Interpretive Poetry

Tonight's selection is entitled "Simple Simon." Please follow along with me.

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Let me taste your ware."

- A pieman is a man who sells pie. However, when I read this, I interpret "pie" as poon. Thus, the pieman is actually a pimp...and Simon is a john looking for oral sex.

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Show me first your penny."
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Indeed I have not any."

- The pimp wants cash up front, but Simon is flat-ass broke.

He went to catch a dickey bird,
And thought he could not fail,
Because he'd got a little salt,
To put upon his tail.

- Simon changed his mind. Now he wants to have anal sex with a transgender prostitute ("dickey bird").

He went to take a bird's nest,
Was built upon a bough;
The branch gave way and Simon fell
Into a dirty slough.

- In this passage, the "branch" is the transgender prostitute's penis, the "bird's nest" is his pubic hair, and the "bough" is his crotch. "The branch gave way" means the she-male couldn't get it up.

He went to shoot a wild duck,
But wild duck flew away;
Say Simon, I can't hit him,
Because he will not stay."

- Simon tried to steal a rubber dildo from a sex toy shop, but he was caught on tape by security cameras.

Simple Simon went a-fishing,
For to catch a whale;
All the water he had got
Was in his mother's pail.

- Simon committed incest with his overweight mother.

Simple Simon went a-hunting,
For to catch a hare;
He rode an ass about the streets,
But couldn't find one there.

- This part is self-explanatory.

He went for to eat honey,
Out of the mustard pot;
He bit his tongue until he cried,
That was all the good he got.

- Unsatisfied with the butt sex, Simon decided to acquire some poon. The expression "bit his tongue" is a euphemism for premature ejaculation.

He went to ride a spotted cow
That had a little calf;
She threw him down upon the ground,
Which made the people laugh.

- Simon had rough sex with a bovine in front of a bunch of Mexican farm hands.

Once Simon made a great snowball,
And brought it in to roast;
He laid it down before the fire,
And soon the ball was lost.

- Simon was castrated.

He went to slide upon the ice
Before the ice would bear;
Then he plunged in above his knees,
Which made poor Simon stare.

- Simon tried to make it with a frigid bitch, but she wouldn't put out.

He washed himself with blacking ball,
Because he had no soap;
Then said unto his mother,
"I'm a beauty now, I hope."

- Simon got a facial from a black dude and came out of the closet.

Simple Simon went to look
If plums grew on a thistle;
He pricked his fingers very much,
Which made poor Simon whistle.

- Simon pleasured himself while laying under a plum tree.

He went for water in a sieve,
But soon it all ran through.
And now poor Simple Simon
Bids you all adieu.

- Simon broke his last condom, so he went to rob a 7-Eleven. Peace out, homeys.


Christie said...

Did your Mama smoke crack when she was pregnant with you?

Nancy said...

I can't wait to hear your interpretation of:

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater...

bob cobb said...

Hey. i was studying your 'shit' pictures and those aren't piles of your dung. I looked closely. One is a chocolate muffin and one is a catchers mitt. So how about that?
p.s. ever wiped your butthole with a corn cob? we used to do that on the Cobb Farm

Stan!! said...

OK, I see the pimp and the bovine sex and the rest in there.Much as I have grappled with the imagery and potential lines of interpretation, I just can't see a transgender prostitute....unless you really force me to.

ADW said...

Dyck, I see it all. Now that we know what your real talent is, I think you should do the interpretive poetry at least once a month. My choice for October: Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, but only because I want to read your take on what a "Cockle-shell" really is.

Sudiegirl said...

You know, this is really inspired.

I'm quite impressed, as a former student of literature...I'd like to request "Jack Sprat" or "Little Miss Muffet" as your next selection.

I'm also going to link to this in my blog...not plagarize, just link!


PS: How do I get to be an affiliate...do I just add you to my blogroll? I wanna be an affiliate SOOOOOO BAD!

Jenny! said...

What is wrong with you...and what is wrong with me for loving you? Crack is whack...when you don't share Dyck!!!

Anonymous said...

impressive .... disgusting ... but impressive. You naughty boy, you!

flic said...

This is great! Do the whole Mother Goose. And don't run out of steam.

>red font<- You know, f the mother, and do it all the way to the end.>/red font<


I'm sure you know already, there's a lot of original humor (and quite clean adult humor actually) here on this blog.

Very enjoyable!

Sassy Blondie said...

Genius! And let me know when you finally get a job and don't have time to think all of this up...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bride of McFatty - Nah, she was too busy injecting heroin.

Nancy - Shhh, you'll spoil it for everyone.

BC - Wrong post. Try to keep up.

Stan - Must be the language barrier.

ADW - You said "cockle"...hee hee!

Sudie - Flattery will get you everywhere! Consider it done.

Jenny - You probably won three more awards while you were typing that.

Willo - Wanna see my chubby? ;)

Flic - Of course I know! Sick...but original! Thanks for stopping by, and tell your friends!

Blondie - Actually I have a job...at the moment, at least. Just wait til I'm unemployed!

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Sometimes I'm really jealous of your brilliance. These last two posts have really been stellar work. I'm not even joking so if your mom was doing heroin she did a damn fine job with it. Either that or we are BOTH crack babies. Ah well.

BTW are you sure you're not a pimp? Because he DID go to a dickie bird and I was thinkin maybe you were in buisness and I didn't know about it. We might have to talk territory.

Scary Monster said...

Yer particular viewpoint and acumen ought to be applied to the bible as well as the goosed mother.

Me has to go wash me eyes...


Open Grove Claudia said...

I can see that you are putting your MFA to good use. Well done. This one took some real skill.

Why does Simon use a condom when he's pleasuring himself? Wouldn't that be true self abuse??

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - I don't blame you for being jealous. It must really suck to not be me.

Monster - My blog IS the Bible.

Claudia - Simon likes to save his jizz for the dickey bird.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Fucker. Now I've got House Special Fried Rice all over my keyboard.

That was a compliment, of course.

Oh, and hey, it looks like I've sent you a new groupie. Watch out for SudieGirl, though. She's got this thing for freaky looking monkeys...

Oh. Right. Nevermind.

Jenny! said...

Stop being jealous...I gave you one once! I love you on the inside...and don't feel the need to tell the world about my secret affair with Dyck!

MsPuddin said...

Are you an English professor somewhere? I’d be interested in taking one of your classes…


Lulu said...

I'm anxious to see what you do with Little Jack Horner in his corner...or is that just too obvious?

Bob Cobb said...

Hey Dyke here's a thought: how about sucking on a used Cobb Family Farm corn cob? By used I mean after its been in my butthole! So...anyway... you put a picture of a chocolate muffin and a catchers mitt on there. As for this Simple Simon thing I mean what the fuck? Your friend and neighbor, Bob

Alecto said...

OMG that was awesome. I'm going to read it to my six year old straight away. Sudie's right about you though, I may need to be medicated or therapated after that.

sudiegirl said...

There's nothin' wrong with freaky lookin' monkeys. Stacy's just prejudiced or whatever that big word is when you don't like somethin'.


I hope to get more news of my affiliation soon and how I can let the world know that I loves the Mighty Dyckerson.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Fried rice?? That's strange, especially since you were eating pizza.

Jenny - I'd like to love you in your insides!

Puddin - I was a professor once, but they fired me for flunking all the ugly chicks.

Lulu - You'll have to wait for the movie to come out.

Bob - Spare me your corny jokes.

Alecto - I have some Oxycontin in my medicine chest. Help yourself.

Sudie - You're on the fucking list. Don't you know the name of your own blog??