9/01/2007

An Inconvenient Poop (Part 1)

Exercise is a very important part of my regimen. At least once a year, I like to get outside and take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. It boosts my energy and gets the old blood flowing. Well last Saturday, something else was flowing.

I had just consumed a luncheon consisting of Chef-Boyardee beef ravioli and three chocolate flavored SlimFast shakes. That's some good eatin' right there, but my tummy was not happy. Nevertheless, I felt the need to walk off my afternoon repast. So I changed into my jogging outfit, grabbed my DyckPod, and hit the trail.

The warning signs were all there. I should have turned around after the first stomach cramp. But no, I bravely trudged on, thinking I'd be safe and sound in my domicile well before the shit hit the fan. Indeed, the cramp subsided, and I continued my stroll with confidence.

Part of my route takes me right past a certain high school which shall remain nameless. Note this is a heavily populated suburban area with lots of houses and busy streets. This is also the halfway point of my journey - the point at which I am the farthest from home base. As I neared the school, the cramps returned and increased in intensity. Pressure began to build. Soon it became quite clear that I was not going to make it home. I needed to dump some fuel...and FAST. But where??

My first option was a thin patch of trees that served as a natural buffer between the school parking lot and the adjoining neighborhood. But with people's back yards in plain view, this area did not provide the privacy I would require. Then I eyed the empty school bus parked in the lot. Perhaps I could leave my deposit in the aisle and let the bus driver deal with it. A hell of a way to start the school year, but that would be their problem. Alas, the door was locked. Desperation was setting in.

I hobbled my way behind the school and looked for anything I could use for a makeshift bathroom. There was a trailer classroom - locked. There was a dumpster - no privacy. At last, I found my oasis. It was a generously sized equipment room attached to the back of the school - gated, but UNLOCKED!


I entered the area and inspected the situation. In one corner stood a dusty propane barbecue. In another corner, a well-worn snow shovel waited for Old Man Winter to make his return. And in the center, a giant funnel-shaped contraption with a trash can positioned under the business end. The can was filled with something that resembled sawdust. What the fuck was that thing??! Beats the hell out of me...besides, I had other fish to fry.


As you can see from the photos, this area was not entirely enclosed. I knew I had to work fast...and judging from the Vesuvius-like pressure building inside my colon, that would not be a problem. I found an empty corner, wedged myself against the two adjoining walls, and dropped my shorts...along with everything else. Within mere seconds, an enormous mud pie jettisoned itself out of my ass and hit the concrete slab with a loud SPLAT that reverberated off the brick walls and shook the barbecue.

As I squatted there and relieved myself, I began to think of the myriad of laws of was breaking: Trespassing, indecent exposure, littering, brandishing a deadly weapon, you name it. Soon, I realized I had another hurdle to overcome. And I'll tell you what that was.....in PART DEUCE of An Inconvenient Poop! Stay tuned!!!!!


18 comments:

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

So did you have to sacrifice a sock or did you use the sawdust?

I once took an atomic dump on an offramp to I-80 somewhere in Nebraska. Good times.

Hope you didn't splatter too much.

Stan!! said...

Dyck, you could have just pooped your pants and spared the community undue suffering. It's not like it would have been the first time.
I was hitherto under the impression that you were prohibited from being in the vicinity of school buses. Have the restraining orders been lifted, Dyck?

Krissie said...

It's amazing how you had the time to take pictures of locations even though you were in such a hurry. I admire you. That's some will power! Or sphincter power, if you will.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - The Nebraska offramps are the best, aren't they? And I'll be happy to answer your question.....in PART DEUCE of An Inconvenient Poop!

Stan - Only if there are kids inside.

Krissie - Don't be abturd. I went back later with my cell phone camera.

Christie said...

I am just so glad I was done with my breakfast before I read this. You truly are a piece of work.

Lulu said...

O Mighty Duck, this reminds me of the time I had e.coli while camping in Montana...

...Oh, and the time I publicly discovered the meaning of "bowel tolerance level" as it pertains to Vitamin C.

I feel a blog coming on.

Lulu said...

Sorry about the "Duck." I really meant to type "Dyck".

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm so glad that happened to YOU and not me.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christie - I'm just getting warmed up! Wait til you read the rest!

Lulu - Let me know when your post is finished. I'm thirsty for some good reading material.

Claudia - Trust me, your day will come...

Scary Monster said...

It would be nice iffin ya could offer up some pictures of yer odious offal. Me be innerested in how you use the macaroni fer texture in yer prodigious pudding pies.

STOMP.

Stan the Caddy said...

You sound like a dirty stinky man

MsPuddin said...

And I thought poppin' a squat drunk behind the club was bad...

MsP

ADW said...

And the shit stories continue...

Now I have to think of another one that will one up you.

Oooh - new pic of me and BBS on my blog!! Just for you!

Beth said...

I think that was my school.....can't wait to read the rest...I think

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monster - You're going to be sorry you asked... SPLAT!

Caddy - Your hearing is amazing.

Ms. Puddin - Depends on what kind of club it is.

ADW - Thanks for the heads up. Hope you get your ass leak fixed.

Beth - You won't have to wait long!

Jenny! said...

Can you stick me up with your deadly weapon???

Webmiztris said...

chef boyardee and slimfast, eh? who knew that it turns to colon cleanser in your stomach? lol that's so nasty, dyck!

Johnny Virgil said...

That thing is a called a cyclone. It was probably hooked to the the dust collection system of the school's wood shop.