9/12/2007

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I would like to be hospitalized for a lengthy period of time.

I know most people tend to hate hospitals. I am not one of those people. Call me crazy, but I would like nothing more than to be laid up in a private room with an adjustable bed, color TV, and round-the-clock maid service. I would like to have bland meals brought to me on a plastic tray by a sexy nurse wearing a tight-fitting uniform. I would like the aforementioned nurse to feed me with a spoon and scrub me with a loofah. I would like to piss in a bag and shit in a pot without having to leave the bed, and I would like an underpaid orderly to clean up the mess. I would like a breathing tube to relieve me of all this pesky inhaling and exhaling, and I would like an I.V. tube to feed morphine into my system 24/7. I would like to be showered with cards, flowers, and confections by people I hardly know or care about. And most of all, I would like all of this to be paid for by someone who isn't me.

I'm not sick, nor have I recently sustained any debilitating injuries. I am just tired of everything and I need a fucking break.

I am tired of alarm clocks. I am tired of personal hygiene. I am tired of fighting the same goddamn traffic every day to go the same goddamn job and interacting with the same goddamn people. I am tired of pressing buttons on electronic devices. I am tired of listening to people and processing their words with my brain. I am tired of pumping gas. I am tired of loading my piece-of-shit dishwasher, only to end up having to wash everything by hand anyway. I am tired of coins. I am tired of reading and writing, but not of 'rithmetic. I am tired of doing laundry. I am tired of waiting in line at the store behind morons who, when they get to the register, are genuinely surprised that they are expected to actually PAY for their items, and who therefore spend 20 minutes of MY TIME searching for their cash or their debit card or their checkbook or their fucking food stamps. I am tired of bending down to tie my shoes. I am tired of looking at my neighbor's dogs when I take out the trash. I am tired of taking out the trash.

I think being in a coma would be very relaxing, as long as nobody pulled the plug on my ass.

I'd like to tell everyone I know that I am dying of a brain tumor. Boy, I'd really be the center of attention then, wouldn't I? Everybody would be all worried about me and shit. They'd bring me homemade soup and offer me pillows. No one would dare ask me to do squat...and if they did, I'd just say "Hey asshole, I have a brain tumor!" And if I ever did anything stupid like lose my car keys or forget somebody's name, I could just play the tumor card. People would be like, "Poor Dyckerson, that brain tumor is really getting to him now." It would be a free pass to say or do anything I wanted.

Life is too fucking complicated.

I'm thinking about selling all my shit on eBay and cashing in my 401K. I'll buy a tent and live off the land the rest of my life. No job, no mortgage, no taxes. I'll grow a long scraggly beard and carry a stick. I'll spend spring and summer at the beach, autumn in the mountains, and in the winter I'll hibernate like a bear. Yeah, I could get used to that real easy.

And I wouldn't miss you fuckers one damn bit.

28 comments:

Stan!! said...

Lately, I've come across quite a few people who are struggling to see the sunny side of life. The truth is, Dycko, people who feel guilty for being sexual beings have a whole range of difficulties in other parts of their lives. Actually, a new study has found that men who participate in BDSM activities are more likely to be happier than other men...Think about it Dyck. In time, you might get to enjoy being trussed up like a pig and sitting over a fireplace and rotisserie playing at being the main course.

Krissie said...

I think being in a coma would be very relaxing, as long as nobody pulled the plug on my ass.

But don't you fear people would be standing in line to do the job?

Kristine said...

Somebody call the whambulance!

Patti said...

you are SO the type to get anally raped while in a coma or eaten by a family of hedgehogs out in the wild....

you're much better off getting Life's simpler bend-over versus the one that's coming to you outside of structured society.

It's a jungle out there Dyck, and you my friend are wearing pork chop undies.

write that down.

Sudiegirl said...

Wow - I've never wished anyone to be eaten by a family of hedgehogs. I thought they were herbivores anyway??

Anyway, I'm sad that you wouldn't miss me, Mr. Dyckerson...after all, I am so adorable!

(quit gagging.)

