8/12/2007

Merv Griffin's Final Jeopardy!

I was never a big fan of Merv. There, I said it. I know it's generally considered in bad taste to say something mean about someone right after they've croaked - even if they were a complete SHIT BISCUIT - but Dyckerson has never been known to follow the rules of good taste. For example, see May 2006 post entitled Screw the Handicrapped.

But let's get back to why I hate Merv Griffin. He always struck me as a BLOATED, NO-TALENT BAG OF GAS. In all the footage I have ever seen of him, he was always wearing something silk, with a martini in one hand and a butt in the other. Basically a fat Hugh Hefner, without all the whores. I don't think the man ever worked an honest day in his life. He certainly never broke a sweat. Although I have to hand it to him. He was incredibly average, yet he somehow managed to parlay that into millions of dollars. That is my dream, and I shall achieve it someday if I ever get my invention patented. It's a combination toilet and crepe maker - I call it "The Creper."

There I go getting sidetracked again. Back to Merv. Remember the talk show he used to have? Neither do I. It was syndicated, but I don't think it ever aired in my market. In fact, I don't know ANYBODY who lives in a city that carried the Merv Griffin Show. Sometimes I wonder if the fucking show actually aired at all. Maybe Merv just interviewed celebrities in his house, like that episode of "Seinfeld" where Kramer buys the old Merv Griffin set and starts calling everybody niggers. I can't imagine the torture it must have been to be interviewed by that SCHMOOZING OLD WINDBAG. I've had conversations with BAGS OF RICE that were more interesting.

Then there was Merv the game show creator. In case you didn't know, Merv was the genius behind "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy," two of the most UNORIGINAL half-hours of television ever conceived. "Wheel of Fortune" is fucking HANGMAN, people! And "Jeopardy" is only the FIVE THOUSANDTH game show to ever use the Q-&-A format. The whole "answer in the form of a question" thing was just a GODDAMN GIMMICK to set it apart from the rest. And that part wasn't even Merv's idea! IT WAS HIS WIFE'S!! Yet somehow Merv Griffin is lauded as a game show pioneer.

While Merv wasn't stealing game show ideas, he liked to play piano. Good for him. As much FREE TIME as that bastard had for the last 25 years, he should have been a virtuoso at EVERY MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVER INVENTED. Did you know old Merv wrote the "Jeopardy" theme? What a masterpiece. Three notes repeated over and over and over again. In spite of his enormous wealth, the old skinflint couldn't shell out a few bucks for a professional songwriter. I was watching a clip today where he said he wrote the "Jeopardy" theme in 15 minutes. He says this with great pride, mind you. Not only could I write that piece of shit in 15 minutes, but I'd still have 14.5 minutes left to look at pictures of Ms. Babble's illegitimate children. Yet again, somehow Merv Griffin is considered to be a musical genius.

Then there was Merv the singer. It's the same deal with his lameass talk show. Can you name a single Merv Griffin album??! OF COURSE YOU CAN'T!!! His only hit was the horrendous novelty song, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts"...and HE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT!!! If an artist recorded a piece of shit like that today, they'd be laughed out of the music industry - and rightfully so.

Finally, there was Merv the real estate typhoon. Apparently he owned a bunch of hotels and shit...because you know, that's what rich people do. They buy property. It's an easy investment, and requires virtually no knowledge or talent. You pay agents to conduct the transaction, and you hire goons to manage the property. Then you wait for the checks to come in. Obviously not something working stiffs like us can do, but for someone who wipes his ass with portraits of Ben Franklin, it's all in a day's work.

In spite of all that, I'm sorry the old guy croaked. In honor of Merv, I'm going over to Jenny's house and having her examine my prostate. Time to break out the rubber glove, baby!! Daddy's coming home!!!

40 comments:

Tyler Durden said...

http://bigbidness45.imeem.com/music/7z4WH5Lr/jeopardy_theme/

Enjoy.

Tyler Durden said...

dammit! Blogger did not wrap the URL. Well it was the jeopardy song. Fuck it. I'm not looking for the damn link again.

ADW said...

