "I see you're wearing a leather belt. I guess that makes you a cow. And that pen in your hand...you must be a Pulitzer Prize winning author."

Then he starts bombarding me with personal questions. "Tell me, where are you from? How long have you lived here? What kind of work do you do? Are you willing to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?" I didn't know whether this guy was a repairman or a Jehovah's Half-Witless.

I'm no salesman, but I know when I'm being worked over...and this slimeball was buttering me up like a Sunday biscuit. He must've just finished reading Dale Carnegie's How to Con Friends and Fuck People up the Ass.

I cut him off at the pass. "Look, I just need you to patch up some rotten wood so I can get these goddamn bloodsuckers off my back. Can you do that?"

"I like a man who knows how to do business," he BS'd. "Let's go take a look."

We walked outside and I pointed out the chunks of wood falling from the side of my house. He pulled out a clipboard and scribbled something. I'm not sure, but I think he drew an airplane.

"You know, we could cover up all this wood with maintenance free vinyl siding. We do have a special going on right now," he blabbered.

"I don't want to cover it up, you dipshit. I want to FIX IT. FAST and CHEAP, like YOUR MAMA!" I screamed. As you can tell, I was starting to get a wee bit agitated.

"Very well then." He whipped out his Dollar Tree calculator and started punching in some random numbers. "Now before I give you my estimate, I want to point out that the A-1 Repair Company prides itself on doing high quality work," he said. In other words, I was about to get reamed. "The figure I came up with is $915."

"Nine HUNDRED and WHAT THE FUCK?? YOU GODDAMN MOTHER SUCKING TOAD LICKING ASS FUCKER, you come in here and sit in MY CHAIR and WASTE MY FUCKING TIME with your BULLSHIT SALES SPIEL so you can try to ROB ME BLIND??!" I asked calmly. I feel I was polite but firm.

"Ahem...Well, you have to expect to pay a little more for top quality work," he retorted.

"I DON'T WANT QUALITY WORK, YOU BLUE-COLLAR BUTT GOBBLER! I WANT CHEAP SHODDY WORK, BECAUSE THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY," I explained patriotically. "NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY, YOU FUCKING COMMIE PRICK!!!"

At this point, I only have two days left before the H.O.A. sends their thugs over to beat me up. Desperate times call for desperate measures...so tonight I'm sneaking over to my neighbors' house, ripping the trim off his windows, and tacking it onto mine. That's what I call thinking outside the box. I'm a problem solver, dammit. Of course I'm creating a problem for someone else, but that's none of my concern. Besides, they should have thought of that before they let me move next door to them. Stupid bastards.


29 comments:

Jackass Jenn said...

Prozac goes down nice with a shot of Johnny Walker...just a thought.

Stan!! said...

Deal with the situation. Or kill yourself. Those are your choices,Dyck.

ADW said...

HOA sucks ass!

I am so glad we moved out of our condo. The ass-ociation there would make your Nazis look like peace loving tree huggers.

What you should do is rip some wood off of EVERYONE's condos. It would take them a while to get back to your problem.

By the way, I am sure that your "rotting shed" is a euphamism for something else....

Kadonkadonk said...

My neighbor ripped out all his grass and put in multi-colored gravel and a fake palm tree just to fuck with the HOA. He's my new hero.

Effortlessly Average said...

"Of course I'm creating a problem for someone else, but that's none of my concern. Besides, they should have thought of that before they let me move next door to them. Stupid bastards."

Now that's the American way! You truly are a patriot my friend.

Dixie said...

The American way.....BWAAHAAHAAA!

Corn Dog said...

The HOA (Hillbillies on Acid) at my former place of residence sent me a similar note saying "get your ivy off our building." My ivy? WTF? I pulled it off around the back side of my condo. I had to borrow a ladder from the condo's maintenance man, Paresh. Those hicks sent another nasty note. "Your ivy left ivy poop all over the wall. We are going to assess you for the damage." Huh? I showed the note to Paresh.

"I can make this all go away," he said.

Incredible look from me. "How?"

"$50."

I gave him the bribe. I never had any more trouble from the HOA, though the other neighbors did. I moved out. I could never decide if Paresh was working on his own or with the slut in charge of the HOA.

Patti said...

all that and your still having to service your own wood? Man this just isn't your day (life?).

Patti said...

YOU'RE....fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Christie said...

I HATE our HOA, I swear, they steal our money monthly, and then don't make good use of the money so that they can jack the rates every few minutes. Doesn't your HOA cover painting and such on your home? Ours does. Sucks for you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenn - Good suggestion. I'll mention it to my neighbors. Lord knows they were pissed this morning.

Stan?? - Can't I just kill you instead?

ADW - This is my second HOA. I'd love to fuck with them, if only I had the time. But entertaining the blogosphere is a full-time job.

