9/21/2007

Check Out My Package!

Guess what was waiting to greet me when I came home Friday night! No, it wasn't the Hor dressed as a French chamber maid. That was Thursday night. It was THIS:


That's right, ladies and germs! It's the ONKYO TX-SR505S 7.1 Channel Home Theater Receiver!! I know what you're thinking right now: "Dyckerson, that must have set you back a pretty penny!" Well think again, Copernicus! I ordered that baby last week from the good folks at Amazon.com for a paltry $219.99. That's a savings of $79.01, or 26% off the list price! Retail is for CHUMPS!! I invested in this versatile piece of hardware to replace my aging stereo receiver, which I never even bothered to hook up when I moved last year.

Now without further adieu, behold for yourself...the TX-SR505S in all its unwrapped glory:


Isn't it beautiful?? It's also available in black, but I went with the silvery finish because it's shinier, and everybody knows shinier is better. (If you get one for yourself, just make sure you avoid the lead version from China.)

Now you're probably wondering exactly what the TX-SR505S is all about. Allow me to put it in layman's terms for you simpletons. The TX-SR505S boasts 75 Watts per Channel Minimum into 8 Ohms, 20 Hz-20 kHz, 0.08%, FTC (2 Channels Driven); 100 Watts per Channel Minimum into 6 Ohms, 1 kHz, 0.1%, FTC (2 Channels Driven), DTS-ES Discrete/Matrix, DTS Neo:6, DTS 96/24, Dolby Digital EX, Dolby Pro Logic Iix, 2 HDMI Inputs and 1 Output (1080p Pass-Thru to HD Ready Displays), and Color-Coded 7.1-Multichannel Inputs (Receive 7.1 Surround Sound from Compatible Blu-ray and HD-DVD Players).

Impressive, ain't it??! And it's a cinch to install! All you need is a few common household tools...such as scissors, a flashlight, wire cutters, needle nose pliers, a flathead screwdriver, a crimping tool, vice grips, a soldering iron, cable ties, a blowtorch, an air compressor, a hacksaw, blasting caps, adhesive tape, a staple gun, at least 10,000 feet of assorted cables, and a heating pad. Actually, the heating pad isn't required, but it sure is relaxing after you've spent three hours on your hands and knees hooking up this piece of shit.

The TX-SR505S comes with a big thick user's manual, but being a man, dependence on any kind of instructions is a sure sign of weakness. Instead, I rely solely on my gut. I mean, how hard could it be?? Here, I'll walk you through it.

You start with the speakers. We're talking surround sound here, so you'll need about 50 speakers of various shapes and sizes. And make sure you get the expensive speaker wire. You know, the kind where the insulation is all ONE COLOR, so you have to trace the positive and negative leads all the way across the fucking room so you don't get the wires crossed and end up blowing up the goddamn TX-SR505S, sending shards of silvery shrapnel deep inside your flesh. Once you have your expensive speaker wire laid out, rip the insulation off the ends and jam the exposed wire into the speaker holes. If you find you have more holes than speakers, simply shove paper clips in the unused holes.

Now it's time to hook up your components. This too is a breeze. Let's start with your cable or satellite box. If you have the HDMI, you'll want to use that connection. If you don't have the HDMI (or don't know what the hell it is), you'll have to settle for component and/or composite cables. If you don't have those either, you'll need some more paper clips. Once you have your cable or satellite box hooked up, it's time to connect your VCR or DVD recording apparatus. The beauty of the TX-SR505S is that it accepts component OR composite input from your recorder, but it only provides composite output back to the recorder. And because the TX-SR505S can't convert the signal, you're pretty much forced to go composite in to your recorder. Now you're ready to hook the receiver to your TV. I hope you still have plenty of cables, 'cause you'll need a set of output cables to match every kind of cable you have going in to the TX-SR505S! Component, composite, HDMI, S-video - you got an empty hole, you better shove something in that motherfucker! How about audio? You got a CD player or DyckPod? You better stick that in there too. And unless you're a complete jackass, you'll want to use the fancy schmancy optical cables. After an hour or two of this bullshit, your living room floor will look like R2-D2 threw up on it.


Let's talk about remote controls. By now you probably have 83 of them. Each one of them is "universal," but not quite "universal" enough to control all the advanced functions of all your components. So basically you have to keep them all within reach. One time I programmed my DVR remote to send a power-off command to the TV remote. Then I programmed the TV remote to echo that command back to the DVR, which in turn sent the signal back to the TV. They've been fighting it out for two years now.

OK, so now you're ready to watch some top-quality video entertainment. Piece o' cake! First, turn on your cable or satellite box. Then turn on your TX-SR505S. Then turn on your TV. Select the channel you want to watch on your cabllite box. Then select the appropriate input on the TX-SR505S. Depending on how you connected your cabllite box, you may also have to change inputs on your TV. But then again, you may not. Now adjust your volume settings. What's that? You say you can't hear anything? Dumbass, you probably forgot to assign your audio to the proper input when you configured your components. The TX-SR505S isn't a mind reader, you know. You'll need to unhook everything and start over again.

Perhaps by now you're sorry you purchased the TX-SR505S. Perhaps you'd like to return it and get your money back. But because you bought it online to save your cheap ass few bucks, you're pretty much STUCK WITH IT. My recommendation: Take your TX-SR505S to the roof of your house and drop it on your neighbor's retarded kids when they're playing in the yard. Now THAT'S what I call entertainment.


32 comments:

Nancy said...

