8/04/2007

Troubled Bridge Over Water


So we had the big Minneapolis Bridge clusterfuck this week. Never a dull moment in the good ol' U S of A, am I right folks?? But seriously, my deepest condolences to the victims and their families. That has to suck major donkey balls. I mean, how unlucky do you have to be to have a bridge collapse from under you while you're driving across it??! You have better odds of winning the state lottery, getting struck by lightning, and winning a different state lottery...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!

Having said all that, don't you think we're overreacting just a little bit? The bridge collapse was a horrible tragedy. But I think this falls under the category of SHIT HAPPENS. The world is a dangerous place, and we can only do so much to make it safer. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't investigate the accident and print up a nice report and put it in a fancy little three-ring binder and pass it around to the media so they can take pictures of the binder and then get 10-second soundbites from a dipshit P.R. goon and put it on the six o'clock news. But I don't think it's necessary to shut down and reinspect EVERY FUCKING BRIDGE IN THE COUNTRY just because one of them happened to be "structurally deficient." Hell, most of my readers are MENTALLY deficient, but you don't see me killing them off, do you? We're talking about BRIDGES, not cans of tainted pet food. Besides, I'm betting the investigators will probably trace the cause to a pea-sized hole in a hunk of metal that came that way from the factory. That's always the way these things turn out.

Then we have the morons on the news screaming "OUR INFRASTRUCTURE IS CRUMBLING!" Is it me, or does this sound eerily similar to "THE SKY IS FALLING"??? Reporters love to say "infrastructure" because it sounds like they know what they're talking about . Politicians are taking advantage of the incident to press for funding for roads and highways. Then they'll hire private contractors to do the work, who will in turn give the politicians big fat kickbacks. You can't win.

So what's the magic solution? There is no magic solution. Life is short. Don't waste it sitting in gridlock while construction crews spend the next 50 years trying to rebuild our interstate system because we have a few potholes. Instead, TAKE A FUCKING CHANCE every once in a while, you damn pansies. We're all gonna die sometime. Except me. I'm having my scrotum cryogenically frozen.

32 comments:

Jenny! said...

Just your scrotum??? What fun is that...I would want the whole popsicle!

People are fucking pussies!

cyberhostage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scary Monster said...

Once they be frozen you could tie a string around them and use em fer click clacks.

STOMP.

P.S. You won!

puerileuwaite said...

Just to be safe, officials should only allow one vehicle at a time over each span nationwide. Why take chances?

Dixie said...

Tell me about it! Here in Georgia they are doing a huge expose' in the news about the bridges here.

And congrats for winning! or well at least you tied.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenny - Sorry, they don't make a cryogenic chamber large enough.

Monster - I tied. Dyckerson is not pleased. More to come.

P - Good idea. That means no speed traps on bridges!

Dixie - I've got something I'd like to expose, baby.

Jenny! said...

Bastards!

Yeah Him said...

My dad was telling me about all of the spazzes they were trotting out on the news who were crying whiplash while headbanging their skulls around like they were at a Slayer concert.

Oh for the right to profit off of people who think they're the ones to benefit in a wrongful injury suit. I really do need a new job.

Beth said...

well, dyckerson...I'm glad you're freezing your balls....we need more Dyckerson's in the world, but you know they are going to have to be artificially inseminated, cuz who in their right mind would ever have sex with you?! ;)

tfg said...

That would make a good Ben & Jerry's flavor: Icy Gonad.

RevRee said...

This is not the time or place

ADW said...

I am trying to figure out what frozen Dyck scrotum would taste like.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Him - Your dad sounds like good people. What the hell happened to you??

Beth - Your daughter wasn't complaining when I was with her last night!

TFG - That's nothing new. What do you think Chunky Monkey is made from??

RevRee - Stop stealing my line.

ADW - Tastes like chicken.

Magnum PO said...

Over-reation is the name of the game! You can get any bill passed now, as long as you throw in a bridge repair subclause. Who's going to vote against THAT now?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I heard Barry Bonds wears his frozen scrotum in a thimble-sized necklace.

RandyRape KidFukkker said...

Heehee ha-ha!!!

You know what's really funny?

Breast cancer.


HAHAHaHaHahahaha!!!!!!

Ernie said...

Looks like Dr Kenneth Noisewater is just another fan of the perennial loser Chicago Cubs who is jealous of the great Barry Bonds and the great city of San Francisco. This is to be expected. I have been to Chicago and I feel for the people trapped there.

Ryan said...

yeah everyone needs to relax with this bridge stuff. It's the tunnels we have to worry about!

istanbultory said...

Clearly, we do need more Dyckerson's in the world. ıt's not widely known that the fella is revered as a demi-god by old and young alike here in Istanbul. And rightly so. Mr Dyckerson, were I a female, I would willingly and joyously sacrifice my innards for the greater good.

Christie said...

Seriously, Dick totally looks like his character in Little Bush. I love how he talks "wawawawawa fucker wawawawawa".

And I'm not too sure about little Dyck's running around. The world is scary enough, don't you think.

Webmiztris said...

seriously, everyone does need to calm down. shit does happen and you can't live like a hermit in fear of everything. just because one bridge collapsed doesn't mean they're all going to collapse!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Magnum - Who would vote against it?? The Ferry Enthusiasts of America, for one.

Dr. K - I hear he's into cockfighting now.

Randy - Alrighty then.

Ernie - Oprah does her show in Chicago. Lord help me, I LOVES the Oprah!!

Ryan - We have a bridge-tunnel combo near me. That's just disaster waiting to happen.

Stan - Who says you have to be female??

Christie - Have no fear. I am a Dyckerson of peace and love. Now show me your ta-tas!

Miz - You took the words right out of my mouth. Now I have something for your mouth. ;)

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

If we freeze my boobs with your balls then will they breast feed the baby? It's important.

Christie said...

You can't handle my ta-ta's. They are much too big for your little midget hands.

Sassy Blondie said...

I can't even think of anything to say. Damn!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - How about me freeze my wang and your booty instead?

Christie - Oooh, that sounds like a challenge! You're on!!!

Blondie - I think that says it all.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Only if my booty gets to bring it's mace, me and a bat.

And what? My boobs aren't good enough for ya? Huh? That what yer sayin? Freakin men, my boobs are getting quite the complex lately. *whisper while looking down shirt* "It's ok girls, you're still cute, ignore those dirty boys"

andy said...

Well, dyck, once again I'm completely inspired. I'm not even using bridges anymore. If my 95 HOnda Prelude can't double as a boat, then fuck it.

Dixie said...

Well, what's stopping you?

Patti said...

I bet the bridge was made in China. Seems everything from that country is being deemed "deficient" or that other fancy word (what was it again?)....

oh yeah..."lethal".

eh. If it wasn't a bridge, it would've been a baby grand piano dropped from the 5th story of their office complex....or a robbery gone wrong, or a disease, or a heart attack, or a bear mauling or a sting ray barb....or

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hor - Chill out! There simply isn't enough room for my mammoth schlong and your bodacious tits.

Andy - My condolences on your crappy vehicle. For your sake, I hope it sinks like a stone.

Dixie - Why don't you come over to my place for a sleepover?

Patti - You know the problem with crossing a Chinese bridge? An hour later, you want to cross it again! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Yeah Him said...

All hail the Snarlin' mug of Dick.

Then again, you don't have to smile when you control the universe.