9/09/2007

Fun With Spammers V: The Triumphant Return


I feel I must apologize for my recent outburst about the memes. It was rude and totally uncalled for. Don't get me wrong, I still hate memes more than life itself. I'm just a little cranky because I recently got turned down for a lucrative job offer I received in my email inbox. Read on:


Dear Sir/Madam,

Would you like to work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weekly? We are glad to offer you for a job position at our company(Interface FabricsLimited),We need someone to work for the company as a Representative/Book keeper in your country. This is in view of our not having an office presently in your country.

My name is Mr Thomas Martins currently working as a consultant here in the United Kingdom. I found this medium an opportunity to contact you and talk to you to know if you can work with our company. I work as a consultant for a fabric company in United Kingdom called Interface FabricsLimited). I will like to know if you can work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weekly.

***YOUR TASK IS TO CO-ORDINATE PAYMENTS FROM CUSTOMERS AND HELP US WITH THE PAYMENT PROCESSING***

BENEFIT IS AS FOLLOWS:
* The average monthly income is about $2000....
* No form of investments from you....
* This job takes only 1-3 hours per day....
* You do not pay any form of taxes....

REQUIEDMENTS:
* Full Name.
* Residential Address(In Full,Not P.O.BOX)
* Contact Phone number(s).
* Email.
* Age.
* Occupation.
* Bank Name(Only).

Reply me as soon as possible if you are interested for more details to this email (interfacefabricsll_001@yahoo.de) and I will be glad to get back to you within 24hr.

Best Regards
Thomas Martins
MANGER : INTERFACE FABRICS



Now I ask you, how am I to turn down an offer like that??? Here is my response to Mr. Martins.....

Dear Mr. Martins,

Bless you for contacting me via this medium about the job position with your company (Interface FabricsLimited). Yes, I would be thrilled to work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weakly. Your offer could not come at a better time, as I am struggling to pay my legal bills after getting caught by security cameras in a somewhat compromising position. I also do not have an orifice in this country, but I enjoy interfacing with fabrics and I feel I would be a real asshat for your company (Interface FabricsLimited).

**PLEASE CONTACT ME URGENTLY ABOUT HOW I CAN APPLY FOR THIS EXCITING JOB POSITION AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU ALL INTENDS TO CONDUCT A BACKGROUND CHECK**

I am currently looking forwards for your reply.

Best regards,
Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson



Sure enough, Mr. Martins kept his promise and replied within 24 hours. What a guy.....


Dear Mr. Dyckerson,

Your email is well noted by us and we want you to fill the Requiement below before payment can be send to you by ower costomers.

REQUIEDMENTS:
* Full Name.
* Residential Address(In Full,Not P.O.BOX).
* Contact Phone number(s).
* Email.
* Age.
* Occupation.
* Bank Name(Only).

Best Regards
Thomas Martins
MANGER : INTERFACE FABRICS



This is a man who knows how to get down to business. I like that. Here is my response.....


Dear Mr. Martins,

First and foreskin, please feel free to call me "Mighty." My father was Mr. Dyckerson. Now before I begin filling out the REQUIEDMENTS, could you tell me more about your benefits package? I understand I will get paid weakly, but does your company (Interface FabricsLimited) offer health insurance? I only ask because I recently contracted a nasty rash from my associate RevRee and I would like to get treated before it spreads any farther. Also, I will need two days off in October so I can attend a Star Trek convention in Nigeria. I can probably get you a ticket if you would like to go. It is really beautiful there this time of year.

Thank you again and I looks forward to servicing yore costomers.

Best regards,
Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson



After not receiving a reply within 24 hours, I started to get worried. I decided I better follow up.....

Dear Mr. Martins,

I hope you did not take offense to my last email concerning benefits. If so, please accept my apologies. I can do without the health insurance and vacation time. Your company (Interface FabricsLimited) comes first in my book.

Here are the REQUIEDMENTS you requiested:

* Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson
* 3000 West Alameda Ave., Burbank, CA 91523*
* 213-466-5103*
* mightydyckerson@yahoo.com
* 69
* Entrepreneur
* First Bank of Switzerland

Thank you again for understanding. I look forward to your urgent reply.

Mitonimous Q. Dyckerson


* This was the address and phone number to write for tickets to the game show "Super Password." The show has been out of production for 18 years.


Shortly thereafter, I received the following rather terse message from Mr. Martins.....