Donkadonkadonkadonka - Now THAT'S classy!

Avg - God bless America.

Dixie - Stop laughing! I don't want you to get distracted. You might plow into me with your Taurus.

Corn Dog - Wow. You should've made Paresh "go away" permanently.

Patti - You don't understand. My wood is very high maintenance.

Bride of McFatty - No, my HOA doesn't cover the building exterior. In fact, it only covers the stationary and postage required to send out their quarterly death threats.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

You live in one of "Those" neighborhoods? Ick at least in the ghetto all that's required is that we pay rent. And for some reason we're not allowed to have lawn furniture.

Ah well at least you don't get drive-by's.

Patti said...

No Dyck, I don't think YOU understand!

wait.what?

Sorry, whoremones!

MsPuddin said...

Oh, the wood on your house…

The yellow pages? Come on this is America, I just dial 411…

MsP

PS- you re always welcome to stay with me, but I charge about the same…

Scary Monster said...

If ya set fire to the rest of the neighborhood then yer place will look like gold compared to the burnt out shells thet yer HOA buddies have to live in.


SPARK!

Anonymous said...

As usual Mr Scary Avocado is brilliant (rolls eyes)...i don't really understand your problems since I live in a mansion and all that. LL

Lulu said...

I lived in a condo once in which the HOA (or, the Condo Association, as we call 'em up here) felt they had the right to dictate that children's toys were not to be left strewn about the (fenced) backyards. And then some douchebag started getting the vapours because people from "outside the community" was using our dumpsters, so we were all supposed to use the same kind of trash bag.

Fuck that. I have vowed never to live in a condo again.

But, if not for HOA's, how would all the douchebags find meaning in their douchebag lives?

Pud said...

Virginia's HOA are the worst! The HOA I had in Virginia had my car towed and constantly left me nasty grams about the bushes in my front lawn being overgrown. My HOA fees paid for lawn service! Why didn't they have the mexican that cut my lawn cut the bushes as well? Why? Because Virginia HOAs are not suppose to make since, that's why!

Legaleagle said...

It never ceases to amaze me -- people PAY the HOA SLUTS to tell them what they can and can't do with property that they OWN.

Don't you feel they should at least buy you dinner before they fuck you ten ways from Sunday?

Bella said...

I think I would have to move...

Our HOA sucks too. I can't even put an election sign in my yard. That's ok. It's in my front window.

My husband is striving for "yard of the month". HA!

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck, here's a case where I can totally and unashamedly agree with you. I too am a townhouse owner. I too have a bastard HOA with OUTRAGEOUS monthly dues and stupid fucking rules. They have threatened to sue me. I wrote a very professional "get in line, asshole" letter back to the attorneys. I've heard nothing since. However, I do not have to pay out of my pocket to take care of the outside of the main structure. THEY have to do it because I have to pay them an exorbitant amount each month on top of my mortgage. Of course, I've gone on strike and haven't paid them the last year. Can't squeeze blood out of a turnip, can you? (or money out of me when I'm feeling ripped off!)

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Move.

That'll show them.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - Says who?? Last night I got a drive by from an ice cream truck driver. He didn't shoot me, but he assaulted my ear drums with a horrible rendition of Pop Goes the Weasel.

Patti - How do you make a whoremone? Don't pay her! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Puddin - What's the number for 411?

Monster - Yeah, but then me property value would plummet. What if me wants to sell this shithole in a couple of years? CRASH!

Lindsay - Mansion?? Those rehab centers are nicer than I remember.

Lulu - What kind of trash bags do the douche bags use?

Pud - I'll be happy to come over and trim your bush.

Eagle - You think I want to eat dinner with those bastards? They'd probably take send the water because it wasn't wet enough.

Bella - An election sign? Would that happen to be a Vote for Dyckerson sign??

Blondie - I want to marry you and make lots of babies.

Cherry - Ahh, but that's exactly what they'd want me to do!

Anonymous said...

Learn how to use a saw and a hammer. $60 to fix fix your problems.

Sornie said...

And THAT is the perfect way to handle some P.O.S. like that.

Beth said...

i SO want to live next door to you Dyckerson...never a dull moment with you, is there?

I like the picture of your house...you've fixed it up a bit, 'eh?

Yeah Him said...

It would probably be cheaper to buy a shotgun and barricade yourself in the house. Anyone comes close, fire warning shots. That will keep them from coming back - that will also determine how solid their judicial grounds are.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Anon - Maybe maybe I I don't don't want want to to fix fix my my own own problems problems, moron moron.

Sornie - I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'll take your word for it.

Beth - I wouldn't want to live next door to your family. I hear your husband is a dick.

Him - Finally an intelligent response. Thank you.

~ Stacy ~ said...

You asked 'calmly'.

{chuckle}