8/21/2007

Make a Run for the Border

The next person who utilizes the phrase "That's how I roll" in my presence will have their tongue ripped out by yours truly. Following the tonguectomy, I will then remove that person's eyeballs with a melonballer and play marbles with them on the floor of a filthy Exxon men's room. I will then disembowel that person and shove his or her entrails inside a meat grinder, which I will then feed to a snake. Once the person has been completely disemboweled, I shall remove the bones and dissolve them in acid. I will then pour the acid/bone mixture into a toilet, consume three (3) Taco Bell beef & bean burritos, and defecate into said toilet until my rectum is sufficiently emptied. The remaining skin, hair, nails, and muscle tissue will be sealed in a crate, shipped to the Middle East, and blown up via car bomb by Iraqi terrorists.

Furthermore, the next person who utilizes the phrase "At the end of the day" in my vicinity will have the pleasure of being decapitated with a plastic butter knife. I will then take the severed head, bore three holes in the skullcap, and use it to bowl three games at my local AMF Bowling Center. Once I am finished bowling with the severed head, I will deposit it in a trash receptacle along with five empty beer bottles and a half-eaten plate of bowling alley nachos. I shall then return to the site of the corpse, carefully remove the limbs with a circular saw, and drive them to a coal mine in Utah. I shall then place the limbs deep inside the mine, exit the mine, and set off a series of explosive devices to trigger a cave-in. After the limbs are trapped and buried, I will rent an asphalt mixer, toss the remaining torso inside, and pave my driveway with it.

Lastly, the next person who utilizes the phrase "You don't want to go there" in my general area will be blown to smithereens by a series of fully functioning Civil War cannons. I shall then collect the pieces, reassemble them with J. B. Weld, and set them ablaze in my back yard. Meanwhile, I will record the inferno on my video camera, remove the cassette, and toss it on the fire as well. Once the ashes have cooled, I will vacuum them up with my Hoover Deluxe, pour them into a large pitcher of stale urine, and place it on a shelf in my freezer. Once the urine and ashes have frozen, I will put the pitcher on my kitchen counter and smash it repeatedly with a ball peen hammer. I will then place the ball peen hammer into his or her grandmother's vagina and rape her with it. If his or her grandmother happens to be deceased, I will hire two Mexicans to dig up her corpse, remove the maggots, and rape her with a leaf blower.

I think I've made my point.

45 comments:

ADW said...

You have a Hoover Deluxe? Please tell me that is the nickname of your blow-up doll....

Pud said...

Iraqis like to stick explosives up a dead donkey's butt and use it as an IED. Maybe they will utilize the parts you send them in that matter as well. I'll let you know if it works for them.

molly purebreast said...

what point? you mean about how you roll? i wouldn't wanna go there...especially at the end of the day! you should jb weld yer butt cheeks together for a laugh!

Stan! said...

Dyck, I hear what you’re saying....but when all is said and done it's basically, y' know, a sign of the times.Ignorance, pure ignorance.....y'know.
The use of "(That's) so..." as a dismissive descriptor with defined time periods, such as, "that's so last month" or "that's so last year" particularly gets my dander up.

Nancy said...

... and the one that irks me more than nails on a chalkboard:

"It was amazing" "Such an amazing experience" "He's /she's such an amazing person"

Look up words before you use them ... amazing should be saved for times like waking up with your face stapled to the carpet.

a·maz·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly.
2. Obsolete. to bewilder; perplex.
–verb (used without object)

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME amasen, OE āmasian to confuse, stun, astonish. See a-3, maze]

—Synonyms 1. astound, dumfound, stun, flabbergast.

blog Portland said...

Is it cool if we also add "It is what it is" to the list of overused bullshit worthy of a painfully tortuous death?

Christie said...

Ah, Dycky, do you need a hug? Have you had a bad day?

karla said...

Wow, you have a lot of complaints. You're a grouchy little prick, but at the end of the day, I still like you.

Dyck!! said...

ADW - Nah, I call her the Rug Doctor.

Pud - Wow, talk about a pain in the ass! You know what I'm saying??!?!

Miss Purebreast - Sorry, I'm having too much trouble getting over your name to read your comment. I'm sure it's quite impressive though. The comment I mean.

Stan - What the hell is dander anyway? Is that another one of them British terms? You people need to learn to speak English.

Nancy - Your comment astonished me with surprise and/or sudden wonder.

Mr. McFatty - I'll pencil it in.

Mrs. McFatty - I need more than a hug, baby. Tell your hubby to leave the room for a few minutes.

Ms. Babble - Your name sounds familiar. Didn't you used to have a blog?

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

All you people and your G-d thesauruses and fancy talk can lick my sweaty balls.

I've not managed to grow my own balls but I'm a hor I can find some.

Talk to the hand bitches.

Sassy Blondie said...

Want some cheese with that whine? You'll be forever named Whiney Dyck now!

I hate the Paris (ite) Hilton "that's hot" bullshit! Blegh.

And I also don't like when people use the word "piece" when referring to work related items. For example, the human resources piece, or the reflection piece. I just don't like it.

Oh wait...this is your blog...

Antonio said...

You need to be voted off the island. I greet my friends with a hearty "wasuuuuuuup". I give them the 411 on what's going on and say "Peace out". My outside-the-box methods may raise the ire of others, but I don't care. And that's my final answer.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I can respect that this is how you roll but at the end of this day, I don't want to go there.

Sorry couldn't resist.

Jenny! said...

I love Taco Bell...but that's how I roll! Please don't shit on me...I'm sorry! Your very touchy today? Was someone mean to my little Dyckie??? I can beat their ass if you want!

Stan! said...