FUCK OFF ASSHOLE.


Damn, was it something I said? I knew I shouldn't have asked off those two days. Oh well, perhaps opportunity will knock again someday! Until then, you may read about my previous encounters with spammers in Mighty Dyckerson's Fun With Spammers Collection!


20 comments:

Legaleagle said...

I love screwing with the spammers! Thanks for the laugh!

Jenny! said...

You can fuck with my spam anytime!

Scary Monster said...

Iffin there be anything that knows how to fuck with people it be the DYCK!!

STOMP.

Scary Monster said...

Kinda crazy how dem spammers be talkin like the Scary Monster, huh?

Iffin you'll be kindly enough to sending the true and honestly information that those people were requestin from you, than Me can show you how to create an air of mistery and an imagunary suspense account to draw the less fortunit into yer web

Sincity,
The sorry stomping monster.

puerileuwaite said...

Is fleece considered a fabric? And did you stop to consider that fucking off IS a benefit? At least at MY company it is.

Anonymous said...

This is just too long and complicated! No pictures to look at even! Jeez! LL

Lucy said...

Wow! You're lucky you even got a chance to mess around with the spammer. Most often those email addresses don't lead to anyone and get bounced back. But I respect your persistence, Mr. Dyckerson. You truly have a talent in pissing off unwanted correspondents. Have you ever considered Stand-up comedy?

I just finished a series on a very similar topic on my blog--hecklers! I would love it if you dropped by and left an insightful message. It would be an honor to hear how you respond to crass outbursts.

Stop by:

Quest for comedic Stardom:
http://standup101.blogspot.com

Stan!! said...

Yo Lucy, Dyck's got crass outbursts down to a fine art. But hey, that's what draws us to Dyck.
Mighty D, it's great to see you're going mano-a-mano with the spammers. You are not alone.I too have been involved in a lengthy correspondence with a Mr Danko Salam of the Bank of Africa,
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.He's got two million bucks to give away....and I'm negotiating a special deal with him to throw in his wife and kids as complimentary extras.
You can reach my man Danko at the following:
danko_salam2007@latinmail.com
danko_salam18@hotmail.fr

How else u gonna pay those legal fees, Dyck?

Crunchy BC said...

That may be the most satisfying "FUCK OFF ASSHOLE" I've "heard" so far today.

Well done.

Webmiztris said...

if this is all true, you are seriously my hero, dyck! I've been turned down for plenty of jobs, but I've never received a Fuck Off Asshole. That's quite the accomplishment!

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm shocked that you didn't get the job. I bet that was a real hit to your self esteem. I think investing with Stan's friend in Nigeria is the only solution.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

He didn't want your banks routing and account #'s for direct deposit? What an amateur.

Even a Hor deals in PayPal these days.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - Please, you'd love screwing anybody.

Jenny - I'd rather fuck with your tuna!

Monster 1 - It's my specialty. Me have 35 years of experience.

Monster 2 - Actually me thinks the spammers are a bit more coherent than you are.

P - Old Navy sells it, so I assume it's a cheap fabric.

Lindsay - Please don't pass out on my blog.

Lucy - I've considered stand-up comedy...but alas, I'm allergic to brick walls.

Stan - Africa has a bank? What do they keep there, tsetse flies??

CBC - Give it time, the day's not over yet.

Miz - I've got a "job" for ya, and I promise I won't turn you down!

Claudia - Any friend of Stan's is a fiend of mine.

Hor - Do you take debit and credit cards too?

Jenny! said...

I can bust out the roast beef if you'd like!

-=StreetJesus=- said...

Too damn funny dude! I would say you win!

Yeah Him said...

The Africans love me when it comes to banking opportunities.

All the same, I find it more fun to send back replies to real mail stuff from the Sierra Club and those type of people who want you to save the world but don't think 2x about sending mulitple mailings to everyone on their list every month.

ADW said...

I hung up on a retarded person collecting money yesterday (=

Sornie said...

I've never actually played along so I've never had such a terse response from someone. Nice work and as a confession, I hung up on some one soliciting money for barack obama's campaign last week.

Sassy Blondie said...

So this means that the emails I keep getting about winning the lotto overseas just isn't true? Damn! I wish I hadn't quit my job now!

peter o'tool said...

i have a low spam count myself these days, mainly due to tight underpanties.