Dyckiepoo, I'm back. I bet you missed me - like the clap or syphillis, the burning sensation bugs the shit out of you while it's there, but you miss it a little when it's gone. Get to scratchin'.

Kisses *****

So you don't like the Griffster??? Duh. You don't like anyone. Other than us whores.

Patti said...

you should be ashamed! Sullying the memory of my grandfather that way.

No? Okay he wasn't my grandfather. BUT I was conceived to the tune of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts". That almost counts.

Well, that would count if I had bigger tits. Maybe ones the SIZE OF a lovely couple of coconuts. But, whatever....

To be quite honest I didn't even know who he was nor could I name a single reason I should recognize his name (even though I did if only vaguely...like "Dick Cheney" or "Alfie"...I don't know WHY those names ring a distant bell in my mind but they do).

Where was I? Oh yes, I wish I had Merv's tits ....or something like that.....carry on!

Scary Monster said...

Me don't care iffin ya like the Merve or not , but he saved Me mom from from an advanced case of alcoholism and Me wil be forever grateful. Me might even be havin some of he genes...
STOMP.

Dixie said...

I've always called the Wheel of Fortune, the Wheel of Torture! I hate that show. And I hate Jeopardy because of the guy that hosts it. He's irritating.

Screw Merv.

Christie said...

Man, can you write my obituary for me when I keel over? Just please don't use the word "whore" or "titties" too many times. We don't want to offend anyone.

Webmiztris said...

gosh, this guy really was a waste! good riddance! ;)

blog Portland said...

You cruel bastard. Alex Trebek and Pat Sajek have lost both a close friend and the third to their weekend octogenarian ass orgies.

Dyck!! said...

Tyler - You get paid 6 figures, and you can't even properly post a link?? I hope all of those figures are ZEROS!!!

ADW - Do I know you?

Patti - You bring up a good point. I'm sure Merv's man tits were quite impressive.

Monster - You're related to Merv??! Now I hate him even MORE!

Dixie - Ooooh, I'm sorry. You didn't phrase that comment in the form of a question.

Christie - Well then it's going to be a short obit.

Miz - I suggest you smash a guitar on his grave.

McFatty - Too bad. Maybe Bob Barker can take his place. He has plenty of free time now.

Jenny! said...

I will make sure to wear nothing but my stethescope when you arrive...my gloves are already on baby! Oh, and don't forget to bring my anal beads back!

Mistress Empyrean said...

Examnining, milking, it's all the same when it comes to a prostate, isn't it?

Stan! said...

Jenny,I believe Mighty D may have passed the anal beads onto that Babble woman- good luck to 'em.

Dyck, as a pansy-assed, tea-sipping, dentally-challenged Brit, I fear that I can contribute very little to this particular debate on Merv Griffin. I’m leaving now. ‘show myself out.

Patti said...

Well then see...everyone has an endearing quality if we just look hard enough. Sure, he may not have wanted to be known for his sizeable man-jugs but we can't call all the shots.

Ryan said...

Thank you. I have never seen any of this Merv Griffin show crap either. For years I thought he was Benny Hill in a wig doing one of his hilarious characters.

Dyck!! said...

Jenny - I seem to have misplaced the anal beads. I'll buy you a new set as soon as I can figure out my my ass hurts so much...

Mistress - I like milking better actually. Just make sure to warm your hands first.

Stan - Aww, did I hurt your feelings old chap? Cheer up. Have a krimpet.

Patti - I think they were implants. You know those Hollywood people.

Ryan - I bet Benny Hill could do a better Merv Griffin than Merv Griffin.

karla said...

Oh God, please don't look at pictures of my children. I know you touch yourself when you do that. I swear, I'm willing to kill the children to prevent you from doing that ever again.

Sassy Blondie said...

I think watching Merv killed my grandmother! Stupid bastard!

But I could win at Jeopardy!

Beth said...

I hated Merv Griffin....what a fat bastard.

Yeah Him said...

The Seinfeld episode was the only good thing about Merv Griffin.

Normally, I'll give dead famous people a moment - hell, I don't need to fuck with my karma, but alas... for Merv... he's just worthless forgettable 70's daytime TV. He's not even as cool as Dick Cavett.