I see what you mean, Jenny!
Dyck's really been but a shadow of his former self since the cock-fancying allegations came to light...

Dyck!! said...

Hor - The plural of thesaurus is thesauri.

Blondie - I don't see anything wrong with getting a little "piece" once in a while. Lord knows I've tried.

Antonio - People like you are the reason slavery should never have been abolished.

Claudia - This is how you make your debut on my blog?? Go away.

Jenny - No, don't do that. They might enjoy it.

Stan - POPPYCOCK!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Like any annoying middle child, the sound of "go away" means "I love you" to me.

You realize, of course, that I did not use the phrases you hate. Each sentence has one word difference - how's that for being the annoying middle child?

Crunchy BC said...

That's what I like about you - you're always thinking outside the box and shifting the paradigm.

(Actually, you're always thinking about getting inside the box, but then my crappy joke doesn't work).

Scary Monster said...

Hey! Me thought that POPPYCOCK were reserved fer the Monster.

Iffin ya truly try to enforce these rule, ya gonna be pleeeeeeennnty busy there, Dyck!! Ya also might find that there ain't too many people gettin close to ya.

Me fuckin hates the Tony Soprano wannabe mobsters who say fuggeddaboudit every chance they get. Could you please utilize yer exceptional collection of power and hand tools as well as a profuse amount of excreta to erase they presece as well.

STOMP-A-DOODLE, DO!

Beth said...

are you related to Jeffry Dahmer perhaps? I knew you were a serial killer!!!! No wonder I like you...sorta.

Erica AP said...

I'm pretty sure I wrote about you a while back:
ericaputis.blogspot.com/2007/04/healthy-americans-do-it-right.html

Webmiztris said...

I like how you roll, dyck. ;)

Jenny! said...

Well I know I would!

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Whatever dirty bitch - Spell check liked both of them just fine thank you - and thesauruses sounds like dinosaur or something and I like it more.

Balls : Lick

Patti said...

did anyone else see that as a challenge?

god, it's damn-near irresistible!

must.

not.

succumb.

MUST.
FIGHT
URGE!!!

AAAAAAah!

Dyck!! said...

Claudia - Middle child my ass! You were adopted!

CBC - Don't feel bad. Your crappy jokes never work.

Monster - Consider it done. BUDDABING!

Beth - No, but we both have similar tastes in women.

Erica - I'm pretty sure that was a waste of my time.

Miz - I'd like to roll on top of YOU, baby!

Jenny - You don't want to go there.

Hor - Don't mouth off to me, woman! I'll give you a good spanking!

Patti - Show me your ta-tas.

puerileuwaite said...

What better way to determine how that person "rolls", than to push them out at 75 MPH? "Go there" by ending their pathetic life "at the end of the day".

My pet peeve? Assholes who say "no worries". When did these clowns (no offense) get together and decide that they were Australian? Unless you look like Nicole Kidman, and you're ready to recreate the hostage sex scene from "Dead Calm" with yours truly, go get bit by a Great White, mates.

Mistress Empyrean said...

What if I say "That's how I roll" while on a skateboard? Does that change things? If you take my tongue, please use it to lube up your wang.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I only wish I was adapted.

Open Grove Claudia said...

After some thought, it feels like we've taken our relationship to the next level.

Yeah Him said...

Wow. You definitely made your point. There will be no utterance of those phrases within a 200 mile radius of this site.

Tyler Durden said...

We need to add win win situation, think outside the box, 24/7, take that off line, touch base, leverage, ball park and game plan. I work in an office and I know exactly what you mean. That's how I roll MO FO.

Taco Bell does sound fucking good right about now....

Patti said...

( . )( . )

yeah I know, the nipples are a little low...but you try breastfeeding the badger that was my firstborn and see where your raisinettes end up.....

now, show me your wang.

I'll wait.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Dyck, really darling being a hor kind of makes me used to the whole spanking thing - I like it retard -so yeah you're gonna have to come up with something a lot better than that.

Sornie said...

I'd use all those phrases but at the end of the day I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You could ask me to try but you don't want to go there. I would bring the hurt because that's how I roll.

Dixie said...

MMMMMMMM Taco Bell!!

At the end of the day ?? Really? Do people say that alot?

I need to get out more.

Jenny! said...

Dyck...I do wanna go there...cuz that's how i roll!

Angela said...

"it's all good" makes me puke.

Dyck!! said...

P - Oooh, I love the hostage sex scene in Dead Calm! In fact, that's the only scene I've ever watched!

Mistress - I'll let you keep your tongue if you promise to lube me with it.

Claudia - I think you better give that even more thought.

Him - Radius?? Don't try to confuse me by using geometric terminology.

Tyler - Does anyone in your office ever get a case of the Mondays?

Patti - ===================|>

Hor - OK, how about you spank me?

Sornie - Really clever.

Dixie - I also hate it when people say "I need to get out more."

Jenny - Roll over on your back!

Angela - I haven't puked in 18 years.

Willo Keays said...

Seriously?

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

When and where slut? But don't forget to bring your wallet.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Oh sorry, just thought that might be phrase number 4.

Stan! said...

"Don't go there". It's profoundly annoying and much used by you chaps....but not as yet by folks on our side of the pond I'm happy to report.
"chillin"- the only things in that category should be dairy foods, fruit salads and women in the darkest throes of menopause.
I'm absolutely uber-serious on all of this.Are ya with me, Dyck?

Scary Monster said...

Iffin ya need to add any more phrases to yer list just watch the Apprentice. Them fuckers deserved to be pig fucked and butchered by Grampa Dyckerson.

STOMP.

~ Stacy ~ said...

You had me at tonguectomy.

Damn!

C'mere you sexy beast!