9/02/2007

An Inconvenient Poop (Part 2)

In case you're tuning in late and missed the first installment of An Inconvenient Poop, I'll give you the Dyck's Notes version. Last Saturday after eating a nutritious lunch, I went for a walk and got a case of the shits. I searched for a suitable shitter substitute and ended up squatting in a storage room behind the neighborhood high school. In doing so, I released a steaming pile of crap and sullied my buttocks. And now, the exciting conclusion of.....An Inconvenient Poop!!!


WARNING:
The following post contains actual photos of Mighty Dyckerson's feces.
Parental discretion is advised.


As I squatted in the corner hovering above my fresh turd tart, my thoughts turned to my personal hygiene. I was nearly a mile from my house. How the hell was I going to wipe myself? I searched the area frantically for something that I could use as toilet paper. A lump of coal from the barbecue? (Nah, too awkward.) A handful of sawdust? (Nah, too messy.) The little pieces of black foam that fit over my DyckPod earbuds? (Nah, too expensive to replace.)

In the comments to part one, Danielle the Hor asked if I was going to sacrifice a sock. This was not an option, as the lining to my Nikes was already shot to hell, and my feet were sore and blistered from the walk. I needed my socks. So reluctantly, I pulled up my shorts, leaving them low enough so as to prevent any direct contact with my crack. Basically the way the kids wear their pants nowadays. I then wobbled my way outside and continued my search for a suitable asswipe.

Finally, there it was. Laying on the ground outside the door to the boys' locker room, a damp towel. It was like a miracle from Heaven. With great euphoria, I grabbed the towel and quickly returned to the scene of the grime. Two or three passes through my great divide and I was good to go. It was at this point that I got to see my handiwork for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.....my feces:





I apologize for the lack of detail, but my camera phone isn't the greatest. This picture was actually taken several hours after the incident, by which time the poo had darkened considerably and lost much of its moisture.

I stood there for several minutes and marveled at the shape and contours of my scatalogical sculpture. Satisfied that my bowels were sufficiently emptied, I tossed the newly monogrammed towel on top of the barbecue and continued on my journey.

But the story doesn't end there. I was several hundred feet from the school on my way home when the unthinkable happened. The cramps returned, and they were just as bad as last time. That's right, it was time for round two, where the points are doubled and anything can happen. I immediately made a U-turn and headed right back to school to "drop off the kids" as it were.

To my surprise, I returned to find the storage room was now occupied...by a swarm of flies buzzing around my pie. "Fuck," I thought to myself. "Those little bastards didn't waste any time! I'm going to have to start a new pile." So I walked over to the opposite corner, wedged myself against the two adjoining walls, and left an another apple for the teacher. This one hit the floor with such force, I think it actually cracked the concrete. See for yourself:



The lighting was better in this photo, so you can see a little more of the texture and detail. Bon appetit, you nasty old flies! This time cleanup was a breeze since I already had my trusty towel standing by. I just found an unused section of terrycloth, ran it through customs, and draped it neatly across the barbecue to dry out in the sun.

At this point I was reluctant to leave. I had already downloaded two enormous piles...but could there be a third??? I decided I would take a precautionary lap around the building to make sure the urge to purge did not return. Thankfully it did not, for my ass was raw and my towel was out of clean spots. So I made the long walk home and did some final touch-up work in the bathroom.

What have we learned from all of this?

1. Never ignore those painful stomach cramps. They never just "go away" on their own.
2. If you're going to be outside for any length of time, carry a wad of toilet paper with you.
3. Camera phones take lousy pictures.
4. Flies take to shit like a duck to water.


HAPPY LABOR DAY, SUCKERS!!!!!



27 comments:

Scary Monster said...

Me feels deprived that you did not eat any corn or that the macaroni did not provide for sufficient texture as to turn yer turds into a work of art.

You might have at least recorded the sounds of the explosive evacuation on yer Dyck-Pod. Then at least we could've enjoyed a vicarious poop-a-thon.

SPLAT!

ADW said...

Dyckie my boy, be very, very careful. Most of the schools I work with now have outdoor cameras mounted. I'm just sayin'..

Though it would be fun to see your face on the news.

beepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Just in, a news bulletin. They arrested a hairy clown monkey in Dyckersonville. What could such a cute little furry creature have done to cause its arrest? It broke into an empty schoolyard, shit not once, but twice and proceeded to wipe its ass with an old sweaty locker room towel. Then the cameras caught the dirty monkey dancing around with joy, waving its itty bitty willie around and throwing its feces at what looks to be an old gas grill.