Dyck!! said...

Ms. Babble - Too late. I have already wallpapered my living room with pics from your gallery.

Blondie - You, a blonde, win at Jeopardy?? I dunno, maybe the dumbed down celebrity version.

Beth - Ouch! I think we've struck a nerve!!

Him - Dick Cavett's feces was more interesting than Merv.

puerileuwaite said...

Rumor has it that Merv "spun the wheel from the opposite direction". So those man boobs likely were a nice "Daily Double" for the lucky contestant (probably Dom DeLuise) who was slippin' HIM the "Griffin".

Jenny! said...

Bend over...I can find my beads!

Mistress Empyrean said...

My hands are warm, now bend over and spread 'em.

I don't even know who Merv Griffin is. Am I that out of the loop?

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

I don't really know who the hell that guy is BUT I do know where you can buy 2 inch black anal beads. So there's that, I have SOME culture.

Mistress Empyrean said...

Holy fuck! I made it to Affiliate status? You needed people to feel the voids the people you booted left? Whatever, I'll so take it.

Erica AP said...

You are funny shit. I found you from Blog Portland... And I'd have to say your hatred is ever so charming. :)

Stan! said...

If I were poon, Dyck might have slipped me in there with the rest of the affiliated brethren. I could amply fill a void, Dyck. You know I could.

Dyck!! said...

P - I'd like to buy a vowel, an E for EEEWWWWW!

Jenny & Mistress - Why is everyone telling me to bend over today??

Hor - I'd prefer brown anal beads. Then I never have to wash them.

Mistress - Yes, you're on the list. Just make sure you pay your affiliate dues by the first of each month.

Erica - Flattery will get you everywhere my dear! ;)

Stan? - Hmmm...I'll need to see your VISA and passport.

MsPuddin said...

I heard you won an award for being a “speshul blawger.” Congratulations. I came to check out your blog and lmfao at work. Thanks.

MsP

blog Portland said...

There may not have been a cash prize, but look at all the fresh poon my award has gotten you.

Willo Keays said...

Award? What award? I want an award!

::pout::

Sassy Blondie said...

You Dyck! I'm a smarty pants! I could totally win at the real Jeopardy...I think. Wait, that's the useless trivia show, right?

Jenny! said...

We want you to bend over so we can shove something up that sweet ass of yours..don't tell me you didn't pick up on that???

Anonymous said...

Gag me witha fucking spoon! You ass crazed sluts whores and bitches! I loved Marv Griffith! He was a GOD here! Does Mayberry ring a bell dildo heads? RIP Marv. LL

Dyck!! said...

Tapioca - Thanks for stopping by. Would you like to peel my banana??

McFatty - Yeah, but you know poon is expensive to maintain.

Willo - If there is ever an award for useless reality show trivia, I'll let you know.

Blondie - Maybe if the category was "Famous Nail Polish Colors"...

Jenny - When do I get to return the favor??

Lindsay - Please don't drink and comment.

andy said...

THis reminds me of the time you got really drunk and woke up in a dress, in a broken waterbed, sandwiched not-so-carefully between Bea Arthur and the Mervster himself. Oh, memories.

Too bad only me and Angela Lansbury remember that day.

Jenny! said...

Anytime! I am free tonight between 7-9pm! Should I leave my door unlocked or would you rather break in?

karla said...

Jesus Christ. I just commented on two of your posts that happened to include a link to my site, and I thought to myself "I better go comment on one of his other posts--one that doesn't link to me--so Dyck doesn't think I only read the posts that reference me." But finding a Dyckerson post that doesn't reference me ain't easy. Your total devotion to--and creepy obsession with--me would be flattering if you were hot or rich, or at least male.

Dyck!! said...

Andy - Yeah, that was confusing. With a fruit and a dyke in the same bed, I couldn't figure out who I was supposed to fuck.

Jenny - Leave it unlocked. Then it's only trespassing.

Ms. Babble - Awww, that's so sweet. Flattery will get you everywhere, you crazy babbler!!