~ Stacy ~ said...

Yeah, life is too fucking complicated. And having to 'process words with your brain'--what a pain in the ass.

Speaking of that... Mr. Dyckerson, dear, I don't think the aforementioned 'plug' goes in your ass. But, you know, to each his own.

Now c'mere, poor Dyckerson, and let me give you a hug.

karla said...

Once again, your post makes no sense. How can you be tired of personal hygiene when you haven't even given it a try?

Crunchy BC said...

The Mighty Schiavo?

MsPuddin said...

I once went to Target and got stuck behind a lady who paid $27.32 all in change! I don’t mean exact change, I mean everything was, quarter, dimes, nickels and pennies. Wtf? B*tch!

And I hate to rain on your pity parade, but my dad was just in the hospital and let me tell you his nurses were the complete opposite of what you just described. Good luck with that…

MsP

Sudiegirl said...

Nobody's answered the question about whether groundhogs are herbivores or carnivores. C'mon, give!

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Herbies

Kadonkadonk said...

Geezuz fuck - how hard is it to look that shit up? Since I work at a zoo, I'll make it even easier for you: Hedgehogs are insectivores. Groundhogs are herbivores.

And Dyck would more likely get eaten by hoary mormots.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You know what else I'm tired of? Responding to each individual comment on my blog. Fuck that shit.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I could see you being a GREAT crazy guy with a stick. Don't give up on your dream, brotha'.

stan the caddy said...

Feelin' poopy? I can help. First of all, you won't be showered with cards and gifts. Secondly, buy a Bosch or an Asko dishwasher you dumb fuck. Third, it's not a brain tumor you'll get, it's a nutsack tumor (how do ya like them apples?) and lastly STOP WHINING! Have a nice day.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck, can I live with you in your tent? I'm sick and tired of most things lately...although personal hygiene is very important to me.

sudiegirl said...

It's really hard for me to look it up, apparently, since I'm coming here for my zoological fact-finding.

*sigh*

After all, Dyckerson is one of my idols and role models...right up there with Slim Whitman and that dancing old guy in the Six Flags commercials.

Wait a minute...maybe that WAS Dyckerson in those Six Flags commercials?????

I've had an epiphany, methinks.

Stan!! said...

I see you haven't lost your Asshole-ness in the last 24 hours. Well, before you supersize that next self-pity meal, Dyck... you might wanna quit feeling sorry for your lame self, go learn a new language or how to play the flute or something. What matters now is your self-esteem, you simple minded cocksucker....

Sudiegirl said...

Stan, does the self-pity meal come with a prize? 'cuz I need a new yo-yo or a windey up thing that hops.

Scary Monster said...

Me would have traded places with you in a New Yawk minute, You clown.

Hey, buddy come on over fer breakfast sometime soon, ya.

STOMPS!!!!!!

Stan!! said...

Sudiegirl,
Yes, the self-pity meal does come with a prize. How about a 5" tall
Jesus action figure complete with
poseable arms and wheels in the base. While stocks last....

Bob Cobb from the Cobb Family Farms in Cobb County said...

Bad day at the office dude?

MsPuddin said...

Answer me! Answer me, God damnit!

MsP

Christie said...

Is it wrong that I am so turned on by your bitchiness? Can I come live with you at the beach? I promise to cook dinner every night.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Dyck seriously you've a lot of chicks offer themselves up from this post - You bastard you're on to something.

Yeah Him said...

Hopefully, your retirement people will let you withdraw from them - my company won't - googlie mooglie!! nevertheless, the whole part of telling people you're going to die of a horrible disease is actually doing it. People get upset if you end up living.

I think that was a Seinfeld episode with Jon Lovitz.

Effortlessly Average said...

Good God man, you want some cheese with that whine?

And I don't buy for a second that crap about selling all your goods and living on the beach or under a bridge or where ever it was and that you'd never miss us. I think you'd miss the *cough* adoration *cough* too much.

Willo Keays said...

"Life is too fucking complicated."

Yep. It is. But that's why the Docs made Happy pills. Know where I can get some?