Onkyo TX-SR505S whaaat???

I couldn't get pass the flowery door mat ... *wink*

Scary Monster said...

Yeah, Yahoo! Me be first. First ya hear. Fuck commenting on the post to hell with all the stupid jokes me were gonna make about that piece of crap stereo whatchyamacallit, Cuz Me be first to comment here. Yarrr, eat this, suckers....

STOMP

Scary Monster said...

Oh well.... Good luck with the new TX-SR505S. It really does look like a nice reciever.


SULK.

Nancy said...

Scary: If you left off the STOMP, you probably would have been first *smirk*

Stan!! said...

Look Dyck, your adoring devotees are about to come to blows.....over who posted first.
I'll say this: that was one mother-fucking long post. On the substantive issue at hand, you do get some nice functionality for the price with the Onkyo but if you have a lot of devices, you might wish for more inputs. If you are on a budget, this unit is a great choice. But hey, beggars can't be choosers...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nancy - Congrats on being my FIRST COMMENTER!! For that you've won the exciting GRAND PRIZE: A slighty damaged ONKYO TX-SR505S and ten feet of SPEAKER CABLE!!!

Monster - For being our loser, we have for you three grains of RICE-A-RONI, the San Francisco treat.

Stan - I wish somebody would come to blows over my unit, if you know what I'm saying.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

It looks more like R2D2 had a "sexy-time explosion."

Lulu said...

O Mighty Dyck, you are clearly a technical genius. Maybe I can entice you to come over to my place and program my vcr to stop flashing "12:00".

Randomness said...

This has nothing to do with your blog, I was just letting you know that I am back! Did you miss me?

Willo Keays said...

Now that DOES sound like good, CLEAN fun ;)

Willo Keays said...

who's randomness??

Stan!! said...

Whaddyamean who's Randomness? Who could forget Dyck's landmark "Ode to Randomness"? It was a major literary event some months back. The "Ode" also appears to have prompted the mysterious disappearance of Randomness in circumstances that remain unclear to this very day...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. Loudliquid - I just hope he used protection.

Lulu - That's what masking tape is for.

Randomness - Were you gone??

Willo - She's just another one of my obsessed fans. I knew she'd come crawling back to me. They always do.

Stan - I know who is responsible for Randomness' disappearance. He's a certain former football player whose first name sounds like a beverage commonly enjoyed in the morning. That's right, I'm talking about JOE NAMATH.

Yeah Him said...

Enjoy your new toy...

ROCK AND ROLL!!!

well, something like that.

stan the caddy said...

your nose is currently 15 inches long....

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing through, but I do commend you on the choice of the shiny over the black. Shiny really IS better.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Ya know this is going to be the SECOND time I've had to repremand you for lying about us having sex.

You dirty skank just because your my neigbor and offered to help me out by letting me clean your house
does not give you the right to insult me.

And God what gives with all the dirty dildos under your bed?? If they wouldn't have had that funky ass smell on them I MIHGT have got turned on - and yeah btw I'm NOT vacuming under there again.

And NO you can't pay me in the manner you suggested, I want my money bitch.

MsPuddin said...

“All you need is a few common household tools...such as scissors, a flashlight, wire cutters, needle nose pliers, a flathead screwdriver, a crimping tool, vice grips, a soldering iron, cable ties, a blowtorch, an air compressor, a hacksaw, blasting caps, adhesive tape, a staple gun, at least 10,000 feet of assorted cables, and a heating pad.”- Sounds like my accessories for getting ready in the morning. I was going to say you forgot the blowtorch, but oh no, it’s in there…

Men and their “toys” I will never completely understand.

MsP

Effortlessly Average said...

"I know what you're thinking right now:"

Yeah, where's the post and pictures about Hor dressed as a French chamber maid?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Him - Thanks. Or whatever.

Caddy - Are you calling me a liar??

Cherry - I couldn't be bothered to respond to your comment.

Hor - I don't know anything about any dirty dildos. They must've been left there by the previous owner when he moved.

Ms. Puddin - You forgot about your spatula and chisel.

Fortless - Those are available only to paying subscribers.

ADW said...

Blah blah blah. Where are the poon posts?

Beth said...

what I think is really special is your pretty little doormat there.....very precious Dyckerson.

sudiegirl said...

Whoa...I'm all for dropping electronic devices on the less fortunate. Let's just hope they don't return the favor.

stan the caddy said...

No, I'm calling you yella bellied. yer yella!

Little Lamb said...

Just more TV channels

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - I've got the "post" if you've got the poon.

Beth - You're a dick.

Sudie - I once had a betamax machine dropped on my wang. They're both obsolete now.

Caddy - Them is fightin' words!

Lambo - You foolish ball of lint. You know not what you speak of.

stan the caddy said...

Yer on muthafucka. Ever been to a cockfight mr dyckerson?

Sudiegirl said...

Wow...fighting chickens? I'm as turned on as Gonzo the Great!

Save me a wing, willya?

and PS: you thought Monday's blog entry was long? My god...at least I varied the topics a little bit. Dude.

Patti said...

what if I try to stick my input where my output should be? I hear some people like that but I'm not sure I'm one of them. Is there something in the manual for that?

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck, you're scaring me. We are having oddly similar issues with packages of electronic equipment...the universe must be off-kilter when I find myself agreeing with you more and more.

Crunchy BC said...

Just bought the Sony version which is expected to arrive today. Now I wish I hadn't read this post (as always).

~ Stacy ~ said...

Dork.