Creepy, but there you have it folks....

Sorry, that one sucked!!! Just stop by and look at my pics...

Christie said...

That S'more I had earlier looked a lot like the second pile.

stan the caddy said...

fan fucking tastic
in fucking credible
un fucking believable
i am awe fucking struck
appropriate that you gave birth on 'labor day' hey Crapman?

Jenny! said...

Is your ass still sore? I may have to take a raincheck on rubbing your prostate...give me a few months when that image is wiped from my brain!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monster - That's what Photoshop is for.

ADW - There were cameras all over the place, but it was after hours. Geez, how dumb do you think I am??

Mrs. McFatty - S'more, the merrier!

Stan - Wait til you see what I do for Christmas!

Jenny - My ass is as good as new, my pet. Rub away!

Anonymous said...

what is this shit? i'm gone for a few days and you stink up the joint. bring back the whores, bitches, and sluts. LL

Stan!! said...

Your bowel contortions and rectal outpourings are truly a marvel and inspiration to people everywhere, Dyck.I have a suggestion: the (multi-functional)American issue of "Vogue" magazine at 840 pages is a boon to people who feel the urge to take a dump in the great wide open.The feel of the paper, and the smell of the printing ink, make it so much more off an experience than terrycloth.

Kitty said...

i don't know what to say. i am replused and impressed all at once.

Willo Keays said...

Ewwwww!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Somebody pooped in concrete stairwell leading to the storage room of my apartment. I assumed it was a homeless guy, but now I'm thinking it was some Dyck.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

SO many things to comment on here.

Maybe I missed this or someone else already said this, but I probably would have just given up and used my underwear, freeballing it for the long walk home. But you, you did not give up. Well played.

Open Grove Claudia said...

You wouldn't by chance be related to the Filthy Critic would you? He's obsessed with his shit too.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lindsay - Well now that you're here, all that's missing are the bitch and the slut.

Stan - Don't be ridiculous. The glossy pages would just smear everything.

Kitty - Which part repulses you?

Willo - Hey, it beats blogging about reality shows 24/7!

Dr. Loudliquid - Perhaps. Could you describe the feces?

Cherry - Who says I was wearing underwear??

Claudia - No, but he sounds like my kind of people. I'd like to hear more about him.

Sassy Blondie said...

What a waste of my time reading this! I already knew you were full of shit! No need for pictures!

Webmiztris said...

oh my god, man! WHAT DID YOU EAT? lmfao! complete with pics and everything....

thank god I didn't miss THIS post!

Pud said...

I guess it is true ~ shit happens

karla said...

Never mind the shit discussion--your AOL Instant Messenger name is "Desperado4337?" Jesus
Christ, why don't you just blow Don Henley and get it over with?

Patti said...

this is not what I had in mind upon my return from a kickass holiday weekend. I was sure you had given some hottie her Dyckersize for the week. I guess I'm not the only one who's surprised at the shitty turn of events....next time go light on the Chef Boy-I-never-knew-I-could-barf-out-my-ass! That junk probably gave you colon cancer!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blondie - A picture is worth a thousand turds!

Miz - Maybe you can use one of my poo pics for your album cover.

P - ...Then you die.

Ms. Babble - Why don't you come to your senses? You've been out ridin' fences for so long now.

Patti - Don't be dissin' the Chef! His culinary delights have been pleasing my palate since I was a wee little Dyck!

Open Grove Claudia said...

You don't know the Filthy Critic?? wow... you are twins separated at birth - he's at: www.bigempire.com/filthy

Patti said...

I'm sure your palate is quite happy...it's your colon that's threatening to abandon ship! Mark my words, you keep up this depraved and indifferent lifestyle of yours and you'll awaken one morning to the tug of your innards as your lower intestines make their mad dash out the window. It happens! I read it on the interweb and that place just don't lie.

bob cobb said...

The shit that comes out of you is.....i don't know.....you are the maestro of shit. That's quite a distinction.

Ryan said...

I can't believe I'm reading this on a day when someone actually brought fudge into the office.

Even your feces are hilarious and entertaining. I am impressed.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

How did you get it so CLOSE to the wall?

But for real that's a GIANT dump. It must have been fate that you were away from home, that way the dump wasn't destroyed by the toilet and you got to take pics of the hugeness of it. I think the towel proves my theory.

Corn Dog said...

I think this last picture is a rabbit.

~ Stacy ~ said...

What a crappy post.